Hey guys... was just bouncing around the intarweb and landed here.
So, here's my current situation. I've been engaged for over two and
a half years now, everything is going pretty well (everyone has their
ups and downs, no?) - except for the recurring problem of her talking
to her "ex."
As a general rule, I try not to talk about past relationships at all when
I'm with someone new. It's just a personal preference. When my fiancee
and I started going out, she I guess felt the need to let me know all
about everyone (well, maybe not everyone) she'd ever been with, etc.
So, shortly before our engagement, this guy came back into town that
she'd known for a long time. She told me "she didn't know what she was
going to do," and obviously I told her she needed to figure that out and
get back to me. It still hurts. Long story short - she said she wanted to
be with me, and we're together now.
Thing is, she still talks to this guy - I'm not sure how often. She says
they never were in a relationship, that he was just a player type that
used her for sex and that was it... like that's supposed to make me
feel better. She didn't tell me how long this went on for, but I think
it was from her around sophomore year in high school until he left
to join the military sometime after. She said that he just called her
and told her he was leaving a few hours before he got on a plane.
Her feelings for him were one-way, which only makes me worry all
the more.
So sometime after she decided that I was the one she wanted, I
noticed that she was still getting calls from this guy. She's one of
those women who hangs out with guys more than girls, and she
still sees her longtime guy friends and occasionally her other ex's,
who I've met and have no problem with her hanging out with. But
looking at the nature of her "relationship" with this guy, I don't think
I'm being crazy not liking her talking to him. She told me he had
called her up and told her he was sorry for how he'd treated her,
etc. and she just wants to be friends with him. So they talk, I'm not
sure how often, and whenever I see his name on the phone I just
walk away and bottle it all up - though she knows exactly how I
feel. I've never told her she needs to break contact with this guy,
though that's how I feel.
When we first started going out, I found some poems she wrote
about him on her laptop. Longing love poems wondering why he
didn't love her the way she loved him. Back when she first had
told me about him, I made an offhand negative comment (I
honestly don't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was a blanket
statement about men who treat women badly) about him and she
went off, basically telling me I could say whatever I wanted about
any other of her ex's - just not him. Once, she had asked me if I
would be okay with her visiting him at his base when she was going
to be near the place at a soccer tournament - I said no, and to my
knowledge, she didn't... then again, I wasn't at the tournament.
So, I'm not sure I'm really looking for advice... maybe I just needed
to vent. It just seems like guys that treat women like garbage, use
them for what they want and don't give it a second thought get
all the second chances in the world, and those of us that try to
be nice and do "the right thing" get... well... what I'm getting
now. I love her with all my heart, but every time I see his name
on her phone I just want to go break both my hands punching
a wall somewhere... I usually just take a walk and try not to think
about it, which invariably fails. I'm a very easygoing guy, but it
always puts me in a horrible place. Sorry about the length of the
post and the topic that seems to come up over and over, but if
anyone has any input on the issue it would be greatly appreciated.
