Hi all! This is my first post here. It is going to be long but I want you to kind of get the whole jist of the situation. Thank you all for any advice you can give.
I have 3 children ages 6,4 and 2. I have been married for almost 5 years to a wonderful man. When I say wonderful, I mean he is everything that a woman could want.... but I am not happy. We just bought a house 2 years ago and a new car a month ago. I was thinking the car would make me happy! LOL
Back to the beginning... I was 16 when I starting dating my first love. He is the father of my oldest child. We dated off and on for 5 years, and we had a lot of ups and downs as neither one of us truly knew what we wanted. I met my husband and we began talking. Well Lee (my daughter's father) got married and after a while I got pregnant with my son (by my husband whom we'll call Ray). I decided to get married (1st) of of spite that Lee had gotten married and he still had feelings for me and (2nd) because I was pregnant and I did not want to be a single mom with 2 children. I know, I know.... all the wrong reasons.
So I was never really in-love with Ray but I knew he was a good man and would do me right. Meanwhile, Lee decides to get a divorce and try to make our relationship work but I am determined to make my marriage work. I thought I would grow to be in-love with Ray and that has never come. I do love him as he is the father of 2 of my children and treats my little girl like his own. However, we barely have a relationship at all. If we get someone to watch the kids, we most likely will sit at home and not speak.
I have been so depressed with all this the past couple of weeks, I will bust out crying for no reason. I am not happy and it is starting to effect the way I treat my children. During the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking of Lee almost constantly, to the point were I can barely carry a conversation with my husband at all. So today, I run into Lee's brother and we get to talking. I told him how I am feeling (but left out the part about Lee) and he was like, "Oh gosh, i have to call Lee and tell him you might be singe. He will be on his way in a matter of minutes I bet." Lee lives hundreds of miles from me. I am in NC and he is in NJ. So I guess my problem is really a lot of problems in one.
I feel that Lee is the one, always has been and always will be. While I am still thinking of separate from my husband, I know I can not currently make it on my own. I am a stay-at-home mom. I asked Ray last night if we were to get separated, how we would split things up. He said there would be no splitting anything as he would just leave if I did not want him there. I am worried my children would never understand this and I really don't want to lose my house. If Lee was to call me right now, I would pack up all my and the kids belongings and be gone. I am just so confused!!! So what would you do?