sreupert

As far as your letter, I too don't think it is a great idea. I do believe in closure though. There are some things you need to get off your chest. I believe repression is a very bad thing. When I was in pain and suffering from a breakup I went threw, I tried the whole NC thing. It wasn't working for me. I was tearing myself apart, I couldn't get over it and it was effecting my job, my social life, everything. So I decided to say screw it. I had been running into her at the gym from time to time and having those short and bullcrap conversations. After I would leave I wondered if she thought of me. If seeing me would effect the way she was with her new boyfriend. It did nothing. The bottom line I felt horrible. The one thing that I did notice is that every single time I ran into her I felt bad for a least a day if not more. I would get lonly and self indulge. Well I decide that this NC thing wasn't working for me and I reached out after I ran into her roomate. I had sent her a message via myspace that just said "Can we do lunch sometime" I felt like actual saying what I needed to say to her face would be the best. and if she didn't reply then I would know where I stood. She agreed to meeting. She has always been very pleasant with me. We went to lunch and had a good conversation. I told her the reason I was meeting her was for me, That I did think about her. that I had some negative feeling and I won't live this way so I felt like I had to address the issue. After the meeting I felt O.K. Yes I understood that I was emotional. You would be ignorant not to think that there would be emotions involved. The next day I felt horrible. It was in a bit of a different way though. The one thing that I noticed is that the next day I felt a lot better. I had finally put things in the past. And the next day I felt even better. SO what, she knows that I think about her from time to time. So what, I told her that I was fond of her and I complimanted her on some of the qualities that had atteracted me to her. The bottom line is that I needed to put this in the past. I had to stop repressing my feelings cause in the end the repression will only hurt you more. The one thing that I did have is a good unserstanding of what it was that I was trying to accomplishg with meeting her. I wanted closure . I wanted to put things in the past. I wanted to put things in the past with a positive feeling. The reason I decided to do this was because a book that I had read. "Feel the Fear and do it anyway" I was reading this about a business adventure I have been on but it made very good sense in all forms of life. There was a chapter about moving on with your life and ways to approach it. I don't know the guy you are planing on writing this letter to, or how he would respond. No one does. If you are trying to manipulate a responce from him then I would suggest NC. If you need to truly just get things off your chest in order for you to move on then I would do it in person if he will agree to. It actually worked for me, but you have to remember every situation is different and truly you control how you respond to that situation. If you choose to have the meetiong with him and know that you won't be strong enough to not allow it to casue you pain then don't. If you can then do it. I feel that there a no wrong choices. Either you send a letter or not. Either you meet with them or not. Either way can work if you want to make it work. Just don't try and control the responce you may receive.You can only control the way in which you act to that responce. Good luck!

I have a little different view about seeing a therapist then the others that had posted. First of all if you go to see a dr. you have to understand that they are not going to fix your problems. You are the only one that can fix these. They do assist you in chaning your way of thinking. For instance, most everyone has used the word "problem". Instread of using the word "problem" you can replace this word with Challenge. It doesn't have such a negative conotation. There are other little things that you can change in your way of thinking of self talk that are similar to this. Instead of using the word "should" like "I should go back to School' You can replace it with "I could go back to school" The difference here is the emotion that are involved. Should often times has an association with guilt. if you don't do what you should do then you feel guilty. While "could" creates the feeling of choice, you decided to do something for yourself. When you go to see a Dr. you need to have a set goal. What is it you are trying to accomplish? Are you looking for them to do things for you? If you are looking for them to answer your questions of "why?" then they will probably not be able to assist you. You need to be open to there suggestions. Not all dr's. are going to be complatible with you. I personally like to pick up a book and make some choices for myself. There is nothing wrong with going to the bookstore and looking in the self help sections. You are trying to grow and create the person you want to be. This is a good thing. What exactly is the challenge you are having? Is is greif, loss of love, lack of motivation, career, friends, family, indicision, fear? If you want to start to take controle of your life there are many books you can read to assst you in this proccess. The first book I came accross is the book "The Strangest secret" by Earl Nightengale. It is short and sweet and gets to the point. I from there moved on to "Think and grow Rich" by Napolion Hill. This book talks about succes in the terms of career but also the fundamentals of what you need to be successfull. When I say "success" I don't mean being filthy rich. Success to me is having a goal an continually working towards that goal. Another easy read that I cam accross what "Feal the feer, and do it anyway" This talks about every kiind of fear that you have if it be as simple as gong to the grociery store, talking in large groups, chaning careers, moving on from a relationship..etc. None the less there are many outlets you can utilize to assist you in your proccess of self growth. The bottom line is you need to believe and trust yourself in the choices you make. I'm glad to here that you are looking into ways to assist you. and yes a dr can be a very helpful tool in the procces. Stop trying to find yourself..and start creating yourself.!!!

I too have been experiencing some of the same things you have. I don't like to view it as a "pronblem" but rather a challenge. I do believe that if you just keep doing the things that you are doing you will eventually meet people who enjoy doing the same things. You are at a point in your life of growth and growth is good. I try not to be so hard on myself. I know it hard. There are a lot of people out there and you will come accross people who will inspire and assist you in your groth procces. you just need to believe and except this. It is strange how things will end upworking out if you just believe and trust yourself.

I'm not sure if I can just be friends but I want to put these feelings to rest.

About 6-7 months ago my girlfriend, of a year, and I had broken up. It was devestating for me. I became depressed, Self induldged, needy and all of those very negative things.I was looking at my life with a pestomistic attitude. Even though on the outside I remained very positive. I new there was something bothering me deep down and it wasn't my girlfriend. I new that it lied within me and was probably part of the reason we broke up. Well, lets just say this is where it all begins. At this point in my life I decided I was going to take controll of my life . That I was no longer going to live a life that was filled will guilt, fear, and anxiety. I had been living a life like this for too long. I picked up a lot of books and read them. I have not only read them I have incorpoortated them into my life. I understand what it takes to get what I want out of life. I have created a lot of good things since we broke up. I have started my own business, increased my excersise(which was already pretty good), surrounded myself with good friends, met with a couselor, all the good things your are supposed to do. The Challenge I am having is that I still think about her all the time. I have done the no contact thing for months on end and It hasn't seemed to work. I will run into her at the gym or her roomate at the grociery store. After these meeting I cringe, quiver, want to crawl out of my skin, get sick, you name it it happens. I can handle it but would rather have it stop. I need to put this to rest. She is dating someone new. I know it and hate it. Well, I emailed her last night after seeing her roomate at the gym and asked her if we could do lunch sometime. She replied Yes... let me know when. Then I replied with: I'm pretty open what does your schedule look like. I haven't had a responce yet I'm trying to prepare myself for the encounter. I want to put things to rest. This was a woman I was very attracted to. She is driven, confident, fun loving, has good morals, good family. a lot of qualities I believe to be good. I miss a lot of these things and I become down and almost paralized when I think about her. It affects how I approach my life and I need to put an end to it. Has anyone ever broken the no contact or what I would call repression, and just faced the issue and had success?

To start out I'll have to say that you are not the only one who has felt this way. I too felt like this, at least similar. I'll have to say that going and getting some professional advice has helped me out quite a bit. I feel a bit normal again. I can smile and I'm not over analyzing things as much as I used to. I decided to go see a counselor first of all and then he had recomended I see a psychiatist. At first this was devestating to me. I thought that I was messed up, or broken. Well with there help and a lot of reading and reseach I have come to the understanding that I'm not messed up. I've come to realize that I need to increase my posotive copeing tecniques. It was hard for a while, I was just trying to get threw the days. I just wanted to make it one more day. It wasn't that long ago that I was feeling this way and I still have days when I get down. It sounds like you are expeiencing a bit of depression. I too was depessed. It had been triggered from the end of a relationship. With a bit of self analysis, I looked at my life and came to the relization that I have always felt a bit depessed and that my self esteam was low. Most people would be surprised by this as I have a lot of friends and a very positive attitude. The reason I have always felt this way is because of my negative self talk. I would talk to other people positivly but to myself I talk negativly. I would call things problems instead of challenges. It is just a word but just these little changes will change the way you view things. I have stopped with the "yeah..but" Evey time I talked to someone they would give me advice or a different way to view things and I would start out "yeah ..but" I was setting myself up for failure. You need to lean how to train yourself to talk posotivly about yourself and you abilities. You may not be able to do it by yourself, I know I wouldn't have, I had been thinking this way for 28 years of my life it was part of my hibbitual thinking. Now it's not going to change over night. You will feel like crap from time to time. maybe all of the time at first. I know I did. I wanted to die. I saw no hope. With the help of some professionals I have gotten back on my feet. Now the doctors can only do so much. they can put you on meds to help out but you can't rely on the meds to do all the work for you. you need to do some of the work yourself. You need to do things in you life. good things like excersise, read a book, go make dinner with a friend, plan a tip. At first I was disapointed with these things. I still felt lonley and different then everyone while doing them. As time progressed I have started to enjoy these times more and more. I have also started to write down my goal both in the morning and then in the evening before I go to bed. At first my goal was simple "I want to feel better" then it changed to "I'm taking control of my life" now I'm looking at setting a even more challenging goal a business adventure. I would strongly suggest going out and getting some self help books. A lot of people read self help books. Not just messed up people, corporate executive read these books. IT is a way of keeping focus. I listen to audio tapes in my car too. I like a guy by the name of Earl Nightengale. He has one short book entitled "the stangest secret" and the secret is that "we become what we think about". If we fill our thoughts with failure, anxiety, doubt, worry,and frustration then we will become that. If we fill our thoughts success, love ..etc then we too will become that. It is definaltly a challenge. I'm not going to say that it is easy. I have come leaps and bounds from where my mind was a few months ago and I'm excited to see what is going to be in my future. Good luck and keep you head up

SO it has been about about 3 months since my ex and I broke up. Imidiatly she got involved with someone else. I think she actually started seeing him even before we were truly done. I have a a struggle with this and have been pushing myself everyday to just move on. I have been in NC with her for about a month. Last week I had the opportunity to meet someone new. We hung out and had a great time. It felt good. At the end of the night I still thought about my prrevious relationship and was sad that it has ended. I was excited to see this new girl again though. Well, I had the chance to see her last night. It was good. A bunch of us went to a comedy show and out for some drinks after. It was fun. Later she came over and we proceeded to make out. I liked it but at the same time I found myself thinking of my ex and me making out. I felt guilty about this and it didn't alow me to enjoy the current moment. I believe if I keep pushing, these thoughts will eventluly go away. I don't want my past to stop an opportunity for a great relationship in the future.

First of all I want to say that I really enjoy you post. It gives me hope. I find myself changing emotions every day. From reading a post like yours I know that I am moving in the right direction. I still find myself putting my ex on a petistal. I to have been doing habitual thinking. I'm changing my thought poccess and every day gets better. Thanks for the hope and I know you will have a better year in 2007.

hey hun, I'm sorry fo you pain. I too was cheated on by my ex and I feel pain every day. I was stung along for a couple months and I'm trying no contact. The NC has seemed to help when I do it. From time to time though I drive by her house and I see his car there and it tears me apart inside. I know she's not coming back and I wonder what it is I'm even hanging on to anymore. We have to be stong and tuly do NC. Good Luck!!!

I wanted to vent my feelings without sending a letter to her and thought you might want to do the same. Maha, I miss you so much. I miss watching you study, and cuddling with you at night. Whenyou told me you just like me as a friend it crushed me. When you said that you just didn't want to be in a relationship and then started dating someone else, I couldn't but feel pain. I hate the fact that I still want to be with you and that I miss you in my life. I feel so emply and alone and I want you to come back but know you have moved on. Don't hate me for the way I acted when we ended. It wasn't me it was my emotions. I just didn't want the relationship to end and this has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. Your EX

Well, this is my story. I had been bartending one night a week at a bar for a little over a year and a new bartender had started. We immediately hit it off. We would joke around and have a good time working together. I would give her rides home after wok and one night we kissed. We started to hang out more & more. I had also gone on other date with a couple of other girls at this time and told her about it. One night she had come to see me when I was working and she had off and said she wanted to take things to the next level. I told her no then and then reconsidered in the morning and called her and told him I had made a mistake. We started hanging out more and more and and increased our sexual relationship as well. In my mind she had become my girlfriend. We bought each other gifts and spent many nights together. One night we had a really intimate night and things wee going well. The next night she had went out with he friends and I had a bad feeling about it. She called me the next day and sounded disturbed. So I called her back. I new something was up and she told me she had messed up and slept with a guy last night. I was devastated. She came over and said she was so sorry. I didn't yell at her but she said I should call her a * * * *. I didn't, I told her that we hadn't defined out relationship exclusive and I couldn't be angry, even though I hurt. When we first started dating and she new I was dating other people I was intimate with them, I felt I would be a hypocrite to blame her. Well our relationship moved forward and it was good. WE talked all the time and had a blast together. I had also grown close with her roommate and sister. I like her friends, they had a lot of ambition as she is a dental student and so are most of her friends. We went out on Valentines Day and had a great time. This was also the last time we were intimate. Nothing had changed beside for the lack of sex. We still would mess around and I was ok with this. I said that if she felt guilty about sex and want to wait I understood. She had said she wanted to wait to have sex again until marriage. Well she took a couple of vacations and when she came back had said to me if I'm looking for a serious relationship I'm barking up the wrong tree. I ignored this and we continued with the relationship. If you would call it that. I started playing games. I would return some of her calls and then she would ask why and I would say things like “It didn't cross my mind" the negative spiral had started. I gave her an ultimatum and a few days late she said she would try a relationship. I had started to become frustrated and needy and she had stated to distance herself. Finally it came to the point where I new it was over but had hope. I saw her out one night, I was very intoxicated, and she was with her roommate and he boyfriend and some other guy. I freaked out. I was angry and she had just left. This is when I started to become very depressed and have been so ever since. She had would still call me and talk to me but not ask me to do things. Now I know she was tying to let me down easy. I finally asked her if there was any chance with us and she had said that she liked me as a friend. I was devastated. I still called her and found out she was dating the guy she was out with the night I saw her out. I found out he is a personal trainer and I'm extremely jealous. I notice that his car is over there a lot and I can't get her off my mind. I know from this email it is easy to say. Get over it. It wasn't a good relationship. The challenge I have is that I feel so lonely. I look at my life and my friends and I compare them to hers. I liked them and I want fiends more like them. I don't like just going out and getting wasted but if I don’t then I sit at home alone and sulk. I do a lot of inspirational reading, try and exercise. I just feel dead inside while doing it. It has affected my job. I have lost 14 lbs. and I don't know what to do. I started seeing a counselor and a physiatrist and this has helped. I want to stop this negative pattern of thinking about the relationship and view on my future but I'm not sure how to. I would appreciate any advice anyone has.

I've been woking in sales fo a while now and I have come to the undestanding that this is not me. I eally want to make a career change and I have been thinking about becomeing a motivational speaker/ trainer. I'm not eally sure how to go about this and am looking fo some advice. I have a comunication degree so I have the background. If anyone has any bainstoming Ideas I would appeciate it.

So I'm fairly new to this site and let me tell you I'm very excited about usining it as a tool to get on with my life! I have been in NC for 5 days now and It has been challenging. Like most of the people who post blogs, I too would like nothing else but to talk with my ex. I would like to have things they way they were. The reality of it all is that she is dating someone new and I am a thing of the past. A few weeks ago I ran into her at the gym and it was great seeing her. I really wish I wouldn't of. My feelings for her surfaced(never really left) and I contacted her many times after that. I was creating "False hope" for myself. It is hard enough that I think about her 80% of the wakeing day. I don't need to be feeding this by contacting her. Yeah, she is nice to me but she never say's "Hey we should get together" or "I miss you" she is just nice and polite. She truly just wants to be my friend. I constantly look back and Replay convesations threw my head of things I said wrong, things she said that should have lead me to believe it wasn't going to work. I understand I need to stop doing this and that it is a negative thing to do. I am constantly trying to fill my mind with other things.. my mind just has a tendency to wonder to this negative thought patern. I'm trying to train myself to have posotive self-talk. This leads me to the question and feedback that I'm looking from you. I undestand the concept of this "NC" thing. I know this is something I need to do in order to truly move on with my life. The part that I'm stuggleing with is that scar or part of her that has touched my life. How do I handle this. I want to handle it in the healthyiest and most productive matter that I can. For crying out loud, I thought that I was in love with this woman. Currently when I reflect on the relationship I think about all the things I messed up with. Reasons for why we didn't last. I would like to look back on the elationship and think of all of the good times we had and the time we spent with each other. I find it had to think of these now because of the pain that I feel when I think of he with someone else. I hate the fact that she is not with me. I spend my time with anxiety and and pain and these feelings don't allow me to truly move on. I know, It will just take time. I keep on doing good things, I excersise, stopped drinking, spend time with friends, read, write, go to counseling, and I still feel like dying inside. My head feel dizzy often, my appetite is poor at best. I'm looking for ideas about being positive about this whole thing and my future.

So this is the fist time I have ever posted anything on this and I definatly need some support. I had been dating a girl for about a yea and we broke up about 2 months ago. She had started dating someone new and I had a vey had time with this. I felt like I was going to die actually I wanted to and thought about doing this myself. Well, I decided to stat to go to couseling and she a psyciatrist. These people have helped me out a bit. I definatly feel better than I had peviously. Ove the last few month though I have been in contact with my ex numbeous times. I understand this "NC" thing that you all talk about and it makes sense. I new the entire time this is what I should have done but lacked the strength to do this. Not only did I lack the strength to do this I have also been in contact with her in a negative matter. I dive by her place to see if he ca is there o if his is. I will be sitting at home and my mind starts tuning and all of a sudden I find myself diving by o walking by. I don't want to I just do. Last week was the lowest of them all. I had drove by his house and let the air out if his tires. I was angrry and filled with rage. She had called me the day before and gave me false sense of hope (not really by saying anything just by contacting me) Not only have I been breaking the NC rule by talking to her I also have been breaking it by doing these drive bys. I undestand that these are negative things to be doing but I do them anyway. She has been vey understanding of me and very patient with me. She know that this has been hard on me. I have been in denial that it is over and have been trying to hang on with dear life. I know the best way to my happiness is going to be able to let go. I just don't know how to let go. I know I need to do the NC thing and this will help me but I am wondeing if anyone has any ideas that woked for them regading letting go. I hate being depressed and my inability to let go and over analyzing my previous relationship is making me feel depressed and very lonely. Any feedback would be great!!!