I'm a very sheltered girl. I don't really have any friends. I'm friendly enough at school, and just by the looks of it, you'd never guess that I was such a lonely and unhappy person. I know how to make friends by being friendly and chatty so I always make a friend or two in my classes. The problem is once those classes end, so do the friendships. Plus, I never get too close to these people anyway. I'd like to have a nice group of friends, even just one or two close friends in whom I can confide in and stuff, but I feel like it's too late. I don't want people finding out once they get closer to me that I'm really such a loner.
I failed out of university after two years of taking random courses, with really no sense of direction. The problem was (and still is) that I am too much of a perfectionist. I don't mind working hard for the grade, but whenever I try my best and fail to arrive at the grade that I want, I become extremely discouraged. And then also, I have trouble raising my hand in class or contributing to class discussions, so it becomes that much harder to really engage with the material being taught. That's when I stop trying and stop going to class altogether. Hence all the F's and W's on my transcript that has lead me to where I am right now, at a community college that I hate.
I'm excessively shy and have a blushing problem. I blush at moments when really, there should be no reason to blush. It's gotten so bad that I avoid situations where I'm afraid my face might get hot and then I feel so ashamed I want to cry. I literally want to stab myself whenever I start blushing.
I've never dated, never been kissed, never even held a boy's hand. I also have an extremely low self-esteem and am very self-critical. I think I'm not attractive enough NOR smart enough to ever amount to anything. I feel like you must either be extremely smart, or extremely attractive in order to win at life. Otherwise, you're doomed to a life of mediocrity. The funny thing is, you would think, "if she wants to be attractive, why doesn't she help herself out putting on makeup and wearing flattering clothes??" But no, I see all of that as pointless as I know it won't change my ugliness. I can hide it with makeup and clothes, but it's always there.
So my life is this endless routine of going to school then coming home. I never go out, since I don't have any friends. I see all these pretty girls at my college, and I always come home dejected because they remind me of my need to be "perfect" so that I would be more "valuable" than them. The saddest thing is I know my youth is slipping past me but I can't do anything about it.
I don't know what to do. I REALLY AM SO PATHETIC! I don't even know how to drown myself with alcohol because 1) i've never had any alcohol before, and 2) i'm to afraid to walk into stores and interact with the people there. Sorry for writing so much.
