I'm so alone and in so much pain right now. I am 23 and desperately need some good advice.
After 6 months of intense turmoil in our relationship, my boyfriend of alomost 2 years - (our 2-year anniversary would've been on Sept. 29) - broke up with me last night. I am so devastated - all I have done all day is cry. I feel so alone and scared. I have lost my best friend. He was my entire life - the one thing that meant the most to me and the one thing that I cared about more than anything else in the entire world. The worst part is- I am fully responsible for the demise of our relationship and I am the one who pushed him away to the point where he told me yesterday that he loves me but has "been conditioned not to be in love with me anymore."
For the first year and a half, our relationship was perfect. We were college sweethearts that were so deeply in love with each other that we talked about things like marriage and moving in together. We hardly ever fought. He treated me better than anyone in my life ever treated me - he even surprised me with a trip to Paris for our 1-year anniversary. He did everything for me. He would've died for me. I completely devoted myself to him and we spent ALL of our time together. Then everything changed when I got a new fulltime job 6 months ago. I met this incredible, smart, funny, charming, sensitive, good-looking guy at work and started to fall completely head over heels in love with him. We both have this amazing chemistry - everyone in our office sees it. When we met each other, we clicked instantly. I never believed in love at first sight, but now I think I do after the experience of meeting him. We have so much in common and our personalities are so similar. He makes me laugh like no one else has. He makes me incredibly happy. I absolutely love being around him. I started to neglect my relationship with my boyfriend and pour all of my energy into my coworker that I was falling in love with. After a few months of working at my new job, my coworker told me that he loved me and was in love with me. But he told me that he didn't ever want to pressure me to leave my boyfriend. He knew that my relationship with my boyfriend was deteriorating and he told me that he felt very guilty for being the reason why our relationship was falling apart. He told me he felt like he was ruining my life. Meanwhile, my boyfriend was in so much pain because I stopped caring about our relationship. He would ask me what was going on, but I never told him that I was in love with someone else, even though he was suspicious about my coworker and thought that I had a thing for him. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him because I didn't want to hurt him, plus I was confused about who I wanted to be with.
Finally, about 3 weeks ago, I told him that the reason why I had neglected our relationship was because I had been distracted by my coworker and that my coworker had turned my head. I basically confirmed his suspicions about this guy. From that night on, our relationship basically deteriorated to the point where last night, he told me that he loves me but cannot be with me because I have put him through so much pain and suffering over the past 6 months. Last night, he ended things and said that he just can't trust me and that he is ending our relationship because he needs to end the pain that I am putting him through. I even pleaded with him to give me just one more chance to fix everything and show him that I still love him, but he said that he's done. I feel terrible that I've lost him. I am devastated. I feel like everything happened beyond my control. I didn't start my new job with intentions of falling in love with one of my coworkers. It just happened beyond my control. I still love my boyfriend. I have lost my best friend. I don't think that I'll ever find someone who will love and care about me as much and treat me as well as he did. He had me up on a pedastal. I am more confused now than I ever have been. I used to think that my boyfriend was the "one." Does this mean that he couldn't possibly be the "one," since I feel in love with somebody else while i was with him? My boyfriend was the guy I once pictured marrying and building a life with. How did it all get so up? I know that I have lost my best friend, the one person that I cared more about than anyone in the world. I feel lost and alone without him now. I have almost no friends left, since I spent all of my time with him over the past 2 years. I was closer to him than to anyone- including my own family, who I am not super close to.
Should I keep begging him for another chance, or is this all happening for a reason, and if so, what could that reason possibly be? Is the guy at work that I am in love with the "one?" He tells me that he loves me and that I make him so happy. He always wants to be around me. I can tell that he must care about me, because recently I was in the hospital, and he left work without telling anyone to come and visit me because he missed me so much - (I was away from work for 2 weeks).
But I regret up my relationship with my boyfriend - even though falling for my coworker beyond my control - and I feel like I will regret this for the rest of my life. It's so screwed up - when I was with my boyfriend I knew that I loved him but that I wasn't in love with him and that things were changing with our relationship. Now that I've lost him, I feel like I've lost the love of my life and that I should've never neglected our relationship.
Somebody please help me. I feel depressed and I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't stop crying and I am so scared of what I've done to my life. I would be so grateful for any advice.
