bluem00n

i have been motherless since i was 3 years old. i'm almost 21 in 8 days. my mother left me because she loved drugs a whole lot more than she did love me. she smoked, drank heavily and did drugs while she was pregnant with me. when i was 3, she left and told me she doesnt want to see me until i turn 18. growing up was extremely hard. i was always alone, cooped up in my room, crying myself to sleep and often thought about suicide. my father wasnt really in the picture. he was into a girlfriend who HATED me. he chose her over me. getting attention by getting good grades, excelling in sports, getting a lot of honors & stuff was the only way i thought i could get my dad proud of me. unfortunately, he always said he was still disappointed in me. i have a hard time trusting people or even boyfriends i have had. it ruined ALL of my relationships and it is taking a heavy toll on my current relationship. im almost 21 years old and i still cry for her at nights and sometimes i just wish id shoot up poison in my veins and smoke crack just to be like my mother. i have never touched drugs. im so jealous of the ones that become numb after smoking weed, or doing drugs. im in so much pain... by the end of the day, i just want to give up. please talk me out of doing drugs....

i left him an email earlier because i ordered an adapter for my laptop (which he has right now) & it doesnt work so i left him an email telling him what to do in order to return it. surprisingly, he emailed me back, saying he will return it. he said that he unblocked me because i asked (in my email 2 days ago when he said he has to do it. i was practically begging. ugh.) but that he might block me again later. though he ended the email with saying 'i love you. bye baby.' is that a good sign?

I cheated on my boyfriend of 2 years a year ago supposedly during a break. He found out about it but has been demanding to see a picture of the guy & how i got it. So, i got the picture & send him the conversation with timestamps (my cousin had it on her computer.) He saw the picture, okay, the guy is ugly, so says everyone. he, then, told me to leave him alone. I asked him if it is over or he needs time to think, he said he needs time. I asked him if he wants me to get my stuff & be out of his life. He said no, just leave him alone for a few weeks because hes really mad. He said he has to block me. The last three sentences he said were, 'im sorry if this hurts (blocking me)', 'i love you,' 'im sorry.' I havent heard from him for... about 12 hours. Should I respect his wish with no emails, no nothing? Somebody said that time helps a relationship and especially if one respects ones wishes and that will make them look more 'attractive.' i need some guidance.