Mover

Well I'm back I've been doing pretty much ok until now. I started some new projects, got a new haircut, been out with friends just trying to keep it moving right along until today. A performer who is a close friend of mine let me know that the ex came to a show with his new girl. All of a sudden I was devastated. It's as if it proves that something was so wrong with me because they are still together. Now it feels like all the progress I've made in the last month or so is shot to hell because I feel like crap again. HELP!

I can't send any pm's yet, I guess I'm too new. I am really glad that I found this site because I didn't think people shared these kinds of thoughts out in the open. It's sort of embarrassing to realise that I have low self-esteem and a host of other problems. I live in the city and have a pretty full social calendar. I know a lot of people and they generally view me as sort of together. When I say sort of, I am called crazy, but in that kind of way that everyone thinks I am a balls to the wall, fun, kooky, life of the party girl. They also know I'm not to be crossed. My close friends are the only ones that know that inside I am pretty much empty. They are the only ones that hear the tears and all that other stuff. It's difficult for me because I am considered attractive by others although most of the time I think they are blind. I don't see my looks the way people do. I know that I am reasonably smart and it drives me crazy to not be able to control my feelings about myself and others. Like the fact that when I see my ex and his girl (I even hate saying that) in the street, they watch me. Not paranoid watch me, but noticeably to the point that other people point it out. His girl doesn't like me but she smiles at me. I have a blog that my ex reads almost every day. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make them all go away. I was fine before I knew this man. I would hang out, work and generally enjoy life. I like to read, go to plays, operas, eat at small places with good food and just have a good time. I used to go to yoga, skate and all sorts of other things. Then I met him. The months that we'd spend together I was fine. We'd have a ball and when we weren't in each other's presense my life would go on. When we were split I'd go into a spiral of nothingness, feeling empty and doing stupid things until he came back. Now with the knowledge that he won't be back I feel lost. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I pretend that I am ok when I am in front of people but go back to doing stupid things like once I slept with a guy that I didn't really like for no reason (and even he didn't want to be bothered with me after) or getting drunk and calling my ex. I can't think straight most of the time. I either sleep way too much or not at all. I can't concentrate and worst of all I can't even enjoy the things I used to love like a good book or good company. I feel like I lost my life after I met him and I'm just going through the motions. I want my life back but I don't know how to get it. I can't get a date to save my life. The trend lately has been that plenty of guys are attracted to me and want to sleep with me, but none of them like me. I haven't had a guy really be interested in me since him. Sometimes I think my emptiness and neediness is leaking through my pores and scaring everyone away. I feel so hopeless. Like a walking shell, going through the motions wearing a mask but inside is just a storm of obssession, self-hate and pain. I want my damned life back.

Thank you all! I was feeling crazy and alone. It's funny because most of the people that know me adore me and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why he didn't. I guess it's not really about him or her, but truly about some kind of empty void I keep trying to fill inside me. I feel awful and don't really know what to do next. I've been through worse so I don't understand why this hurts so much. I can't really figure out what to do next, all I really want is to stop the pain. Any advice on that would be appreciated. My friends tell me to focus my energy but there's only so much focus one woman can have. In the down-time, those small moments, I think of this and how I allowed myself to be de-preciated, lessened in value, and even how I belittled myself and I start feeling bad all over again. Knowing I'm not alone certainly helps.

I guess I have no choice other than to keep trying.

I dated my ex lover on and off for 3 years. We never made anything official but I still loved him and for some strange reason, thought he loved me. We would get together have a great time for months and then he would decide to just end it and move on to date other people. Then he would come back and the cycle would repeat itself. He always said he wasn't trying to get serious with anyone. The last time we split, I thought it was the same part of the cycle. I kept hoping against hope that one day he would come back and we could start our relationship. A real relationship when he was finally ready to settle down. The last time it made me crazy. I was so tired of the back and forth and so in love. Then, 2 months after we had split he hooked up with someone new. I wasn't worried at first. I saw her and I knew that although she was a nice girl, she couldn't compare to me. I was still going kind of crazy but figured time would tell and like always he would be back. But he won't be. He made this new chick his woman. The same man that said he wasn't ready to settle down, did. With a simple-minded, attractive but not gorgeous (as I have been told many times I am), silly, non-firey, young in the mind broad that cannot approach my level on her best day. I don't know what to think. I'm devastated. I can't figure out what was wrong with me and it makes me feel awful.