luketer

My wife and I split early July (I was dumped).I posted for a little while but I did read a lot of your advise and stuff.I stuck to NC since then and lots of good has happened since including acceptance that our relationship is over despite me getting mails from her to meet up for a cup of coffee and stuff like that.I just hopped off the globe for a while and honestly it wasn't that tuff to mantain NC except in the initail stages and then I become a hardcore NC fan.Couple of days ago I got another mail from my wife (I still call her my wife since we are not yet divorced) asking me out for a cup on coffee over the weekend.I did accept it and we met.My initail thought was that she would want to discuss the divorce proceedings but when I met her our conversations were just casual without any mention of a divorce even tho she said she would want one at the time of our breakup in July. I've seen her now after more than 05 months and from the looks of it, it feels like I was the one that dumped her.Her physcical appearance is not all that good and those imaginations I used to have when she were were split was about her being so pretty (probably magnified by the breakup) was kind of shattered.I have reached a point where I do not mind whatever happens from here on.I have gone thru the tuffest part of the breakup and now its just memories which do not really hurt much so acceptance of the breakup is pretty fine to me but do not mistake for a moment that I do not love her.I do and i really do.She left me at my most vulnerable time but i still do not hate her for it and I also accept partial blame for the whole thing ( initially in took the whole blame but over a period of time U tend to think more clearly). I have this very strange feeling that she is trying to get back together but very very subtly as she broke up and I just walked away without the whining (well i did for a couple of days soon after she said it was over but that was all) Thanks to all your suggestions. I also assume that she thinks that I could take revenge by getting back and then dumping her because she knows how painfull the break up was but honestly I'am am not the revengeful kind. What do I do ? Should I meet her whenever she calls me up for a cup of coffee ? Honestly i'am now in a position to refuse or accept without any feelings but I do love her and if there was a chance for us to get back together then I'd give it my 100 % to make that work but I just do not want to be refused again.The pain is too unbearable.Please Please suggest and advise how do I take it from here.I know for a fact that an invitation for another cup of coffee is round the corner.

Its was B'day on 22nd Sept (yesterday) and i sort of was trying to pamper myself by going out to dinner with friends and stuff.Got a lot of greeting cards,gifts and the whole drill and I felt good and then I get this msg from my Ex wife saying " hope u having a good birthday"....not even a wish...nevermind..I sent a reply saying "yes and just cut my b'day cake and it felt good".... The she sends another msg saying that she needs to talk.I said "about' ?...then she says about moving on as individuals...I said "i thought we already moved on as individuals and there's nothing more to move"...and then she says " I mean legally without hurting anyone anymore " and then blar blar blar....My point is...are they so dumb talking about legal stuff and then say "without hurting" on a Birthday ??? I mean we both are doing the NC things for the last 03 months and all sorts of contacts are only coming from her and not me.Infact i normally don't even respond to it but yesterday i thought I would....Do they do this on purpose ? to F*** with your mind ? but as for me it didn't hurt as much.I guess eventually NC does the magic. Just ranting folks.....

Thanks C for validating.....Feels better

Its about 80 days since I was broken up with, by my wife....She moved out about a month ago and strict NC is on for almost about 60 days now. I do not have her face or image in my mind anymore cause I haven't looked up at pictures or anything that would remind me of her.I've practiced this after the pains of thinking about her or picturising her were just too painful.Now-a-days each time I think about a particular situation with her I just cut that feeling thus eliminating anything thats about her or about our relationship.I try this by snapping a rubber band aroud my wrist.It feels much better not thinking about her or situations of our past relationship. I still feel depressed and lonely and pain everyday but I can also see that it isn't as bad as it was soon after the break up. I wonder if I really miss my ex. or just miss the comfort of the relationship that has been taken away from me. Now I don't even know if I we will reconcile or not because I've taken the route of healing myself for myself and have given up on the hope of ever getting back.The occasional thought of good times and waking up alone are still there but Its getting lesses as each day goes by. My question is by doing all of this am I escaping the grief mode ? (I did all the crying,sobbing,begging,bargaining,gifts,everthing for about a month before getting into the NC mode) or am I healing or will those images come at a later stage and then haunt me over again ? I have reached a stage where I just don't want to think about her and now its a habit of not thinking about her. Please tell me that i'am doing the right thing..... Thanks...

I have been lurking around this site for the last 2.5 months and reading mostly the "feel good " posts and Man ,just as it says "feel Good" it does feel good to read them.It helps even more than what professionals say because it comes from your heart and you even don't get paid for it but the amount of relief I could possibly get is measured much more than GOLD. I live in the Middle-east and I'am not even American but all our breaks ups are so alike and the pain is just the same and this just goes to endorse that we as a civilisation are so much alike. My marriage broke up early July and its been such a painful ride since then.I went thru all the phases of Begging,pleading,crying,bargaining blar blar blar but only if I knew how it works but thats the past and I just consider it something that had to happen.After about 20 days of trying I straight away went into the NC mode and a few days later she moved out of the house with all her belongings.It hurt like a thousand daggers all at once but I mantained NC since then.I'am alive and am healing. The positives that have come out of the break up is that I've been a smoker for the last 15 years and have never tried quitting.This was the best time to do so and its been 2 months thats i've smoked my last cigarette (even stopped drinking).Now here's the reasoning behind that, the pain of this break up is much much more than the pain of not having a drink or smoking a cigarette so this is best possible time in your life u could get to stop. I have NEVER gone to a gym or have I done any sort of excersises except in School but its been 02 months and Lord I,am in awesome shape.My belly's gone, my biceps look great and now I just can't wait for my daily dose of excersise.I sweat it out an hour daily.Feel awesome but hey the pain always lurks somewhere but look at the positives. We aren't as lucky as you guys in the US or the west where u have fantastic networks or entertainment to get your mind of some of the pain atleast and the place I live in is the worst place you could ever survive with a break up.We do not have any sort of therapists,councellors,pubs or whatever so I have been reading all of your posts day in and day out and this has been my therapy and I know I will survive (I'am alive and kicking now).Everything I've learnt after my break up is from you'll.I mean EVERYTHING. remember that this is the ONLY time you need the best of your health to recover.Let you health body help your mind heal. I know this pain will take a while to go but then they never said it would be a joy ride.Just acknowledge the fact that it'll hurt like a MOFO before it gets over. My marriage lasted 03 years and I wish it could be any different but it was never planned that way by the good lord I guess. My prayers from "Lord, let me get my ex. back" has now changed to "Lord give me the wisdom to move forward and help all those in my situation" You will all be fine no matter how bad your break up (I didn't give u the details of my break up but it has been hurtful to the CORE and has shaken every nerve or cell or my body so please do not think for a moment that I have taken it all well but as of now yes I'm doing fine thanks) and we all will heal.