Hazzardusab

i have been suicidely depressed since i was 6. i was medicated for 7 months but after i started hearing voices and vomiting daily i was taken off prozac. when i was 7-9 i ran away from school 4 or 5 times 1 time for 5 hours saying that i was going to go home to commit suicide. when i was in highschool i stayed home atleast 2 days a week and walked around literally in a haze of depression. this is where i met my wife, it was love at first sight, we have been together for 5 years and married for 2. for the longest time she has been attracted to women. i , being a man and pretty sensative yet levelheaded, have encouraged her to explore this side of her because i can't and don't satisfy her. she currently doesn't work but i make more than enough money for the 2 of us. she has always had many emotional issues and takes medication for anxiety. its hard to live with her sometimes but i like her alot as a person. she is my best friend. we have a great dog and nice things. my problem is i have nothing to live for. i don't spend money on myself, i dont do anything fun that lasts more than an hour or so and its only maybe once a month. i work out 3 times a week but i don't really feel like it anymore. the thing i hate about depression is that you can never emulate the feeling of love or happiness when you are depressed and i have been depressed for so long i just want it to end. i am sick and tired of going back and forth on everything. i feel right now like i should break up with my wife off topic: (i really hope you don't judge me on this but right now i feel like just hitting her right in the face) (and for anyone that thinks thats messed up right now i am sitting here with a black eye from my wife who hit me on purpose and not out of self defense, i forgave her for it and it has nothing to do with my issue) if i do that though then i have to break up with her otherwise i am just screwing up her emotions and messing with our relationship. anyways, my life is going smoothely, yet i wish i could just dissappear into the crevase in between the wall and my bed. i wish the cold night air would just envelope me and take me away. thank you for listining to me talk about my life. it makes me feel a little better to know that maybe out there someone understands and is sitting there, saying to themselves, "yep, i've been there" and hooray to all those people living with depression. mike

no, your not alone. i have felt that way for a long time and it makes me pretty happy to see someone even remotely like me has made it to 40 even though i have no idea if you have felt this way all along. i don't mean anything by this but i agree with your observation that most of the people in this forum were either just dumped or are, again no offense, paranoid schizophrenics. i remember being 6 years old and wanting to kill myself every day for months on end until my mother put me on prozac, which gave me a really sensative stomach, and after about 7 months i started throwing the pill up every morning. Not on purpose. since then i have learned that the only thing worth living is reading, being completely alone (aka swimming, nature, hiking), and the promise of a better afterlife. anyways, enough about me, basicaly my point is that i have always been depressed, but you can be depressed in many ways, like i am currently stressed but i don't want to kill myself, i'd just rather not exist anymore, where as when someone has a traumatic experience, they WANT to die. edit: i just realized that this was the suicide section of a relationship forum. that makes sense. i thought it was a depression forum, hence the name eNotAlone. most likely your life was going relatively smoothly 2/3 years ago when you posted this, but you were still depressed. well, you weren't alone and you aren't now. and thankfully, i'm not either. to a happy afterlife. mike