KC1

I was thinking the same thing nowbetter. Thanks for your insight. The more I think about the situation, I feel that it will somehow ease her guilt if she were to date others. She repeatedly told me earlier that she doesn't even want date or can even have a relationship with anybody. I don't know and I'm pretty confused. I think I will send her an email to tell her what I think. It's been almost 2 months since I've seen her. I think I should really pick up my stuff. I deserve respect and I'm not getting any. Even though I love this woman and it's very hard for me, I have to be strong and move on. Thanks for listening everybody

Thanks again syrix. I appreciate your comments! I just feel that I could've done more knowing what I know now. I wasn't clear in my post above but I didn't get to pick up my stuff. This evening, I broke my 10 days of NC. My phone was ringing and without any hesistation, I picked it up. I knew it was her but for some reason, I wasn't thinking. At first I thought, "wow she's already calling me?!". She told me she wanted to hear my voice and tell me that she had a good therapy session. I told her that I was happy that she's doing well. We quickly got into a conversation about what we talked about earlier about her not contacting me until she was ready. She said it was stupid of her to call me and she apologized. I did let her know again that I only want the best for her, for her to be happy and do the things she needs to do for herself. She admittingly told me that she has not focused on our relationship. She surrounds herself with work and keeps busy with friends. I didn't really feel like I, or our relationship, was a priority. Not even in the top 10 It's making me think that I should ask what type of therapist she's seeing... What was strange was she told me that she would want me to go out and date other people. Never in our relationship did I tell her that I wanted to date other people. I let her know that I don't need "another" person to make me happy. Do you think that she's trying to push me away? Or have a reason to move on?

Aschleigh - you're absolutely right. I wish (with much regret) I had proposed or done things differently...even at least a few years ago. I "knew" I wanted to marry her probably 5 years ago. Maybe I was too comfortable with where we were? I'm pretty sure this also gave her more reason to resent me. syrix - Of course you can change your mind! I figured posting that email would help me. Thanks! About a few days after my first post, I had contacted her to maybe pick up some of my stuff. She text'd me back that I could pick it up later that week. I text'd her back saying that I would rather not see her and prefer to pick it up while she's not there. She replied with, "am i ever going to see you again?". I told her to give me a call. During our phone call, I was afraid she was going to throw it away. I told her that and she laughed saying she still has all our pictures up and nothing has changed. She still said that I'm welcome to pick up my stuff cause some of it I could use right now. I explained that I would rather not see her and that I would pick up my stuff while she was out. She told me that she first was excited to want to see me. I told her it was probably better for us not to see each other or contact, until she felt she was ready to see me. This was hard to say As much as I want to know how she is, and what's she doing, how her life is doing, I have to respect her space. It's been 10 long days of NC but I don't know how I can move on. I don't want or feel like I want to start another relationship, or meet anybody new. I'm heartbroken.

Thank you everybody for your input! MoneyGod - I'm not sure what kind of therapist she is seeing, but they have been focusing on her family and identifying issues. Leaving it in God's hands is probably the only thing I can do. syrix - The few times I spoke with her on the phone, and brought up "our relationship", it seems my questions perturbed her. Easily angered and bringing her to frustation. She mentioned that I'm pressuring her for an answer. Not wanting to get her more upset, I apologized for bringing it up. I'm going to have to evaluate how much time she needs. I inquired when "we" could go to therapy or counseling and she said "At this moment and time, I'm still working on myself". Bethany - I, in a way, kind of guaranteed that I will be there for her. Was it wrong of me? At this time while we're apart, I told her I'm not interested in meeting anybody new. Through text messages, she tells me how she is doing and how the cats are doing, and how she has cleaned the place. I do have some of my stuff that I left at her place. Would it be ok to tell her I will pick up my stuff? I'm guessing she will realize that we're 1 step closer to breaking up and losing me? DN - You're right. At this time, I am focusing on her and her needs. Maybe it's because she has done the same for me in the past. I'm just trying to be as understanding as I can, even though I don't understand. Here is an email I wrote a couple of weeks ago. Dear J, I Miss you! The time we've been "separated" have made me realize a lot of things. A lot about myself and our relationship. I have taken you for granted and for that, I truly apologize. I'm sorry for the times that I made it difficult for you to talk with me. I'm sorry for not showing you enough of my attention, love and support that you need. I'm sorry I wish I could take back every horrible or painful memory, but I can't. I understand that these things make us all grow, whether we like it or not. I wish I could've done more, or said the right things, or been a bit more patient, or just realized things much earlier, but I can't. What I realize now, (among other things) is how much I love this woman who has been my girlfriend of 8 years. I wish I understood earlier and showed you how much. Allow me to prove it by my actions. There's nobody else I'd love to spend my life with but you. I want you to know, that I want to be there for you, and at the same time, give you the space you need. If there's anything that I'm doing (or anything that I'm not doing), that makes you angry or resent me, please tell me! I don't know if you feel the same about me, but my love for you is true. It's unconditional. I cry myself to sleep knowing that I can't hold you or see you. It's selfish I know, but I must respect the time you need. If and when you are ready to continue our relationship, I would be more than happy to see a counselor or therapist with you. I'm willing to put my 100% undivided attention at working on myself, us, and our future. I Love you. Love Always, KC1 And here's her response Dear KC1, I know this is very hard for both of us right now. I don't want you to feel that everything was bad or that I wasn't happy. I would not have been with you for 8 years if it was. I thank you for your apology and I don't want you to feel that you need to. I think the relationship at times was hard for you too. I know you wanted more intimacy, and I am sorry I couldn't give this to you at times. I did try and communicate with you, but through therapy I realize maybe I could have tried other means. I think I just wanted you to be happy and I didn't want to make you upset, so I wouldn't say anything, but that isn't fair to you. I miss what we had at the beginning of our relationship. I miss the romance and the time we would put into us. I think we got comfortable and this is why I would want to talk about "us" to ensure we would try harder. I have to admit at this point I am really just working on the choices I made and why. I am trying to figure out what I need and how I can communicate this effectively. I am also still feeling frustrated and angry, but I don't know why. I really wanted to feel important to you and that you cared. I wanted you to be a part of my family and friends and to "want" to do things together. I know you made efforts and I acknowledge all of this. I know if you had the opportunity, things would be different. I just want you to take this time for yourself as well. You need to know what you need and do things to motivate you. I want you to understand that I may not be the same person I was when we were together. I may have different needs. You may have different needs. I will let you know how things are going with my appointments. On a different note, the apartment is still messy. The first half of the living room is clean. Love you. Take Care, J Thanks for listening!

Hi. I have been with my girlfriend for over 8 years. I met her when I was 23 and she was of the same age. Over the years, we haven't had the same fire we did when we were younger, but have come to be comfortable with each other. I have taken her for granted and my actions (or lack of) has shown it. The past couple of years, we've been talking about marriage and "the ring". I recently found out that she does not want the ring because she feels that she had to "ask" for it and she feels she shouldn't have to beg for it. I didn't feel that she begged for it or asked for it. In fact, she knows I've been working with a jeweler on getting her one! Well, about 6 weeks ago, she told me that she may have issues, on how she copes or deals with problems. I didn't understand but I told her that I would give her the time necessary to "fix" this. She has been seeing a therapist for about 4-5 sessions now and found that she deals with problems with me as she does with her dad. She mentioned something about how she copes with issues and that she doesn't communicate it effectively. She avoids problems with me and does not bother to tell me what's wrong. Instead, she holds it inside, and never lets me know of the issues, or things that I've done wrong. The fact that we can't even talk about it, really makes me feel helpless. For the past 2 years, she has learned through talking to her therapist, she has been holding resentment towards me. She told me that she wanted me to feel like I was part of her family. I have made efforts to see them weekly with her and even visit when she is not able to. She brings up a time when I was not there for her (when her grandmother took a fall and was sent to the hospital). I was experiencing a migraine at the time and said I would go either later that evening or in the morning. I now know that since then, she has trust issues with me because "i wasn't there for her". After that incident, I have truly made efforts, by visiting her grandmother (even without her), and going to dinners with the family. She acknowledges my efforts, but it doesn't matter it seems. I love this woman and I have sent her an email telling her that I'm willing to work things out. Even seeing a therapist together. But how can a person who holds resentment towards you, would want to work things out? Should I even "stick around" and see if she even wants me back again? She did mention that if roles were switched, she would not stick around, and she would move on. I recently asked her if we were still together or not. And she couldn't answer that. I asked her if she wanted me to still be around, and she replies with this disclaimer, "I can't guarantee you anything." I understand she's focusing on herself, so how much time should I give her? 3months? 6 months? Is time the only thing that can heal? Is there anything I should or should not do? Thanks for listening