Risingashes

I have a feeling that the basis of my issues come down to a fear that people will reject who I am. Not through anger, mistrust or disgust- rather a simple process of becoming bored and moving on. It started with being picked on in primary school, 6 years of my life being the one people turned to when they needed someone to torment must have hurt a lot more than I ever let myself believe. Once you don't fight back the first time it just becomes too easy to not fight back the second time, to do so would be unexpected, rude even. Being the intuitive scamp that I was, I took high school by the horns and did the only logical thing, I imitated what I saw as the best parts of bullying behavior. And for years I was happy. While it started out a simple process of making the lives of the vulnerable hell, I couldn't help but try to offer them a way out, pushing them to the very edge but faking a vulnerability letting them get a shot in. Maybe I was just trying to reassure myself- what I mistook for some kind of underlying benevolence was really just an attempt to convince myself that my weakness, my apathy was in some way justified. Bullying really doesn't solve all problems however. In the end we do what we do and then try and retrospectively define who we are based on those actions, smokers wanted to start smoking, drinkers wanted to start drinking. The problem being that if you do too much you tend to lose sight of what you actually are and what you were pretending to be. Picking on others in a school setting only serves to initially ally yourself with others who likewise want the attention or simply wish to remain out of the crosshairs. What is needed for true friendship is an actual closeness, something that I purposely avoided. Generalities, jabs and comical insults were as close as I ever let anyone get likely due to not wanting them to actually see me. No one really endears themselves to someone who wont admit they have weaknesses. Of course the problem is that I truly don't know if there is anything left, I can be somewhat too good at hiding. I wouldn't put it past myself to of made up just about everything for over 6 years. How am I supposed to build upon something that isn't real. I think I've done too much damage already, it might be best just to try harder at lying. Eventually someone will accept what I become.

I am a 21 year old white male, lived with my mother since I was born- in the same house, same city. I'll start off with the letter I wrote to my dad yesterday, as it's as good a place to start as any: "Hi dad, Been awhile, so I'm not entirely sure what you know- so hopefully I'm not repeating too much stuff. On the plus side I've decided to go with my first draft so it should result in a colourful mismatch of straight to the pointless and rambling. Current I'm at * Uni doing a Bachelor of Commerce, which is a blend of economics, psychology and a bit of management. It has all the elements of a Bachelor of Economics but without the Accounting units (maths is a subject I never quite got the hang of and I didn't think it wise to risk going through it). People in general warn others of the effects of doing basic psychology units, it often leads to people analyzing things- to the annoyance of the people they label psychopaths and their friends and family who often have to listen to them breaking down their childhood using poorly understood methods and techniques. Luckily the effects are mostly temporary- corresponding in general to the specific subject of focus for that weeks lectures. But more to the point, while our occasions together have been often few and far between the impact has always been substantial- whether it be motorcycles, buffets or auctions all are unique and separate from the rest of my life. My memories however can be likened to a ball of string that has become unraveled. I don't know if this is standard for a normal mind, or if I simply required a more sugar packed breakfast when growing up (as television often suggests), but I was unable to identify when it all stopped. I suppose that really I just wanted to say "Hi" and was curious as to what the reply would contain. I've always believed myself to be immune to petty emotional issues, but when I look back to my friends, my relationships there was always a basic assumption that the time was limited, that there would be a definitive and definite end. I needed to try and address this. I'm not sure how to sign this, so I'll just hope to hear from you as soon as you think of something to say." The letter is conveniently within a notebook, hidden yet available. The first time I had occasion to realise the past between my mother and father was around the time when I must have been twelve. Sitting in an adjacent room, with rooms whose walls proved to be too thin I heard the upset muffled shouts of my mother to my Nana (my father's mother), what I took away from it was the fact that my birth specifically was a large determinant in the breakup of my parents. They had never married, but had lived together for around 4 years, my father didn't wish to keep me but my mother adamantly refused to give me up. Their separation was very hard on my mother, only now have the instances where the stress seeped through in to her actions has subsided, appearing to come to grips with this in her old age (60ish). My interpretation of this has changed significantly over time. From memory originally it was a hurt feeling, after all up until quite recently my ego has always been of massive proportions, and to be told that your father effectively wanted to off you wasn't entirely consistent with your world view. Regardless I believe for a long time that the incident was mostly forgotten for it's direct implications concerning my father. What became more relevant with constant analysing was guilt. When my mother had me was a time mostly devoid of the motherly benefits that exist today, likewise child support was also lacking- either by my mothers attempts to avoid my father despite a continuing accumulation of wealth via the property boom, or limited legal options I am not entirely sure. What was entirely clear in my mind however was that due to having me she lost her full time employment as a primary school teacher, and to this day was unable to get back in to full-time employment, instead working as a casual. This only increased when my penchant for money increased and I was able to effectively calculate ongoing costs and missing earnings- this guilt however was only an ongoing temporary emotion. For the most part I could push it away. My father and I had what would be between 10-15 outings throughout my life. They ranged in length however a 1 month vacation to America was the longest. His world and my own are completely different from one another. Living in the city and going to school, and the occasional trip to the zoo could pretty much sum it up. When out with him however I visited auctions, where he made sure that I could bid on whatever useless junk I wanted, buffets, while simple left an impression that most would not understand without having experienced such a strange event as being able to pick and choose whatever you wanted to eat without limit (to this day I pick 1 food item and eat 4 helpings worth ignoring anything else, and my friends think I'm strange- clearly their cross mixing of food will be the death of them all), and as an ex-racer he bought me a small motorbike that I rode around an extensive forest property that he sometimes used to host racing events. While these visits were often far apart I could always remember them simply because of how absolutely different they were from normal life. My father as well exhibited qualities far beyond what I normally encountered. He seemed constantly smiling and always making jokes with people and laughing. I see now that I attempted to imitate him as best I could, although it took on a far more sinister approach- however different section. Suddenly they stopped. I'm uncertain as to why, I was far different from my father but I don't believe I'd ever done anything, even looking back, that would have offended him or frustrated him despite our differences. It is a mystery that I had believed I was above. "So he doesn't want to see me, I've already experienced enough from him- any new encounters would likely be similar to the last and as such unnecessary" I've found myself using this logic alot, notably about rivers, valleys, glaciers. Of course being myself I couldn't really see a problem with this logic- and after all how many valleys can you see before they all look the same? At high school I was the smart alec. Friends abound, quick mouth, etc. What helped me was a true belief that people were easily manipulated simply by playing with their emotions, life was far more interesting when the players in it were in conflict with one another via your actions. Despite what movies and midday television will have you believe, the underdogs didn't win, I wasn't dethroned, or crashed in to a car of manure. I certainly wasn't a monster, most of the people I had earlier conflicts with learnt to deal with me and became as close as someone could actually get to me. And apart from that I actually had some close friends that actually liked me from who I was. I began going out with a girl that took my breath away, and I treated her like I treated my friends, by keeping them at arms length emotionally. While initially our contact was frequent I started to call less and less, and we started going out fewer times. By the end I realised that I wanted the relationship to end, however when I saw her or heard her voice I couldn't. The whole situation was remarkably confusing for me- while I was acting irrationally I explained it as reality acting strangely, that is when I tried to explain it. Eventually she ended it, she stuck with me far longer than one could expect. And while it is what I wanted, what I tried to achieve- it also broke me. Up until that point I believed myself invincible, above. Unfortunately my ego couldn't twist the situation to fit my previous beliefs. I lost the feeling of someone looking down at reality and twisting it to my will. I lost the gleam in my eye as I watched events unfold, taking in the subtle occurrences. I lost confidence in myself, and in my imagination where I was king, power had shifted towards the supporting cast. I worked out in recent years that all my friendships and relationships had broken down over time. While initially I thought that it might be due to simply having a personality whose value diminished over time, I came to see through my actions that as soon as people were cemented as close I began to gradually ignore them until the point that they disappeared. This didn't bother me as it was simply the way it was. However it wasn't until now that I began linking things together. I saw that instead of pushing away people that are close for fear of rejection I started relationships off with the pretense that eventually that relationship would end. I as such concluded that the sudden halt of communication between myself and my father had an unseen impact on the way that I perceived relationships, and through a selfforfilling prophecy this had been reinforced in my own mind. While the answer is clear "send the letter", it has moved beyond that point. I'd be attempting to reclaim a personality that itself was born of rejection and a undue over reliance on myself and none others. The lessons that I learn are contradicted daily, what use is an obvious solution when what is obvious is dependent on an ever changing outlook on life, on the past.