coco_angel

Hi everyone! I took a break from ENA and I guess its time for an update... It has been hard..I have had ups and downs since my last post. Me and my ex did talk again and it was more of me burning him at the stake and finding out the painful truths in order for me to stop thinking I was crazy. It didn't go well and I didn't expect it to. To be honest I feel like I have lost myself and have been that way for almost a year now. I finally decided yesterday that I can't hide this from my family anymore. I have been in a cave when it comes to my emotions. I have been distant, angry, having a short fuse with many people and I don't want to push my family and friends away from me just because I am not happy with my life. I also admitted something else...I am an emotional binge eater. I have gained and lost pounds like crazy my whole life. But it seems it has gotten out of control since the breakup...his engagement..his wedding...him phone stalking me. It has been 8 long months and I have just fallen into depression. And even today seeing my ex's wedding pictures..seeing him happy and smiling and looking at how miserable I am just put a knife into me. I dont know how to handle it other than eating ..Ive done this since I was very young and I decided I need help!!!! I told my mom that I wanted to go to a counseling session so I could get it under control. I don't want my two young neices or my own future children to see me react like this and think its okay. For me its not the food, its learning how to express anger and sadness in a non-destructive way and also to not keep everything in. I have noticed that eventhough I don't feel sadness everyday..I still eat like I so. I tried to handle this myself but as I was sitting in my room downing chocolate cake and sobbing......it just hit me that I really can't do it alone.

First, I just want to tell you be strong, you will get through this. I am going through the same thing. In fact I slipped up and responded to my ex last week...big mistake for me. So many emotions came back. I also refused his request that we be "friends". It will get bettter with time. You will find that you dont cry as much if you dont have any contact that also means no reading letters over and over...putting things that remind you of her away.. I had to get rid of the pictures and gifts and hide it in my closet. Don't pick up the phone. My problem now is getting my friends and family to stop bringing up my ex and stop saying his name in my presense. I feel bad because I told my good friend today to just "STOP!". We talked about him last night and she brought him up again today and I told her: The only way that I will be able to move on and get over this ..is if I get up every morning...make my bed...shower get dressed and go on with my life and not talk about him or think about him because if I do..I will make my depression worse and I can't keep crying. You had a life before all this and you will have one after!!! I wish you the best of luck... and hey if you ever need to talk ..you can message me. I'm going through it but I'm determined to get over it.

Yes yes ......all posts so true NC is back in effect!!!!.. and agian he texted me again yesterday..asking me how my day was. It is sad that he doesn't love his wife obviously. But that is what she gets for getting in the middle of our relationship. And it is what he deserves for cheating on me and marrying a 19 yr old..a freakin baby. No longer my concern ...I will remain on NC. My main concern is not carrying emotional baggage into another relationship. In my line of work..I meet alot of young professional men that I am interested in and would give a chance and now I really do feel like I am ready to start going out on dates. I have one this friday..it should be interesting lol ... He is cute but I dont know him enough to even trust him one bit. We shall see...

So if you dont the whole story he cheated and I started NC..I didnt return any of his phone calls or text messages or anything. And last night I broke NC! At first I told him to leave me alone but then I felt I needed to finally get things off my chest and tell him over the phone to just stop. I mean he got married last month and still he was constantly trying to talk to me. He told me he was sorry and I said not good enough. Then he asked if we can be friends! He said he realized how much he hurt me and that it was eating him up all the time. We started talking about our lives and how we were doing because he asked me. And then he like started calling me the nick name that he had for me when we were together...it was just weird. He wants to call me more often and I told him I am not ready to be his friend because I can't trust him. He said he understands but he still wants to try and I just feel like why the hell now... Obviously the teenager that he married isn't doing it for him!!! And he also said "I hope if you need anyone to talk to, that you would call me" . Why the hell would I call him??? There is more but I just dont feel like writing it. Honestly I am not shocked by him calling me ...he has been doing it since we broke up. What I am surprised by is the friendship bs....we were good friends when we were together before he started cheating....he just messed t all up! I know I shouldnt pick up the phone anymore because its just freakin pathetic..when we were talking it was almost like he was looking for approval of his new life and accomplishments and to show that he has matured but that is bs....... He said he doesnt have another motive for talking to me other than apologizing and wanting to be my friend but i dont know. Enough of my rabling just an update on that bs.... part of me says just tell him to f*** off and part of me thinks that talking to him for bit wont be as harmful as I think. What do you think I should do?

annie24...thanks. I am seriously going to see a therapist personaly I think it is long overdue. I have had self-esteem issues and problems my relationships with some of my immediate family members and i think it would help. I don't know if I should tell my parents that I am going to therapy. I do not want them to worry about me. I really do not know what to do about that because at the sametime I don't want to lie about where I am going. And yes I do think that I dogged a bullet its the remembering part that is bugging me. honneyspur.. thank you as well. I used to think I was very strong but sometimes I don't know this has been quite a year for me. L.J. accepting all this is the nastiest pill that I have ever had to swallow. I mean I don't have a choice. Is that step one lol. Has anyone ever been to therapy for the purpose of healing? What should I expect? I really have only been once with my family for my younger brother a very very very long time ago and I vaguely remember it.

Well I guess I will start with the end....My ex got married on Saturday to the girl (and yes she is a girl) that he cheated on me with and throughout the entire 7 months that we have been broken up he has tried over and over to get a hold of me..I mean everything from emailing my best friend to texting me multiple times telling me how sorry he is and I never let up..I never responded..all he got was silence and maybe a hit on his myspace account. I dont know why but the last text really rocked me. He said we really needed to talk and that he was soo sorry...(this is one week before his wedding!). I don't know where my head is. I am okay...not too much crying but at the same time I feel so lost. I have to basically erase 2 years of my life from my memory and it is so hard to do that. Sometimes I just wish I would have let him know that I still loved him becuase I did and I still do. Thats what is making it so hard for me. I realize what he did to me and how much it hurt me and he knows that too. Its just the completely forgetting everything part that is so painful and I dont know why my mind wont just re-program itself and delete it all. Any suggestion for how to heal? I am seriously thinking about going to therapy..I am not suicidal or anything I just need help emotionally so that I can function at home alone in my thoughts as I do at work.

Thank you lady bug and firedancer for your comments and advice! I have to say its been a journey and I feel like wow ...I am at peace. It took a long while to get here ...7 months to be exact. I guess what really helped me to be okay with what has happened was the fact that I got to see the real him. Now the roles are reversed! He texted me last week saying that I need to call him, he is so sorry for hurting me and that i didnt deserve it and that we need to talk because all he wants to do is apologize and that even if I never talk to him ever again...he is soo sorry. It wasnt shocking.. it was more like why now? he is getting married in a week. Its pretty pathetic and hell no I didnt call him back. Yes I loved him but I refuse to let him back into my life after all the bulls**t. And besides I am having fun flirting with hot guys lol Well any advice for moving on? Like its weird dating ..I'm still a little rough and stand-offish..its not that I dont like these guys ..I'm just cautious hehe... Well take care and Happy Holidays!!!!

You know when I read your post...I said to myself that I need to do that. I mean he is getting married in a month. He is still trying to contact me and i continue to ignore him. For about 6 months now, I have truly been on a roller coaster and its weird. I try my hardest to be happy and I am determined to live my life and achieve my dreams, but that one part of me still feels empty. Everyone that knows me ...knows that something about me isn't right and I have been trying for so long to do what you have done. We have had no contact since June. On wed, he texted me and asked if I was still mad at him. He chose to lose his relationship and be with his now fiance and he chose to smear it in my face and play games. So much of me has let it go but I still have anger. I mean guys want to talk to me and i just keep walking, brush them off with the cold shoulder or just flat out diss them. I know its mean and maybe they dont all want to date but I just cant handle it right now. Any man ..I just dont want anything to do with. I guess what you did by saying goodbye and truly letting go would help me ...i just dont know how ...I have tried this and it hasnt worked.

thanks kekep!!

Okay fast forward to today...November 8, 2006. I am doing great. I have moved on with my life and enjoying being single, making money and finishing school. Well not to my surprise my ex text messages me (after no contact for 6 months!!!) and asks: "Are you still mad at me" LMAO omg...I havent responded and will not respond. I could have sworn that I blocked his number. Well the point is ..I was flipping out before and stressed. I mean I get sad and shed a couple tears still every now and then but I have realized how pathetic he is. He is getting married to this little girl in a month and still has not gotten his life together. To all those that are feeling hurt don't worry it will pass and the men that left you will come crawling back like cockroaches!!!!! Too little ..Too late!

Thank you robowarrior and crazyaboutdogs....your words and advice have helped out alot. Most times I am okay but the other day when I created the post...I was extremely sad and I just had to let it out. I feel like soo many good things are happening in my life but this one thing always has a way of bringing me down emotionally. I still love him and its soo hard to see him being so loving to his fiancé..its almost sickening. I have met someone ...really nice guy but I told him upfront that I am not emotionally available. I mean I am not ready for another long term relationship and its a shame because he is a good man and he is soo kind to me and I like him. I am just so scared that once I finally give in and let my heart go that he will crush it just like my ex did. I know that I shouldn’t make the next man pay for my ex's mistakes...but to be honest I have issues with trust now. I feel like even if a good man was to come into my life that I would mess up the relationship. I guess the hardest part of all of this is learning to be happy alone. Before I was with him ...I was happy being single and now its soo hard. Sometimes I feel alone and unloved and depressed. Although I just got a new job and I will be graduating college soon. I still feel a huge void in my life! I don’t know ...I still cry sometimes....is that normal? I mean kept the jewelry he gave me...should I get rid of it? thanks again for the advice!

So here is the short version of everything I've been going through for the past 3 months. I was with my ex for almost 2 years. The last 5 months of our relationship we were 1 hour and half away from each other. We broke up last june. I found out he had been cheating on me after the breakup and after he had wanted to see me and still be with me. He had still been calling me. But he is now engaged to the girl that he cheated on me with me and the whole thing is killing me inside. It just hurts. And he is still insiting on hurting me after all this time. Partially cause I did look at his myspace page but puts comments directed to me that he know will hurt me. I am trying so hard to move on. I have blocked his text messages. I blocked his email and his last way of contacting me is through his myspace page. I just decided that in order for me to heal and get over things I have to set my things to public and show that I am living my life. I dont care about the other girl because she knew about me. I think what is hurting me so bad and what i dont understand is why he is insisting after all this time to hurt me. To still say something to me. Did he know I would check his page?? Yeah, but he checks mine too. I mean we were together for two years and used to spend every weekend together. And stupid me in the back of my mind is still thinking that they will breakup and that he will come back to me...eventhough I would never take him back...ever! I loved that man so much and I just don't get why he can't just leave me alone and just let everything go and be a bigger man. Part of me still thinks he isn't over me like how I am. I am not over my ex and I dont know how long I will be that way. Like I said I have taken two steps forward and one step back. I know how to move on its just so hard and I dont understand if he loves this girl then why does he still try to say stuff to me?