Hello,
So I am yet another person with another broken heart and attempting to pick up the pieces of a suddenly broken life. My girlfriend has recently left me and I am, like many people here, surprised, distraught, but fortunately haven't let myself make to many post break up mistakes aside from an actual break up breakdown.
Since every situation is of course different, I am going to take the time to list out a brief history of the relationship and the eventual circumstances of the break up, hopefully it is not to long but I know the information will help for the overall perception of the situation and eventual advice.
First off I am now a 20-year-old male 3 weeks away from returning to university for my junior year of college. The relationship starts like this; in august of 2005 I move into my apartment in a duplex house next to campus at my university. The first weekend before class and really the week after is a fairly intensive celebration and partying and all those sorts of things, meeting new people, throwing parties etc. So me and my two roommates at the time (3 person apartment) are of course having our own wild time getting crazy on our porch, around the house, and adventuring with people and friends who live conveniently accross and down the street. Inevitably I meet the girl, D, who will eventually become my girlfriend. She lives 5 feet away next door with a bunch of girls so we of course end up meeting and we end up running around seeing people and she walks over throughout the course of these days to way what's up and hang out and everything. This was different than other female interactions I have had because we instantly hit it off as if we had known each other for years, as if best friends suddenly got to hang out. We went to different places around town, inevitably ran into each other and had a great time as could be. She would just show up and pull me to go somewhere with a giddy smile and all sorts of things like this. A pinnacle of this was when we had a huge party at my house and some of her friends had one accross the street and we were bouncing back and forth, somehow we ended up talking by ourselves in my kitchen (it was above the porch where the party and people were) and just had deep and close, yet fun conversations. We sit close on my stairs and as we get up to leave I kiss her for the first time and it is fantastic, she is happy and we continue to hang out neighborly and friendly for several days, eventually having some hook up interaction and things of that sort. This goes on new, instant connection bliss for the first week or so of school and then reality hits.
At this point she returns from this instant attraction to what is really going on in her life. She recently got out of a deep, tumultuous, serious relationship in the last school year and had only been broken up with the person for about 3 months or so at this time. He used to live accross the street from where we did now and his friends still did so this guy was constantly around and haggling, trying to hang out with her and all those sorts of things. They had a bad ending and she was positive that she did not want to return to that relationship. In addition to this she had recently started seeing a long term friend of hers who also happened to be an acquaintance of the ex, she felt strange about it but they shared a bond and she was just trying to relax and not be steeped in drama and commitment. She lets me know about all of these things and tells me that she cannot continue to see me because she has been instantly attracted to me and is not ready to be in a relationship and the commitment and emotions that that entails. She was having a hard time thinking about who she was, what was going on, and trying to get her life in order, in addition to a mysterious and delicate fling with her friend. This was hard for me to accept at first because I was instantly head over heels for her, but she wanted to be my friend and she wasn't going anywhere so I naturally accepted. I missed her initial affection and it was hard to deal with but we became friends, living next door to each other we could not avoid seeing each other and all that.
Long story short we are friends, I struggle to be a good friend and not contact her, be invasive, but remain calm, cool, collected, appropriately distanced, and more than anything fun. The thing with the friend ends, as she does not have real feelings for him and values the friendship more, it was a bad situation amidst the lingering ex. Several months go by in which we hang out, get closer, and I am a quality friend for her as I am supportive, fun, and not pressuring. We have moments of weakness through this time, like kisses, and brief hook ups, and eventually in November she decides that she has had enough time to her self and is interested in me and confident enough with herself to be in a relationship. I had almost given up on a relationship, which I instantly wanted with her, and just hung out with her and said the worst that can happen is were friends and all those sorts of things.
We officially get together after thanksgiving break and begin a glorious relationship stemming out of friendship and trust. This goes on incredibly as we connect as much as I anticipated from being close friends and are absolutely madly in love soon after. After winter break, January, my two roommates do not return to school for various reasons but still pay rent; I have my apartment to myself. For various reasons my girlfriend spends a majority of her time and nights at my place, we are bordering on living together and things get very serious. During this period we have almost no fights except for passionate conversations about certain topics.
In May 2006, summer break begins and I return to my hometown 3.5 hours away from our college town, and she returns to her town. We are 5-6 hours apart, driving. Things go well but we have sort of a rough time as I have had a history of being bad at talking on the phone etc, just unintentionally distant, bored, or concerned with other activities. One of the only problems we have during our blissful time is her having a feeling that I am not as interested in her life as she is in mine. This grows slightly in this time and I try to be better but I do not think I took it seriously enough. I do not make a disaster yet, but I mess up on occasions, we get in more fights and arguments than usual during this time, and there is strain on the relationship. I go to visit her in the beginning to the summer for several days but then we both get jobs and cannot see each other. I see her next at a music festival on July 14-17. We go with some of my friends and meet in our college town, the even itself is amazing but there is some strain between us as we have had some disputes of late. I seem to discount this as we have a great time, sleep in a tent together, and she is ecstatic to actually see me and appears genuinely happy. Shortly after this festival we have some more rocky conversations and a serious situation happens. Her best friend is pregnant and decides to have an abortion. Her friend is very meek and my girlfriend is in the position of having to take care of a lot of the situation, from lending money to a place to stay etc. My gf has had a lot of rough situations and times throughout the summer and this is just a monumental weight added to her shoulders. My ex gf relies on me a lot and I do my best to be there for her and do not screw up completely but do not support her over the phone etc as best as I possibly could, I do well but she is not satisfied as she fells like I don't have enough to say etc.
A critical moment happens when she has to go make an appointment and visit the clinic with her friend, they stay at my ex's apartment etc. It is a very rough day for her. This was Sunday, July 20th. I was at work will 11 pm, I sent her two text messages while I was at work, but later learned she did not receive them. This night I get of work real late and she slips of my mind slightly as it was a very hard day and get off and rush home stressed from the day. I eat dinner etc, and end up getting into a long winded conversation with my mom about several things and at this point I have not called my gf. At about 12 30 Am I go to my room and check my cell phone, honestly to call her, and she anguished and say text messages and missed calls from her, she's very upset and cant believe I don't care about her life. Right as I am looking at my phone she calls again and I pick up and she is so said and upset, and I cant believe I haven't called yet. The situation is bad but after about two hours of her being upset and hurt I manage to calm things down and we talk it out, she accepts my apologies but I know she is hurt. Over the next day we talk on the phone and I make the mistake of nagging her about something she said to me that upset me. This leads to a call where she tells me she is not sure she wants to do this and put effort into this relationship. She is busy hanging out with friends and she still has an appointment with her friend later in the week, and in one call she is to stressed by my questions about us etc and starts to say that she does not want to do this. Two nights ago, Tuesday, august 1st, I can't reach other and I am freaking out because I'm scared about the relationship so I drive in the middle of the night to our college town 3.5 hours away to see her in person and figure out just what is going on. I get there at about 4 Am and see her, we talk, and she says that she has come to the decision that she does not want to be with me right now.
To Summarize Her break up logic: She is having to deal with a lot of personal hardships in her personal life and I have failed to be with there for her, I broke her heart and disappointed her beyond repair (the night I didn't call before she reached me distraught); she isn't happy and it is taking more effort to deal with the relationship on top of her problems than it should, I should be her support and not more stress. She also said she wants time to herself because she has been so caught up and stressed with me that she hasn't been doing as much for herself, she also mentions various minor flaws she's been thinking about with me. I have not SHOWN her that I care, a critical mistake.
In my nightly visit, upon realizing she actually wants to break up, I do not react well, I cannot believe it is actually happening and I cry, wail (not angrily) and am overall emotion wreck beyond belief. I know this was wrong but I was exploding with pain and disbelief and this is the greatest pain I have felt in my life. We talk throughout the night and I plead with her like a total worm, talking about our relationship, and all sorts of things but she restates that her mind if made up. After reading this forum, in retrospect I made every mistake possible: begging to take me back, asking if/when we can be back together, unintentionally trying to pity her into changing her mind, and all sorts of things like that. We talk more and have breakfast, I have to return home and she has to tend to her friends so we part and I am a mess when I leave telling her I love her and cant live without her and will think about her and all sorts of things. I drive home and get home at about 2pm after leaving earlier at about 12 am. This was two nights ago, on Tuesday. I called her yesterday, august, 2nd in a non relationship way because she had to go to a funeral and I wanted to be there for her and asked her about it etc, In the back of my mind it seemed like she would feel I wasn't genuine but I had to do it because she talked about the pain greatly, it was a family thing. She was out with friends so I asked some questions and then she said she had to go. This was last night, it is now Thursday august 3rd.
Finally the Advice Part, I apologize for the length, if anyone actually read this, but it is helping me cope in addition to seeking advice.
This break up just happened so I am trying to avoid the pitfalls of messing things up further like I've read about people doing in this critical after stage.
I must say that I have never before had anything this serious and she was certainly my first love, for her she has had serious relationships and love, but said nothing was as true as us. I have not had the chance to learn from previous mistakes and I instantly have realized the mistakes I have made.
It is the classic situation of the male, myself, being arrogant and getting to comfortable with the person that loves them, believing nothing can go wrong because she loves them so much. I was way to comfortable and I only understand now the kind of pain she must have felt when she didn't feel like I was there for her as much as she was for me. I am trying right now, amidst the pain to understand what kind of person I have been and what I must do.
I know I have hurt her terribly, but it seemed almost inevitable that I would make some sort of crucial mistake in my first deeply serious commitment. The only pain greater than the thought of her being gone is the thought of letting an amazing woman down; a woman who has treated me incredibly. I have made a universal man mistake of taking her for granted.
After browsing these forums extensively in the last day or two to help me cope I have gotten a lot of insight and hope from the guides posted and various peoples cases. I feel like a total piece of junk for how much I've hurt my woman but I am starting to understand her pain and how I have taken her for granted. I feel like maybe I don't deserve her but of course I want to reconcile because she is the most amazing person I have ever known and she told me she still loves me and does not know what the future will hold. I have tried my best to collect myself, I have not had much powerful love experience, so I am taking this lesson very hard, but I feel like I am being kicked so hard that I would never hurt her again, I've never taken her for granted much in my own heard and mind, but I have failed at showing that to her. I need another chance.
I have read all of the guides and am taking the advice to heart. I am in the middle of the intensive pain but I want to be constructive and not ruin both of our lives in the present moment. I want to collect myself and hope for the best.
My main question is how to proceed from here, I know it is only the begging of the break but there are going to be crucial moments soon in the future.
I have not immediately considered NC, but in our case it will be impossible to do that, I would have to try hard to eliminate contact and I would come of as angry and depressive. This is because in 2-3 weeks we are all going to be going back to our college lives in our college town. She will be living like 10 minutes from me in an apartment with another girl that is our mutual friend. My roommate is also her friend. We have very intertwining social circles so I have no chance of eliminating contact if I grow from this situation and have a semi normal (at least on the exterior) life when I get back.
She had stated that she wants to be friends, and considering how this relationship started I believe her words. NC is literally next to impossible.
I know I need LC to help me cope and grow, I am absolutely destroyed right now beyond anything I have experienced in my life, and if there is no reconciliation possibilities I need to begin preparing for that now. I am going to let myself feel pain, but I want to get on some kind of path now so I do not hurt her and myself in the coming weeks.
How can I maintain low contact with someone who is going to inevitably be in my life, while still attempting to be a friend to show her I care?
I know the road to possibly fixing this is going to be to be a confident, mature, growing friend who has learned lessons and may only get back together with her by being there on a friend level and SHOWING her he really cares and loves her through positive action and support.
I am afraid if I do no contact at all she will feel that I am proving her right that I do not care at all, and that I am not really upset by the break, and cannot even be mature enough to support her as a friend.
On the other hand I know I need to give her space and freedom to think, for both of us. I also need to think, coup, and grow from this.
Where do I find the balance between letting her know it is affecting me and I do care and want to help her and grow and maybe retry, while still giving her space and coping myself to learn lessons and deal with the possibility of it being completely over.
What to do?
Another problem is that in 3 weeks when we all get back to school she has a birthday on the day after I am going to move back to town. Literally three days ago we were together and she joked that I better be there, I already have some presents for her (pre break up).
I do know if she will want to see me and if I will be emotionally ready to see her. I also don't even know what is going through her head now and in the coming weeks before the fall semester starts. I am moving in Saturday, her birthday is Sunday, and classes start on Monday; chaos.
This has just begun, and is only my side of the story, I had to get this all out and I hope someone will take it seriously, I thank you in advance.
The break was about three nights ago; I have called once to see if she was okay after a funeral (neutral conversation, but she got off the phone fast)
I have no idea what she is really thinking and if she cares about this at all. I know she thinks we had an amazing relationship, but her view of the last month+ is much more pessimistic, that I know.
I know I have proven to her that I can help her with her life and I am genuinely interested in her during out pre dating friendship and all that happened then, but I have taken her for granted now and never want to again.
Please Help.
