i need to talk something through on here and am really hoping for some feedback, because otherwise why would i be here ... i will try to be as brief as possible btw, i'm a lesbian. that's why i am posting in this section.
background
i was with my ex for 4 years. She broke up with me 1.5 years ago. She's been with her current gf for about 1.5 years... you do the math. i've been in my current relationship for 8 months and we're starting to have some problems. Most of them to do with the fact that i've been feeling absolutely suffocated. i should probably also mention the fact that it is a LDR. Funny thing is, my ex broke up with me because i suffocated her (and she finds it humorous that i'm now dealing with the exact same thing- only after i had addressed my codependency issues from a professional).
here and now
i absolutely love the girl i'm with but...
i still have strong feelings for my ex. we spent the weekend together and it was pretty wonderful. At one point, she wiped a visible tear from her eye. i'm not sure if it was from her contacts or a "real" tear. when we said our goodbyes, i fought back the tears... she did too- but even in the fight, you could still see the moisture. It was the first time we had been together, alone, and both in a fairly healthy, happy state. it felt different this time. She shared some things with me that her current gf does not know. She made several i'm glad you like this because ------ doesn't or i couldn't do/say that if ------ were here. little things, stupid things, that probably don't matter...
i know she loves her gf. i, too, love my gf immensely but not as much as [i had loved] my ex. Sometimes i wonder if my ex feels that too. i feel like i am cheating my gf of what she deserves- someone that loves her as much as she loves me. i also want to be able to love someone as much as i loved my ex; otherwise, i feel guilty. i'm just not sure if my heart will ever allow me that?
and through all of this- all i can think about is that goodbye and the way she walked me to my car and watched me drive away, something she had not done in such a long time, even towards the end of our relationship. And it hurts so badly to know i have to put it out of my mind.
if you made it to here, please, i need some input/feedback/advice.
