Heartlessagain

(warning: this is coming from a very prejudice point of view) For the love of god or whatever higher power you might believe or not believe in...... (rAMEN ) never ever ever ever take them back !!!! (never) JUST DON'T (believe me ignorance is bliss when it comes to this knowledge) even if it was the love of your life or there will never be another like them DON'T (can't stress it enough) NC helps for reason, it kills them off like bacteria (which they are) it might be slow and painful but in the end you will find yourself resistant to them. If they write you letters, send you emails, call you 3-5 times a day, say they love you, use the old pet names, and so on...........DON'T LET IT HAPPEN Do not break it, do not cave in. Fool you once, shame on them Fool you twice, point that finger at yourself

It has been one of those days/weeks/months. Lately it has all beening adding up. It first comes as a joke "I need a vacation, wheres a gun so I can go send myself on one", something so simple, so innocent. Its enough to raise a eyebrow or two but everyone just laughs it off the same as a really bad joke because thats what you do when something makes you uncomfortable, you laugh. But then the joke starts coming more and more frequently and for more and more mundane things. You got a problem, doesn't matter what it is, you say the same joke over and over. I hate it. It just comes out, I don't even notice it till after it has been said and then you respond with that knee jerk reaction, did I just say that out loud. The ways of beating this feeling are not working as well as they use too. Exercise, movies, music, etc..... are all getting more and more unable to dissipate this somber mood. A aura of hate starts to surround you and makes it uncomfortable for even your closest friends and family to even be around you or interact with you which leads to even more isolation. But very recently this new pattern in my behavior has caused me a great deal of concern as I can see it visiblely what is happening to me and yet I am powerless to stop it. I try to improve the way I think about things, but it feels so fake when I do it. Getting professional help or medication is not a viable option at my present time. I am hoping that just typing this out will in some way help but not too sure.

Words They are so meaningless. Being told "I love you" a thousand or a million times but you will only end with heartbreak and betrayal. I know I am not the first that this has happened to and I know I will not be the last. However this is such little comfort when such a thing happens personally. Everything came to a abrupt stop like a train wreck when going full speed into a dead end. I am so tired. I tried not to become cynical. I tried to believe and hope in the future, I really did. I tried to do the right thing. Tonight there are no more excuses. The strings to the past have been cut and all ties severed. The future washed away in a hail of lies and deceit. Gone, gone, gone..... is everything I am or was or ever will be. Time will heal? not this time, there is nothing to heal. The scar tissue is to thick and everything has been broken over and over again so many times, it is like dust. There is no room left for anything but warm suffocating hate. Numb to the core, death has come for my heart. Take it and these foul memories of your cursed touch. Remove your laughter from my ears, your skin from my taste, your hair from my smell. Like a dream I am unable to escape, stuck forever bound to you, unable to free myself. Never again. Never again. Never again I gave you my soul and all you did was laugh as you tore it into pieces. I hate you. Damn you to hell of your own making. Suffer and wallow in your own filith. I hate myself for even allowing myself to fall in love with such a pathetic piece of trash * * * * *. Noone can see past your charming bright exterior and see just how rotten to the core you really are. Curse my weak self for believing even for a moment all the promises you gave. Curse my heart for allowing you to fill my world and become my existence. Curse my mind for not letting go. You killed me. I died. You won. The thing I hate the most is I will never be able to tell someone else "I love you" without your ghost following me for every step of the rest of my god forsaken wretched life. I am done

It is a tie for me, I listen to these over and over and over Linkin Park "Somewhere I Belong" (When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I'm not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all the vacancy the words revealed Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck/ hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain till it's gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real I wanna find something I've wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I've got nothing to say I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity 'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own [Repeat Chorus] I will never know myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything till I break away from me I will break away, I'll find myself today [Repeat Chorus] I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong and The Postal Service "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty And I'm barely listening to last demands I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath Where I am Where I am I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest That tells your new friends I am a visitor here... I am not permanent And the only thing keeping me dry is Where I am Where I am Where I am You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting And I am finally seeing Why I was the one worth leaving Why I was the one worth leaving D.C. sleeps alone tonight Where I am Where I am Where I am You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting And I am finally seing Why I was the one worth leaving Why I was the one worth leaving Where I am Where I am Where I am The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening And I am finally seeing Why I was the one worth leaving Why I was the one worth leaving Why I was the one worth leaving Why I was the one worth leaving

LOL, no the messages were not for to me. They were for my wife (or should I say soon to be ex wife now) Thats what I can't figure out......she has her own cellphone.......like I said very few people even know my cellphone number He said said her name twice in the messages, hell he even called her by her nickname....so I know exactly who he was trying to talk too We are still married. We have been separated for a few months now, we been working on our relationship the whole time and things were getting good. Hell I went and saw her a few weeks ago and things were great. But then I found out she did something and lied to me about it, made me very upset so I went full NC on her. She pulled the whole sorry song and dance routine and I fell for it, but I still kept NC up for the most part except in emergencies.

Woke up this morning so sick (and no I am not sick from the heavy drinking last night) as far as her beening the one to send me those messages last night, the idea came to me briefly but I out right rejected them. The texts were very clearly guy in tone and the way they were worded, manner, and spelled was completely different then how she texts. Plus here is the kicker, for her to use another guy's phone to do this prank * * * * to me with, she has to first be around him, then what the hell is she doing with this guy after midnight on a weekday. Anyone know if these texts could be used as evidence at divorce proccedings of infidelity against her so she can't try to act like the victim when I file monday????? yeah, majorslayer I know the whole lying routine they put you through all too well

*RANT ON* LOL sucker one, two punch I must of seriously done something bad in a past life to deserve this. I really don't know what else to do, I have already disturbed the sleep of my best friends but they didn't make me feel better, ah hell I am going to try to type it out as well. Sitting at home, had not too bad of a day, just pretty dull. Anyways I figured I would get ready for bed in a few minutes when my cell phone's IM goes off. This is about the time my oldest friend will text me and let me know what a horrible day work was. Anyways i picked up the phone checked the caller ID and did not know the number, curiosity killed the cat. Anyways I checked the message. It read and quote "Lets (four letter word that started with F)" Then right after it came another "I am going to make you so wet" and then a 3 more of these types came. I messaged back "Who is this" I don't know what is going on. Usually people don't text the wrong number.....hell for a second I thought it was a prank or something and was about to ignore it till the next message went. "It's (insert his name) who do you think (insert my god**** ****ing ****** of a * * * * * ex's name)" I swear to god my vision turned red. This was the ultimate slap in the face. I have never screamed out loud like this before. I have never punched a hole in my wall before (thank god there is a home depot close by) I have been good, I have NC with her for a couple weeks now ( no matter how close the past few days have been that I almosted caved and we are still married, no papers have been filed on either side, thought it was a one time thing and we both worked our ways through it ) First thing that comes to mind is " This is what you get for trying to do whats right and beening faithfull" ( I SWEAR TO GOD WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART, nice guys finish last, treat a girl like absolute crap, have tattoos, have no future and they will screw you like no tomorrow, if your the opposite end of the spectrium, your "husband" material, and you might as well give up having any meaningful relationship till your in your late 30's , 40s, if a girl says she is a Christian, she is the biggest lying * * * * of them of the all everytime, at least I didn't care and never married any of them till she came along, my mistake I will take to the grave ) Second thing that came to mind was " THAT GOD**** LYING * * * *, PIECE OF TRASH...............................you get the idea ( she never told the truth, she lied to me since the day we started dating, if she really did love me, she would be here with me ) Third thing was " HOW DID THIS DIP**** GET MY CELL NUMBER???" (there are only 5 people that know my cell phone number, how stupid do you have to be to IM a woman's husband's personally cellphone with messages like that) HOW???? HOW CAN YOU AVOID THIS???? You can't I had measures in place if she tried to contact me, I know her cell phone and home numbers, Hell I know the her state's area code numbers to avoid if she tired to call me. SO HOW DO YOU DEAL, YOU ASK?!!?!? I went through my entire house and rounded up every single bottle that contained any alcohol ( keep in mind my alcohol tolerance is very low, due to working out and diet, a couple light beers can buzz me) I proceeded to consume ever drop of tequila and captain morgan and jack daniel's I could lay my hands on ( always kept a stock of liquors for guests and parties and stuff, I stayed away from the wine ) IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER CHEATS ON YOU , IT IS EASIER TO KEEP THE BLINDERS ON, BUT WHEN THE OTHER PERSON APPEARS, REALITY HITS AND YOU REALLY DO REALIZE THAT MAYBE TEMPORARY INSAINTY IS REAL" Shallowed by hate Quiet as death Even stars die Time is still My eyes are open Let my sin burn

I thought I was safe....I thought I was doing better.....I thought that was healing then I went and had to watch this link removed for some reason it absolutely broke me.....I found myself scrambling through old phone bills trying to find my ex's number so I could call her and just scream how I need her When did I become this weak........how did this set me off and just crush me

I hate reality so much, I guess thats why I never gave up cartoons. I lost everything, the woman I loved, all my possessions, my career everything and having to start over. How do you cope with something like that, well the reality is just plain ugly. Every night I will drink myself numb because nights are the worse time. I will wake every morning about 6 and run my * * * off as hard as I can to punish myself for last night till about 7. I will go to my college class about 8 am, I don't care what anyone says Calculus will dull your mind from the pain faster than anything thing else. After class I will go workout about noon for a hour or two depending how I feel. Go home , crash and take a nap for a few hours, wake up about 6 pm, send some time with my dog and cat and that evening repeat the whole thing over again. there is no coping with this

as if looking into a mirrior.........oh wait this is a GQ Magazine.....nevermind Anyways my 2 cents.......she is stringing you long and your letting her.......doctor heal theyself as far as loving someone forever......even stars die you love her...yes, you care for her....yes, you miss her......I bet, but does she the same to you really? her actions will speak far louder then her words...you can't be a horse with blinders anymore I bet admit when she tells you she loves you it feels like the greatest drug in the world for your soul....only thing is it makes you addicted it too and all you get is a moment of a great high with incredible long periods of crushing lows

(try to imagine in jack sparrow saying this) You know the feeling you get when you have a feeling about a certain feeling. Well I now have the feeling you get when you learn that the first feeling was right about the second feeling and then there is no feeling. ok so enough of trying to lighten my mood. *venting* Karma , Karma , Karma I so wish I could be there with a camera so I can capture forever the moment when it all comes around and gets her. I know that you don't wish bad things on other people, you wish good things on yourself but you know what I am tired of doing the right thing, for once I get to be selfish and want to be on the winning side. How much energy and time and money did I waste on her? Staggering I am sure. She said she loved me even till the end.....only thing was she was saying it to another guy as well. Seriously I REALLY do feel sorry for this guy. He has no idea what he has gotten himself into with her. Serious the joke explains how I feel A older man had saved up his money for his entire life and could finally afford his dream car. He was riding it around the hills of California enjoying the speed when a cop started chasing him and telling him to stop. The man thought "Hey, why not?" and and gunned it. The cop followed in hot pursuit, still yelling for the man to pull to the side of the road. After several minutes the man thought to himself "What the heck am I doing? I'm too old to be doing this stuff!" and stopped, letting the cop catch up and pulled over The cop stepped up to the man and said, "sir, it's the end of my shift and I want to take my kids to Disneyland tomorrow. I really don't want to fill out the report on this whole escapade, so if you can give me a REALLY good reason why you made me chase you that entire time I'll let you go." The man, surprised but not missing a beat, replied, "decades ago my wife ran away with a cop from California. I saw you chasing me and thought you had finally found me again and were bringing her back." The cop walked away without another word. I have put up with most incredible (insert a 4 letter word) you can imagine from her for the past 3-4 years. I seriously feel stupid that I put up with her for as long as I did, but hey love makes you do stupid things (like give up your family, friends, dreams, and religion) but guess that wasn't enough for her. Once again I am the bad guy, let her rant and rave all she can , as loud as she can about how I was such a terrible husband, and once I again I will sit silent and just watch. I was not perfect by a longshot but you know I tried very hard and I was serious and loyal. I guess I didn't get the marriage handbook that contains all the instructions like she did when we got married. I guess I am lucky in a way. She has had me in such a constant state of hell these past few months that I been through that whole grieving process several times now. We were all such good friends they brought their friends like debt and insommina. Now that the final nail has hammered in, all I can say is....I really do feel great. This great weight has been lifted and I can finally get on with my life. I know there is still some shock, but hey I would much rather feel the way I feel now then the way I felt the past few months. I am not psyhic or anything but I would say I can predict the future pretty well. I know as sure as the sun rises that she will be calling me in a couple of months......I know it.....I will even place money on it I am so sure of it. I totally believe in Karma, so it isin fate's hands now to dish out divine retribution. If I deserve anything let it come and I will take it with a smile. She on the other hand of the cosmic scale.......I think it would be a fine time to start buying future Nevada Beach Front Property. Why does 2006 need a reset button? because then I would not of wasted 12 dollars a pop to go see this spring and summer horrible movie selection

Currently me and my spouse are separated. We have been separated for about 2 months but it was not on bad terms. We talked and we still have deep feelings for each other. We are currently slowly working our way back together. We are planning for her to move back with me in a couple of weeks when both of our schedules open up. Things between us are good and growing stronger by the day. Last weekend I flew out to see her and we had a great weekend. But heres the catch........ When we first separated she moved back home. She still had alot of family and old friends there so things were great to her. Then suddenly one of her very best friends from high school gets in contact with her. Keep in mind that she has be out of high school for 7+ years. Anyways turns out she was excited to find her really old good friend. She said they talked almost every single day. To be honest I trust my wife and believe she would never cheat on me and I will never cheat on her. Anyways when I first found out about him I grew upset because I felt like she was trying to hide something. This lead to a fight because she thought I didn't want her to have any friends. (it is amazing how different men and women can take conversation and hear it in totally different ways) Anyways I went on to warn her about him and she thought I was beening controlling. Anyways she calls me tonight and goes "You were right" Turned out he called her and says he wants to break up with his girlfriend and go on a date with her. Listening to her , she was upset and hurt. She kept talking about how she thought he was just a friend and nothing more. I asked her if this effected us and anyway and she went off about how it doesn't. I really want to believe her but fear plays tricks on the mind. I tired to be as neutral as I could be. The worse comment I made was "This guy is dumping his girlfriend to try and go out with a married woman? Is this really any kind of guy you would want to have any kind of friendship or relationship with? If he does this, then most likely he did it before and will do it again" SO here is my question and any advice would be great. How do I get rid of this * * * * * * * and yet be supportive of my wife? I want to nip this in the bud before anything begins to interfer with the work and progress we have been making.