AutumnBorn

Pretty sure she meant you and him. He's in love with himself.

M., can I suggest you pick up a copy of the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships? It's a sociology book about how relationships end, rather than a relationship book, but it seems to provide answers and insights when we aren't sure what exactly happened. It did, at least, for me. Really, it changed how I looked at the end of my marriage. Seeing how it ended in those universal steps, helped me tremendously, and I can't even say why exactly, except it gave me some answers my ex couldn't. I think you might find some hidden answers in there, too.

Healing is never linear. The waves of grief will, over time, will come less frequently and won't engulf you. You'll be OK. I promise.

WhenInRome, I think you need a fun project to distract you and fill your mind: You Wouldn't you like to become the one who got away? Know this - one day he's going to reach out in some way or you'll run into each other at some event. It could be six weeks, six months, or six years from now. Doesn't really matter - it will happen and you should be prepared. Would you rather he see the same woman he once rejected or someone he's not expecting? Someone confident and self-assured? Someone he would think he might have been wrong about? Before you start, you have to stop trying to see or hear anything from or about him. Our exes have a special kind of radar - they know when we're trying to catch some news or a glimpse of them. You need to actually try to avoid seeing him so enough time passes for you to get from "before* to "after". Don't worry. He'll still be trying to avoid you, just don't go looking. Let that radar of his go completely silent. Step 1 Change something small about the way you look.in case you run into him in 6 hours. This should be something that's just temporary and may only register on a subliminal level - part your hair on the other side. If you normally accessorize, stop wearing jewelry. If you don't normally wear mascara, start. This is so that he won't be able to put his finger on what's different about you, but will know something is changing. Step 2: Learn something new. Take a class - learn to play the cello, take a sign language course, or join a writing workshop. It'll give you something to help distract you. Step 3 Become an expert in something - local politics or architecture, digital photography. You'll become more interesting. Step 3 Expand your social circle. Go to new restaurants and businesses. Introduce yourself to people and practice remembering their names (while never expecting they'll remember yours). Listen to others and ask thoughtful questions so they know you're engaged and interested. You'll become well known and popular in your community. Step 4 Volunteer at least 4 hours a month for a cause you believe in. You'll find self worth outside of relationships. Step 5 Go on am adventure. You'll want to have a story to tell when you do run into your ex. Step 6 Take good care of yourself physically. You'll want to make sure he notices you, right? Step 6b Change something about your personal appearance. The reason this is further down the list is that it should be a thoughtful change. Don't just impulsively decide to shave your head. Rather develop or refine your personal style, whatever it is. 6c Daily affirmations. Short, positive, present, personal, and specific messages. Get a notebook and wrote out 30 of these sentences. Every night before you go to sleep, wrote one of those sentences 39 times while you say it over in your head. Here's an example of a good affirmation: I have cute earlobes. (This was an affirmation n I'm actually used because my self-esteem was so low I couldn't think of many compliments for myself at first.) This is a bad affirmation: I will not look at my ex's social media. (It's not personal, it's really about him. It has a negative word in it, "not", so not positive. And is not present, but forward in time as implied by "will".) Not all affirmations have to be things you believe are true right now. They can be things you wish were true as long as they follow the other rules. Like: I am worthy of being deeply loved. It is true, but you may not believe it right now, so it's good. Another good one: I am in complete control of my actions. Bad: I will not cry today. Affirmations are corny and dumb, but if you do them for thirty days they'll start to work their magic. .It's in important to write them out. Start by coming up with the 30 sentences. Before bed pick one to write out 30 times, but read all of them every night. This will help change your inner dialogue and how you perceive yourself You'll feel more confident and attractive. And how you feel is 50% how others perceive you. -- The entire plan is to focus on yourself. No contact with him. No posting weird things on social media hoping to get his attention. And no posting vague hints about these changes - either don't mention them at all or be up front and upbeat about them, posting only to a friendly audience. Personally, I think radio silence on is best. When he sees you, don't you want the sweet revenge of seeing him eat his heart out? You do that by becoming the best version of yourself and not remaining the pathetic girl with the tear soaked pillowcases and puffy eyes. It's not a good look. Not the least bit attractive. Believe me. I was that woman. I cried every day for 2 years. TWO SOLID YEARS. Not all day, but for at least a few minutes every day, usually an hour. Until I realized what I was doing wasn't working for me on any level and I developed my own personal plan. Did my ex come sniffing around? Yes. Was I over him by then? Absolutely, and dating a very successful, intelligent, handsome artist to whom I'm married today - why would I even consider going back to a narcissistic geek who played mind games? Good luck.

My annual check in and who's in the room but Grandmaster SuperDave himself. Another great post. Wow. Good to "see" you again after all these years.

You know one thing that keeps people from being happy is the decision to not be happy. Just decide that the BS of what happened while you were apart doesn't matter. It's not a topic that needs to be discussed and dissected. In the words of Frozen, "let it go". Have you read Al Turtle's website, alturtle.com? (Best and most comprehensive website on the internet.) Also, I recommend Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Not a relationship book, per se, rather a sociology book with insights into the how and why of breakups (and, in turn, some insights on how to get back together or stay together, if you care to extrapolate on the research).

Yeah, yeah. You love me. I get it. Don't say it again. It's getting weird now.

"Working?" What kind of text is that? If you want to see me, you have to message me at least a few hours in advance. But, as I told you when I was in NC with T, there's no point in your attempting to stay in touch unless there's an issue with our children. Sorry you and K. didn't work out, though. As I said before, you need either a wife or a decorator. At least she was some help with your decorating dilemma.

Hey, B. Do you see the irony in our situation? Crazy, huh? You'll never win me back now. Never. It's been seven years. Give it up. Just stop.

Middlemarch by George Eliot.

Remember, 3Tears, the challenge is only supposed to be for a month. You're almost half way there.

Happy Father's Day, B. If I could give you a gift, it would be that you'd stop thinking about me. Sorry you've come to your senses. I wish I could take that wish back.

I hope your turkey turns out as dry and tasteless as you are. Just kidding.

Can you extract your head from your ass long enough to look at your family?

Please, idiot, stop hitting on me! Nothing you do turns me on or interests me. Find a way to get me out of your head. Please.

You just keep looking for someone to replace me; everyone has to have a dream. I never believed you were evil until this weekend.

Up to your old tricks again, I see. You're not seeing Sweet P. anymore. Good for her for not being friendzoned when you said you didn't love her. Now you're trying to get me back in your bed and lying about everything. Seriously, why lie about a dentist appointment? You couldn't even be honest about that? You ARE a sociopath. Do you honestly think I believe you're going to back to the Midwest to see family? How stupid do you think I am? You're going to save the Breeding Queen from a life of poverty. She's looking for an free ride, moron. Wake up! Women don't have that many children by that many different men accidentally (and her oldest girl - . Thankfully, she doesn't have custody of the minors. I hope you see through her like the last guy did. At least he didn't marry her and got custody of the boy. There's hope for the little guy.

Your ending things with Sweet P. doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with you, btw. But thanks for suggesting it. Again. What about the $100k? Why didn't you bring it up?

You can buy me out for $100k. I'd settle for $80k, but we'd said before I'd need 100, so that's what I want. It'll be one less thing to keep us knitted together. Four years of checks and we'll be strangers.

You're going to see her. Thanks for confirming the insecurity I felt for the 26 years we were together was justified. You should take your 2010 income tax return with you to compensate for your looks and old man bum. Maybe you'll even be able to orgasm with her. Poor Sweet P.

News Flash: I'm not going to have sex with you, B., no matter how many times you suggest it. You just keep fantasizing about me and keep it to yourself.

I just read an article on desire and it got me thinking and wondering why you'd rather be miserable than to try to be a better mate. You want me sexually, but that's it? It's a package deal as far as you're concerned. "Items not sold separately." You don't want to make any personal changes, don't want to accept responsibility for anything you've said or done. I guess it's working for you but, honestly, wouldn't you like to be able to orgasm with a woman again? You think your inability to orgasm with others is my fault, that I "got in your head sexually" and called the pull I have on you a "fatal attraction". It's love, you moron! Deny it all you want, everybody knows you're lying.

At least you didn't say "why do you care if I'm sick or not? What's it to you?" or say I was nagging. The comment about both of us knowing you'd find a way to blame me if you did have a heart attack was pretty funny, though. You do blame me for everything - from your lying to your thinning hair. You know I'm going to bug you about going to the doctor and getting that stress test done now that you mentioned it. That pasty skin means one of two things - you've been in Seattle too long or you aren't getting enough blood circulation. You don't exercise (no time to check on yoga, but lots of time to check dating sites.. come on). You don't have sex. You don't eat right. Sitting at home watching movies, going out to eat and drink with friends. Yeah, I'll out live you by decades and miss you every day.

You looked like hell tonight, B. What's happened to you? You've aged 20 years since we split up. It must kill you that I've never looked or felt better about myself, that you can't orgasm with anybody else, and still fantasize about me. I'm not only not attracted to you anymore, I'm actually repulsed by you. You look sick and old and nerdy, though not in that "cute nerd" way.

It's good that you called a therapist. Too bad s/he didn't call you back. Depressing when somebody doesn't think you're worth responding to, isn't it? Maybe you could learn something from being disregarded in that way. Maybe not. So, is that why you called, to let me know you'd made a call? Or was it to let me know about your mix-up with the checking accounts? Or that you're working on Sunday? Or to find out how work is going for me? I didn't think there was any reason to really call. You said you'd call me back later. Why say that? You never do. In fact, I'll bet I don't hear from you for another 7-10 days. You'll even pretend to forget about my birthday, which is an excellent idea. I wouldn't want it any other way.