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BeStrongBeHappy

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BeStrongBeHappy last won the day on March 30 2009

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  1. The best way to avoid these conversations is to not play... in essense, offer no resistance, bend in the wind. She's trying to get a rise out of you and in fact wants to pick a fight, so if you want to extinguish this behavior, you need to ignore it rather than reinforce it. Practice things like what Karmageddon says, like "i'm sorry you feel that way," or "really? is that so" and "yes, you've said that before." Just all purpose non-answers that don't respond in any way on the topic she brings up. You need to think of it like you DON'T return her volleys when she lobs one over the net. Just let it fly right past you and ignore it. She can't play this game if you won't play with you. Then change the subject to something else, and if she won't stop, end the call. Sooner or later it won't be fun to play with you, because you won't take the bait.
  2. Native Americans genetically have very little body hair (but on their heads of course). It's genetic soup! Very possible to have no hair, and also very possible to have a lot.
  3. Mish, different states have different laws... Unfortunately, in some states it can go on for years if there are property disputes and custody disputes and the judge has to schedule more hearings or hearings get postponed. I live in a state where if you miss one court date (or it gets postponed), the next date doesn't even get on the calendar for 4-6 months (due to how busy the courts are). So 3 or 4 postponements and it can be years. But you can frequently get the divorce earlier than that, and still leave the other issues to be settled later (so the legal divorce granted sooner, but the settlement or custody resolution later).
  4. Divorces are very hard and it is quite common to have nostalgic and very sad moments when the divorce finally comes thru. There are frequently memories of coming to the courthouse to get a marriage license and being really happy, then ironic to come to the courthouse again to get the divorce. There are even lots of 'courthouse step' reconciliations where people come right down to the very end, meet up at the courthouse and decide they want to try again because of these nostalgic feelings... but those reconciliations almost never work out because once that nostalgic moment is over, they are right back with the same problems they've always had. Anyway, congratulations! once the nostalgia passes, you will be freed to start your new life. It is also wise not to rush into another relationship because you are lonely. It sounds like the girl you were dating had her own set of issues, so best to keep looking til you find a nice person.
  5. Congratulations on getting free from him! Also just proves the point that people's character doesn't change. He is who he is and is up to the same old tricks. Gotta feel sorry for her though... Everyone believes that their love is special and that someone will change for them or for the better, but they rarely do, or at least not major changes like going from being a callous brute to being a nice guy.
  6. You need to be working on making your marriage better and living the life you want, or working on breaking up and finding the life you do want. Many people feel discontented in marriage, but do nothing. When you do that, it takes the line of least resistance, which is down or worse as a rule. Some people handle this by focusing on kids or jobs or things outside the marriage. But you need to really think about what you want, and what it will take to improve this situation. Lots of people make the mistake to bring children into the marriage when the marriage is lacking, but that just complicates things. So you need to accept that you need to work on the marriage (with couples counseling if necessary), or recognize that he and the marriage are not what you want, and quit wasting time.
  7. i know some couples who have handled this by moving farther away from relatives, so that the contact is not continual and limited to holidays or a visit or two a year. as long as you and your husband are getting along that is important, but if you are discovering that all the joy is draining away from your life having to conform to the expectations of his family, that is really difficult. so you can try to get used to it, and if you can't perhaps he would consider moving away to control the interaction. sometimes that is what has to happen if the family is very overbearing and won't leave you alone. of course they won't like it, but it could help your marriage survive and thrive.
  8. You are letting a tyrant rule the roost! First, it is YOUR house as well as his... since when does he get to decide that you won't have a party?? You have to fix the power balance in this relationship so that you stop allowing him to act as a PARENT rather than a husband (and a critical parent at that). You have to sit him down and talk to him about the fact that it is BOTH your house, and he is draining the joy from your life. And plan a party anyway, whether that is a daytime party for your kids and their friends and your friends, or whether you feel strong enough to assert your own rights and have a party in the evening for the neighbors and too bad if he doesn't like it. he would have a point if you were partying all the time, but you are just wanting to do a NORMAL thing and he is draining the fun out of it and forbidding it like a parent. i would really suggest marriage counseling in this case because you have such different styles, and need to learn how to get your needs met. and he needs to learn how to relax! he will NEVER think you are ready to have a party because there is always something one can do to decorate a house 'more' or 'better', or else he is just bullying you because he doesn't want one. people have parties in empty houses, or tiny apts., whatever, it is about having fun and the PEOPLE at the party, not the house itself!
  9. do you want to work it out with your wife? you might try marriage counseling too, just to be sure that there is nothing there to salvage. this OW sounds like a mess, and that there is nothing there worth trying to save/build. sometimes these kind of obsessions are formed not based on fitting together in the right places, but instead in the WRONG places. that can be a powerful attraction, but not a healthy one, so you are definitely doing the right thing with counseling to find out what is going on, and might consider a few sessions of marriage counseling too to end the marriage with dignity, or realize you might want to save it.
  10. i don't know if this will help you, but there is something called 'intermittant reinforcement', which means that when someone is given a reward only sometimes, not every single time, it actually makes the person chase harder after the reward than if they got a reward every time... so him texting you on and off is working that way, manipulating you into missing him, then before too long goes by and you start to get on without him, he starts texting you again so you won't forget him and move on... the best way to deal with this is to set your phone to reject his calls and texts, so that you get silence and time to recover from him. he really sounds like he may be trying to keep you on a string for when it is convenient for him, not treating you with respect and consistency... he really won't offer you want you want, though he will continue to manipulate you to try to get what he wants...
  11. i think you have LOTS of stereotypes in your lists. She will sleep more when older, ummm no, most older people get insomnia until right before they die. Cat people are more affectionate, ummm, most people think the opposite, they are more aloof like their cats... So the point is that everyone is an individual. People age differently based on genetics and lifestyle too. i've seen some 45 year olds who look 60, and some 60 year olds who look 45. And some 30 year olds who are less active then 85 year olds. You could also find a 25 year old woman, who decides she wants 8 children when you want 2. Or no children at all after you've been married 10 years... A famous actress who is married to someone 30-35 years younger than her was asked about the age difference, something to the effect, 'aren't you worried about death separating you?', and she replied, 'No, if he dies, he dies...' So i would stop thinking in generalities, since nothing in life is guaranteed and every relationship is different. But i think that if you are already so concerned about this and have just started dating, then maybe you should do her a favor and talk about it, or set her free to be with someone who appreciates her as a *person*, not someone who is categorizing her as an 'older woman...'
  12. don't worry about showing weakness... your feelings are your own, and everybody hurts when they discover they have been involved with someone who lies and cheats. but do stay strong and DON'T contact him or respond to his texts because he is obviously still dating other people and has no intention of being faithful to anybody. you really should block his number and texts to not be reminded about him. really, he obviously has a long history of cheating and lying to women. his little text today was a pre-emptive LIE in advance to cover for the fact that he has a woman over and knows you will see it. he obviously thinks if he wears you down you will eventually hook up with him again, but what will you get if you do that? more lies and feeling bad about yourself, because he obviously wants to have multiple women and doesn't appear to regret hurting you either. so do yourself a favor and block him on your phone and email. also, explain your situation to your mutual friends, and ask them to please not talk about him to you, or about you to him, since you have broken up and you don't want to hear more about him because just want to get over it.
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