CynicalGuitarist

I came to this board a long time ago for advice on how to possibly make my life slightly better and it's only gotten worse. Sad, I know, and this might sound like pessimistic bs, but if you think that, please, screw off now; I hate my life. The even more pathetic part is, it's all my fault, and I can't fix my own problems. For one, I just figured out I have A.D.D. My mom just thinks I'm lazy and it's all the computer's fault. I've been diagnosed by a psych who has it as well, so I'm going in about a week to try meds. I know medication is a pathetic way out, but this inattention, spacing out, impulsivity, and impulsive hyperactivity has been effecting me my whole life, and if I want to "go" anywhere in life, I'm gonna need to be a speed freak and/or undergo hours of strenuous therapy. Because I hate the repitition, absurd lack of instruction, and large, crowded classes of junior college, I've been failing. I know, it's sad and I should just "study more", but it seems the more I study and the harder I try, the worse I get. Plus, nothing I learn is ever practical, yet it's what the instructors focus the most on. I cannot four-part write for music or do "proofs" for geometry. I find it tedious, annoying, and essentially useless. I would get help, but whenever I try to get help, they treat me like I'm a retard. I thought that the suckiness of school would end with high school, I was wrong. I know, I just need to "shut up and get back to work", but I envy whoever can do that. I hate my brain and the way it works; too bad I can't go back and ask for a refund. Girls. I hate them. I'm sick of them. I'm tired of their lies, bullcrap, trickery, unempaty, and inability to see past the materialism put upon humanity by clandestant groups and banking companies who control the world. I'm tired of trying with them. I'm tired of compromising. I'm tired of their "you'll find someone new" b.s. which they use to try and make me "feel better", and the fact that if they reject you, there's always a good reason, yet if you reject them, you're a shallow pig with poor taste. I know "not all women are like this", but you're telling me to find a frikin safety pin in a haystack. As tired as I am of women, I'm tired of the lack of intimacy in my life. I have a few people who I care about and who care about me, but no intimacy or closeness. Sadly, this has been going on my whole life and I don't know what can be done about it. I'm tired of losing all the people who've helped me. A friend of mine recently commited suicide. It's been hard on me and everyone else who befriended him. I warned him about hard drugs, and he goes around and does them anyways. He got caught up in stuff he had no control over, and so he jumped in front of a moving train. I want to cry, but I can't. I feel terrible and it's making paying attention and catching up even harder. I feel like if I were a better friend, I coulda helped him, but now he's gone and it's too late. His funeral's on Tuesday, and it's gonna be hard on me because I've known him since 4th grade. I'm tired of losing all my friends; by death or otherwise. Now I'm completely alone on friday nights and my only friends I commonly see anymore are a 71 year old photography guru and a pathological liar who stutters all the time. Everyone else is so hard to contact or find. So, there you have it, a self-made failure. No job, money, or prestige. It's all my fault, too. I just want to be happy. I want to feel success for once. I want to be content. I want to be focused. I want to hear about one thing I'm doing right instead of a million things I'm screwing up on. Too bad I have screwed up on all fronts, and failed college. Feel good story of the year, eh? I do have one positive note though. I found my dream guitar at guitar center. It's a beautiful Gibson SG that costs about 1,500 dollars on sale. I love absolutely everything about it; it's the perfect guitar. It's one of the few reasons I should keep living and put up with life's bull. Too bad I'll probably never have it. I've created my own doom and am stuck in it. It's a 39 foot deep pit that I'm stuck in. I should have the right to complain about it too.

no... whenever girls say they "want to just be friends", they just want me to be their shoulder to cry on when their jerk of a boyfriend breaks up with them. I ain't havin' that.

Mr. O.P, you're on the right track, buddy. I wish I woulda stayed the way you are now before my ex-friend double-crossed me to get with the girl that I like. More power to ya.

Yeah, but suicide is not the answer. You would be better of elaborating on your situation and letting it out rather than solving your problems with a blade or gun.

I am so angry right now... I can't believe I ever trusted him... why did I tell him how I really felt, and he took those feelings and crapped all over them!!! Tonight, I see my 3 friends (1 of them being the girl I have something for)... I've been suspecting that my best buddy has a crush on this girl (he knows I do), and so I talk to him in private. He admits it as truth. He says that "I love her more than you love her" which he doesn't know, and he told me "She doesn't like you anymore. don't worry, there's someone else for you out there!!" Keep in mind we've been buddies for 3-4 years... gone through a lot together, yet he just craps on all those years we've been friends. I didn't want him to tell her that I liked her, yet he does it anyways and tries to hide behind a lie for his own selfish freaking reason. I don't care... He double crossed me and didn't respect my feelings!!! He can redeem himself, if he doesn't take this relationship, but he really did screw me over... His excuse as to why he didn't tell me he liked her in the first place was that "Well, we didn't want you to go over the deep end" YEAH!? WELL I WOULD'VE BEEN MUCH BETTER OFF KNOWING THAT HE LIKED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THEN I WOULDA BACKED OFF AND KEPT MASTURBATING TO PORNOGRAPHY AND LIVING MY PATHETIC LIFE!!!! I'm tired of everybody screwing me over, and I hate my life. I try to love, but get nothing in return. I try respecting her, but I get nothing back. I try being a good friend, only to lose one. I hate my life.

because part of you wants to stay...

I say do what I'm not doing (but used to do) and smoke a joint and watch a funny movie (I recommend Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas). As long as it doesn't interfere with your daily life, it's a theraputic dose of harmless fun.

I agree... feelings totally suck and I wish I could control mine to not desire to ever fall in love (hence the title of the original post)... but it happens... I did (indirectly and unintentionally) ask her out for coffee, and she said she'd love to sometime... I guess this is really a major conflict between my soul and my brain.

current mood: Schizoid (haha, just HAD to take a dig at Myspace blogs) Anyways, just as I declared I'd never let a girl get in the way of my life, she comes in. I had soooo much fun; drinkin' beer with one of my best buds, partying out, enjoying myself before college... yet then I meet her (a friend of a friend). She's not exactly model-perfect (though I am extremely attracted to her in many ways), but she (GHASP!) actually listens to what I have to say, and is a total sweetheart... So, I find her on Myspace, and I leave her a comment expecting not even a simple reply... then we start commenting eachother. I start seeing her as a good friend who is a gem in the sea of crappy, slutty, stubborn, stingy girls. Then, my friend (who is a girl, and her best friend) tells me that this girl likes me. Of course, as I was buzzed off of 4 beers, didn't think much of it. Yet slowly (but surely) I begin to have extremely strong feelings towards her. Because every single girl (previously) I've ever liked as more than a friend had rejected me (horribly so), I don't know much about the subtlties of women. I have been (and still am) extremely enamored by this young woman's presense, and then started to think maybe I'm not such a loser after all. Of course, all good things must come to an end. My old high school buddy (who knows both girls) tells me this girl I really really really like just got outta a relationship. I was crushed. I felt (and still feel) like a total butthole. Now I'm stuck in a shell afraid to reveal how I feel to her. My friends keep lying to me just to make me feel better, and that totally frickin sucks. I've been telling myself "forget her, Dave! She'll never wanna go out with your weird- * * * anyways!" but that just makes my feelings for her multiply. I can't believe myself. This girl means the whole world to me. She's the cherry in my eye because she makes my sour world all the more sweeter. I love everything about her. I want her to be happy because she matters more to me than I matter to me. She has the best personality I've ever seen in a girl around my age. Anyone ever seen "Punch-Drunk Love"? Yeah, I'm pretty much turning into Adam Sandler's character. I've been yelling one minute, enamored the next, and apathetic after that. I don't wanna tell her how I feel, because I don't wanna scare her. I can't tell her because my mind's not ready... but why do I have this subconscious voice telling me to follow through? She's so smart, beautiful, caring, funny, sweet, interesting, and intriguing. If she rejects me, it'll ruin me for a looooooong time. I'll shave my head and go back to pot, beer, and cigarettes. Don't give me any of this "don't do drugs! they're bad for you!" crap, but being 18 and without a significant other hasn't really been healthy for me either. This feeling for her is much more than just a feeling in my pants. I'm really hoping she sees me as I see her. Radiohead's "Creep" has become a damn good description of how I feel right now.

Kita, I'm not here to tell you that the world isn't messed up because it is. All of the brilliant minds who have made/could've made a huge difference knew it... Bill Hicks, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Albert Einstein, MLK jr., Malcom X, Hendrix, and the like. All these people are dead... I know how you feel; many people in this society have had their third eye spraypainted over and willingly turn into monsters for the sake of their own ego (which is, infact, an illusion. just like this world). There are still people who are fighting against this mass idiocy and hypnosis most are living under... i.e. Kurt Vonnegut, so I don't think you're alone in feeling this way. I know this world is messed... music helped me learn this. I am starting to debate whether I should encourage others to become musicians... because unless you're playing music everyone else loves, you are going to be lonesome as hell. People are going to call you "weird", girls/boys will reject you, others will frown on you if you choose music as your career, you'll get ridiculed for your eccentricity... etc. However, some of the best musicians have found a way out of this hole by suffering for years and years and years of everyone else putting them down... Beethoven's music teacher told him as a composer, he was hopeless. Pink Floyd were booed offstage and had beer bottles thrown at them when they were performing their first shows. Nirvana started off poorer than toxic sewage. These are just a few examples; however, by not giving up, and screwing what everyone else thought, they were rewarded with all sorts of acknowledgement. I say give this world a chance... I dont know if this helped any, but you're definitely not alone. You'll see this if you ever read any of my posts on this forum. Take care, and read my sig.

Yes, but I heard this long ago from a little Pink Floyd song called Time.

Actually, it was just the fact that women hate me and they are near-impossible to please.

That's ok. Much better they be happy than I. I'd much rather live my life alone with no female contact. They've already acknowledged the fact that they don't want a damn thing to do with me, I'm ugly, I'm a loser, they ignore me, they hate me, they'd rather I not exist to contaminate their happy lives with my depressing, boring, existential BS, I'm a failure, always was, always will be, I think way too much, don't drink enough, and I'm gonna end up being a bottomed-out goober married to some plain-Jane out of pressure to continue my geneaology... These females aren't physically repulsive like me... so why should a loser like me ruin their happiness?

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks you are boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk In short: So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful... ....WOMEN! This was originally reposted elsewhere by a woman.

He's right... I've pretty much given up on women period. It's not healthy, true, but at least it's helluva lot more realistic than me falling in love and that girl loving me back.

He is quite brilliant, sometimes even more eerie than Orwell. B.t.w, Lovin' the Dave Chapelle avatar.

my bad... I couldn't find it where I posted it. I thought the moderators removed it for some weird reason.

link removed This man is nothing short of ingenious.

Yes, I've looked at history, and since every part of history can be distorted in every which way possible, I don't trust it anymore. Here are a couple quotes that made a lot of sense to me: “History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind.” -Edward Gibbon 18th century British historian, and "Only the winners write history" ... I forgot who that was. If you think I'm such a mean, nasty, cynical little man... fine. But Maynard James Keenan of TooL made an interesting point when he sang in his infamous doomsday song "Aenima" "Don't just call me pessimist... try and read between the lines!" Then again, I'm just a stupid kid... what does my opinion matter? Not to mention the fact that I can't WAIT to open up a wall!!

Actually, since I'm piss-broke myself, I can't even help other people who are in need. If I had the money, I'd help in as many ways as I could. I do have homeless friends who have various hinderances which keeps them from staying off the streets (I know others who do it by choice) and help them out with change wherever I have a dollar or two to spare. There are people worse off than me. I never denied it in the first place. I know people who've seen combat. I know people without arms. I know people who've been thrown here, there, back here again, and end up state-hopping or train-hopping because they have no other choice. Many of my friends were ridiculously addicted to hard drugs at least once or twice in their life, while I could do nothing to get them to listen to me. I could go on all day. I'm tired of using that as an excuse for my own failures and slackerdom. For the record, I don't donate to charities . To me, it seems a lot like recycling; you do it to try and think you're doing good for others or the planet, but I don't know what they're doing with all the recycables. Likewise, I have no idea what they do to people's money when they donate to church or a charity. The only proof I have is the glossed-up media (which uses the "guilt trip" method to try and scare people into coughing up their money to complete strangers who could easily scam you) which also offers no explaination as to where the money you use goes. Just my view. ...How many of you think I could be the anti-christ right about now?

Obviously, you aren't a male. It sucks being a male, because I'm expected to be ruff, tough, and competitive... if I'm not, it makes me look un-masculine and pathetic. It really makes me feel alienated when everyone else is so successful at everything except for stupid ol' me. Yes, people remember the final score, and yes they do use it to make them feel better about themselves. Just look at the world around you: of course it relies on competition!

Hm... perhaps a bit too much porno in your life, buddy?

Yeah, if none of you know already, I lose at just about everything I try. Doesn't matter what it is; sports, guitar duels, video games, arm wrestling, flinch games, board games, chess, what have you. I keep on coming in last place ](*,) . I don't know why either. It sucks. People have told me "Winning or losing doesn't matter. It's playing the game that counts!!" Yeah, easy for them to say, they don't lose nearly as much as I do, or they don't lose at all. I also hear people say "You win some, you lose some!" which is only what winners say anyways... for me it's you lose some, you lose some more, you lose even more, you pull your hair out, you lose even more, and if you've done considerately well even once, nobody notices and nobody cares. As an old Charlie Brown picture I saw puts it... "Whenever you succeed, nobody remembers, whenever you fail, nobody forgets" and boy, how painfully did I relate to that... I live in a competitive country where everyone depends on competition to survive. There are hundreds of examples around America where competition is vital to the success and survival of society; the stock market, job placement, governmental positions, dating, school, media, the music industry, self-defense, protection and prevention of crime... yet I'm a vunerable bag of bones that has never had his share... I'm the puppy that's starving to death because all of the other strong, valuable ones are getting the needed breast milk... with nothing left. I'm the sore thumb that sticks out in any sort of way... essentially, I'm the one whimpering in the corner whose only purpose is to be the PSA subject to tell children to keep on their toes. I've fought and fought to try and stave this reality or a least not lose so much and survive... but nothing I do is working or making a difference in any way. I'm tired of people telling me "You're just complaining... what you get out of life is what you put in! Our great creator never gives anybody more than they can handle... if they can't take it, why should they survive?!" Yeah? Well how do you explain third world countries? What about the "drought" in Ethiopia that has left millions starving and thirsty? What about those suffering in mental institiutions in straight-jackets where their lobotamy strips them of their reasoning ability? How about the innocent civilians in Palestine and Israel who are just victims of the fact that their own leaders can't even live peacefully? What about the homeless people I see in the mall who shout at non-existant terrors while jumbling and stuttering to try and get a single cigarette or some spare change? Obviously, they've been given more than they can handle... yet I know plenty of people who still believe that nobody is given more than they can handle... riiiight. I'm tired of people acting like I never put in any effort or never try my best. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS try 110 percent!! I work my butt off in anything I do... from cleaning, to gaming, to socializing, to driving, to bike riding, to schoolwork, to trying to find a job... and I get nothing in return! I mean, I can try exponentially to master a video game, work at it for weeks, and afterwords, some little 12-year-old nit-wit blows all of my hard work outta the water in a few short seconds. It isn't fair at all... I've lost at just about everything ever since I could attempt to try and test my skills against the crowds... try and prove that I have some sort of human worth... but according to them, I just can't cut it. I've also started giving away the fun things that dull my cares and make me feel neutral and relaxed... I quit smoking pot, I quit smoking cigarettes, I was never an alcoholic, never did any syntesized narcotics of any sort (speed, E, LSD, cocaine, crack, etc.) because I was too much of a coward... afraid that they'll put me over the edge... yet even a super-smashed faded out stone solid idiot can beat me at any card game, video game, street race, bike race, arm-wrestle and all. Do any of you know how insulting to my effort that is? Knowing that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you put in, you lose? It's more than depressing. More than frustrating. More than annoying. It's dehumanizing. Castrating. It burrows in my skin like a tick that is never full... and even if I pull his body out, his head stays attatched like a scab that can't be picked. The most frustrating part about this is the fact I can't be mad at the people who do this to me... why should I? They can't purpousely dumb themselves down to give me the illusion of success... and even if they could, they wouldn't want to. Don't tell me I'm not humble because I am! I show my respect and happiness that somebody else has gotten another piece of the pie... that their efforts have not gone to waste and that others have cared enough to help aide that reality. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, but I just can't seem to fill this empty void in my disgusting burning pit of a stomache. I guess Darwin was right... only the strong can survive to aid the human species in evolution and continue this ongoing plight... I'm sure this "ultimate creator" doesn't care about the ones that suffer and suffer and suffer with no reward or sign of worth; treating them like 2 basketball players eternally playing monkey in the middle with a midget... or maybe the Universe is just a continuing vat of chaos with dust here, galaxies there, astroids there, and good and bad luck in the middle. Perhaps everyone (including yours truly) is just seeing things that aren't there... like all those times certain guys think that the gorgeous girl in their class is showing signs of flirting... yet their friends bring them back to reality telling them it's all a farce... bringing them back to the planet and totally dismantling their faith in a world which they constantly want to believe cares about them despite their shortcomings... only after death will I find any sort of understandable answer. Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm supposed to know I can't win and just sit back and watch the tube. Just flip it to "Pimp my Ride" and vicariously live in a false world that only continues to tell me that I'm useless unless I shut up, get back in line, praise materialism, and take the test so I can ultimately fail. Just like the purpose of a field monster in a role-playing game... only there as a test for the others to pass. Do you think the teacher really wants all of his students to get A's? No, but this teacher puts a clever veil over this fallacy... how many parents would have faith in a teacher that tells them "Your child may not pass this test because we have set up the standards due to the fact that there is a continual existential issue of creating others to be 'useful idiots' for the continuation of our species. So sorry." It's the same thing with the police force! Humanity has an eternal paradox of constantly and simultaneously being told to "Love one another... nobody gets left out!" and "It's time to move on... Jimmy can't hack it, so he'll have to repeat the fifth grade and possibly face constant scrutiny, jeers, and insults from his peers, though it is necesscary for his intellectual well-being." It's like a dog with two trainers being told to "SIT!" and "Roll over!" at the same time... and that's what I see as the human paradox... Sorry about the long post. I've been thinking about these things for too long and needed to let it all out. I've honestly told myself that there is no such thing as over-thinking... but now I'm not so sure...

I've had acne for about 7-8 years and it sucks. I have this so-called "adult acne" too and I can't even pop the pimples just so the pain will stop. I've tried all sorts of face-cleaning products that make the problem worse and everything. It's totally making me depressed and I hate my skin. It sucks that both of my parents have/had oily skin. Even when I cleanse my body, I still get zit after zit after zit after zit... with at least one new one appearing every morning. Not only does it look/feel ugly, it's painful. All I can say is, hang in there, you aren't alone in this struggle.

It's one of the great paradoxes of life, my friend. I, myself, am probably going to be alone for the rest of my life, but hey, if it's more than I can take, I'll probably die in 60 years anyways... that's not THAT long.