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CynicalGuitarist

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Everything posted by CynicalGuitarist

  1. Not only am I dissatisfied with my life, but I also have a very, very, very bad complexion. I frequent acne breakouts and have horribly rough chapped lips. I shower a whole lot more than most of you probably do on top of constantly using acne medication, but it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. I thought it would at least tide a bit by the time I reached 18, but it's remained the same. I still have red, bumpy, oily, itchy skin that hurts almost all the time. Plus, my lips are so dry and chapped, chap stick doesn't even work... in fact, my lips get even more chapped after using it. I can't stand how horribly ugly I am... girls won't even talk to me, so I'm pretty lonely as well. I thought it was bad enough that I have to be so goddamn short, but the bad skin/dry lips are the sewage icing to the 5h!t cake. That's only the surface of my iceberg of problems/setbacks. Thus, I'm planning on killing myself very very soon, seeing as I am Darwin's prototype of a "useful idiot".
  2. Don't get me wrong, but I love music. I really do. I wish I could make music my passion in life, but I had to learn an important life lesson that is never taught in school. In this life, you can't win. You can't. Unless you live under extremely lucky circumstances (prodigies, anyone?), in this life, it is about as impossible to win happiness as it is to win your way into heaven according to the old testament. Sure, you can try, but if you're me, you're going to be called a "washed up loser", be beaten up, and have your spirit crushed. Long ago, there was a way to combat this pessimism... it was called "rock music". It was created circa late 50s, thrived in the 60's, held strong throughout the 70's against disco, the 80's against crappy glossed-over productions (even though there was "hair metal".... blegh), and the 90's against all the BS megalomanic pop artists out there. But since about 1997/98, rock has been on the decline. Bullcrap pop-artists who woulda had their 15 minutes of fame over in earlier years are now thriving while musicians with raw talent are buried under the 5h1t sea which is moden music. Music is now a joke used as a tool to aide/create trends (emo, anybody?) and encourage "pirating" to make sure that decent artists earn only enough to have a bit of studio time. That's on a good day too. It's robbery enough that the record companies make about 90 percent of the profit for every CD sold... now they're putting anti pirating software on CDs, so now they've created a solution to the problem they created. Thus, in this life... I can't win, no matter how hard I try. I've figured out money, prestige, popularity, and those who created all of the above are truly ruling over this society. Day by day, millions of people go off to jobs they hate to buy crap they don't need... so they don't give a crap about any of this draconian control over our lives (the music industry is just the tip of the iceburg) as long as they can make the money. Truly, the RIAA are the Zionists of the musical world (not meant to offend the jewish community and/or come off as anti-semetic). Still looking for a way to end it in a guranteed, painless way. Regardless, thanks for the replies.
  3. Cliche question, but one nagging at my mind all the time. What IS the use, anyways? Me being up there at the top of the "most useless, pathetic, slacker human" list for a long time, is wondering his worth in life. Money dominates everything, there's no room for shy people, social darwinism has run rampant throughout this country (not to mention world), and thus it doesn't take a mathematician or even scientist to know that I would probably be the human sacrifice if ever needed. I think I've finally reached the point of being envious of people who piss and moan about their jobs all day long... because at least they're getting paid. Not even Target will hire me. I would work at a gas station or at a convenience store, but I'm afraid of being killed, hurt, robbed, or all of the above on the job. I'd also be willing to work construction, but my mom is still trying to cradle me in her arms telling me it would be "hard labour on her poor little boy". Oh well, since I'm worthless, why not? She has no idea what she is talking about, yet she is the one that constantly nags that I haven't been "trying hard enough" I've only freakin turned in 11 applications and attempted probably twice as many (but stopped after realizing that all the jobs I can apply for require experience)!!! Ok, so there are people worse off than me.... big help. Would you tell a blind man standing next to a paraplegic that they "could be worse off?" I get that crap all the time and I hate it. The dating world is exactly the same way as the job market, so I've given up on it 100 percent. There is no room for me in the world of music. Every time I try to form a band and create something meaningful (art) that can be observed from many different levels and angles, something screws up. I get some annoying tagalong like my friend who has a really egregious ego, is a pathological liar, small-talker, and pretty much crapped on the nearly 5 years of effort I've put into bending guitar strings. He's riding our coattails and thinks we're nothing without him (he told me "i'm going to make us famous!"). Of course, he has a big mouth (which needs to be sewn shut) and his bass playing is stiff, grooveless, lifeless, and mediocre at best. He's wormed his way into the band I was starting (with little to no permission) and takes over. Oh well, life hardly goes the way I want it. Other times, it just flat out sucks. I'm seriously trying to find a quick, painless, guranteed way to the next afterlife.
  4. What you're talking about is very common. It is only human nature to want what you cant have and want more of what you do have. I would say give some of these "nice guys" a chance... but every time I do, nobody ever listens. Otherwise, you're just gonna havta keep fishing... I guess sorry I couldn'tve been of more help.
  5. lots... but this is not so much wanting nothing bad to ever happen, but wanting to go back in time and change things about me and my environment (though I know with 21st and even 22nd century technology this is impossible)
  6. Yeah, that's right I'm listening to this Led Zeppelin classic at the moment. It's relating as to how I feel right now, as I've been feeling lately. I feel like I don't even know what to do/say/type anymore. It seems like the inevitability of death is always creeping into my mind. I've tried the whole "think positive" gig, but I still have this dark shadow following me everywhere I go; forcing me to over-think and over-analyze to the point where I can't focus on "average" worldly things every other 19 year old is doing. Why me? Why do I have to be the goddamn freak... one of God's illegitimate sons... the insomniac king of lethargy... the hack... the loser... the useless piece of crap... I guess I'm taking a lot of punishment for all the f'd up things other human beings have done (along with many others), but it's not like things'll get better (history repeating itself is pretty much inevitable). While I think about how great it would be for me to die one day and leave my worldly glove until this creator of insanity (whoever and whatever it is) decides to put me in my next form (whatever it is), I can't help but think about how much of my life I've already wasted away. Time seems to drag for me, yet goes by too quickly to prove my value to this world. I hear about all these plans the draconian gestapo elite have to implant the human race with Microchips, make technological items spy on us, start using nuclear wars, make a world govnerment, etc. etc. (these things are in major media especially in the media as of late). I hate myself for learning whatever I have about those kinds of things because it scares me. Especially because I haven't even been able to live one third of my life without threat of the Ozone layer disappearing and being forced to live in a polluted world full of surveilance and totalitarianism... all because people are too busy to look at the "big picture"... I feel even worse (not more "thankful") when thinking about all the children who won't even have a chance at life when the world is pulled under. Me being "thankful" anymore is pretty much outta the question because I seem to be too deeply connected to this "collective unconscious" so many new-agers talk about... I know I know... I just have to "live it up" because a nuclear war could happen tomorrow... but for me, that's about as hard as not thinking about an "elephant". Did anybody else get that? "Pull me under, pull me under, pull me under; I'm not afraid" -Dream Theater
  7. In that case, I'd say the poor guy is missing out. I mean, you're beautiful AND intelligent!? Jeez, you should see how hard it is to find that in somebody around where I live.
  8. "woman as toilets" is a reference to the ol' saying "women are like toilets... all the good ones are taken, and the rest are full of crap" That picture was taken a while ago, and my hair has grown out a bit. It doesn't look AS freakish, but I'd look even more psychotic if I "lost" the hair.
  9. I know I'm not perfect myself, but I am giving when I can be. I actually have homeless friends who I help out with money wherever I can. The truth is, I'm not very wealthy myself. Neither is my mom. I've heard the "be thankful for what you have" gig so many times it isn't even funny. While I agree, if I think that way for too long... I will be stuck with what I have... and that in turn means less I can give to others; even though I think many charities are government shills using guilt trip advertisements to make the "middle class" pay money to the unfortunate of the world just so that the "upper class" can still keep their BMW 7 series and "brookstone" items. This, I believe is why even though things are being done, there are still many, many, many people in the world living in abominably unstable conditions; because there isn't any money in compassion. I know, you all must think I'm some conservative douche by now... oh well, so much for "thinking outside the box".
  10. I don't think I look scary... I'm not "gothic" or whatever and even though I'm not "perfect" to any extent of the imagination, I try to be friendly, kind, and generous as my parents advised me to treat women. lol... me being a musician, of course, has tried this "scene". They are really crappy here in the USA (and California especially). I hate the scene because it's full of elitist douchebags who think they're better than everybody else just because they've been to more shows or like bands nobody has ever heard of. Plus, with the women over there, it's just "women as toilets" all over again...
  11. I think you should take the direct approach. I've tried the "mixed signal" thing myself... and it just doesn't work for me... all it did was make me the human doormat for all my single male "friends" to walk all over me. Now I'm sad, lonely, and scared of admitting my true feelings to a woman because of what they've done to me in the past. Since I don't want anyone else to feel this way, all I can say is do what I never did and just "go for it". If he doesn't like you, then it's his loss. I hate to admit it, but it really is that simple.
  12. Well, my life is useless because I have no way to service society. I'm a spoiled brat that's been given so much yet I can give little in return. It's all my fault, and I have no prestige of any kind. I've tried to stave off my lonliness and talk to girls I'm interested in, but even a simple "hello" causes them to look at me with an "evil eye" like I've just unleashed satan or something. I believe I'm going to be alone because I'm pretty much unloveable and almost neurotic. I've tried turning things around, tried doing good things and thinking positive thoughts and all, but it helps about as much as people telling me "don't worry, it'll happen with time" which is the biggest pile of BS I've ever heard in my life.
  13. Man, if anything, you've won CynicalGuitarist's golden Pick (haha bad joke) for "post of the day". Just hang in there bro; if enough people in this world hear about our misery and lonliness by showing them we're not gonna take it anymore, then all of us who've never been given a chance will be seen in a different light. Heck, resistance is the only way change is ever made and freedom is ever kept.
  14. I keep trying to empower myself. I keep telling myself that I don't wanna bother with anyone right now because I've already screwed up enough in life to hold me back for a while. I look at all of my friends going through breakups and crap and try to tell myself that at least that isn't happening to me. I try to play guitar, hacky sack, reading, anything besides the thought of loving somebody to occupy my useless life, but it doesn't work. Nothing works. This blows. Seriously, I have trouble sleeping at night because I feel so lonely and unloved. I can't sleep til about 4-5 A.M. because of it. I wish my beautiful guitar can help me with this, but not even she can help me now. I'm on a downward spiral, and am most likely going to be alone for the rest of my life. Every single attempted relationship I've ever had has ended in heartbreak. Stupid friking women won't even give me a chance. Oh well... apparently someone was meant to be alone. Otherwise, we would have a huge, massive worldwide orgy big enough to rival any sex mentioned in Brave New World, divorce rates would skyrocket, and prostitution would be one of the biggest entrepeneurships in the world. I wonder, though, why I had to be one of the army men that God got for Christmas ('tis the season) only to be used with the firecrackers he's been saving since the fourth of July. Oh well, another lonely night, another lonely year, another lonely Christmas, another lonely fool. I know I'm "whining" and I'm a "shallow pig", but oh well, better to let it out than live in denial. As my post signature says...
  15. Why? Because some people just aren't thankful for what they have. Most guys are like that. There are a few out there that aren't, but most of them are in hiding because of ungreatful swine that make the whole rest of us look like dogs. Oh well, that's life for ya.
  16. thanks for the positive feedback... it helps, it really does. I don't use a special, expensive guitar at all; just a simple Epiphone (with fret buzz at the e string, 13th fret) that I got for my 14th birthday. The martin marquis strings help the tone a bit though. Oh yeah, and I'm gonna post an actual song where I sing soon.
  17. I dunno what to say... thank you for your kind words. It's fascinated listeners that make me want to keep playing. btw, I have a new song, capitalizing on the "shred" trend of late, but done my way with an acoustic guitar lol.
  18. haha thanks, but it was no composition; all improv.
  19. link removed there's one song available to listen to and download. It's basically me dueling myself on guitar. I know it sounds jenky and unprofessional, but keep in mind I made this using Sound Recorder *only allows 60 seconds of recording at a time* and played both tracks with my fingers only. I hope you all enjoy.
  20. Ok, here's some of my words, but it's probably gonna be a pretty crappy poem. Regardless, here goes; Backtrack To the abyss To the heavens To the womb of security which created me Ending in fire Ending in ice back to sprawled possibilities No more selfish love No more selfless hate No more ego to defend Nothing left to stand for I am one as one is me. infinite. forever free to spiral until I've been gloved again free to live the confides of life Back to where I was numb Unconsciousness - the seed of feeling as one Sedated - knowing no better or worse No more, no less Half-empty, half-full balanced in perpetual enlightenment yet still unfree to spin the spiral only to be brought back to the same predicament again Back to where I was or where I previously had been; seeking the glimpse of hope or where probabilities end. perhaps it was, "to there, and back again?"
  21. Well, I can't go any lower (no wait, there's the shovel). I'm really thinking about ending it all because I'm a useless piece of crap who can never make a difference in anybody's life. I'm a lethargic, useless, A.D.D to the max, anxiety-ridden, ugly- * * * douche with no talents or aspirations. I'm the most useless human being in the world because I have no money, job, or vital purpose. Hell, I've reached the point where I think I've gone chronically insane. Regardless, I think the world would be a helluva lot better without me. I see all these people my age and younger doing great things for society. They're all leading great, meaningful, productive lives... while I can't even get a goddamn retail job. Because of my A.D.D and anxiety, I perform poorly in school and have trouble sleeping. It won't stop. This has been an ongoing problem for years and it's quite possible that I will remain disconnected from everybody and everything for a very very long time. I'm such an impulsive idiot that I don't even have enough money to pay off my car insurance. Not that driving is helping my social life because many people still hate me anyways. I hate this society. No, seriously, I do. I hate the way things are run. I wish I never was born into this P.O.S existence in the first place anyways. Why does society hate me so much? Why can't I get a job (no surprise there, seeing that they treat 18 year olds that have never been employed as bad as the only male virgin at a party). I'm probably going to be stuck doing fast food for a very long time and it's gonna make me even more absurd and useless than I already am. Why can't I "get over" my super A.D.D ways? Why is it that I've abused whats been given to me and totally lived as a leech for so long? Nevertheless, this world doesn't need me. I'm about as useful as a blowtorch in a housefire. I just want to die. I just want to be with my pops and my friend (who committed himself) again. I'm tired of hearing all this bullcrap "anti-suicide" propaganda. I mean, I really don't want others to kill themselves, but then again I also don't want them to be manic-depressive miserable complainers either. Personally, I think the only reasons they have all those "anti-suicide" adds out there is for practical economic reasons. After spending nearly 2 decades raising you, feeding you, giving you education, and all that jazz, they expect many more years of labour from you in return. If you end it early, the men in the bank have been cheated out of that fat paycheck they expected from you and the many generations they expect from you. I hate my bohemian * * *. I have no ability to create any real art because of my inattentive nature. Because of my low I.Q, I serve no purpose to live other than societal cannon fodder. Because of my weak, frail physique, the military would have no use for me other than "useful idiot". Because of my lack of guitar skill, I can't make money off music. I am generally the most useless thing to ever come outta my mom's womb (yeah, that's right, I'm a C-section baby) and I hate feeling like I'm leeching off of everybody. I hate myself and my life. I just want to press the "reset" button, but I also know I have no ability to do so. I do, however, have the butt-crack of hope that I'll go somewhere. I have a meager few things that make me wake up each morning (or was it afternoon? or late afternoon?) and that's the most selfless thing I have to offer: hope. That's right, for some lame, sympathetic, wussy reason, I still have a slight bit of hope that I'll make something outta myself. I've been turned down by at least 11 companies I've applied for and have been rejected by every single woman, but for some god-forsaken reason, despite all the unfinished things in my life and leeching and other craps, I still, undeservingly, choose to wake up. At the same time, I romanticise jumping off a bridge into the icy cold Sacramento river and let the pnemonia wash over my body into the next form the existential forces (random or otherwise) have chosen for me. I romanticise death and finally feeling relaxed and neutral for once. Ah, doesn't the human race love paradoxes? Go ahead, tell me "you need jesus" tell me "it's not as bad as it seems" tell me "you must be on dope!" tell me "quit yer goddamn whining because everything is your fault", because that'll just make me romanticise more. Thoughts on life.
  22. Yeah, public school does suck, doesn't it? I used to miss school every day to go smoke pot with my few friends. I didn't go because I kept getting made fun of by this toss-pot who said I looked like Gollum. I don't think you're whining at all... my life isn't too hot at the moment either. I haven't had a cocaine addiction, never tried it, but I was notoriously addicted to Marijuana at one point in my life. I didn't do much, but since I've gone cold turkey (about 3 months) my life has just been a big pile. I'm failing my classes in college because I hate it, and this disappoints my mother due to the fact I'm not even a high school grad (but with a GED) and I have no work experience. I feel like an idiot for going to college after I got my GED instead of looking for a job. School, to me, is just a waste of time. I recently lost one of my best friends (known him since 4th grade) and none of his other friends seem to give half a * * * * about the pain I'm going through and seem to isolate me anyways. It's also hard for me to go anywhere witout being harassed by gang-bangers; a pal and I got robbed recently and I nearly got my wallet stolen. So yeah... I'm not trying to dump my problems on you, but I've noticed that it helps a situation to find others to relate to. Don't know why, but it does. It also helps to have someone to love... too bad I gave up on love after many heartbreaks and other crap situations. Don't end up like me and be senile towards it at an early age. Anyways, stay in there man... and remember "If you are going through hell, keep going" -Winston Churchill. For what it's worth, I think you're intelligent and have got a lot of potential.
  23. I can relate to the virgin thing; I'm an 18 year old virgin and many of my friends have thought I was a flamer. I don't even have a job or job experience. There's nothing wrong with being alone. At least you have the strength for it, unlike me. That's something I admire.
  24. Hey, at least be glad you're bright. I'm stuck in a stupid junior college and school is hell for me because i'm A.D.D. and a moron. And wouldn't you know it; I'm failing miserably. At least you have a more obtainable dream than I do. I'm an aspiring musician with writers block. I stopped going to school because of my friends situation; one of my best friends committed suicide, I recently fell in love to be let down horribly (losing another one of my best friends) and it really hurts. Sorry I can't give you any magical advice or words of wisdom, but I can, on some parts, relate to your situation. Just remember, pain is more bearable by talking to someone who can relate... I guess.
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