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Everything posted by CynicalGuitarist

  1. Here's a recent myspace blog I wrote: It's an even more difficult task than most people think. While I see almost everyone around me connected to eachother, I see myself... the nail sticking out... the spider in the snow... trying to convince myself that I may not like this... but it was meant to be. Connection cannot exist without lonliness... so I guess I was chosen to be the cold fish to balance out all the warm, mushy cute stuff couples frequent. Only the truly lonely can know what I speaketh of. It was so difficult to accept... I didn't want to be "different" in that respect. Like a spoiled kid trying to come to terms with the fact that Santa Claus doesn't exist... I, at first, went through that logical stage of denial. I thought, naively, that there would be someone out there for me... yet day by day... time snails through and that ends up sounding as asinine and sugar-coated as what my family and friends always tried saying to make me feel better... "You're not ugly!" "Don't listen to what they say... you're cool!" "You are so smart" or "You are so handsome!" please... stop. While I understand why you are lying to me, it doesn't help. As a friend of mine (who is as lonely as I, and wise beyond his years) cleverly put it "lies don't solve anything unless you are the federal government". Anyways... it's been tough, miserable, and almost more than I can bear... but I'm starting to become more accustomed to my lonliness... after all, I've got no time for any love. I'm trying to start a band and attempt to find success in the only area I don't completely suck at. I also don't want to skrew this semester of school up, because at the rate I'm going right now, I'll likely be stuck at home until I'm 26... if I'm not booted out on the streets before then... But hey. It's all my fault. Why should I complain? That's life. It's good for few, fantastic for even fewer, mediocre for most, and very crappy for the rest. "Women are like toilets. Most of the good ones are taken, most of the rest are full of crap, and you aren't the only one that needs one." -A twist on an old saying
  2. Failed Intellectual? Try being a failed musician... people all over ridicule me in any way possible because of this. They think I'm "crazy" for wanting to play Jazz or whatever *I know I really really suck at it* but it's really all I live for. I don't even have a job, and I've tried about 20 places in the past 4-5 months... no luck. I sometimes think there's a conspiracy against me... they know who I am, my ambitions, and they don't want me to escape from this prison because of what I'll say against "the system" if my music were to become noticed in some way. At least you go to a Uni too... I'm stuck in community college for all the times I !@#$ed up in high school and will likely be stuck living at home until I'm 26; thus I be humiliated and have no social life because of it. Life is beautiful, innit?
  3. I'm pretty sure he chose to be short... because you ladies seem to think that us guys who are consciously/subconsciously choose to be.
  4. I think it can be quite the opposite most of the time. When I see someone I like, I end up losing control of myself, thus I end up doing that as a natural defense mechanism because I fear rejection. That's the case with me, but I don't really know about the rest of the guys out there...
  5. do you have good ESP or what? no I didn't graduate. I went one year, tried alternative schooling, and ended up passing my GED with "flying colors" (I don't think so, but that's what my mom told me.
  6. I know exactly how it feels. I recently lost a friend too. PM me if you need any support or anything.
  7. Blegh... no offense, but Jet... blegh. They're like AC DC trying to sing indie rock... and I find AC DC highly overrated in the first place. That's ironic how you say that... because it seems that the only way to become successful in music anymore is to succumb to the will of the zionist masters (RIAA) who will rape your creative ability until the music is very much the opposite of "groundbreaking" and "edgy"... Unless, that is, you're in the band "Tool" or "Dredg".
  8. Yeah, men talk like that alot when not in the presense of any women. I liked how it presented its message in kind of a south park-esque way... sometimes I felt "mm... should i REALLY be laughing at this?" because it's so damn true. Whoever wrote that film must've been a virgin for a long time... or made fun and stereotyped them back in hell school... er high school.
  9. Here are a few reasons why I likely won't live very long: -They say "lonely men die earlier"... well since I'm the epitome of lonliness when it comes to inter-gender relationships, it won't be long now. -I have a terrible diet. As a kid, my mom force-fed my brother and I vegan/health food. Thus, now I have a terrible diet as a reactionary... and out of apathy; because health food and eating "right" makes no difference me feel no better... in fact, it makes me more mentally awake... realizing that I'm a terrible person and do more bad than good. -I'm worse at what I do best. I just realized I'm a terrible guitarist... and since that's the only thing I am and ever was most skilled at, there's no way I'll ever earn enough income to satisfy my needs... much less a woman's needs. Not to mention I seem to have permanent writers block. -Nobody even helps with my depression or mood problems. I've seen psychiatrists, therapists, and whatnot, and none of them have done any good for me. Not to mention the only medication (marijuana) that's really done any good for me is out of the question now... I may lose my mind and stick the knife sideway in my neck at any time. -I'm really, really unattractive and have terrible skin. Thus, I am one of the least-appealing men on this planet, thus leading up to most of my problems in the spiritual and mental realm. Because of this, I've tried hard with exercising, and toning my muscles... but I still look like a puny little boy. I hate me. I seriously hope there is some sort of afterlife... because that's the only thing I'm really living for. I could only live to live again... otherwise death is the only reality and life is just a joke.
  10. Well, I've seen "the 40 year old virgin" twice... and I must say it's great. It really grew on me. Not because I like to laugh at others miseries, but (probably unknowingly) this film shows everything wrong with America. All in one picture. I guess it may just be the fact that I can relate with the main character on so many different levels, but can anyone else relate? If you haven't seen it, or hated it, I recommend looking at it in a different light (like I did)... Just a thought.
  11. I don't mean to be rude... but... Do you know me personally? Do you know what goes through my mind every single day? Do you know how it feels being a 5'4 19-year-old whose never had a job or a girlfriend and is a misfit (possibly bi-polar too) because of it? Do you know how it feels to still be called "midget"? Do you know how it feels to be harassed by gang bangers? Do you know how it feels to lose at everything you do and get made fun of for it? Do you know how it feels to be inquired about impossible crap and belittled for it when you don't know the answer? Do you know how it feels when nobody takes you seriously and almost everybody ignores you, especially women (and they wonder why I'm so god-damned angry at them)? Do you know how it feels to lose a best friend to suicide and live with the guilt realizing that you could've treated him better? Do you know how it feels to have people try to cheer you up by saying "I know how you feel... you could have it a lot worse, you spoiled brat!" (which actually makes me wanna kill myself even more)? Do you know how it feels to be the antisocial black sheep of the family? Do you know how it feels to be 19, yet everyone in your family treats you like a 12-year-old? Do you know how it feels to have all this pent-up energy that can't even be rid of by biking over 30 miles a day? Do you know how it feels to have mass amounts of lethargy when you aren't hyperactive? Do you know how it feels to have a constant tempt to wanna smoke pot again... but you can't because a. it doesn't affect you anymore and b. you'll fail a drug test because you are desperately trying to find a job? Do you have extreme trouble sleeping (and even bouts of insomnia) because you have 234672473456345 different thoughts going through your head at night? Point is, nobody knows what it's like to be me. Nobody's ever worn my shoes but me. So, you saying my problem is "null" because I created it is only half-right. Thanks for your concern though. (didn't mean to be rude, I'm off to a bad start this year and another one of my buddies is goin' to the ol army soon...)
  12. What kind of music do I play? Well, all kinds... but you might wanna check out my pure volume page at link removed btw... love the Yes quote... They are teh rock.
  13. fear seems to control many musicians. It's been happening for at least the past year... Nobody seems to want to create Jazz/Rock fusion... it's all this emo/pop/rock stuff that's polluting the airwaves and making it harder for those with TALENT to be noticed.
  14. Nobody seems to care about "creativity" ever since the corporate... *insert an obscenity here* at MTV and other media outlets have deliberately and purposefully killed off rock and roll in as many ways possible as they could... there's no way I can live trying to find a band... all they care about is "SHUT UP AND BUY. CREATIVITY IS STUPID!! QUIET THAT RIGHT BRAIN THERE DAMMIT!!" it seems like life is just about money and getting laid. I'm involved in neither. On top of that, I'm a terrible mathematician and have never had a job before. I hate the world, and myself. I wish I didn't have a right-brain. I wish I could've stopped that guitar playing and became a mathematician.
  15. But a question of "when"... I've looked at this past year (which sucked, btw) and I look at how far I've been set back. I hate my life. It's useless and stupid. I'm not going anywhere, I've thrown my future away, have no job or hope of survival, so what's the point? I can't talk to anybody about this because almost all of them are fundamentalist christians or ardent atheists who will "try and make me feel better"... I don't want to feel better... I just want to DIE. There's no way I can have any success because I am the most pathetic man alive. I'm a shallow, careless, selfish person, and this is my predicament... It's not a question of "if" anymore... but a question of "when". When am I going to lose control of my mind? When will the suicidal beast that wants out of this shell be released? When will the depression fits and apathy end? Only death can cure me now. So pass this on to the children of America... and the world: the national Japanese saying "The nail that sticks out is the first one to be hammered"... and boy did I learn that the hard way. Trying to maintain control.
  16. Quite simply... Don't screw up. If I do so this year, next year, I kill myself.
  17. I'm sorry about your situation. I can really, really relate... at least you got to try university... I'm stuck in community colleges for at least another 2 years and am probably gonna live at home until I'm 26 because I can't find a job... Hang in there... and I know this might not help... but at least you aren't me.
  18. I can relate in a few ways. I've been suffering from depression for a while, myself. Well, at least be glad you have a bright future, because I !@#$ed up in school, have no job or job experience, no relationship, no money, just my guitar. I now spend my time trying to tell kids not to end up like me. I always seem to catch myself thinking about jumping off a really high place, slitting my throat, or hanging myself. In fact, I keep having re-occurring dreams of falling (sometimes I don't see anything, but I feel myself falling) and apocalyptic dreams (oddly enough, based on "revalations" in the bible) of the world coming to an end. I have the schizophrenic thoughts of ending my own life while knowing I could never muster up the courage to do so. All I can say is, keep living. Try a new hobby or something. Just keep working to tide off this depression, or you'll end up a hopeless loser like me, which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
  19. dude... go for it. She seems to have at least some sort of interest in you, so what's the point of spending time trying to "read signals"? That, my friend, was a fatal error I made when I tried to get the attention of girls I like. Trust me, you don't wanna make my mistakes... so just do it!
  20. Yeah, it's pretty much impossible to change her sexual preference... sorry bout it though. There are a lot of gals I would want to be with if they weren't lesbian.
  21. Yeah, one tip; be prepared for the whooping of a lifetime courtesy of her boyfriend.
  22. I feel like the most irresponsible person in the world. Why? Because I missed my dentist appointment. Why? Because I woke up 15 minutes after I was supposed to show up. I know it may not matter to you, but it's just one prime example of how stupid and irresponsible I really am. Not only that, but it also shows how big of a deal insomnia really is (truth is, my mom doesn't believe it exists and that it's my own fault that I can't sleep). Truth is, I really don't like being me. If you have any younger siblings/nieces/nephews/children/grandchildren or whatever, tell them to never turn out like me (if you don't know "me", feel free to read my posts). I'm turning 19 in 2 days... I hope 19 isn't as bad as the previous 7 years of my life.
  23. I'm mostly white, but my dad was mostly philipino/portuguese... i wonder if that has anything to do with it?
  24. been to that gig before... but for me to find someone like that... I dunno, I might as well turn gay or something (which I'm not gonna do)... Oh, and for the record, I've tried using products with 10% Benzoyl Peroxide... makes my skin worse.
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