CynicalGuitarist

Now you've given me less to live about and more to be depressed about. Thank you for that tired rhetoric; I really needed it.

It's been nice knowing all of you. Thank you for trying to help me with my problems, but I'm too far gone. I'm too sick and too pathetic to live; I'm hitting myself harder than I've ever done, so I know I'm gonna commit suicide too.

It's been a pleasure, but I just can't lie to myself anymore.

Goodbye.

Aren't there more constructive ways to 'discipline' yourself? What will hitting yourself do for you except leave you bruised for a while? Why aren't you training for a marathon? Then in the end you will have something to be proud of. I can assure you it will hurt too, but with a good training schedule that is just part of the process of developing a good condition for running. Honestly, I can't see why you find pleasure in this while there are alternatives that could turn you into a more confident person. You seem to choose for something that breaks you down even further, and that worries me.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

Running a marathon?

Thought about it, but then reality bit me badly because I cramp up really badly when I run... I can only bike.

Cynical,

Shouldn't your face be bruised up already because of your Valentine day "punch in the face" fest?How about taking a break?

Actually, all that I really had time for over the past 2 weeks was a nasty bruise near my right temple where I hit a vein with my PS2 controller for being stupid.

Who else gets a rush at hitting themselves? It's something I absolutely LOVE to do to punish myself for being a screw-up.

video games arent that big of a deal and wont make problems go away. Theyre just a distraction and time waster like anything else. Video games are no different than watching a movie or reading a book. Its a leisure activity and temporary escape from life's problems, but playing video games isnt going to make you any happier with your life.

Tell that to the lucky ones that make a living off pressin' them buttons.

LOL

and where is the internet going to get you?

I've measured it... and the "hit or miss" probability ratio for becoming a successful musician or a successful webmaster... 'bout the same.

I'd prefer to have a real skill....like guitar or something in multiple dimensions.

I play guitar as frequently as I can... and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere.

Even the mindless ones with no point other than to kill/blow up your opponent? They don't take much concentration or interest.

yeah, and it's only gotten worse because you have the elitist (insert explitive here)s on the 'net who thwart your virtual reality to suckage just because (to the elitists of the world) it feels better to belittle those who aren't as good as you.

Social darwinism is rampant in the world, and is one of the most depressing theories ever.

Then become one.

 

If you envy someone, and can do so, emulate their qualities then.

I would, but because I have really bad ADD and bi-polar tendencies... I'm terrible at video games.

At least they're happy with their own virtual-reality AI-enhanced world. They have that ability to escape and feel success elsewhere. Both my real world and my virtual reality sucks and have no success whatsoever.

*yes, this is a rant. you don't have to read it, so if it wastes your time, tough. I'm exercising my 1st amendment right which is also being torn to pieces by politicians and businesspeople who value themselves more than those they hurt.*

I'm right back to where I started. It sucks. Yeah, things in my life kind of stopped sucking for about a couple weeks, but now they're just back to hell. I'm taking medication that doesn't work at all, and the only medication that's ever helped me feel better and tide my depression (marijuana) is illegal, so I'm trying to face this hypocrisy and other things in my life with a straight face, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't please anyone by faking the fact that I'm completely OK with losing my ability to type quickly and percisely, dealing with my temporary bits of amnesia, having extreme difficulty sleeping, being alone all the time, being hoodwinked by people, being spit on, beat up, insulted, and harassed.

I'm sick of the lies. I hear them every day. Everybody has lied to me, conscious of it or not. I'm sick of being lied to all the time. It's very, very annoying to deal with. Most of these liars don't really do it to insult me, though; they end up doing it just to try and make me feel "better". Well, if that's the case, don't do it, cause it's damn near impossible to do! Spare me the delusion of grandure, please, even if that means I'm one step closer to the edge. I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of pretending like it doesn't bother me. I'm tired of God bullying me around all the time like a punching bag... didn't it have enough fun during the time it decided to create me?

Apparently, I know someone's gonna read this and say some mundane, charital sound-bite about how we should be "thankful" for what we have... well, you're doing nothing but whipping a circus elephant with a broken leg! I've heard it all "you should be thankful to have it so fortunate!" "other people in other countries have it a lot worse!" "you are such a selfish person for wanting to off yourself!" "depression doesn't exist, you're just making excuses! it's all in your head!" well, thanks for giving me more to be depressed about, so PLEASE, spare me! I think people who preach these things like it's the frickin New Testament are morons; they're just as bad as the thankless only from a different angle.

I don't think I need to touch on how there's no market for a loser guy like me with nothing noteworthy and a host of ADHD and possibly bi-polar problems. Girls have always been repulsed by me (except for the ones I want nothing to do with, and for good reason), thus I've given up completely on dating, relationships, marriage, having a family of my own, and such. Oh well, I'm going to the sperm bank in a few years.

I've learned something important, though. That peoples problems seem to be inter-connected. The lonely, the cheating husband, the disgruntled virgin, the bullies, the bullied, the gang-bangers, the corrupt and/or apathetic police officers, the poor and hungry living in ethiopia, the secretive Bilderbergers, the billionares who are afraid of being exploited, the locks that keep us safe, the guns that supposedly protect us, the school-shooter, the unsatisfied wife, the millions and millions of Americans suffering (amongst others), and our own failures and unhappiness are all symptoms of the same cause. I don't really know what this cause is, and nobody will probably ever know... but that's a rant for another day.

I hear the world's going to end on my birthday in 2012. I hope it does, I sure would like a vacation that I can actually afford.

Dude, I'm in the same boat as you are--minus the tree--I just have my guitar

Interesting symbolism. I guess that means you've just got the wood stump & wires as well as I do.

I know exactly how you feel. That's kind of my tragic "love life" right there.

It's one of the main reasons I wanna play the lead role in a romance movie.

Regardless, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one walking on such a thin wire.

I shall endeavor to tell myself that I am shiny and golden. Though that analogy seems more akin to chocolate in a foil wrapper. Bah! But hey, do guess what I'm eating to feel better?

Ice cream?

Yo, bro.

Don't feel bad about feeling bad. It's a part of life. I know how it is to hate yourself.

I know how it feels to build up a cathedral of positivity only to have it crushed by the nay-sayers. It can really drain the hell out've you. That's what happens to me often. Thus, I spend my time expecting the worse so if tish sucks, it won't be all that much of a shock.

I don't work, so I, personally don't have a whole lot of money to do the things I want in life. All I do with my life is go to school, sit at home on the computer, watch Family Guy, and play guitar & yell at videogames. Finding a job is a difficult (if not impossible for me) task because of the fact that I'm a short, ugly idiot with bi-polar tendecies.

It really is easy to give in to all the crapbags that people throw at you, but I think, due to the fact that there are so many people on earth that are unhappy with themselves, that there's some sort of social revolution that's gonna happen and all of us "losers" (to the jerk terminology) are finally gonna be able to pry ourselves off the ground and not take anymore tish. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking. Maybe I've seen "The Matrix" too many times in my life.

Anyways, thanks for sharing. Expressing yourself is definitely a lot better than bottling everything up (which is what I did for a long time). I wish for things to get better for ya.

Here are some amazing songs I can relate to. For one, waiting by Porcupine Tree:

Waiting... to be born again

Wanting... the saddest kind of pain

Waiting for the day when I will crawl away

Nothing is what I feel

Waiting... for the drugs to make it real

Waiting... for the day when I will crawl away

Waiting... to be disciplined

Aching... for your nails accross my skin

Waiting... for the day when I will crawl away

and Alice in Chain's "Them Bones" has gotta be my favorite anti-Valentines day song ever.

I Believe Them Bones Are Me

Some Say We're Born Into The Grave

I Feel So Alone

Gonna End Up A Big Ole Pile A Them Bones

Dust Rise Right On Over My Time

Empty Fossil Of The New Scene

I Feel So Alone

Gonna End Up A Big Ole Pile A Them Bones

Toll Due Bad Dream Come True

I Lie Dead Gone Under Red Sky

I Feel So Alone

Gonna End Up A Big Ole Pile A Them Bones

Plus, I'm gonna unleash a cacophony of heavy metal in my system today and shred my guitar loudly so the world can hear how much this day sucks my John Hancock.

About 5 years ago I quit complaining about Valentines day and just stopped celebrating it all together, and stopped believing in it. Much the same way some of the religious groups don't celebrate christmas. Its very liberating. I don't even think about it when it comes up. Sometimes i laugh at all the poor suckers who either a) fall for the crass commercialism of this holiday, or b) get all miserable because they don't have someone to celebrate it with. If you REALLY want to celebrate this - go out with your friends and have a girls night out. Besides, this year its on a Wednesday. Whos really gonna be doing anything. what with work the next day and things going on, just treat it like a typical wednesday.

uh... I'm a guy.

What's canoodling? I don't know what it means, but I already don't like it based on your context.

 

I forgot this when I'd made my earlier post. I had dinner at my favorite upscale bar-cafe-coffee-club tonight. They had this poster on the wall about couples night on Valentines Day. Only couples can get in that night and the theme will be mushy Valentines Day crap with candles and all.

 

Apparently, I'll have to go to a less classy bar to be able to gain admittance as a singler person on Valentines Day. I'm really getting p'd off with this holiday!

2. canoodling

1. any form of sexual activity ex: flirting, sex, making out, cuddling, hugging, kissing, and many more...

from link removed

Man, couples ONLY. bummer.

Valentines day is my favorite day to get high (not necesscarily 4:20) but I can't smoke pot or buy alcohol for that matter

CynicalGuitarist

 

"I'm going to spend all day inside my house punching myself in the face and throat as hard as I can because I hate it...

 

Ouch!! Do you really have to do this? and isidore,you want to do the same thing to yourself.

I get a rush from doing this... it feels really good to me.

Oh my god... valentines day is THE worst hallmark holiday EVER. I HATE it with every ounce of blood within me (besides the bit of candy my mom leaves for me, and I go out and eat more and end up getting really sick) because of all the mushy frikin pish-posh. I'm going to spend all day inside my house punching myself in the face and throat as hard as I can because I hate it... I HATE valentine's day so much that it makes me wanna scream! Just what I need... more reminders of my own lonliness... You all can go ahead and play that "get well" card on me like my mom does; tell me "it's not as bad as you think." or "don't worry, there are lots of guys out there like you" or "it just takes time, don't worry about what they say, you're cool!" While I thank those who say such things from the bottom of my heart, as much as I do and as greatful I am... I'm pissed at them for lying to me. It angers me. Lying how? Let me explain.

My friend wrote something extremely relevent in one of his blogs. Here's the gist of it; you would never tell your wife/girlfriend that she looks fat in that dress, her nose looks funny, the woman sitting over there is much prettier, or whatnot. That's a one-way non-stop guranteed trip to no sex, sleepin' on the sofa, or if she's impulsive and emotional, sleepin' in a cheap motel. So, you (deliberately or not) lie to her, and tell her what she wants to hear. While lying can be practical or even necesscary in some cases, some delusion of grandeur and optimism may come over them and once the inevitability of truth is in plain sight, it's a leading stalwart of taking it over the deep end.

All the people throughout my years in school (and even afterwords) who harass me, tease me, call me names, threaten me, beat me up, and steal from me unfortunately had a hint of truth to their poisonous words and actions. Even though I've subconsciously known the following to be true since age 12 or 13, these people aided me in learning the following;

I'm ugly

I'm stupid

I'm full of myself

I'm annoying

I'm puny and weak

I belong in an insane assylum

I'm nothing but an erotomanic weirdo

I have the reverse miadis touch

I'm creepily delusional

I have bipolar episodes where I can't control myself and do some strange/retarded things and that's a huge turn-off

I tell myself "SCREW YOU, I HATE YOU!" to the mirror on a regular basis. I've tried the meds, and they're not working at all. In fact, I enjoy punching myself as hard as I can in the face and neck... I get a rush from it. I can't sleep at all at night... I couldn't fall asleep until about 10 AM this morning and woke up at 4:30. Ever since I quit the pot a few months ago, everything's just been crashing down like a plane which's engines became defective in midair.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MARIJUANA IN AMERICA!!

"I feel so alone, gonna end up a big a big ol' pile of them bones." -Alice In Chains

who is going to pick on you at 19 working in a fast food industry?!?! how do you even know.. why not try it out first and then see..and if someone makes a comment about job then screw 'em!!

 

it sounds to me like YO have that attitude ( about being in the fast food industry!)

 

but what skills and qualifications do you have that you think you should get any better and at only 19?!?!

 

sorry, but thats where 19 year olds should be working if they dont' have any qualifications

 

 

You may not like it but thats just one of the facts of life! No one adores working in macdonalds... you worry about what the girls will say if you work there.. but what will they say if you dont' even have a job?

Who's gonna pick on me? You'd be surprised. People are extremely judgemental where I live. Like I said, I'd move, but I have no ability to do so right now.

Working at McDucks is like not having a job in the first place, unless your 16 or so. So, them girls really won't care either way.

You folks don't even know me and say I have an "attitude problem". Now I'm not so surprised about people being so cruel to me... all people are subconsciously prejudiced in one way or another.

If I'm stuck with no better for a long time, I'm committing suicide by slitting my throat with one of my Cutco knives.

You've got it twisted, homeboy/homegirl.

I'd commit suicide if I had to work fast food because all the jerks will constantly pick on me and girls will refuse to go out with me because a job like that is "humiliating" and shows "stupidity". I can't even get a job waiting tables... me getting a waiting job would be like a lowly office drone getting a managers job after 1 year with the company. I can't even get a job at Target and I've tried TWICE already.

I don't know if you live in America, but this is not land of the free. There is no damn "equality" here. This is the land of enslavement by elitism. Half the people here are suffering from depression, including myself. The drug industry (mostly with it's placebo perscriptions of anti-depressants that don't work in the first place) is known as one of the (if not the) highest paid industry here. And here, money is king. No wait, money is God. Thus, it's easy to manipulate others, and when one expresses himself by challenging the ideas that this "great land of the free" (not at job interviews of when asking for an application though), that's against their agenda. I know this sounds a little far-fetched, but I think there's gotta be some sort of conspiracy against me and others who are challenging free thought". You can go ahead and call me a "wacko", but if you don't like me for saying this, tough, because that's the only "me" there is.

"Go back to bed, America! You are free to do as we tell you!! You are free to do as we tell you!!" - Bill Hicks

I can't get a job either. I'm been stuck working as a waiter for my parents for the past 4 years and I've been trying to get out of it for years but no one will give me an f'in job in retail.

My friend, consider yourself blessed... at least your parents work at a restauraunt... try getting another waiting job elsewhere? It might help you take that next step

CG,

 

First jobs aren't humilating, they're a first step. You could walk down to a construction site and work as a laborer. Do you ever eat fast food? Somebody has to make it.

 

My first jobs were as a laborer and concrete finisher. No status at all.

If only you knew how cruel people around where I live really are, they are very quick to judge and scrutinize about things like this. I'd move away, but I don't have enough financial security. I have trustfund and metlife money, but I'm hardly allowed to touch a cent of it without my mom's consent.

I'd work construction, but my mom won't allow me to because she thinks of me as a total weakling, and doesn't want her "poor little boy to get hurt". She'd rather I work a job like fast food so I can have a "normal" income; doesn't matter how many people pick on me for having a job like that. I'd work for a CD shop, but they've literally left town. I'd have to work at "Best Buy", and you probably need at least 3 jobs for THAT.

I've wasted so much of my life playing guitar, and now I have to deal with THIS. The only guitar retail stores are COMMISSION ONLY or family owned and operated!!! Plus, I suck, so I can't be qualified to "teach" anyways.

Believe me, I am extremely positive and enthusiastic when I go look for applications, but still, no luck. Not even a flippin' interview.

America cheeses me off. I'm gonna move away from here the first chance I get (and no, that doesn't mean joining the armed forces, that'd be the same as committing suicide).

I hate employers so much. I hate seeing how so many people around me have to barely lift a finger for their first job, and I can't even get THAT. I've tried so many applications, and those corporate slime STILL won't hire me. This puts my mom into a schema that I don't WANT to work... now she wants me to go to fast food and work there... but if I do that, I'll be humiliated to the point where I'll commit suicide. This blows. "Fair and Equal employment" my hind. What a lie. This convinces me that 1984 really IS happening in this society; that's a clear-cut example of newspeak, and it's GREAT for weeding out the bad seed and ridding of the smelling salts. Fair and Equal only to those who have had at least 2 jobs or knows someone in the company, that's what. Who cares if what I say is "negative" and "you musn't talk about those things, only think happy thoughts blah blah blah" WELL EASY FOR YOU SPOILED IGNORAMUSES TO SAY, BECAUSE YOU CAN AT LEAST GET EMPLOYED!!! I know nobody ever agrees with me anyways, and they probably don't care as long as they have a sense of security, so whatever. I'm about as expendable as a McDonalds employee, so I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I frequently hit myself in the face and neck as hard as I can because I hate what I've become. This whole world is gonna end soon... I can see it now... at least my world is.