To whomever finds this thread...
Hello, I'm an 18 year old piece of . I've subconsciously known that I'm worthless since I was very young. I know I'm neither the most or least fortunate person alive... but I have a pain that just won't go away. It's the pain of feeling failure, isolation, disconnection... I've screwed up on everything I've ever attempted and since I'm an anti-social, introverted, cowardly, passive loser anyways... I wonder if I should even bother hoping for anything. I can't commit suicide because I'm a coward anyways, and it's not like I can just enlighten myself by sleeping or meditating, cause I have problems sleeping and meditation never worked on me.
One of my major problems is feeling alone and disconnected from others. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel like another part of me is starting to manifest. Kind of like my personality is spliting into two pieces; the cold, angry, resentful, shadowy me, and the shy, gentle, empathetic, tender me. I've always got a war inside my head, and it's driving me towards insanity. ](*,)
My parents divorced when I was only four, and my dad passed away last year. It was such a traumatic experience, it's still eating away at me to this day. All these different emotions manifesting me and consuming me from the inside out. Even though I have a small circle of friends I can talk to, I can't help but feel lonely, isolated, and depressed most of the time. I feel alone with my own thoughts tormenting... wishing I could never think in the first place... because it hurts being disconnected.
Not only am I broken over my father's passing, I have no love life whatsoever. Go figure; what girl would ever want anything to do with my short, boney, ugly self anyways? I shy myself away from girls because most of them hate me for reasons I understand. I've never had a girlfriend, sex, or even a kiss (family doesn't count) in my life. As the ol' Bob Marley song goes "No woman, no cry" and how true is that; knowing it's hard for me to express my tears without a female... (and I'm tired of making my mom look at me as totally helpless). I'm not "cool" or "interesting" or "handsome" in any sense, so no wonder girls see me as worthless...
Not only does my social life have serious holes, I am a failure at everything I try. I've tried everything to try and make myself succeed in some sense (paper airplanes, video games, guitar, poetry, net-research, philosophy, etc.) but nothing fits. I'm still just an 18 year old loser with no job, no money, and no female companionship. I've never really won anything in my life, and this totally sucks. ](*,) It's something so painful, it makes me want to hate the ultimate creator of this universe (whatever the hell it may be) because losing everything you attempt is painful... In case you didn't notice, it's completely detrimental to my self-esteem, personality, and confidence. I try so hard in everything I do, only to be let down in the most horrible ways.
I hate walking down the street or driving on the road and seeing all these happy people who look so happy and full of hope. It eats me up inside when I see a socially happy guy with a great girlfriend, built physique, and perfect posture and looks. I totally envy all these happy people. I'd give up almost anything to be one of them. I'm tired of everyone around me winning, succeeding, being completely content and happy with everything in their life. Better them than me, I guess. Whatever, I probably don't deserve anyways.
I've talked to others about this, and they tell me things like "Don't worry, you'll get what you deserve later in life" "I know It's tough now, but you'll get what you need in due time" "Someday you'll find yourself getting far in life..." and I must say those are some pretty good soundbytes. However, history tells us another story, and through studying history, I've came to this conclusion... you don't get what you want in life. You don't get what you need. You don't get what you deserve. I know humanity's purpose (heavy burden, I know)... and that's to get what's there to receive, be it good, bad, or neutral.
Well, i guess you can say that was a barrel of laughs right there... I know I've said "I" too much, but these feelings are getting worse and more intense each passing day. This totally sucks.