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Everything posted by CynicalGuitarist

  1. "When you try things, how far do you go with them? Do you make one attempt then give up because it doesn't work? Because with almost anything you get better with practice, even if first you don't succeed if you look at why you didn't succeed you can learn from that and get better. Maybe you should ask yourself what you want to do and what you want to achieve and work towards that. But when you do, be patient, it will take time." Alas, I get this one alot, especially when I talk to psychiatrists. I'm such a hack, even when I learn from my mistakes, I still make em... It's like a reflex I can't help. Believe me, I do try and try and try again, only to wield the same results. I may have a bad self image, but it's not like I think these things without some sort of rational basis. The people I live around don't really help either... true, most of them aren't very intelligent, but at least they can do so many things "right" and live so happily. I've heard the saying "be patient" so many times, I almost think it's something the "powers that be" like to use to give the hopeless a sense of hope... (but then again, that's a common trick politicians like to use to make the proletarian class think the government cares about them.) "In my religion, it's forbidden to say bad things about someone else (unless they're an evil person like some murderer). It's even more forbidden to say bad things about yourself. You've said some awful things about a sensitive, expressive, talented and well-spoken kid with the post-name of CynicalGuitarist. You owe that fine gentleman a big apology." Pleeeeeease... don't give me any religious "thou shant"s... I've heard it all... from all different religions. They don't help. I think the elite use religion to their advantage to make others feel a false sense of accomplishment... and this works to a lesser extent with cults. These poor fools are so hoodwinked to believe even if they kill themselves, what they're doing is right... (heavens' gate, anyone?) I'm not trying to be rude... it's just the fact that I like to look at things from a spiritual perspective. Yes, religion and spirituality are different. "Your history study is off - many of us have turned ourselves around by changing the way we talk to ourselves. And look at ourselves." Hmm... I've heard a quote somewhere that says "history is written by the winners". How true is that? Just imagine a historical perspective written by one of the natives of America... not one of the immigrants that moved out of Britain, but one of the people who lived so peacefully until smallpox, suburban sprawl, and such raped the land. Sometimes I wonder what the historical perspective of George W. Bush (a traitor to what this country "stood for") will be in 20 years. It's kind of hard to change the way you talk about yourself when the political oppressors are screwing you over... They have all the wealth they could possibly dream of and more... I don't want to hear any whorish statement of "we care about the people" from someone like that... I could go on forever about how history can be bent to make heresies look like favors... but the evidence is overwhelming... "Finally, a book recommendation. It's called "Awaken the Giant Within", by Anthony Robbins." Ah, Tony Robbins... Well, he does make money (and lots of it) off of what he does... He helps many people who are already fortunate (such as top-ranking athletes, generals, musicians... all sorts of rich people) Kind of like how MetallicA needed a psychotherapist to help them record their last album (total crap). I'll be impressed when he can inspire and give a starting hand (it is hard to be positive when you're hungry all the time, no?) to the poor of the world, and aide the many depressed teenagers in lower middle class-working class schools.
  2. To whomever finds this thread... Hello, I'm an 18 year old piece of . I've subconsciously known that I'm worthless since I was very young. I know I'm neither the most or least fortunate person alive... but I have a pain that just won't go away. It's the pain of feeling failure, isolation, disconnection... I've screwed up on everything I've ever attempted and since I'm an anti-social, introverted, cowardly, passive loser anyways... I wonder if I should even bother hoping for anything. I can't commit suicide because I'm a coward anyways, and it's not like I can just enlighten myself by sleeping or meditating, cause I have problems sleeping and meditation never worked on me. One of my major problems is feeling alone and disconnected from others. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel like another part of me is starting to manifest. Kind of like my personality is spliting into two pieces; the cold, angry, resentful, shadowy me, and the shy, gentle, empathetic, tender me. I've always got a war inside my head, and it's driving me towards insanity. ](*,) My parents divorced when I was only four, and my dad passed away last year. It was such a traumatic experience, it's still eating away at me to this day. All these different emotions manifesting me and consuming me from the inside out. Even though I have a small circle of friends I can talk to, I can't help but feel lonely, isolated, and depressed most of the time. I feel alone with my own thoughts tormenting... wishing I could never think in the first place... because it hurts being disconnected. Not only am I broken over my father's passing, I have no love life whatsoever. Go figure; what girl would ever want anything to do with my short, boney, ugly self anyways? I shy myself away from girls because most of them hate me for reasons I understand. I've never had a girlfriend, sex, or even a kiss (family doesn't count) in my life. As the ol' Bob Marley song goes "No woman, no cry" and how true is that; knowing it's hard for me to express my tears without a female... (and I'm tired of making my mom look at me as totally helpless). I'm not "cool" or "interesting" or "handsome" in any sense, so no wonder girls see me as worthless... Not only does my social life have serious holes, I am a failure at everything I try. I've tried everything to try and make myself succeed in some sense (paper airplanes, video games, guitar, poetry, net-research, philosophy, etc.) but nothing fits. I'm still just an 18 year old loser with no job, no money, and no female companionship. I've never really won anything in my life, and this totally sucks. ](*,) It's something so painful, it makes me want to hate the ultimate creator of this universe (whatever the hell it may be) because losing everything you attempt is painful... In case you didn't notice, it's completely detrimental to my self-esteem, personality, and confidence. I try so hard in everything I do, only to be let down in the most horrible ways. I hate walking down the street or driving on the road and seeing all these happy people who look so happy and full of hope. It eats me up inside when I see a socially happy guy with a great girlfriend, built physique, and perfect posture and looks. I totally envy all these happy people. I'd give up almost anything to be one of them. I'm tired of everyone around me winning, succeeding, being completely content and happy with everything in their life. Better them than me, I guess. Whatever, I probably don't deserve anyways. I've talked to others about this, and they tell me things like "Don't worry, you'll get what you deserve later in life" "I know It's tough now, but you'll get what you need in due time" "Someday you'll find yourself getting far in life..." and I must say those are some pretty good soundbytes. However, history tells us another story, and through studying history, I've came to this conclusion... you don't get what you want in life. You don't get what you need. You don't get what you deserve. I know humanity's purpose (heavy burden, I know)... and that's to get what's there to receive, be it good, bad, or neutral. Well, i guess you can say that was a barrel of laughs right there... I know I've said "I" too much, but these feelings are getting worse and more intense each passing day. This totally sucks.
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