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Everything posted by CynicalGuitarist

  1. I know this may not be comforting at first, but you are far from alone, my friend. I've contemplated ending it all because I always think of myself as essentially useless, and people have given me advice that just makes me feel worse. I'm not really talented, intelligent, strong, or handsome in any sense, but in Pandora's box, all bad things came out. Even though everything bad you can imagine was unleashed, there was something positive; hope. It really does suck to feel alone, though. None of my friends understand how tough it is to be a weakling like me. I can work out all day, do nothing but eat healthy and exercise, and drink tons of water, but I'll still be the pathetic little runt of a human being regardless. I do live for guitar, however. Even if I do suck badly at it (which I do) I realize that it's something that may help me in life. I'm not telling you that you can't be depressed, but please don't kill yourself. If you cave and end it all, you'll be letting the doubt within you win. This is much worse than it sounds. Even though misery is a tough card to handle, I think you are an intelligent person who has potential to do big things. Be as down as you want, let those feelings out, but for Chrissake, please don't kill yourself.
  2. Being a virgin and listening to all of my friends' god-forsaken sex stories... It makes me want to take my poketknife to my throat.
  3. I would run and do sports and everything, have tried it in fact in certain points in my life, but it's just discouraging me when everybody else is better (regardless of practice) and I'm such a loser, I'll never be as good as them. I've also tried running, but I get cramps and feel faint for the rest of the day.
  4. I don't know how many of you feel like I do on this topic, but I can't help but feel empty inside. Mostly because I feel lonely and spend my time masking it to my friends. I don't want my friends to know about my emptiness and depression because they'll say things like "Deal with it! don't be such an emo kid!" "It's all in your head. Depression doesn't exist." "It's your own fault for being so shallow all the time. You can't always get what you want, you know." and the like. None of it helps, and in fact that type of advice makes me feel worse. What a crappy saturday. Everyone's gone, nobody's around and there's absolutely nothing to do. I've been lethargic all day, and I'm too afraid to go outside by myself because of the increase in crime in my neighborhood. All there is to do is to stay on the computer, play SNES games on my computer and suck badly at them. This is pretty much the epitome of my life. I feel really disconnected from everybody and everything around me. Nobody really understands me, and what good would it do if they understood me anyways? They aren't me and never will be. I'm stuck in this shell of a limited, puny, bag of bones all by myself. I don't know whether to cry or break something angrly. Sometimes I think life wouldn't be so bad if I were more connected. Maybe if I had more friends, or a purpose in life, or maybe someone I can love and care about as a significant other, maybe life woudn't suck so much. Too bad I'm mentally too f'd up, broke, and introverted for that to happen. Please, don't give me any of that Maury Povich-esque makeover crap. It doesn't help and in fact furthers the possibility of me getting my life back on track. It just makes me feel worse... I have a new pair of shoes, shorts, and have plenty of decent clothes and that doesn't do a damn thing for me. Perhaps I'm looking at life all wrong. Maybe the whole point of life is to get as smashed, high, or stoned as I possibly can, get arrested eventually, be forced into some ultra-sterile 12 step program where all the flashbacks and hangovers will make me hallucinate enough to make me see Jesus telling me to knock off the brain candy, go back to college at a real late age, and become one of those run-of-the-mill, preachy, unobvious, numbingly-happy simpleton who realize my ultimate purpose is to live life for Jesus and Jesus only in high-hopes of getting into heaven. Problem is, my own self-control and dignity is keeping me from achieving this... Dammit.
  5. art and poetry doesn't suck, at long as it isn't coming from me.
  6. I've tried weights, push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, streches, pull-ups, and even smashes. Hell, I've tried doing these things before I go to sleep and I'm still up all night.
  7. Tried it... and boy talk about the deceptive promises they've told me...
  8. I hate being me. I have a whole pallete of colourful reasons why, but here's one: I'm a weakling. That's right. I can work out all day long, eat better than Jack Lalane, re-arrange my diet with all kinds of esoteric supplements, vitamins, and such, but I'll still be physically weaker than your average joe sixpack that sits on the couch all day watching Dukes of Hazard reruns. It really is embarrassing; being the only guy on the block who women are repulsed by, always trying and never succeeding, mentally f'd up in too many ways. I know jealousy is a waste of life, but I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of getting beat up and losing fights. I'm tired of exercise after exercise with no result. I've given up eating healthy, do what I want, and avoid contact with others as much as possible. Dammit, I just want it all to STOP! Don't get me wrong; I'm not a total sloth-on-the-computer. I like to do physical activities such as biking or swimming... but even after all the extensive bike rides I've done, any friend of mine can out-do me without even trying. I'm sick of being a born weakling. It hurts me so badly every day... knowing that you're physically incapable of a lot of things all the other men around you are... I know a good number of you will not know how it feels to be a small, weak little man that makes Danny DeVito seem like Yao, but whatever. I've given up on ever feeling happy or satisfied with myself again. This just proves my theory that "you don't get what you want in life; you don't get what you need either. You don't get what you deserve; you get what you get." Since everything exists in dualities, I'm guessing I was created to make people feel better about themselves. Thank goodness Francis Galton never got the chance to meet me... I'd be one of his human examples to explain "eugenics". Oh well, the earth is over-heating, weather patterns are screwing up, nobody really seems to care, and this world doesn't look like it's gonna be lasting too much longer. It's gonna be great to be a bunch of nameless matter again.
  9. sorry pal... the female wants what she wants. There is no key that opens up all the doors. There are guys out there that can attract women like crazy, and some are socio-phobic and repulsive. Nothing is fair in life; even so, there is more to life than getting girls and falling in love.... aww who am I kidding?
  10. the term "geek" is so loosely used that it's lost almost all of its meaning. Now being a geek is just used to describe someone who's strange, quiet, mysterious, or sometimes used to describe anyone who isn't obvious. Truth is, there are all kinds of geek... for almost every kind of hobby. So even if everyone calls you a geek, I think it's better than being called "normal".
  11. Wow, I'm really sorry that you've been dealt an unfortunate card. That's too bad, because it sure takes a lot to express yourself as eloquently as you have, and you seem to be intelligent as well. I can really empathize with a lot of what you posted. I've been picked on, beat up, and threatened as well. Because of my short size (5'4) all of these neanderthalic scum like to talk all sorts of 5h1t about me. You got jumped by 10 people!? Now that is just cowardance on their part. I'm really ashamed of most of my peers and their totally agregious lust for power. I've had times where I wanted to kill myself or others... but then I realize I'd just be letting them win. It's hard to understand at first, but violence really does begat violence... it's a cycle. I know how it feels to be alien to others... especially girls. They don't like me either; mostly because I'm "weird". I also "quit" school around the same age you did because I didn't get along with anybody and never paid any attention to anything. I did, however, manage to get my GED... if you haven't already, perhaps try your hand at that as a start... If anything, I'd say maybe try a few different things you've wanted to do but were afraid of "sucking" at. I've been playing guitar for a little over 4 years... that's the only thing I've ever stuck to that long. I find it very expressive and even therapeutic... countless blues legends made music their reason to live. Anyways, that's just one example... this world is full of possibilities. If anything, I say don't give up hope, because you aren't alone in feeling depressed.
  12. If I were you, I'd kick him in the cajones on two counts 1. for not being able to control his drinking and 2. for being naked in bed with another woman. case closed.
  13. Of course not... his info is out there for others who take it in... but what he says doesn't really help; it's because he can't relate to me. I'm not slanderizing his work. He's never been me, he doesn't know who I am and I was just saying I'd be even more impressed if he did his magic on some of the more unfortunate of the world; those people really need it. It's kind of like listening to Eminem (which I can't stand). He's proof positive that you can keep saying "Life sure is hard, man. I was there, and it sucked. Life still sucks and fame sucks too, but hey, I just bought a fresh Benz off the lot and have loads of horny girl fans who would give sexual favors to meet me, but man, life still sucks man!" and people will buy into it.
  14. Ok, and for those ultra-realists out there... "Women are a lot like toilets. The good ones seem to be taken, and the rest are really crappy. If you find a clean one that is sanitized, you're a really lucky guy."
  15. Easy. Image sells, and it's proven that most advertising caters towards women. Put 2 and 2 together, and I'll let you be the judge.
  16. Wow, this guy is a totally possessive arsehole. I can honestly say she's not really doing herself any favors with her low self-esteem... is this guy good-looking? If so, it'll take a looooong time before she realizes this guy is stripping away her freedoms. She likes being a slave? I say get out of her life. Ya gotta tell her the next time you talk to her about what she values more... this guy (who is probably in serious penis-envy) or a friend of two years... If she chooses this guy, then you'll just have to move on. Also, don't let her come back to you as a shoulder to cry on if they ever break up...
  17. I'm sorry to tell you this, but either a. she feels really sorry for you or b. she's trying to push buttons (many girls I know love to do this) However, I don't blame you for being attracted to her... I've frequently fell for girls that are already taken (sometimes still do, but now I watch myself). I know, "how terrible..." you say... But anyways, the ol quote "girls are like toilets... all the good ones are taken, the rest are full of * * * *" is very legitimate, cause it's true. I know it sounds hard, but ya gotta back off of her. If you fall for eachother now, it could end up being very painful for the both of you. Not to mention it could cause and escalate violence between you and her boyfriend; I know plenty who are as defensive over their ex's as they are their current girlfriend. They are total animals; which means they like to mark their territory and guard it. I say keep living the single life. Sure, it's painful and depressing, but it's a helluva lot more real than the many illusions of love we have throughout our lifetimes.
  18. Ok, so some of these sound a little extreme yes, but I kind of meant for them to be that way. This is the reason i put "/end rant" at the end of my post... sorry about not clearing that up. I have a strange sense of dark humor and extreme sarcasm that others misunderstand. Hell, even Bill Hicks (one of my all-time heroes) got pissed on stage once and said "HITLER WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING!! HE WAS JUST AN UNDER-ACHIEVER!!!" but that doesn't mean I'm taking him literally. I know after reading that, I sound like a burnt-out coke addict who just likes to look at his own posts... but these are just extreme exaggerations of things that have actually happened to me. As you can see, I like watching cartoons and shows that take a truth sooo far it's almost as if said truth doesn't exist anymore (rocko's modern life, Simpsons, early Rugrats, sometimes South Park, etc. etc.). Sorry if I made anything unclear, I've just got this really kooky sense of dark humor to the point sometimes I don't know if I'm making people think I'm a loon. Have any of you ever seen "Love Liza"? It's a movie that takes a serious topic (loss of wife) and takes the grief (and a huffing addiction) to enormous proportions. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but kind of illustrates that I have an oddly dark sense of humor.
  19. Yeah, a lot of fellow men seem to lose their respect for other men when there's a woman involved. I have no hope with the ladies, so I tend to be much more humble than jerks that call other men various offensive names because there's a woman involved... well, hey at least I had that one positive thing to tell myself.
  20. Yes, they do exist, and are extremely painful for weirdos like me to deal with. Since this topic (and girls in general) has gotten to me as bad (or worse) than it has my teenage years, I've decided to let some frustrations out by listing the double-standards I hate so much... these are just a few examples in no particular order... It is ok to be sensitive when you are a girl. If you are a man, you are expected to walk around acting like you're going to ravage the first guy that looks at you funny. Otherwise, you don't have the animal instinct to protect your mate and your children It's ok if you don't have a car if you are a woman. The man is supposed to pamper her in each and every way possible, so if he has nothing less than a Mustang and drives under 80 mph... he's essentially boring and useless. If he's good looking, however, hey, at least if he can keep ya away from icky public transportation... I'm supposed to be the one to tell a girl how I really feel about her. It's ok if she rejects me because it's always a good excuse. If I don't like a girl romantically, that means I'm shallow and don't deserve to go out with anyone. I'm supposed to treat her like a princess... but when she PMSes and changes moods, I'm supposed to treat her like I'm schizophrenic or something... oh yeah, and girls openly have the right to reject me because I've got problems... riiiiiiight I'm the one that's always wrong; I can't be overly-sensitive or abusive. Well, it's ok for me to be abusive if I am tall and handsome; cause then she'll be too hoodwinked by my physique to stand up for herself. If I'm accused of cheating and taken on some moronic, pro-feminist talk show, be prepared for an ignorant, biased audience to chew the hell outta me. The audience is slanted towards her, so if she hates my guts and wants me to leave her for good, she'll have the backing of several hundred people. If I happen to find a certain girl attractive, it's completely ok for her to be jealous and suspect that I'm shallow. However, if she finds a certain man attractive, I'm not allowed to be suspicious cause then I'd be "oppressive". Its ok to reject me because I'm short. Short men don't have any feelings unless their "hott" or geniuses. Yeah, I really had the ability to choose my height. Hell they even have a right to crack the "short jokes" and reject me based on my height alone. I guess Darwin's "natural selection" works against me, eh? I'm supposed to be a gentleman towards a woman. That means even if she's * * * *ing with my head and trying to flirt with me just to get her boyfriend to whoop my * * *, I'm supposed to still treat her like she's the greatest frickin thing that's ever happened to humanity. Girls love guitar players... yeah, ones that are tall, handsome, and extremely social. Oh it don't matter if he can't even play a Green Day song... If I play anything even remotely out of the punk-pop repritore (unless she's a musical snob, in which she expects no less than a Steve Vai clone) she'll call me a "geek" and "weirdo with no life". Not to mention she has a right to be as "weird" as she wants to. She can listen to all the weirdo pop crap (at least it's weird to me) she wants, but if I even mention one of the abstract cartoons I loved to watch as a kid, she'll kiss my pathetic * * * goodbye... good riddance. Please, if you are a victim to any of these "double standards", join my quest of trying to stomp them out. If you are a woman and think I'm being "offensive", well, you're just proving my point. You just don't understand how hard it is to function being expected to be a tall, handsome, unemotional, charming prince of men and give you all the world on a silver platter. I'm not a chauvenist in any way, but I don't like feminism a bit either. I just want to live my life and maybe have some female companionship... oh well, nevermind, I'm asking for too much again. /end rant.
  21. Not surprisingly, after 18 years of being single, lonely, and never having a girlfriend, I agree with the majority of what you say. Though I'm not a Christian, I think the Bible does have some legitimate moral lessons. I've always avoided the temporary social niche called dating. I was never "cool" or "interesting"; just weird. Thus, I have always been a natural (with the help of my mom and certain "friends") girl repellant. I have a better-than-practical car, I wash myself regularly, I wear decent clothes, I try putting a smile on for girls... then I realize, what's the point when I'm short (5'4)? Girls have no interest in me whatsoever because of my height. They LOVE to tell me how shallow I am, but never even CONSIDER trying to go out with me... There is a huge list of double standards they have (which I might make a thread out of one day) and are near-impossible to please (unless you are tall, dark, handsome, cool, rich, or all of the above). Plus, they types of girl I like (Asian girls... yeah I know, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ghasp aaaaaaaaaay out of my league) hate weird white guys like me (from personal experience). They typically like the macho, thick-headed, alcoholic jocks. Thus, I've pretty much given up on girls; especially since the ones that have been interested in me I've never liked back (romantically, for various reasons). Anyways, let me just say I've been seriously questioning this idiocy called "dating".
  22. Take a hint from Chef from "South Park" and tell her she just needs to find "the clitoris". Oh yeah, and I've heard the "water method" (should be easy to research) is effective as well.
  23. I didn't really intend to tear anybody apart... I'm just saying the elite of this society use all sorts of things (religion and propaganda, for instance) to rule over the population. I didn't scoff at spirituality, because it's something much more intangible. I said I prefer it over religion. I've tried "cognitive therapy". I've read David Burns' book about how great it is... the problem is, it doesn't work on me. These problems didn't just "show up" over the past few years, but manifested themselves unto me over my lifetime. The divorce of my parents and recent death of my father sure didn't help. People all my life (such as my brother and "friends" I've had) have treated me like I was below them; someone who should be seen and not heard... I was kind of making the point with the "point of life" that I think our purpose in life is a whole lot simpler than we think it is. It's debatable, but that's just what I think.
  24. I've asked myself the same question time after time. It seems many girls like to be pampered to no end (I have an arsenal of examples and double-standards). Of course, there is a double-edge to this sword; any guy can mask his true griping until after he gets some action. So, usually, said girl ends up denouncing all males after he gets what he wants out of her (and then leaves)... she becomes lonely and sees all her friends with great boyfriends... so the cycle repeats... of course, there are girls out there that aren't like that... good luck finding them.
  25. Well, it's been almost 1 year since my dad passed away. I tried to better myself and such since he died, but it still eats away at me. It makes me feel terrible.. like I have a serious void I can't seem to fill. It's not so easy as for me to just "move on". I can't help but remember my brother totally dehumanizing me and treating me like my dad didn't even care about me. My mother totally babied me, and it just made me feel worse for some reason. I feel totally worthless like I've let him down horribly. He never even heard me say goodbye. I wish I would have been able to be the son he wanted instead of the faux-bohemian weirdo I am. When they dumped his ashes in the ocean, I wanted to jump right in with him. I know this is short, but I thought such a hard-working, selfless man who was everything I wasn't at least deserves a forum post remembering him... I was a bad son, and still am. Now I have to live with that for the rest of my life... perhaps the price I'm paying is for so many of my relatives and even family passing away.
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