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Crazyaboutdogs

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  1. Crazyaboutdogs
    Melodramatic cliches aside, I would say that these words are very telling. Obviously his wish to end things has a lot to do with his feeling that you are not into the relationship and still have strong emotional ties to your ex husband. He is clearly feeling insecure with his place in your life. Also, he mentioned he does not tolerate threats. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but I think you need to look long and hard at the words above and see what role you may have played in why things went sour. If you want to be with him, you need to discuss this with him. He is clearly in love with you and hurting.
  2. Crazyaboutdogs
    I am so sorry you are going through this. It is tough. The only thing that you can do is sit tight and carry on with your life. Don't contact him unless he contacts you. If he needs a break from you, it should really be a clean break so he can think about things. Not keep you hanging by a string feeding you words you want to hear. That is unfair. Sometimes people do need a break in order to figure out what they really want. Marriage is a big step. It is one thing to tell a person you love them and want to marry them...another thing to actually follow through. He might be at this crossroads.
  3. Crazyaboutdogs
    This is a tough one. Her instability is understandable, being in a foreign country with no family around. She moved into your mother's home with you and probably this was not a good idea because of the old "inlaws" issue that is the butt of many jokes by comedians. Difficult situation for her to be in. The suicide issues are another matter. She probably has issues with depression which were made worse by the situation she found herself in. Has she gone to counselling at all to get to the root of her problems? Are your fights, petty fights? It is so easy to throw in the towel when things get rough but remember, marriage is about not bailing at the first sign of trouble. It is about trying to figure out why there is trouble, see if it can be fixed, and finally, if everything fails, then end the marriage. I don't think the two of you have really dug deep into the root of all of these problems and perhaps that is worth exploring before deciding to end the marriage.
  4. Crazyaboutdogs
    Your wife is controlling and unhappy but remember that you too played a part in this. In one way, I can understand why she wouldn't want you to talk to your sister. Your sister says bad things about her and she says bad things about your sister and you are the go-between reporting all of these bad things. You, in fact, facilitated the bad feelings between the two of them and played up on it. In addition, it was your own weakness and self-interest which got you into the marriage....she had a well-paying job and a house. From her point of view, she has been through a lot of tragedy...a fiancee who cheated on her, car accident resulting in loss of a baby, several miscarriages etc. While I don't condone controlling behaviour, there are two sides to every story and I am sure she is very hurt by your actions as well. Have you been understanding of her traumas? I am sorry to be so blunt, but I think the part that is very telling to me is the fact that you would run back and forth between your sister and her telling each of them the rotten things they said about the other. This is very passive aggressive behaviour which is quite typical behaviour of someone who, while growing up, was told to basically shut up. Passive Aggressive people (check out the book "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler) are difficult because they always paint themselves as the victim and yet do things to undermine their partner. As a result, the partner gets angrier and angrier. You both need help in dealing with the dynamics between the two of you. Is leaving the answer, perhaps...but you will end up playing out the same scenario with somebody else. It is not just her, you are part of the problem as well.
  5. Crazyaboutdogs
    Since you were the one who hurt her very badly, not once, but twice, I think it is up to you to show her you have changed....not by being needy and constantly telling her you have changed, but by just being there as a friend. The problem right now is that you are still thinking about this from only your perspective. She is backing off, you are hurt so you go NC. But she is backing off because she doesn't quite trust you and doesn't want to get hurt again. By going NC because it hurts YOU, you are just feeding her insecurities and distrust all over again. If you want another chance with her, you have to put YOUR feelings aside and be there for her. In other words, it will be the little things that count...sending her the note on the anniversary of her father's death. Phone calls once a week or once every two weeks just to say hi and talk about whatever (not about the relationship). You need to build up the trust again. Maybe she is too hurt to ever give you a chance again, but maybe over time, she will. Who knows. Don't look for a quick fix. The faster the reconciliation, the faster it will fizzle. Reconciliation should take time in order for both parties to have a chance to think.
  6. Crazyaboutdogs
    Many people I know of who married in their twenties, were then divorced by their thirties. Marriage isn't everything. They have to be in it for the long haul.
  7. Crazyaboutdogs
    Perhaps it was a stupid mistake, but we all make stupid mistakes in relationships. For someone to say to themselves "hey, if you can act like that, then I will just go find myself someone else right away" is very much over the top and immature. Not talking for a few days is one thing...running out to find another partner is a whole other matter. Please do not blame yourself for this. Yes, you did play your part in how this escalated, but she disrespected you in the worst way by running after someone else just because you got into a fight.
  8. Crazyaboutdogs
    You are not alone. I too have had to give up the dream of being with someone who was too afraid of his own feelings. It hurts so badly.
  9. Crazyaboutdogs
    Well, it seems that stubborness and pride got the better of both of you. She met someone so quickly??? This is her trying to hurt you. Not very mature. And if she did meet someone, what kind of a person is she to throw things away so quickly. Hopefully this will all blow over.
  10. Crazyaboutdogs
    I wonder if he is those self-described "nice men". I love it when men describe themselves as nice and how they are so hard done by women...yet when a nice woman comes along who is kind and caring, they shove them aside and then complain when they can't find a nice woman who appreciates them! I am so sorry you are hurting. It sounds to me that he wants to have sex with other women and is just not looking to settle down at the moment. I can imagine dealing with cancer has made him think about life and perhaps he feels he should explore possibilities with other women. What a shame that he can't see what is really important in life, someone who sticks by you through thick and thin. Maybe he will have to learn the hard way. Good for you for backing out of his life. If he is too immature to realize what is important then you are better off without him (no matter how painful). I too have had to walk out of someone's life because he was disrespecting me. Although I know he loves me, he is too troubled and immature to deal with it. For my own self-respect I had to walk out of his life.
  11. Crazyaboutdogs
    While it is always prudent to make sure you are going into a field that will give you a decent living, money isn't everything. You are at a job 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. If you don't enjoy what you do, getting up in the morning to go to work will be hell. Most people don't earn anywhere near $100,000 and still lead productive, happy lives. Even people earning $100,000 can be in debt up to their eyeballs. Do what makes you happy because it is your life, not your mother's. Don't live her dreams, live your own.
  12. Crazyaboutdogs
    I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time. New Year's Eve is a tough time as we imagine those who have hurt us having a grand time. She sounds like she is very confused. If she sends you a Happy New Year text, all you have to do is reply back with a simple Happy New Year. Nothing more. This way you have acknowledged her text (which is polite) but not given her anything more. Even if she goes on about missing you, don't fall for it. Just keep your response to her simple and uninvolved.
  13. Crazyaboutdogs
    He seems to be messing with your head. Doesn't want you as a girlfriend right now, but wants you to keep hanging on to him. That is not fair. Perhaps you need to lay down the law....tell him you love him, miss him, would like to be back together, but if he doesn't feel the same way then it is best that you stop being in contact so that you can heal and move on with your life. New Year's Eve is depressing. I myself am wondering what the guy who broke my heart is up to. It really hurts.
  14. Crazyaboutdogs
    Another "crazy" responding to you! I know how you are feeling...I am feeling the same way. I too had a very bad 2006 and was very betrayed by someone I cared about. Even after he supposedly tried to make it up to me, it was only lip service, never really putting himself out there for me. Just did the bare minimum to hook me back in and then sat back and did nothing. Couldn't even be bothered to give me comfort with several crises going on in my life this year. Yeah, I too am angry that I allowed him to behave in such a manner towards me, but I finally told him off. Feel crappy that people can take advantage of other people's kind, generous and forgiving nature. Let's hope 2007 is a better year.
  15. Crazyaboutdogs
    Oh, I can definitely relate to that. I read a book called "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler and it perfectly describes what I have been going through for the last four years. His fear of intimacy, pushing me away but expecting me to be there for him etc. It was a real eye-opener. I knew the issues went very deep but my friends just saw the surface behaviour...the old cliche that if he is behaving erratically that means "he is just not that into you". He keeps coming back into my life but then wanting to remain on the sidelines, never quite giving of himself, but he wants to know that I am there for him. I am at the point where I too am embarrassed to talk to my friends. I let him have it in a voice message last week. Reading that book has helped me understand his behaviour and how I was perpetuating it. Whether or not I will ever hear from him again, I don't know. He's got major issues that he won't deal with and just blames other people for. I too am feeling devastated this New Year's Eve.
  16. Crazyaboutdogs
    Sometimes people need the tough love approach....if their partner is floundering and pushing people away, sometimes it is best to walk away as a wake up call to the partner. In other words, like you, rock bottom has to be hit before there is a turn around. Having said all that, walking away shouldn't be forever if you really love someone. It sounds to me that she just wanted to coast along and when things went sour, she wasn't walking away out of concern for you, more out of concern for herself and wanting a fun relationship. In life people go through difficult times....and that is what commitment is all about...sticking with the person through the difficult times. If you stay friends with her in the hopes of showing her that you are back to your old self...and then she comes back to you....what happens if life throws you a curve again? Will she bolt again? I would say walk out of her life and let her see what she is missing. She needs to grow up. I am sorry about your mother. That is rough. My father has been going through chemo for colon cancer (they removed the tumour surgically). I also have a friend who has breast cancer which has metastasized to the liver...she is terminal. It is a very tough thing to watch family members and friends go through the ordeal.
  17. Crazyaboutdogs
    Don't stay with him just because you don't want to be single. The reason to stay with him would be to see if you could work things out. Sometimes somebody just needs a wake-up call because they get too comfortable and lazy in a relationship. Just make sure that his changes are for real, and not just temporary until he gets comfortable again.
  18. Crazyaboutdogs
    Never underestimate the value of comfort, emotional stability and being a kind person. I am not sure you are referring to your current ex or a previous ex, because the way you described your current ex, it doesn't sound like it would be him. At any rate, as you get older you will find that those values are much more important than finding someone who is good looking, in shape and a great dancer. Be very careful what you are looking for because the "exciting" people are not necessarily the most reliable people when it comes to fulfilling the requirements of a healthy relationship. I don't know if you live in North America, but there is a group called Meetup link removed and they often have various meetup groups depending on your interests.
  19. Crazyaboutdogs
    Sigh, I know that scenario very well!
  20. Crazyaboutdogs
    Please take some time to heal before embarking on another relationship. You have lots of time. If you go into a relationship too soon before properly healing, you will hurt yourself in the long run and really really hurt an innocent person who will fall for you and then find out that she was just a way for you to get over your ex. Even if you tell her right off the bat, she will still have hopes that she can "heal you". Only you can heal yourself, ALONE. You were engaged, you had visions of a future with this woman. She ripped your heart out. You need time to grieve this relationship, get out the anger and hurt and sadness over the broken dreams. Only when you go through the unbearably painful process of grieving this relationship and coming out whole again, will you be ready to enter the dating scene again.
  21. Crazyaboutdogs
    Friends. Hard to know who is really a friend these days. When I moved back to my hometown, I made a new group of friends. We went out every weekend. I am a very giving person and always go the extra mile for people. Unfortunately when I needed their help, they weren't there for me. Bottom line, just because you see people all the time doesn't mean they are REALLY your friends. Some people you won't see very often but when you are in a crisis, they are there for you....those are your true friends. As for finding people to be with, try social activties, joining a church/synagogue/mosque/temple group (depending on your religion). There is a group called Meetup which has various types of social outings depending on your interests. They are in many cities and I am sure they have some groups in Toronto. link removed
  22. Crazyaboutdogs
    As someone who has been involved in an email relationship I can tell you don't panic if you haven't heard from him. It is hard to sustain emailing every day. After some time, it simmers down. Love can blossom via email and it doesn't mean there has to be contact every day. Don't panic. Sometimes declarations scare people for a while so they need to back off. If the feelings are true, the person comes back. Just don't expect that there will be emails every day forever. As the relationship builds and there is more comfort, that could get reduced because, after, all, you both have lives to lead.
  23. Crazyaboutdogs
    It is so hard to comment based on so little information. Why would you have to ditch your own family for her benefit? Do they not like your wife or she doesn't like them? Without knowing who cause the rift, it is hard to comment. There usually three sides to every story (his, hers and the truth being somewhere in between!) because each party has their own perspective and reality on things. As much as you are hurting, I am sure so is she, which is causing her to lash out like that. Being away from her family can be so isolating so she is trying to cover up her insecurities with hostility. Have the two of you sat down to really talk about things in a non-hostile way? You have only been married two years. Sometimes the first couple of years it is hard to adjust to the changes married life brings. Before throwing in the towel, ask yourself if you have also tried to see things from her perspective. Is there some way you can meet in the middle and repair the rift in the family? Again, without knowing details, it is hard to comment.
  24. Crazyaboutdogs
    It wasn't quite clear to me if you are still separated or living together. Your wife sounds very domineering and controlling. Are you sure you want to stay in this situation? If you were in contact with your ex, why didn't the two of you re-connect as a couple? Why do you keep caving in to your wife. Every time you try to assert your independence, your wife rips into you and you back away. So now you found another woman who you say you are passionately in love with, but as soon as your wife freaks out about a divorce, you cave in. You might want to read up on abusive relationships (women can be just as abusive as men, and abuse doesn't have to be physical). If you are going to go to counselling, I think one of the major things that needs to be addressed is her behaviour...and please don't let her try to blame you for her shortcomings...that is classic abuse tactics. You have a right to be happy. Do not confuse "love" with co-dependence. As for the length of time for counselling, that is hard to say. She would need to recognize her behaviour as damaging and you would have to recognize that you are contributing to the dynamics of the relationship...then you both have to work on changing those attitudes and reactions.
  25. Crazyaboutdogs
    While your boyfriend may not have been a prize, I wouldn't exactly call guy #s 2 and 3 prizes either. Just because someone buys you gifts, doesn't mean they are sincere. Sure it is nice to get gifts, but I bet he was doing it to get into your pants, after all, how long did you know him...from a vacation! Guy #3 got lucky because he didn't have to get you gifts, he was just a great dancer and good looking. Talk about Hollywood movie cliche. Okay, I can't really comment on this too much because I did not see the dynamics of your relationship...but I don't believe you are telling the whole story. This is not simply down to him. As a previous poster mentioned, you encouraged the attentions of at least 2 men above and beyond what would be acceptable for someone who had a boyfriend back home. Before embarking on another relationship, I would suggest you remain single for awhile and think about what you really want. Men like you met on vacation are a dime a dozen and can be found in any sleazy bar and pick-up joint. Those type of people will not keep you happy for long.
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