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Crazyaboutdogs

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  1. Crazyaboutdogs
    Decades ago...in the 1930's, 1940's and 1950's smoking was considered the in thing to do. Nobody knew about the health ramifications...so commercials would often have "physicians" touting brands of cigarettes. Cigarette smoking was made cool in the movies. Smoking became the norm. Then once people started having major health problems, research started really looking into the links between cigarette smoke and health problems...that is when the tide started turning. Right now marijuana is illegal so it is not mainstream...if you make it legal then it will become acceptable and fashionable like cigarette smoking once was...then you will really find out the health ramifications...studies will be commissioned links will ultimately be made, just like with cigarettes.
  2. Crazyaboutdogs
    I agree. Somebody also mentioned about IQ...but not everyone knows their IQ except perhaps people who have this great need to get into Mensa! Also, having a high IQ doesn't necessarily make you intelligent...it just means you are able to pass those IQ tests.
  3. Crazyaboutdogs
    I think it depends on the circumstances behind the cheating. There are those who cheated due to certain circumstances and then never cheated again. Your boyfriend is a player and that is a whole other matter. He is the classic sweet talker. When a man starts yammering on about the future as husband and wife, that often is a red flag...the cart before the horse, so to speak. Many women have been lulled into a false sense of security when their guy waxes poetic about their future together, their wedding, their honeymoon blah, blah when they haven't even proposed! Players don't typically reform.
  4. Crazyaboutdogs
    Plenty of people have bumped up old threads...it helps to read the stories of others even if they haven't happened recently...the point is, they still happened and you can learn from them. That is why we always learn about history...I mean, one can argue, why learn about World War I when that was long ago, why not just learn about the wars that happened in the last few years...because there are lessons to be learned from previous wars....and so, there are lessons to be learned from older threads.
  5. Crazyaboutdogs
    I don't believe in the one size fits all notion of "once a cheater always a cheater". People do make mistakes, regret it and are truly remorseful. However, your boyfriend clearly has a history of cheating...he cheated on his ex quite a bit and given what you have written, he has probably cheated on you as well. Don't waste your time with this guy. He is a habitual cheater and chances are he would be the type who would cheat on you while you are pregnant. Find someone who will cherish you and not cheat and lie.
  6. Crazyaboutdogs
    So he cheated on you with this woman he is going to marry...cheated in YOUR bed. He stays close friends with you while he is with her and runs back to stay with you when he has a fight with her. To top it off, he writes that he doesn't want to be alone because he is afraid of getting sick, and reminds you that he is 10 years older than you. This guy has major personality issues. He doesn't seem capable of love...only, using people. He is also very obnoxious. He wants to keep his bike in your garage so that YOU will feel needed. PLEASE, give me a break. He is full of you know what! This man is not worth your time and energy. His new wife is in for a really rough ride and that has already started long before the marriage. Look at it this way, he is a loser, he is marrying a loser and, at least on his side, he is getting married for all the wrong reasons...he wants a nursemaid. Your feelings are probably tied in with the fact that it hurts that the woman he cheated on you with is going to marry him. It is a blow to your ego and a very natural reaction. It doesn't necessarily mean you still love him and want to get back with him (maybe a piece of you had hoped for that scenario), but it means that the two of them did the dirty on you and seem to have it all fall into place for them. Well, looks are deceiving. This will likely not be a very happy and fulfilling union for either of them. Anyone can get married...the trick is being happily married and staying married. While they wallow in misery, you have the chance to meet someone who is actually capable of love and compassion.
  7. Crazyaboutdogs
    The counsellor missed the boat on this one. It is not the marriage that is the problem, it is your own internal demons. You are not happy within yourself and you are simply looking for happiness from other men. Why do you want to be single...it sounds to me that you want to be single so that you can play the field and date and it really has nothing to do with finding out who you are as an individual. No matter which man you are with, you will always be looking for another thrill (with another man) because you are not happy within yourself. There are a lot of duds out there...you should be happy that your husband dotes on you and treats you with respect. You are not treating him with respect by continually having a wandering eye and even going so far as cheating on him. Your actions are hurting him. If you stay in the marriage and don't tell him you cheated, it will come out eventually and it will likely shatter your marriage. I would suggest you start figuring out what you want in life, your goals and ambitions....and those goals and ambitions should be a lot more meaningful than wanting to party all the time, and have multiple men flocking at your feet. You should have goals and dreams that will do you proud....
  8. Crazyaboutdogs
    I wonder if the amazing sex you had has more to do with the excitement of an illicit relationship rather than actual solid chemistry with that guy. Of course you don't trust him....he cheated on his girlfriend. But remember, you cheated on your boyfriend so that puts you in the same league of trustworthiness as this other guy. Doesn't matter that you both eventually broke off your relationships, you both still cheated and have not come clean to your respective partners. You get out of your current relationship by telling your "boyfriend" that things are no longer working for you with him and you don't want to be together anymore. Yes, you do have a place to live...you get yourself an apartment. You are both young and have been together for a long time, that is probably why the chemistry is no longer there. At 21 it is now time to take the plunge and live life on your own without backup. You can make it on your own and you owe it to yourself, for your own self-growth, to start becoming your own person. He may be hurt for awhile, but he is young and will find someone else, as will you.
  9. Crazyaboutdogs
    Not everyone simply transfers "special" names or rituals to successive partners. Everyone is different, it is not one size fits all. Perhaps this person is indeed reaching out. I would say proceed with caution. If you want to re-kindle something, then perhaps drop her a line...but don't mention that you saw the possible hints she gave, just keep it casual. Good luck and I hope it works out.
  10. Crazyaboutdogs
    Just something to bear in mind....one someone appears to get pleasure out of causing someone emotional pain, it means that they themselves are full of self-loathing and insecurity. A person who has moved on and is happy in their life, does not feel the need to stick it to others. This man is not happy at all...not in his life, not in his new relationship, not within himself. Don't think his life is grand and glorious while yours is in the toilet. The reality is, you are in a much happier place than he is because all he has is vindictiveness and self-loathing in his heart.
  11. Crazyaboutdogs
    I think it is the feeling betrayed and the lack of closure that is getting to you more than anything. Can you really love a man who treats you in that way? I think you love the man you thought he was...the man who was tender and kind at the beginning. I think that is the image you are keeping in your heart...in order to get over him, you need to see him as the monster that he is...the one who verbally abused you, physically abused you, was controlled by his mother and who is completely and totally bonkers. This is the reality of who he is. And the new girlfriend....well, don't believe she is having an easy time of it. A person's character doesn't change. What he did to you is what he is doing to her. The fact that she is mouthing off to you shows that she herself is incredibly insecure. I bet they have major fights in which both are abusive to each other. You think life is hunky dory with the two of them...I doubt that very much. They are both messed up. Focus on yourself and all the wonderful things you have to offer. You have so much going for you...love yourself, find peace within yourself. Be grateful that he is out of your life because you have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy without being dragged down by an abusive nutcase. You had a very unhealthy attachment to him and put him too much on a pedastal (watching him sleep for hours etc). Time to think of who he really is...he is a loser who is not worth your energy. We all make mistakes and fall for the wrong person...you are lucky that you didn't spend decades married to him. He did you a big favour by walking out of your life. Move forward to a brighter future and don't look back to your relationship with him which was really not so wonderful.
  12. Crazyaboutdogs
    By the way, you will find as you read that passive aggressive discussion group, that sleeping is a common phenomenon with passive aggressive men...it is a way to avoid connecting with their partner. Being on the computer, working all the time, or continually watching TV are also pretty standard behaviours. The insults, the sloppiness, lack of sex, lack of intimacy, clamming up when trying to discuss issues, blaming the partner, acting like nothing is wrong etc...yep, pretty typical behaviours of passive aggressive personality. Passive aggressives are very self-centered. Also, people with personality disorders sometimes have more than one type of personality disorder. I was very hurt by a passive aggressive man which led me to reading all of this information. It has helped me enormously and I am now grateful that the relationship never progressed to marriage. He just got married and although his wife is not the nicest woman on the planet, I actually feel very sorry for her because she thinks she has landed a successful and "nice" man who is well-liked by the world. Successful, yes, but "nice" is just the facade. Scratch beneath the surface and he is actually quite cruel and lacking in compassion. Passive aggressive men often come accross to the world as always helpful "nice guy". They are really a wolf in sheep's clothing. The partners of these men tend to learn that as time goes on and wonder why that "nice man" is not nice to them anymore. By the way, Passive aggressive personality is not exclusive to men, there are many women out there who fit that description.
  13. Crazyaboutdogs
    Read the book "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wexler and log on to the following site: link removed Read the archived discussion group. It is a real eye opener. Your husband has the hallmarks of the classic passive aggressive man. There are varying degrees and it seems to be a really common problem. You might get some good insights into your relationship and figure out where you go from here. The women who wrote into the passive aggressive discussion group were all married to passive aggressive men. It can get pretty ugly, and the longer you are in it, the worse it gets. Please don't ever think it is you...it is NOT you, it is him and his hangups and issues.
  14. Crazyaboutdogs
  15. Crazyaboutdogs
  16. Crazyaboutdogs
    Nobody knows for sure how he will react to the disclosure. Also, the fact that you also lied to his best friend's wife might make him feel uncomfortable. Making up a University degree on a CV is not trivial. Lying on a CV is not a trivial matter. It may not have anything to do with your relationship per se, but if I found out that someone I was dating did that, I would no longer want to date them because I would question their integrity and character. I think what concerns me about all of this is that you are more concerned about the lie and how it will affect the relationship because you don't want to lose him, rather than on the fact that by lying about something that big, you are doing a disservice to yourself. Also, you say that it is no big deal with regards to the company since you don't work there anymore. That is not the point...the point is, you should feel badly for lying on your CV because it was the wrong thing to do and it is bad for your character...not simply because you don't want to lose someone. You have to have dignity and self-respect to do the right thing, not because you want to look good for someone else, but because you want to look good for yourself. Regardless of what happens with the relationship after disclosure, know that coming clean is the right thing to do.
  17. Crazyaboutdogs
    Watching porn is not the same as cheating...watching porn is pure fantasy...a physical release. There is no real live person involved, it is just an image on a screen. Yes, it is a problem when people become addicted to porn and neglect their spouse because of it. If that was not the case in your situation then please don't keep beating yourself up over it. Your wife took this matter to an extreme and to a certain degree this is also about her own insecurities and she needs to work on herself just as much as you need to work on things. Some people enjoy masturbating to porn, that is a private matter. Just because two people are in a relationship, doesn't mean that self-pleasuring is out of the question...and some people like to self-pleasure by watching porn. Better that than self-pleasuring by fantasizing about a co-worker or someone else the person actually knows. Sure, deal with your issues with porn, but also remember that she has issues too and maybe the two of you need to have a happy medium and not an all or nothing and accusations of cheating.
  18. Crazyaboutdogs
    Don't send that email, it is indeed very rude. Some people are just very lonely and don't mean any harm. You don't know who he is and what is situation is so it is better to err on the side of caution and leave well enough alone. Either ignore his email or simply write something like, Thank you for your response, I have looked at your profile and don't think we are a good match. Wish you all the best.
  19. Crazyaboutdogs
    Sounds to me like you are having a mid-life crisis and from the way your wife is behaving, she probably suspects something is going on. The woman 9 years your junior...she is just a plaything....what you think is love is simply the thrill of sleeping with someone new, someone much younger who makes you feel younger too. Your wife has stuck by you through thick and thin whereas this other woman is only in it for herself. She has no scruples, no integrity and no self-esteem because if she did, she wouldn't be content with a man who is married. Besides, if you set up house with the new woman, it won't take long before the mushy gushy feelings give way to the realities of life...the same realities you are facing with your wife on a day to day basis. What you have with the other woman is an illusion, a fantasy because you are bored with your marriage. Start spicing up your marriage, go to counselling and perhaps you might find that you will fall in love with your wife all over again. And please don't portray your wife as weak...I am sure she is a lot tougher than you think. It is the suspecting something is up that is causing her to panic. If she knew the truth, she could at least move on to the next stage and deal with the reality rather than the uncertainty. I am sure she can get along just fine without you. Most people who have been betrayed by their spouses get along just fine without them.
  20. Crazyaboutdogs
    I went through tough times with job searches....took me many years to finally get a job that is more suitable and that I am thrilled with. I was 38 years old when that fell into place. As for men, I can't even find anybody to date! I was just badly hurt in a relationship. Are there any dog parks in your area? Perhaps just mingling with people at a dog park might lift your spirits. You can't really control the fickleness of dating life and the fickleness of potential employers, but you can control other aspects of your life...outside activities, hobbies, volunteering, dog-related activities etc.
  21. Crazyaboutdogs
    In addition to making sure you ALWAYS wear a condom, make sure you now go to a gynecologist for YEARLY pap tests. The younger you are having sex and having multiple partners, the more you increase your risk of getting the virus linked to cervical cancer. Please remember that sex does not necessarily equal love, especially at your age. The hormones of teenage boys are raging and if you start getting a "reputation" at school, you will have lots and lots of boys who will promise you their undying love just so that they can have sex with you. Chances are the boys will talk trashy about you behind your back, and so will the girls. HarleyHunny has given great advice.
  22. Crazyaboutdogs
    I don't believe people are at issue with the fact that you are a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship. The issues people are having problems with are the following: a) the man is married and being disloyal to his wife b) you are saying vicious things about his wife when it is really your behaviour that is morally questionable (having a relationship with a married man). c) your conflicting statements as to the nature of your relationship with this man (want him to leave his wife and be with you....vs business arrangement) d) your extreme sense of entitlement and lack of concern for others. Perhaps there are other people in this world who think and behave as you do and you will find the emotional support from them with no judgements. The sound advice is simply to go get a lawyer...that's it. What else is there to say?
  23. Crazyaboutdogs
    From going through your last thread and seeing this new thread, all I can say is that instead of focusing on her and ultimately getting back with her, why not focus on YOU and YOU alone. By obsessing about her and figuring out how much of a time frame constitutes NO CONTACT before re-initiating contact is really defeating the whole purpose of NO CONTACT. You are not healing yourself...you are just filling in the time between now and when YOU deem it is acceptable to contact her. You may be giving her space right now, but your whole thought process is on how you will ultimately cause her to lose that space that she needs. One month is not enough time for her to heal from the damage you have caused her. You don't seem to really get just how badly she is damaged from your relationship. One month is not long enough to recover from an abusive relationship. This is not a job interview, this is a real person who has been emotionally scarred. Leave her be. It is not that people on this board are naysayers...some people do get back with their exes....however, in your case it is a situation of abuse and she is scared of you. That is a whole different ballgame than someone who needed space because the relationship got boring. The abusive mindset is still very much in you...that is obvious by the things you are writing....you are not really accepting the situation as it is because if you were, you would not even be planning contact so quickly.
  24. Crazyaboutdogs
    That may be true in some cases but I wouldn't make sweeping generalizations. There is an expression, to the effect "we only hurt the ones we love". A wise woman once told me that "sometimes people don't mean to be unkind, it is often their problem not yours". In other words, sometimes people have their own hangups and insecurities and end up hurting others because of it. Love is about accepting people for their faults, but also making sure they don't walk all over you. A lot of people have selfish personality characteristics which renders them unable to think about another person's point of view before acting. Sometimes you have to keep spelling out their hurtful actions. How long you continue with the person depends on your feelings for the person and whether or not you can accept the person's personality failing while still making sure your needs ultimately get met. It is a personal choice that nobody can make for you. Ultimately you will know when you have had enough.
  25. Crazyaboutdogs
    Reading this thread I have the theme for the "Twilight Zone" playing in my head! This is just too off the wall! That child is going to end up with a very backwards notion of right and wrong. Poor child, an innocent in all of this craziness, duplicity and coldness.
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