Batya33

I’d rephrase. She has chosen to react to her feelings by meeting with her ex to comparison shop and by sharing with you that her way of taking her emotional temperature is to compare the strength of her feelings for you to those she felt in the past for her ex. So please know even if you win “the prize” you’ll need a really strong stomach each time she seems distant or you wonder hmmmm do I still measure up ?? Anyone who makes it this sort of competition and is tacky enough to share it with her partner likely is a poor choice for any sort of long term partner. Doubts weren’t “created” - she is acting on her feeling for her ex by telling you she’s gonna test them out by meeting with him. So like if an attractive woman caught your eye and you felt a strong spark it’s ok to tell her that and tell her you know what you need to meet that lady for coffee to see if you feel as strong a spark for your partner but you know it’s ok because you know you feel chemistry with your partner but now that you see some other green grass you’re just gonna check if it’s greener. You’ll let her know the results and she should hang out and wait to see if she makes the grade.

I find it odd that you went on more than maybe two dates with this person? And you do chores for her despite how she treats you? It takes two to argue. Believe me I know -our son is 15 lol. It also takes two to be in a healthy adult relationship. Healthy adults who are cranky/irritable make choices around their partners so they don't subject them to their crankiness. Make it "their fault" so to speak. Yes it's not just about loving feelings because you also at times have to stop, pause, breathe and either not speak, walk away discreetly to get yourself together, or change your tone because even if you feel love your crankiness might win over in the moment and then you haven't acted very loving. She doesn't choose to do this in part because she knows you keep coming back for more and -bonus -you do her literal dirty work. It's also about humility in a healthful relationship. I bet she doesn't talk to her coworkers or her boss like that right?

How rude and tacky of her to compare the chemistry - I'd have been gone basically just based on that choice. It's fine to say "look I'm not feeling it" but why deliberately try to hurt you even more? No I wouldn't talk to someone who obviously missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught (and no she wasn't "just being honest"). Let her comparison shop all she wants -on her own.

No worries! It could be among certain top universities especially like MIT and CalTech. As you can see on the news a number of universities are now facing much bigger issues unfortunately. Very tense around here!

That's not the case -to the extent you describe - and I know many professors. That likely is specific to the field of study and the school -for example I would imagine what you wrote is more true of schools like MIT and Caltech, etc. But your friend sounds interesting with interesting work!

Kim I wanted to tell you this story - I was a 20 something intern at a huge company. Early 90s There were about 20 of us -same age-ish. One of them massively flirted with me and was very very handsome. And even a little younger than me. I was totally single. It was obvious to everyone he was flirting. So one day I asked him if he wanted to go for lunch during the workday -just to the pizza place down the block. He said yes. And - once outside the office -he was - stiff/awkward -and then mentioned his girlfriend at lunch. I never described it as a date and I didn't make a fool out of myself -but there you go -who the heck knows what the deal with him was -I was just glad I found out before I felt embarrassed.

How close are you with your childhood friend? Who is paying for the prom? If he still wants to go -go and go and have fun and have no expectations beyond a fun and memorable night.

I can totally see that -since I was born into this environment and always lived this way I actually don't like when it's too quiet and I'm good at navigating around huge crowds of people. As I get older I'm more sensitive to loud/sudden noises especially in our apartment -my teenager, etc. And all of a sudden I noticed -in a negative way -all the crowds when I was pushing a stroller in my 40s!

OP I don’t think he’s interested in dating you or having a personal relationship outside the office. But I think he likes being work friends and making new work friends.

Oh that sounds lovely ! We live in the middle of a bustling active neighborhood in a major city . I’ve never lived for more than a few months at a time in any different environment. And only a few times.

I think it’s GREAT that you followed up with the comment you did about the nearby bar. Whatever the outcome. Good for you.

With rare exception I don’t think sexual touching to initiate sex is appropriate when the person is sleeping.

I've did the same when I moved 9 miles from my parents home into the major heart of the city instead of in a borough and was totally worth it -same reasons. And we now live with our son in a 2 bedroom/2 bath instead of a large house for very similar reasons. I'm glad you made that choice! The gorgeous park down the block which is a lot like Central Park in NYC is the backyard we share with thousands and we too are in the middle of a restaurant and shopping and arts and culture area -all within walking distance like yours. Enjoy!

She wrote later on that she told him in advance not to do that.

That's not at all what I meant by it. I mean if a committed couple is sharing a bed and they typically get sexual when sharing a bed then a person who doesn't wish to should probably let his or her partner know that there's a change in their routine. Obviously if the person touches the other person in a sexual way and the other person says - not tonight darling -that's NO. I don't think there's a problem with one person touching another in bed if their routine is to get affectionate in bed. I don't ask my husband permission before I kiss him goodnight. I agree totally with what you wrote. Now the OP says she told him in advance clearly what her boundaries were which he violated. I feel badly for her.

He shouldn't be all out groping when you're asleep. A hug or a gentle touch on the shoulder or face - I mean sure that can happen accidentally too like footsies lol. But he acted in a very aggressive and offensive way IMO. I'm so sorry!

OK thanks for the information!

I didn't see where she asked him and she physically turned away - but if she asked him yes of course.

Especially since you seem to be overly cautious about dating this is wayyy too much time to think about and talk about a person who behaves this way. It’s like when I get a Facebook request from a man I don’t know. Depending on his profile I either block immediately or ask him how he knows me or if he knows my husband. If it checks out I accept. If not I block. I don’t analyze why a person is randomly trying to connect with me, what could be wrong with him for doing so etc. Same with let’s say interviewing for a new job. Do you spend time after an off interview analyzing why it seemed fishy oe why the person may have behaved oddly or inappropriately? If you want a new job you move on asap to greener pastures and leave the analyzing to a therapist or some business analyst. If you truly want to be open and reasonably positive and reasonably approachable don’t waste time on feeding your generalized suspicions of relationships by focusing on some person with obviously questionable ethics and social skills - understatement. JMHO.

Attraction in the sense of wanting arm candy- you prize being with someone who has certain physical features -is different from chemistry -to me chemistry is essential. And often is related to what someone looks like but not always and not always to any real extent. My husband and I are 57. We are not hot looking. Last night we were at a dinner party and - unusually -we were able to sit as a couple while our teenage son sat at the "teenager table" instead of with us -so it felt like a date to us. We held hands for part of the time laughed in a way that with our son would not have been the same sort of couple laughter, etc. No I didn't feel like sneaking upstairs to have sex with him but after knowing him since the mid 90s and being together and married this time over 15 years I still think that sense of clicking/attraction/chemistry is essential- it's the glue that keeps our marriage healthy. We had intense zazaza stuff when we first got back together and many many times throughout our "courtship" but because we're confident in the core of attraction and chemistry to me anyway you don't have to feel that level of intensity to know you're with the right person romantically (yes, at times I still feel that way and I can totally go back to that time in my head and know it was real and is real) and you don't have to think "wow she's hot!!!" to feel chemistry . Certainly being repulsed is no good but feeling that overall chemistry doesn't require a focus on physical features -more like -to me - a "noticing" like noticing your partner is attractive looking, noticing his eyes, and sure I don't mind that at my age I'm physically fit and slim and cute enough and sure it's nice when he compliments me (and I do the same). Be brutally honest with yourself - how important are physical features to you - and consider in a long term relationship what if she loses those particular physical features -maybe gets a bit flabbier, doesn't lose baby weight for a few years, gets age spots or wrinkles and isn't into botox or potions. It's totally fine if you are a person who is very focused on certain physical features just like some people are very focused on certain sexual positions or ways of having sex -but your priorities will help you pick better and always be open to reevaluating your priorities. This woman deserves someone who thinks she's all that - and you don't -let her go. IMHO.

It's time to retrain the brain. Remind yourself of the present, live in the moment or at least that hour/that day. Also the rewards -meeting parents who you can network with in the future for your career (one of my best mentors was the mom of one of my kindergarten students when I was 23), the money you can save for your future or spend on something extra you want, etc. and you'll be more prepared for the Sunday stress some people get who work a traditional weekday job. I'm 57 and often anticipation of starting or continuing a work project is far worse than when I get myself seated and into it. And totally fine to bribe yourself for not dwelling. Also count your blessings -to like the work and your coworkers and to have such a healthy lifestyle gig - it's a bit unusual!

Thank you - I read this wrong. I thought the fiancee wanted to meet the ex one on one. I agree that a group meeting is fine but no need for one on one because of the obvious motives. My situation was the new wife wanting to meet me -the ex girlfriend (and no kids involved).

I think in an established or regular relationship there often is implied consent. I lived through the early 90s "Antioch college" rules of consent -I was way out of college but it was - really interesting how I think that one college came up with all of these guidelines for getting consent -each and every step of the way. I'm sure SNL did a skit on it. Certainly if two people just meet there should never be an assumption that intercourse is ok. But as others and I said if it's not verbally communicated before being in a private location with a new person or a change of plans like "sure you can sleep over but I'm just up for cuddling and smooching tonight, k? I was asked in a non pressured way by a couple of guys whether I was "sure" I didn't want to - and I simply confirmed and all was well. But yes it was verbal.

Say it by writing or typing it out then sending it to yourself. Your hard time isn't about her as a person but about you. I hope you feel better and more peaceful.

The next time you're having to play detective don't- don't play -at all - walk away -there is nothing healthy about what he had you do or what you did.