Cellisia

thank god!!!!! i'm glad everything is ok right now at least she can't get to you or anything

wowowow......ok....your own sister...firts of all,...i'm extremely sorry for what she and her firends hve done to you, you do not deserve to eb treated liek hat and she shoudl eb no where near you, i dont kwnow her eu live, but the police where i live are extremely stupid and wouldn't do anything int hsi situation, but if u are afriad ((which i would be too)) i would call the cops if she went to come by the house, iw ouldn't elt her in, lock all doors and window, dont even lsiten to whats he says if anything, just tyr to blcok her out of everyhting, i knwo how u feel abotu goign to ur friends and such, idt i woudl in ur situation eitherm, or i would just make it not soo obvious and plan a sleepover or somthign at one of my friends houses and such, but if thats impossible, alert the authorities, it'll amke u feel better/safer as well, if somthign does happen ro she does get intot he house, if she has a key ro somthing perhaps, lock urself in a room, dont elt her take advantage of u, idc if she is a grl haha, fight her if she tries to do anything, no one deserves to ahve this happen to them, especially repetitevly, try to contact ur uncle, and god, shame on ru parents for forgiving her and allowing ehr to possibly stop by, i know somtimes aprents dont get anythign what so ever, i just told my mom last yr, after 7 yrs that i was sexually harassed/violated from this guy when iw as young and bc he was 12 and i was like 8 or 7, she said it didnt' matter what so ever and i got really mad, tyr nto to hold it against them, they probably dont knwo any better, but it's nto right for them to just welcome ur sister abck with open arms, daughter or not, maybe u shoudl tlak to them, ur the victum ehre, they ahve to think about u, be careful!!

no, the last time i tlaked to a councelor at school it was absolute hell, i dont turts them i dont liek them and anyways i'm forbidden from seieng them anymore, i wont go intot hwta happened but it was bad....yeha i blocked my ex, and i told him i couldn't tlak to him for a veyr long while so i'm going to actually follow through with it this time...idk maybe in a few days i'll go and tlak to my mom, i doubt if my dad will even care, but i just dont wanttto b another problem for my mom to deal with...

I've been depressed extremely, worse then normal for the past month or so. The days just keep going from bad to worse, i wont go into detials on whats been happening, lets just sya i'm going through a extremely bad breakup with somone, and on top of it their suicidal now too. Theres been three main times, that i tlaked to him and we were pretty ok, i refused tot lak to him bc i told him that i needed time to let things cool down between us and i just couldn't argue with him everyday like we've been, he said ok, but yet he still tried tot lak to me, but there were 3 times, that i talked to him and all those times he went suicidal at the end, he was scaring me so much, making me think in one second, if he left the computer, he woudl leave me forever, well last night was the worst time. I had to call up mine and his friend, he a;lmost went over to his house, he was going to finish off a whole bunch of pills that were right in his pocket, i was ready to clal an ambulence, a suicide hotline, i didnt know what to do and at the same time, i wanted to hurt myself, bc the reason he's been so depressed is bc i wont agree to go bac out with him, and he has been delaing with it, by popping pills, and last night he was going to OD. I was the one tlaking to him trying to get him not to, didn't help too much, the onyl wya i helped was contacting our frined and he helped, but i really dont knwo what to do anymore, last night after he calmed down and he was ok and wasn;'t going to do anything i told him that i couldn't tlak to him for a veyr long while because i myself needed to get help, no i didn't cut myself or hurt myself, i gave myself a small rash that lasted a while bc my skin, idk why but it just, it felt like it was on fire, like i needed to scape it off the bone, so i did that, didn't really bleed too much, i stopped myself b4 i hurt myself, bc i really dont want to, but theres times like these, i feel like i have to. Idk why, i mena, i'm the friend, that all my friends go to for help if they're depressed, i'm the one tleling them nto to do anything and tot lak to me or somone else instead, i'm the one who almost killed my ex, the one i sitl love, almsot kille dhim last night and then ended up saving him, this is the second friend i had to do this with, oen of my toher good frineds almost killed herself an di had to clal up her parents to keep an eye on her. I have been suicidal and had bad thoughts before though, it's not just because of the people around me that make me this way, i used to even hurt myself subconsiously in my sleep, but u see, i dont want that to happen again....so this monring, i was going tot ell my mom, only when i went out there to do so...she was upset, she was fighting with my dad about my brother bc he's a recovering drug addict, 90days, and hes about to go to college, either in april or july, my mom wnats july to give him mroe time, my dad wnats april, my mom doens't think he's ready my dad thinks he is so she was almsot cyring, hoew could i have just out and come say mom i need to tlak to somone bc i wanted to hurt myself lats night, how am i supposed to say that when she's already upset and having nightmares and her own problems, hwo cna i do that to her? my dad would probably think i'd b doing this for atension, or bc it's just a phase an di'll get over it, neither of them knows about whats been going on with my ex and hwo it's affecting me, the only one that knows is my brother who is now in florida because last saturday i called him up yes in florida bc i felt as if i was going to hurt myself i was going through a breakdown and ididn't have naywhere to go, he udnerstands, he made me feel a bti better, but hwo cna i tlak to him, tlel him i need to go and see somone to get help b4 i do do somthing, when he's the reaosn why my parents are upset with eachother, it's about him and going to school, i cant tell him that the reaosn why i didn't go to mom was bc she was already upset bc of whats going on with him and college, how can i do that? so this is why, i'm sitting at my computer desk and writting this extremely long post because i dont knwo what to do or where to turn, i still feel extremely depressed like last night, maybe a step before wanitng to hurt myself, i admit it, i'm messed up, ever sinc ei was little i would even think of this stuff, but i never saw anyone but right now, i want to hrut myself, and i want to feel pain and idk what to do, i cant tell anyone right now or go anywhere or tlak to somone or try to get myself help, it's not possible right now, so does anyone have any ideas of how i can cope for at least a few more days so things maybe can cool down with my parents....

xDDDDDDDDD toooo bad he's the one who broke up with me xDDDD

yeha but i mena i can udnerstand him nto wanting to go bc all the psychologists he went to just tried to give him the smae thing and that mad ehim worse, it worsened his suicidal thoughts and he had to b taken of fof it, i'm going to try to get him to see a therapist or somthing, he thinks it's too late i'm trying to make him believe me that it isn't, idk i'm tyring to help him in anyw ay that i cna right now

I need help to help somone who i love. He's my bf, wlel ex bf now..he broke up with me a few days ago, but now wer eok, he wanted to go bac out with me but i told him no, bc he needs to get help. He goes into blind rages, he cant controll his anger and half the time he says things and relaly doesn't remember saying them, he's had this problem for a long while and it got worse when he had his cancer and tumour because that screwed up with his emotions badly...so i mean we've been going about for about a month and a week, well we did go out for a month and a week...he s going through a lot lately, he suffers from depression and high anxiety and of course the anger problem, his past is veyr bad, and his present isn't too much better, he wont open up to ppl and doens't want to go to a psychologist bc all they try to do is dope him up on medicine and he told me he was taken off it a few times bc it didnt help and even made his suicide thoughts worse. I mean he was cyring ont he phone to me appologising for the hurtful things he said to me during our breakup, but i told ihm i coudlnt' go ba cout with him, bc i myself am veyr emotional and have a problem with depression, now i dont but when somthing big liek this happeneds i dont get veyr good.....i wrote this bc i'm tyring to help him, he's tlaking to his sister who is training and going to shcool to b a psychologist i said maybe she knows somone who cna help him, idk but i was wonder if nayone on here cna help me try to find out any groups fo rlike stress or anger management or anything bc i would go with him to these groups, i love him and i want to tyr to help in any way that i can, saying no to bnot being with him killed me, it really did, but i cant let him go into one of these blind rages and gett all mad at me and then breka my herat again, but if anyone cna help me find any sort of group or meetings in P.A that would be so useful and if not if you have any advice please write to me, this si so hard, i'm nto sure if i'm doing the right thing or not an didk how to really help him, he thinks it's too late for him to get help i'm tyring to make him see that it's not, but it's really hard, please help in any way you can, it would mean a lto to me

ok hmm lets see.....it's good that u guys have been tlaking and sending pics and all that * * * * and everythings seems ok pretyt much...i run off as being extremely shy as well lol so i can udnerstand her a bit. You two def. need to meet in person lol, aks her to met u at like a cofee shop or somthing simple just to start off at, by her saying she's scared to meet u bc she doesn't think it'll work, thats understandable i can see why she said that, she may b afriad of a good thing turning bad, she might think that once u two meet eachother that it'll b the end, not a new beginning, i think in general she's just afriad, she kinda souns like me somtimes bc i catch myself feeling afriad just when i find out a guy i dont knwo like sm elolz, =[ as for her saying oh that explains a lot idk..i really dont udnerstand where that came from, maybe she's just overly afraid or somthing? i'm not sure really what to tell u....if u really do like her, and think that there is some chance, even if it;'s a small one, but some chance that it could work out then i would try and try just a bit harder perhapps, idk though...

*sighs deeply* okay this is going to be very very very confusing for anyone who dares to read whats going on with me right now lol. Okay well this has been going on for a very very long time, first for years i was anti love and relationships, just seeing other peoples relationships falling apart made me depressed, even if it wasn't happening to me, seeing all the problems and all the * * * * ppl have to deal with, i didn't want anything to even do withit, i'd get discusted when hearing ppl tell eachother they love one another, when they probably dont, hearing it every single day, i love you, it sickened me for a long while. until one yr i took a chance and went out with this guy, everyone was liek wow, thats a BIG change, everyone knew me to b anti love, i soon ended it bc i was afriad, i was scared to b in any kind of relationsjip, i was a bit heartbroken bc the next day when i went o fix things with the guy he was already back out with his ex gf, so there was a veyr big conflict, which made me hate love more and more and just hate anything to do with it love or not, anything, and then i met up with a very veyr veyr old friend, one i havent seen in years like 6 yrs lol and i started to like him, alot, i was surprised at myself, how much he changed me, i would do things differently say things i knew i never would, it took me a while, but i even found myself saying the words i used to hate, i love you, i thought i was going absolutly nuts at first, the thoughts of it ending did cross my mind, a few times, but i forced mysef not to look at that and just love what i have ight now, my heart was in controll and my mind was in cloud nine, obviously u knwo where this is going, he broke up with me after a month of going out, he broke up with me for some 9th grade * * * * too......this is where i am right now, feeling so much hate and anger and depression and lost and lonely and confused beyond belief. This is where hte title of this post comes in mind, i am having conflict with ym mind and my heart, either i'll b totally out there sharing my emotions and actually finding myself caring for somone or missing somone so much or just saying i love you and being so happy that i coudl cry, i did cry once or twice bc of it, bc of the feeling i never felt, that i couldn't think i could even feel before, i felt it, and i wanted it to never end, but it did, either i'll b that way, or i'll b anti love, * * * * all those guys out there, bc i have never had one who cared about me like they really said they did, i never had somone to not lie to me and actually tell me the truth....i mean my mind is telling me * * * * him he doesn't love u or care about u like he says he can, dont trust him dont believe him ur only making urself get hurt in the end and u know it will eventually end, and my heart is saying but when he says it, it really sounds like he means it, and..do i really love him..idk yet...i cant even describe what this feeling is, could it b love...is it even possible..i think i really do love him, i mean it 's absolutly nuts, it's driving me crazy, just listening to my heart then to my mind it's like i'm fighting with myself all the time!!!!!! i'll b like *looks at a skirt* eww i never wear those damned things anyways so why should i even start, then my heart will b like well maybe a guy ro somone will notice u, take a chance make urself noticed, then my mind will b all well hmpft yeah right like ANYONE even notices me to begin with i'd rather save the humilitaion of being in a skirt i hate those things anyways, i tried last week to make myself more noticed, and what did that do? * * * * thats what lol, i mean litterally, my friend will do my hair all weird and get me to look kinda girly *which i hate* and all just to impress a stupid guy or even b noticed, * * * * that lol, that what my mind is saying * * * * that lol but my heart wants to b noticed...i mean i guess it wouldn't b sooo bad if a guy actually for onced noticed me instead of being the one who *jumps out of their seat* holy * * * * who the hell is she? i didn't even knwo she was in my class i mean for gods sake i have to listen about all my friends say on how they've been together with a guy for like a yr now which i am happy for them but why cant i have that, or that 3 * * * *ing guys asked them out and she cant * * * *ing choose which one to go with, just choose one alreayd and stop * * * *ing complaining bc ur even lucky that guys notice u at all, there lucky they get noticed, but w/e i do i just cant, i am litterally invisible to the guy species i mena i know some of u will b all aww well u'll find somone someday or aww ur not invisible to them and blah blah blah but i really am!!!! it's so stupid it's not even funny, my mind says screw them all to hell and my heart is aching bc i'm not even noticed by anyone nevermind guys, some of my friends dont even notice me sometimes, and then i ahve to worry about the damned guys, well screw that....but in the end i still find myself saying it wouldn't b so bad...just to b noticed...just once.....theres no inbetween for me on love and hate, either i hate love or i love love but thres no mutual inbetween stage for me even if i try it's either i hate it or i love it, i cant find a * * * *ing balence lol

wow...lilgothicdevil u sound in alot of ways...alot like me like alot alot...i understand alot of everything, sure my problems are a bit different, but if u ever need to talk just PM me or somthing, i know alot of how u feel....although i never cut, i find myself staring at the cieling thinking of ways to die or kill myself......i kinda got lost within myself for a long long while until i snapped back into reality again, but i'm debating weather or not to go there again, bc like u said, i like feeling numb as well, having no feelins, no emotions and just not really caring anymore, to me life right now doesn't seem to b worth living......

wow....i'm worse today than yesterday but i'm clamed down now...but i still dont get it? how can your best friend, somoen who's supposed to b ur best friend, somone who u have been throughe evrything with how could they tel u to "wake up and stop thinking the world is after u and the world suck" and that they "cant deal with you right now" i have been there throughthin=ck and thin witht his persona dni ahve neevr said that to them not ever, saying that make sme worse, how can a friend say that ur too depresed and that they cant deal with u? i told he ri dont want tot lak abotu ti but she just keeps on pushing and pushing me and it's not helping me i dont want to loose her a s a friend, but god, this si making me worse, alot worse, how?how could a bets friend, tell u to grow up when ur life is falling apart?dont u have the right to be depressed?dont u ahve the right to cry or to bledd? to feel sad or mad?i think u do, but she has gotten into a fight with me, all on because i need to grow up and stop hating the world, my life sucks, it's been doomed since the very day i was bron, and she knows that i have it very hard, u all knwo i ahve it hard theres things i havent even discussed and somtimes u seem to understand more than my bets friend, she went throughthe same hting, os i figured she would undertsand, but no she's just like the rest of them.......i have 3 friends who would neevr say that they couldn't deal with me, that woudl just b there for me and listen to me when i'm upste, she used to do that but now she's just tleling me to grow up and open my eyes and stop being so depressed, it's not like i dont try, it's nto like i'm nto getting help, it's nto liek i dotn want to b happier, i do, i really do try, iam trying, but she's not helpingme what so ever, and she just wont drop it, i cant tlak to her without her getting into our fight or my problems, i know i have problems i dont want to tlaka bout how messe dup iam and my life is 24/7

O.O okay passing the summer by with sex, drugs and beer is NOT the way to handle this lol, i may b young and only like 14 but i know thats def. bad and wont make anything better or take the apin away if anything it'll make things worse...alot worse...trust me u dont want to do that! lol i know what u mean by u dont trust anyone...my dad goes out of town like every other week, he uses it to get drunk and god onyl knwow hat else my mom even thinks somtimes he's cheating on her i wouldn't pass it by...i knwo how u feel but nonono do not do that just to pass things b....bc it wont work lol

they fight about naything and everything...it's rediculous, when one of us does somthing wromng all of us gets scolded for it it's too much too exsplain i;d write a book...actualy i ahve lol, one with allt he most tragic things i gues sin my point of view that have happened

*sighs deeply* wlel there fighting again....i'm fighting with ym best friend.....one of my closests friends and the guy i like is very upset.....god why cant i do anything about any of this

hmmm i guess i would like to talk about hmmm idk alot of things are bad that happened or happen in my life...but i guess my number one thing right now is my depression