Kevin T

I've been thinking a lot about the way I dress. And I've been thinking that maybe it has been harming me (more than helping me) in regards to girls. I notice that I tend to dress very formally compared to many of my colleagues at school. Maybe it puts girls off, I don't know. I generally wear dress shirts, usually with jeans. Don't usually tuck in the shirt, but sometimes, if I'm feeling really spiffy, I will. I will occasionally wear different types of pants, but very rarely. I never wear hats, especially baseball caps. I don't even own one! lol I usually wear a dark trench coat, which right off the bat puts me in the minority. I don't mind being different from the pack, not at all (I used to pride myself on my individuality, nor would I like everyone to imitate me), but I get so many looks from people (girls AND guys), I have to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. As I said already, I dress quite differently from most, if not all, guys I go to school with. With girls, there's mainly two types of girls at school, in terms of dress: Girls who wear sweats, don't fix their hair or wear make-up. They're pretty common, which is fine. (I understand, why dress up just to go to class?) And the other type is the exact opposite; wearing nice, fairly fancy clothes, make-up, doing their hair, etc. And they're not uncommon either. (I guess they want to look nice, in case they meet a cute guy... or just for themselves.) And that's cool, since I tend to be the same way. But it's different for us guys. There's pretty well only one type of guy at school: He shaves everything third day, wears sweatshirts or t-shirts and jeans. Oh, and always baseball caps. I haven't seen too many other guys (if any) dressing as I do. So it's a problem, not because I want to fit in, but because I think it may only be hurting me with girls. After all, people are going to be put off by the oddball who dresses oddly. No one wants to date the oddball. Or maybe I'm being too self-conscious, I don't know. It won't affect how much I continue to try with girls, I will still be the same me with them, and work to approach them and overcome my shyness with them. But I was thinking about this today; maybe I dress 'too nice' for them. Maybe it's like I try to hard. I always shave, always wear a little cologne, always make sure I'm wearing clean, nice clothes. Maybe it's too much? Maybe it's time I tossed the ol' trench coat in the closet, put the dress shirts away and threw on some old t-shirts and stopping shaving for a few days, huh? lol

I think it's better for someone to just "disappear" and cut contact than it is to string someone along, with false hopes. That's far more cruel and insidious.

Without pilfering others' comments, I have to agree that humour is quite important. It's not THE most important thing I look for, but without a sense of humour and the ability to take life easy, smile and laugh, I'd say a relationship won't go far (unless two people have NO sense of humour). The good thing is, most people I've met do have a sense of humour and know how to laugh and have a good time. I think people WITHOUT a sense of humour are definitely in the minority.

I wouldn't stay with a woman who was into going to strip clubs and whatnot. Sure, she's entitled to do whatever her little heart desires. Just as I am entitled to choose to be with someone who doesn't spend her time there. It doesn't sit well with me, so I'd have to move on and find someone who doesn't go to such places, the instant I learned of her taste in such activities.

lol I want to see someone say that when they're 80!

Are you referring to Simon? He's not so bad, once you get to know him. lol

Absolutely. Women hate passivity. It's an INSTANT attraction-killer for them. It's like annoucing to the world (namely, the female populace); "I have no balls." Women don't want to date neutered men.

But I bet you have a lot of good qualities that women desire, right? Try to remind yourself of those, when you get discouraged. As for where a relationship will come from, that I don't know. I'm not God.

I'm getting there, Ellie. It is a process. Everyday is a process. It's part of a process of choosing to stay positive and hopeful, even if things don't go my way. It's part of a process of working to better myself and it's part of a process to keep at it even when I don't feel like it.

Soul = personality. It is a window because you can tell a lot about a personality (sometimes more than you wish) by looking at their eyes. Women are especially astute at this.

Shyness is highly correlated with a lack of confidence and being passive. I don't know of too many shy, yet bold and confident guys.

For who, you may ask? Well, it would take more time than I have (plus I really tired as I type this, so I'll be as succinct as possible). As many of you probably know, a lot of my topics have revolved around my shyness/insecurity about my looks, and thus, my behaviour with women, and subsequent singleness as a result of such behaviour. Well, there have been more than a few of you who have been kind and encouraging to me - and you know who you are - and I thank you. I truly appreciate it. And there have also been those who have been not-so kind, yet your words rang true and you did your best to help me - not by giving me what I wanted to hear, but by telling me the truth, no matter how harsh it was. You too, I wish to thank because it was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that I was bringing 90% of my problems with women on myself. That's right, I fully acknowledge it. It was my poor attitude about myself and my own self-limiting beliefs (mainly about my shyness, etc.) that were holding me back. But you wouldn't let me off the hook so easily, and instead, you made sure I heard it so many times that it finally stuck in; you know, the part about it being something I could change, something I could control. Your so-called "tough love" was a great asset to me, and I genuinely thank each of you who has told me the harsh truth - that I was really my own worst enemy, and had none save myself to blame for my singleness with women. You were 100% right and I thank you for your patience with me, during my lapse of temporary self-pity. And for those who said I was good looking, I appreciate that too. It meant a lot to me. I really appreciated it. It helped me realize that it was mostly all in my head, and I've got a lot going for me. Plus, I've also come to realize that confidence, the way you carry yourself, attitude and boldness with women goes as far as you let it. If you become serious about approaching women and improving yourself (which I have, BTW, thanks to several of you guys' help), then things can DRASTICALLY improve for you in a VERY small period of time. I'm not even close to where I'd like to be yet, but I'm getting there. And it all starts with believing in yourself, stopping the self-pity, acknowledging that you CAN change things yourself, not allowing yourself to fear or doubt, then just countering negative, self-defeating thoughts with positive optimistic ones. If I can change, then surely there is hope for almost anyone. The only reason why change was so difficult for me before was because I ACTIVELY resisted it and always retreated back to a point of comfort (or safety) rather than taking risks by approaching strange women and so on. But no more! I'm not saying I'm the best with women, nor do I wish to be, but I no longer fear approaching girls I don't know and when I do approach them, I can be confident and charming, without seeming phony. And it's all because I decided to make a change and stuck with it. But I think it would've been a lot tougher without good advice from many of you. So thanks a lot. edit: I should also mention that I now asking girls for their numbers right on the spot, after meeting them. I never would've been able to do that six months ago, or even two months ago. In many respects, I honestly feel like a totally different person - which is good!

Eyes are the window to the soul... or lackthereof.

I can't think of anything "odd" or out-of-the-ordinary that I find attractive in girls. Except, maybe, for height. I tend to really be drawn to petite girls (as far as height is concerned). I find girls between 5' - 5 '4" to be quite sexy, as a rule.

There's nothing wrong with a guy being "pushy." It's one thing to be a guy who approaches someone he likes, another to simply not take "no" for an answer. The former being good, the latter being bad. By assertive, we're talking going up to a pretty girl (or someone you fancy) and chatting her up, maybe flirting a bit and even getting her number or a date. If more "nice" guys did this, they would be getting dates instead of lamenting their own shyness/niceness/whatever. I just think it's sad how people say you can only be one of two categories: A) "Nice" guy who gets nowhere with women. or B) "Jerk" who gets all the women. I dislike how just because the nice guys may not be able to get a date (usually do to them doing the wrong thing) that all the guys who automatically get dates are "jerks." Seems kind of biased, don't you think? Of course women want someone who will treat them well, but they also want a man who will be a man and approach them, be confident, charming and fun. They don't want a yesman who will do exactly as she says, never take risks or be difficult and never do anything out of the ordinary.

The problem is that most "nice" guys aren't assertive with women. They usually (more oft than not) try to buy women off with gifts, shower them with compliments, never speak up for themselves and generally feel insecure about themselves. They tend to be shy, passive and unsure of themselves... especially when it comes to the fairer sex. Those are all, obviously, deal-breakers for any sensible, self-respecting woman. Women don't want a puppy to follow them around and jump when she says so. They want fun, challenge, excitement, mystery and chemistry. The nice guy tries way too hard with nice gestures and ideas to compensate for the lacking aforementioned desirable characteristics, with women. Thus, women find him unattractive, but a great "friend." They like him and think he's a "great guy", but "I just don't think of him that way."

Settling never leads to happiness. Only heartache, loneliness and divorce. Not worth it.

Another reason why I moved back was because renting is such a waste of money. You're basically paying someone else's mortage and have nothing to show for it. Truly a waste of hard-earned money.

My parents both look a good ten to fifteen years younger than they actually are, so I don't think I've got much to be worried over.

I moved out this past year. It was time. But since I'm still in school full-time, working full-time and going to school full-time proved to be too problematic. I had to work to keep a roof over my head, but I was missing way too much school. So I decided it was in my best interests to quit my horrible job and move back home until I graduate from university. Then, I can move out and be independent. Truthfully, I hated living alone anyway. Boring, depressing, tedious, dull and lonely. Not for me. Not sure how people can live by themselves and enjoy it. Must be much less of a people person than I. I dunno...

Try not to take it personally.

See if he contacts you tomorrow. If not, then you know. Even if you have been stood up, it's not the end of the world as you know it. There are plenty of great guys out there.

I've seen girls I think are good looking with glasses, but I've seen more good looking girls without glasses. I guess it all depends on the person. Some people can pull off the look, others can't. Either way, it's not a deal-breaker for me.

Did he give you a time tomorrow? If so, see if he shows tomorrow. If not, you've been stood up.