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Posts posted by Gracelove

  1. Hey There Guys!!!!


    How's it going?


    Thanks for the replies.




    Hey there I don't take the matter to be a joke. If you read my other posts you'll be able to see how seriously rape has affected my life.

    However, I'm honest, and what I wrote in this post hopefully reflects how I feel.


    I certainly am not flippant about the matter.


    My post may seem light-hearted, but that's exactly the way I want to feel.


    I'm tired of being depressed, ashamed, and living in agony and despair.


    If "Flippant" is how I come accross, then so be it.

    I have to get through this in a way that I am able.


    Thanks for you support. It feels good to know that I'm not alone.




    Thanks for you support too!!! I'll let you know how it goes.



    Thanks for reaching out to me in the posts. I really appreciate it.

    I guess my mind has been going in different directions lately.


    But I am sooooo excited about reporting the rape.


    I feel really good about myself right now.

    I refuse to allow myself to feel discouraged or bad.


    I'm on a roll right now, I'm am going to keep going.


    How are you doing now? After your rape.

    Have there been points and times where you felt everything was going well, just to hit another low?


    Do you still have thoughts about the rape or do you pretty much no longer think about it?


    I'll definitely PM you sometime.


    I'll go to the station tomorrow so.....I don't know.

    I don't know how I'll feel afterwards.


    Well see.

  2. Tomorrow's the day, ahhhh!!!!


    I'll be at the police station reporting the rape, crazy huh?


    Well, my goal is not to really think about it, ya know.

    Just go in there and say what I know.




    I wish I could do it today, ya know. I would so do it today, get it over with.

    But tomorrow will be here soon enough.


    N-eway, I've been watching a realllllly funny clip to relax me.


    If you guys get the chance you should go to YouTube and type in "Fat Baby Leg".

    Then click on the first clip that comes up.

    It's hilarious!!!!

    It's been keeping me laughing today.


    However I feel a little light-headed today, you know.

    It's so embarrasing for me, describing the rape to people.

  3. Hey Guys! It's me.


    I don't really want to say how I'm feeling, ya know.


    I could say all sorts of things, because I have so many feeling inside of me right now.


    But I have to go to the police station in a couple of days and I have to keep myself together.


    I don't know, I don't want to say anything negative.


    I don't want to feel angry or scared. I don't just want to let myself go, you know?


    I'm almost there.



    Thanks guys for all of your support!!!!





  4. Hey There Aminae!


    I would say that you were date-raped.


    I had some of the same symptoms, and today my therapist told me that she believes I was given GHB.


    You were disoriented like I was, everything was blurry, I couldn't stand up on my own after a while, I was in and out of consciousness.

    It was horrible.

    And I lost feeling in my arms and legs.


    The rape was so painful that is brought me back to consciousness.

    It was un-necessarily (spelling?) rough.


    I can totally relate to feeling scared.

    It's awful.


    Hey There Celticghirl!!!


    I feel so sorry for you, I can totally relate to the whole boyfriend thing.

    I was in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. Only I didn't say, "No".

    It was an abusive relationship and was at the point where what he'd say would go.

    He was unstable.

    He told me my options (oral or intercourse).

    Instead of saying no, I said nothing, and let him have intercourse with me.

    I wasn't aroused or anything, so it was extremely painful.

    I just laid there and silently cried.


    You should be proud that you said, "no".

    You didn't deserve to be beaten.


    It's good you were strong enough to speak up for yourself despite the consequences.

    I wasn't strong enough to do so at that time.


    You have frightening flashbacks?

    I can related to you there as well.

    Except that I don't have them frequently.

    I don't allow myself to think about the details, I'm fortunate because for the most part I have a choice in the matter.

    But there are times where I can't control the flashbacks, they slip-up anyways.


    Hold on to those flashbacks though, they are memories.


    The parts I remember about the rape, I appreciate, ya know.

    I choose not to acknowledge them most times but I'm glad that I at least remember some parts.


    Hang in there, you're not alone.


    Hey There Rose2summer!!!


    I'm feeling okay I guess.

    I've made a decision to report the rape so, that's that I suppose.


    I'm ready to move on in my life.


    I have been having a range of emotions lately.

    I feel sorrowful, yet more powerful.

    I feel ready.

    Ready to face my fears. Ready to face my emotions.


    Whatever happens, happens ya know.

    I can't run anymore.

    If I have a slight breakdown, so be it. If more difficulties come, so be it.


    I'm just ready to get this part over with.


    I'm a little anxious. I wish I could go tomorrow, but that won't be the case.


    I feel like screaming. I don't know why, but I do.


    I can't believe it, ya know. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am.



    Well, we'll see what happens.


    Thanks for sharing your story, and thank you for letting me know that it does get better with time.


    I really need to hear that at times.

    I have nothing to lose, and much to gain.


    Hey There JimmerJammer!


    I must say, that it sounds like you're almost regretful that you haven't tried to drug a girl in order to "get her".


    Are you looking to actually have a relationship with a girl one day?

    Because let me tell you, rape isn't the beginning of a beautiful relationship.


    It's destroying someone's world, and bringing them more pain than they ever could have fathomed.


    By "get girls" are you referring to sex? Because there are other methods of getting sex.

    A man could go somewhere and pay for sex.


    There is nothing admirable about drugging girls.

    Don't even consider it as a way to "get girls".

    It's wrong, and heinous, and horrible.


    Hey There Aurian!!!


    Thank you for your reply, I like your thinking. And I totally agree with you

  5. I'm reporting the rape!!!


    Can you believe it?!!!! I'm finally ready! I'm not afraid of it any longer.


    I'm going to go down there, give a report, and whatever happens, happens.


    I don't expect a trial because there is no physical evidence.

    But if there is a trial so-be-it.


    I'm doing this for me.


    I have to get my life back, and I believe that this is a part of the process for me.


    I've already made an appointment and I'm ready to go!


    I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

    I'm excited because I feel like this will give me some type of closure. I'm excited because I feel brave, no longer powerless.


    Nervous, well that's natural. Who wouldn't be a little nervous about such a major turning point in there life?


    Wish me luck!!!!

  6. Maybe you should discuss the trip with your girlfriend, ya know, let her know how you feel.

    Without, of course, calling her friends, unpleasant names.


    Your relationship is new, so there is still a lot you guys have to learn about each other.


    Maybe she's used to having trips or spending special time with girlfriends.


    If you want to spend time with her during the new season/New Years, then discuss that with her.


    You have to be open and considerate in relationships. You'll also have to compromise from time to time, and the two of you can reach a decision together.


    I do know that relationships vary as due people. Some people believe that having a boyfriend or girlfriend is just like dating.

    If you want to go to the movies, or dinner, then that person is there for things of that nature.

    And that person also has priorty over any other people you might be dating.


    I personally view a boyfriend to be someone you are in a committed relationship with, but that's just my perception.


    Depending upon the way you and your girlfriend percieve girlfriend/boyfriend relationships to be; you may or may not have to worry about her kissing other guys while in Cancun.


    If you are both on the "same page" in regards to what "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" really is, then you shouldn't have any reason to worry.


    Unless that is, she isn't trust-worthy.


    And if you can't trust her, then you don't really have a stable relationship to begin with.


    And if you want to stay with her for the long run, then you need to discuss the trust issues.

  7. There is this girl I've known since childhood.


    She always seemed to like me, but as a child I wasn't too fond of her.


    We would play together, but she was always getting into trouble, so we were opposites (this is like when we were 5 years old).


    N-Eways we've been around each other since birth.

    Our mothers were pregnant around the same time and we were christened (spelling?) together as infants.


    She stated that her mother used to constantly compare her to me when we were children and it apparently upset her.

    However I wasn't around when that occurred, and I couldn't have controlled that anyways.


    [Just a little background information].


    She is untrustworthy. She lies. She tries to sabotage me any chance she gets. She's extremely negative, and loves to put me down.

    Most friends are happy when something is going well for you in life...she, on the other hand, is joyful when everything is going bad for me.


    My dad thinks that she is a wonderful friend, because she's always around to help me.


    But how does she help me? If I invite her somewhere, she'll go.

    But that's about it. I don't get it. I don't socialize with her anymore anyways.


    She'll do things for my dad if he asks her to, but that's all about appearance and perhaps money.


    She helped me move into my apartment months ago, but my dad paid her.


    I mean, when she does things like that, it's really sweet.

    I appreciate when she helps.


    But the bad far out weighs the good.


    I can't trust her, I have to watch what I say around.


    If I was a super-star, she'd sell all of my secrets to the tabloid.

    Actually, in addition to that, she'd make lies, and sell those to the tabloids.


    In the past, she has lied to others in an attempt to destroy "my image".


    Don't get me wrong, I love her, I consider her to be somewhat like a sister, and if she ever needed help, I'd be there to help her.....


    Am I really supposed to still be her friend because we've known each other since childhood????


    Or should we just be long-distance aquaintances?

  8. I have this horrible feeling inside.


    Today was a good day. Then I wanted to see this movie with my boyfriend.


    We were looking at Pay-per-view.


    The movie is called "The perfect fit".


    It looked really interesting ya know.

    But it wasn't that good...not for me.


    It reminded me of bad time in my life.

    And there's this part, where the girl doesn't want to have sex, and her boyfriend makes her to it anyways.


    I had a similar situation with my ex.


    It wasn't rape in my case, because I didn't say, "no", but it was so horrible.


    The relationship was horrible.

    I had a major breakdown in that relationship.

    And it got to the point where what he said, went.


    He gave me an option, I could either perform oral on him, or have intercouse with him.

    Just thinking about it makes me feel so horrible!


    So, I chose intercourse....

    I can't tell you have it feels...to be so beat down that you can't fight back.


    I lost my world then, I lost all strength. I learned not to speak, not to fight back....I learned to be owned.


    And he had intercourse with me, and I just laid there feeling horrible.

    I laid there, motionless and in pain, while he shoved himself into me.


    I wasn't wet or anything, and he just shoved himself inside of me, over and over again.

    And I couldn't do anything.......


    And I feel horrible.


    And then later on....I'm raped by a complete stranger, and I can't do anything.

    He told me that I told him, "no", and he did it anyways.


    And it felt so good at first, to know that I said, "no". To know that, at least this time, I was able to say something.


    Nevermind that my words didn't mean much....that was no surprise.


    Those men....the first two men I had intercourse with....it makes me so sad.

    And I know that the second one isn't called intercourse because it was rape, but I don't know what to call it.


    And now I'm in a great relationship, with a wonderful person.

    And I actually like intercourse with him, I'm safe ya know.

    I'm safe.....and I know that nothing bad will happen to me.


    We don't have intercourse right now though, who knows when we will.


    I just......

    It's nice to have a pleasant experience with intercourse.

    With someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.


    After that movie, I tried to think of the type of person I would be without my current boyfriend.


    I would be paranoid.

    I would be scared.

    I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.


    And now....

    School is starting for my boyfriend, and he'll still be working full-time, and I won't be able to see him much....


    I depend on him ya know. I've been with him since a week after my rape.


    Without him I have no one, no one I can trust, no one who I can reach through-out the day and talk to.

    No one who will listen.


    And now I'm more scared than ever.


    Why am I alive?

    I mean, I'm not suicidal or anything, not at all, but why am I alive?


    What's the point?


    I mean....why?!!!!!!


    Why did this have to happen to me?!!!!


    Am I so horrible.

    To be controlled, and stalker, and mistreated, and harassed, and assulted, and raped!


    What have I done?


    I've always tried to be kind to others, obeident to parents, and this is my life.


    And I'm going to be alone, I have to face that now.

    I have to be alone with me now.


    All alone.........


    How am I going to do it?!


    I mean, look in the mirror and see this girl!

    Get dressed up, wear nice clothes, go to work, and for what?!

    To provide for me???


    Am I worthy of that?


    Do you know what I'll think? Of men who want to flirt, etc.


    I'll look at them, and know they can over-power me, abuse me, and I'm not strong enough to do anything about it.

    How can I look people in the face knowing that?



    How can I go outside knowing that?

    Because that's my life, my existence.


    And I spend my days thinking of ways to distract myself.

    And I go to school, that horrible place, the place where everything occurred.

    My ex could still be there for all I know.


    And I don't want to be there, I don't.


    I don't want to go to school there!!!!!


    And everybody is pushing me!!!! "You're almost done, right? You're so close right?"


    And there is that girl! That girl who knows what happened to me and doesn't care! That girl...who's going to be in that office.

    That girl!!!!!


    That girl that I thought was my friend.

    A true friend, possible a close friend.


    And what in the world makes me think that I deserve anything!!!!!!

    Those that know me want to hurt me, to abuse me, and I don't know what i do wrong!


    I don't know, I don't know....

    I'm just me.

    At one time I thought I was too nice, but that's not it.


    I'm just living, I guess that's it.


    and I don't want to think about it, I don't want to think about being alone, I don't want to be alone, alone in this world, alone and vunerable.

    Alone, all alone.

    and I'm scared, so scared!!!!


    I don't want to do this anymore.

    I want to crawl under a rock.

    and just stay there.

    And let life pass me by.


    And maybe I would, but I don't want to be anymore of a disappointment to my parents than I already am.

  9. Thank you so much for always replying to my posts.


    Today is an espicially rough day for me.


    Actually I don't know anything about him aside from his name and where he went to school.

    I do know that his family lives in Florida though.


    I haven't done any research, but maybe I can see if I can find his name on the internet.


    A civil trial is definitely out of the question for me. I don't want my parents to be financially strained because of me, they're already doing too much.


    I would definitely be interested in any information you have.


    I never considered having my parents contact his family, that's a pretty good idea. They should at least know what he's up too.


    My ex-friend never mentioned anything about his parents passing away, I just always assumed they were still living.


    But ya....I guess that's it.

    Maybe I should see if I can find something about him on the internet.


    It's just so hard ya know, I don't want to see his face.


    I know he was involved in his school's newspaper, he mentioned it a lot at the dinner.


    No, I don't mind if you PM me.


    Thanks for all of your support.


    Have a great night.

  10. Hey There n83!


    Just a note*


    If his penis is that small he probably won't be able do it "doggy style". In all honesty it probably won't reach.

    Espicially if you have a bottom.


    If you fall in love with him, you fall in love, and you can work things out.


    But if you aren't that interested leave it alone.

    Do you think he would ever be able to impregnate (spelling?) you if you decided to have children?


    I know their are other ways to get pregnant these days, but do you think he'd be able to do it naturally?

  11. I'm not exactly sure why I was depressed before the rape.


    I know that when I was younger, I had the feeling that I was never quite good enough.


    Um, I was in an abusive relationship prior to the rape, it wasn't physical abuse....but I know that abuse is abuse regardless.


    I know I was feeling depressed before the rape, but the rape definitely made it worse.

    I had never been diagnosed with major depression or anxiety disorder before the rape...

    and my life, I don't think had ever hit such a low.


    But I am feeling like more of a survivor these days, that's a definite plus.


    I actually see a future ahead of myself, and it's looking pretty bright.


    I think I'm getting over the whole weight thing too!

    I'm not going to focus on the losing weight part.

    I'm going to focus on a very special trip I want to take and not focus on losing the weight.

    That way I won't get scared.


    I mean I could always carry around a knife in my purse as well.

    Or maybe take a self-defense class.


    I really just wish there was some way I could sue the man who raped me.

    I just want him to pay.

    I would have to go through the trama of a trial though.


    However I am getting stronger and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to go through with it sometime soon.


    But I guess that's besides the point right now.


    I don't know, life has gotten a lot better, but for some reason it's still pretty sad.

  12. Do you think that if people weren't so into celebrities that they'd feel better about themselves?



    I know that's a really random question, but I'm just wondering.....


    Things seems a little drab right now.

    They're getting better and worse at the same time, at least that's what it feels like.


    I know I've made a lot of progress.....

    But at the same time I feel a little down on myself.


    There are so many things I want to do like....

    dye my hair, get a job, stop eating, etc.


    I'm getting so tired of food, it's just a natural phase I go through.


    do you ever just feel like your mind is in "brain-drain" mode?

    Like it's currently on it's own personal vacation?


    I think I need friends.

    I have a lot of aquaintances, but not really friends.


    Two of my closest friends have children now...that definitely puts me out of the picture.


    I love them, and we'll always be close friends, but now that babies are in the picture, I'm out of it for the most part.


    I just know what to do, I'm moving towards goodness, I feel it, but it's taking longer than I'd like, to get there.

  13. Hey There Rose!!!


    I'm actually in counseling right now, but sometimes it seems so slow moving.

    I'm interested in attending rape-counseling, but where I currently live, I have to wait until September to join.


    I'm sorry for what happened to you as well.


    It's so hard to deal with, I thought I was getting better....

    then all of a sudden I just started eating again...

    eating until I feel sick, but I keep eating.


    I realized that I'm so afraid to be thin, how will I get over it?


    I can't keep eating myself sick.


    But then just thinking about being thin again makes me feel sick to my stomach.


    I feel trapped.


    And I still have to function in the real world as well.


    I'll have to get a job soon, and start school.

    I'm so afraid it will all overwhelm me, that I won't make it, ya know.


    I'm trying so hard, but sometimes I feel so inadequate.


    Maybe I'll look for a self-defense class, with a woman teacher.


    I just feel like crying, it's like you think things are getting better, then sometimes unpleasant things re-occur.


    I don't know what to do anymore.

  14. I'm eating again.


    I'll stop soon, but I'm so scared to lose weight.

    I don't want to feel vunerable, and I know I will.

    How am I supposed to handle that?


    If I was big when I was raped then I probably would have no problem losing weight.


    I'm not fat now, but still, I'm not the size I used to be.


    How do I get rid of this paranoid fear?

    When I get small I'll probably be thinking about getting raped 24/7


    More men making passes, etc.


    I don't have a gun, I don't even know where my pocket knife is, how in the world am I suppose to feel able to protect myself.


    When I'm smaller, a person could pick me up and throw me if they wanted to.....


    I'm so scared.


    Part of me wants to be "normal" again, but part of me wants to stay my size, or maybe be a little bit bigger.


    I'm so scared guys, what should I do?


    P.S. I feel sick again

  15. Thanks for all of your love and support.


    You're replies are so sweet and helpful.


    I don't know exactly where I'm going.

    My confidence has increased, but at the same time things have become complex.


    I don't know what stage I'm at or what personal planet I'm in......


    I have school ahead of me, but I feel completely unresponsive to the whole idea.


    How am I supposed to complete school right now???


    How will I do it...I don't know.


    I feel like part of me is growing, but I need a bigger pot.


    I feel stuffed, stuffed into a small space.


    I don't even know if I feel like I'll be able to take care of myself.


    I feel like I'm in a daze.....

    like the numbness is leaving, but things are still very hazy.


    I don't know what to do.

    I don't think I'm really able to cry anymore.


    I think that hardness I never had is starting to develop, and not in a bad way...

    I care less about what others think of me.


    What do I think of myself?


    Do I think about the rape still?

    Yes, in all honesty.....

    I'd like to pretend that it's all behind me now, but it's not.


    I feel like there are so many people that I'll disappoint.

    my parents, teachers, my dean....

    people who have been kind to me, tolerant of me...patient with me.


    Maybe I'm not growing fast enough.


    Everyone seems to think I'm able to do certain things, but I don't know that they are right...


    How do I change what I am to please others?

    Although I care less of what they think I still don't want to hurt them.


    How do I say, this is who I am, I'm sorry I'm not better?


    How do I apologize for who and what I am?


    I'm at a loss......


    I'm trying to be comfortable in my own skin, and by the grace of God, it's happening.


    How do I continue to heal without worrying about those who will....tire of standing by my side?

  16. I feel awful, like used goods.


    I don't know guys, things aren't going well.

    My boyfriend cancelled the wedding date.


    That was something I was excited about, I did all of the planning.


    Today...I can't stop crying. I just can't. And since he mentioned my therapy appointments, I feel like...used goods, like no one wants to be with a rape victim.


    So I've been raped.

    So what?

    I can't help that.


    And I try, I try, I try to be as normal as possible.


    I mean, what more can I give?


    He says he finds me desirable, but I don't believe him.


    And we made agreements, commitments, and now his have changed.


    I met him one week after I was raped, and I guess I just depended on him for too much....for my safety, for security.


    And I love him so much. But now my safety and security is gone, so I don't know what to do.


    I feel so bad.

    I feel like being raped has made me less of a person.


    I mean I'm not good enough anymore.

    I'll never be good enough anymore.


    No matter how much weight I lose, no matter what clothes or makeup I wear...I'll still be that person, forever, I can't change anything about it


    I just feel so worthless.


    And I want him to want to make out with me. I want to feel normal. I feel like I'm dirty or something.


    I feel dirty, why doesn't he want me in that way?


    I don't know.


    I'm just scared, scared of everything. Nothing is safe or secure any longer.


    It's all gone.


    I don't believe I'll ever get married, it just won't happen for me.


    This is the way things go.


    Life is unpredictable, people are unpredictable, the only person that is safest to trust is me.


    I can't be anything but myself, I don't know how to be anyone else.


    I just..............................


    I don't know what to do.


    Does anyone have any suggestions?

  17. The man I'm in love with has postponed our wedding date.

    Our wedding date was to be August 3, 2007. I did three days of extreme planning.

    I picked the location for the wedding, and reception. I also did pricing.

    I even picked out the color scheme and decorations.

    I drew up a financial plan of saving and maximizing my money.

    Of course I had his wedding ring picked out.

    I was looking for gifts to give my bridemaids's....

    I planned the details of the whole wedding ceremony and reception...everything.

    I'm even the one who picked out our hotel and vacation spot for the honeymoon (got pricing on that as well)....

    And he tells me this morning that he doesn't want to get married until the year 2009.

    I'm currently 22years old, almost 23yrs old.

    I'll be 26years old by the time we marry, if we get married in the fall!

    I don't know.

    It was his idea to get married in a year's time, he determined that a week and a half after we met.

    At first I was devestated.

    Then after that I had to think of all the people I had to call.

    I had to call my friends and tell them it wasn't happening, and the wedding planner of course.

    I still have to call the jeweler.

    I mean, it's a lot.

    But I'm okay.

    I'm just going to focus on getting myself together.

    I mean we don't even have sex, which is fine with me.

    We're waiting.

    But he's a man, I mean do you really think he can hold off on sex for 3 1/2 years?

  18. Hey Everybody!!!

    Thanks you so very much for all of your love and support. And thank you to all of you who have responded to my posts, you've been a light in my dark times.

    I can't tell you how much I appreciate you.

    Things are actually great today! Can you believe it?! I never thought I'd be saying that anytime soon, but I actually feel really good.

    I feel like crying (in a good way, lol)!

    I don't what to say. Life is actually looking pretty good.

    I mean I actually have a plan.

    I've decided to make a collage (sorry, I don't know how to spell the word) of all of my dreams.

    Everything I want in life, all that I see as beauty.

    When I complete it, I'll get it lamenated (spelling?).

    I'm actually really excited about the idea.

    That way, when I wonder what is there left to live for...I can sit in the middle of my floor, and just stare at it.

    Anyways, there is something else...

    I'm a little nervous.

    Today my dad and I are going to see my counselor.

    I'm feeling so good, and I'm afraid that the session might bring me down.

    I mean, in my mind, I've made accomplishments, things are getting better. That's an accomplishment, improvement.

    What if they don't agree?

    What if they are critical of me because I have accomplished much in their minds?

    What if they see my new found happiness as a small matter?

    I mean, it means so much to me...I don't want anyone to dismiss it as insignificant.

    What if their dismissal makes me sad???

    What will I do?

    What could I say?

    How do I defend myself, how do I get them to be happy about the small victories, the way that I am?

    I feel that they'll look down on me and judge me for the things I haven't done.

    I try to express that things take time.

    I try to say, that I'm moving as quickly as I can.

    But so many times I feel like my voice in being lost in the wind.

    And then I feel small again.

    I'm so tired of feeling small. I want to feel happy, the way I do now.

    I want to feel that my life has significance.

    I want to be appreciated for who I am, and not just what I do.

  19. I'm afraid to lose weight.

    I've found a safe way to lose the weight fast.

    I've already lost some weight and I'm afraid to lose more.


    I know I was raped when I was a smaller size, so maybe that's it.


    And I have this thing going on with money lately, there never seems to be enough.


    And then I've been kind of obsessing over my wedding ring.


    I found the right one. It's elegant, classy, and breath-taking, but simple.

    Why would I care or be worried about a wedding ring?


    I have this thing where I feel like everything is final, and I have to make the perfect and right decision the first time around.


    What's with that?


    I'm scared.

    I seem to be scared of almost anything these days.


    I'm afraid I won't make it.


    I try really hard ya know.


    Sometimes I get in a state of mind where I'm suicidal. It doesn't happen frequently, but it happens more than I care for it to, and on top of that it's really bad.


    And I feel scared, and sad, because I can't depend on myself.


    I feel like my life has slipped away through my fingers.


    I always felt that I would be able to take care on myself, no matter what.


    I trusted myself, believed in myself. I knew that no matter what happened in life, I could do it...I could make it.




    I don't have that anymore.


    I mean I'm on medicine now.

    What will happen if I miss a dosage. What would happen if I couldn't get a job, didn't have insurance anymore....what would happen?

    Would I go crazy?


    I don't know, that I can do anymore.


    I used to be able to do my own hair, nothing right? Now..it's like a struggle.


    Why am I so afraid of everything?


    It's like, in the perfect, it could be like the movies.

    I could track down my rapist like superwoman...I could make him pay dearly, without killing him...and go home happy, with no guilty conscience.


    But that's not how the world works, that's not how I work.


    I used to think that God would punish people for their wrong-doing.

    Do I still believe that?

    Part of me definitely does....but what about the other part? the other part feels that I'm not worthy to be avenged.

    Maybe that's why I don't care to believe or think about that anymore.


    I know the rape isn't my fault. But where do I put my feelings? Where do I put the blame.

    My ex-friend won't take the blame or responsibility, and neither will the rapist.


    They claim that it's not their fault. I know it isn't my fault. Then who's fault is it???


    Who's at fault?


    I blame myself for trusting and believing in a girl who never was really my friend.

    I blame myself for not knowing that she would betray me.


    I do believe that that part, and that part alone, is my fault.


    And then I think, then who can I trust.

    If I don't know, or can't tell who my friends are, then who can I trust?


    And the thing is, she didn't even say, "I'm sorry". If she would have said that, then I could have believed that she actually cared about me...at all.


    But no "sorry". The only person that seems to be "sorry" about this is besides my family, is me.


    We are all suffering, and for what? Why?


    Because someone wanted control? Because they wanted to violate, and destroy someone who was a complete stranger to them.


    It's not fair. And I know life isn't fair, but it's really not fair.


    What am I to do? I'm expect to finish school. I'm expected to be able to support myself.


    And can't even get a decent night's sleep.

    The only thing that's run through my head, are my worries. All of my worries, over and over again.


    I used to know, that no matter how horrible life got, I would at least be able to dream, to escape life, if only for a few hours, I could find peace and rest, but not anymore.


    This is the worst kind of life, the worst kind of living.



  20. I think she views you solely as a friend.


    It's apparent that you care for your friend very much/love her.

    But I don't think she wants to be in a relationship with you.


    I think that she has some feelings towards you. She probably trusts you, and cares about you....


    however I don't think she wants to be with you. You've been a great friend to her and she needs you. She needs you to be that great friend, and she depends on you to be that friend.


    She can't see you as anything more than that.


    That's why she's probably dating other guys.


    She doesn't want to hurt you and probably doesn't know how to let you know that she doesn't want you in that way.


    She probably realizes that you like her, and feels like she owes you something....but she just can't give you what she thinks you want....a romantic relationship.


    I'm sure she has considered having a relationship with you. I don't doubt this. But she just doesn't seem to be attracted to you in that manner.

    Maybe it's your past, maybe she doesn't think you'd guys make a good couple.

    But for some reason, she has played with the idea in her mind and has come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to be with you.


    She's just trying to let you down without hurting you. And she's doing that by reminding of what a good person you are and how much she cares for you, while at the same time, seeing other guys.

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