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Gracelove

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Posts posted by Gracelove

  1. I had weird dreams that I can't quite recall, and I kept jerking.

     

    I never did the whole jerking thing prior to the rape.

     

    I don't know, I never know when the jerking will come, and I jerk really hard too.

    It scares me awake sometimes.

     

    I don't know, do you think I'm trying to shake something off? I mean, in my mind?

     

    It's my fault, I misplaced a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

     

    Can anybody help? Has anyone experienced similar things?

    Did it go away on this own?

     

    Why do I care so much?

    Where is all of this frustration coming from?

    Why am I so concerned about his next victim?

    I'm driving myself crazy right now thinking about.....how to stop him.

    I couldn't help myself you know.

    I want people to be warned, I want him to go crazy because he has run out of victims.

    What's wrong with me?

    I don't know.

    My therapist believes he'll eventually start killing his victims and that's how he'll be caught.

    She is extremely confident that he'll be caught.

    And so am I.

    But then I think, how many more people will suffer before he's caught?

    What about the girls who don't report the rape?

    How do you move on guys?

    I was supposed to turn in that report and feel free to move on with my life, but now for some reason I have all of these reservations.

    I'm scared.

    I don't understand why I can't let go.

    I want to let go. I have to.

    I feel like crying.

    I want to scream.

    Why can't someone stop him?!

    But then I forget I guess, it's not my job. It's God's job. I just forget sometimes you know.

    I try really hard to be the best person I can.

    Sometimes I just forget.

    Whew!

    Thanks for listening guys. I know I have a lot of frustrations.

    I just want relief, relief from these constant thoughts and feelings.

    Why am I not better yet?

    I mean, I've made improvements but...................

    My head hurts and I feel like crying.

    I'm so sad right now, and I HATE being sad.

    I have a feeling I'll lay in bed all day.

    I'm starting to feel like I used to.

    You know something is wrong with you, you're in agony because you can't make it better, it won't go away. And you just sit there, feeling physically horrible. Feeling sick. All day, and nothing helps.

    If I had my sleeping pills I bet that would help.

    But I can't find them.

  2. I hate to say that I'd have an abortion, but I believe I would.

    I think I would go insane if I was carrying the child of the rapist, I'd probably feel like I was carrying the omen.

    I'd probably have more nightmares.

    I'd be terrified (spelling?) of having a boy that would grow up to rape people, and that everyone would say my son raped people.

     

    I really think I would lose my mind if for some reason I had to keep his baby.

     

    I probably wouldn't eat anything, hoping that I'd lose the baby by starving myself.

    I'd feel cursed and diseased, like a monster was growing in my belly, and it would only be a matter of time before it got out.

     

    I couldn't even imagine breast feeding that baby! I would feel like I was being violated again.

     

    His child sucking on my breasts, ahhhhhh!!!

     

    Needless to say I simply couldn't handle it.

  3. BrokenWingedfaery

     

    Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to feel.

     

    I get so afraid to feel sometimes.

     

    I really appreciate your kind words!

     

    It's nice to hear the the old me isn't dead, because sometimes I really feel that way.

    If she's in hiding it means that I can get her back one day.

    That one day I'll be whole again.....

     

    Itsallgrand

     

    Thanks for sharing! I can't believe what you've been through.

    If you feel better, I know that things will get better for me.

     

    Do you get sad? I get so sad sometimes and it's a nightmare. I'm so scared sometimes.

     

    You're right though, they are memories. Sometimes it's just so hard for me to think my way through everything.

     

    I feel like giving up you know.

     

    I try to comprehend how people can be so horrible. I try to understand them, what makes them this way.

    I try to find something human about them.

    But I'm failing at that.

     

    I feel like I'm losing it sometimes, I'm scared. I don't know.

     

    Thanks you for the encouragement! It's so sweet, and I need it. I really need it.

     

    Iansmommy

     

    I'm sorry about your rape.

    I know exactly some of the things your going through.

    Maybe one day I'll be able to stop the "what ifs".

    Maybe I'll be able to accept and embrace the new me.

     

    Thanks for your support.

     

    Snowgirl

     

    You reported the rape right away? I didn't know that?! Congratulations!

    How did you do it? Did someone go with you?

     

    I wish so badly that I could have reported it right away.

     

    I was in shock.

    I showered as soon as I got home, and I slept all day sleeping off whatever drugs he gave me.

    It was horrible.

     

    And I thought about the "rape kit" as soon as I got home.

    But I reasoned that I didn't know what the test entailed and I was sure he used a condom.

    I was also embarrassed and couldn't imagine picking up the phone to tell someone I was raped.

    I was sooooo ashamed.

     

    I wish I had known what a rape kit was.

     

    Actually I wish they had a facility with a rape kit in the town that I lived in.

    Maybe I could have just walked in, and someone could have asked me if I was raped, and I could have just shaken my head yes.

     

    Who knows?

     

    So many possibilities huh?

  4. I would really like to study Spanish. I'm interested in foreign language.

     

    Thanks for always being here for me Nottoogreen.

     

    I always look for your response to my posts.

     

    I'm hoping things will turn out okay. I feel so sad today.

    And it scares me because I can't stop the sadness, I don't know how to control it.

     

    I'm really scared.

     

    I don't know what to do.

     

    My birthday is coming up soon. I'm hoping to do the whole "new me" thing.

     

    I don't want to feel old any more.

     

    I want to have a happy life. I want to forget my problems.

     

    I want to feel strong, really strong, and safe.

     

    I don't want to cry on my birthday, hopefully things will be okay.

    P.S. I'll be 23 year old!

  5. Hey There Snowgirl!!!

     

    How are you doing?!

     

    I'm a little emotional today.

    I'm having a hard time with the whole rape thing today.

     

    I feel like crying and I'm not totally sure why.

     

    Since turning in the police report last Thrusday, I've been exhausted.

    I don't regret reporting the rape what-so-ever, I'm just beginning to think maybe it took a toll on me that I've unaware of.

     

    The whole thing is horrible.

     

    The aftermath of rape is, whew! I don't even know what to say about it.

     

    I look forward to hearing from you though.

    Let me know how everything is going for you.

     

    ~Grace

  6. That's a good idea, I think I got a little too emotional.

    But I've spoken with the detective I gave the report to and he said he'll handle it for me.

    I don't know. I don't know why I get this way sometimes.

    I need to focus on more pleasant things, but sometimes I just feel so sad.

    Sometimes I just want to fight back. I feel so weak and stupid for being raped sometimes.

    I feel like he may not have prayed on me if he didn't view me as being weakling.

    I just keep thinking that I should have been able to spot that pervert from a mile away.

    When I was younger, there was this girl I knew (she was a friend of a friend. I saw her from time to time.

    And one time I saw her with her father.

    And I was fairly young but there was something I didn't like about him and their interaction.

    In my mind he was a bad guy and I didn't want to be around him.

    It turns out (we found out years later) that he was molesting her.

    I wasn't at all surprised.

    I didn't want to spend the night at their house when I was younger, and I couldn't stand being around her father.

    So I feel horrible that I couldn't pick up the bad vibes coming off of the man who raped me.

    Something must have been wrong with me to not be able to know.

    I can't explain why I didn't know.

  7. It's okay to feel angry, I'm sure you're really hurt.

     

    Why can't you still talk to the girl if you liked her? She did nothing wrong right?

     

    Did she know that you like her?

     

    Your cousin seems like any insensitive_____.

     

    Vent your anger some how. Maybe you can write a lot here on e not alone.

    You just have to get it out.

     

    Maybe you feel hurt by your cousin. I mean he knew you liked the girl but did what he did anyways.

    Have you asked him why? Why he would do such a thing and then brag about it to you?

     

    I don't know.

     

    This may seem a little far-fetched to you, but what if he raped her?

    I mean, you never know.

     

    I was drugged and raped, and the guy that did that to me certainly bragged about it.

     

    I don't know.....

     

    He's appearantly a jerk at the very least, tell him how you feel about what he did.

     

    But maybe not in person, since you want to beat him up and all.

  8. Oh my gosh!!!!

    I can't believe your mother and brother.

    I really feel for you. In times like this you really need your family and friends you know.

    I could cry right now listening to your situation. Fair warning though, I'm a little emotional right now about the whole rape thing.

    I can't believe their responses to you?! It's unbelivable (spelling?)!

    Do you ever think that your mom has been raped in the past and blames herself?

    And her reaction after that incident with the man in the bathroom?!

    I don't know what to say.

    I see nothing wrong with reporting the rape. It's apart of the healing process I think. I feel much better after reporting the rape.

    I don't expect much to come of it, although something may come of it. I just needed to do it for me.

    I don't know what to tell you. If my family and my boyfriend weren't supportive, I don't know if I wouldn't have been able to report it.

    I do believe in Jesus, so I believe that he's a major reason I was able to come forth and report the rape as well.

    I can just imagine how you feel.

    I had so much fear regarding reporting the rape.

    I didn't want to be ripped to shreads by a defense attorney.

    I didn't want to be attacked again. I didn't want to be hurt anymore than I already was.

    I couldn't take it.

    Move at your own pace, k.

    When you have the strength to report the rape, and you want to, then you should do it.

    Call the rape crisis center. They'll help you. They are really supportive.

    If you get an insensitive person (I did once), then hang up and call again.

    But everyone else I've spoken with is sooooooo sweet.

    They listen to you while you talk, and they are caring and supportive.

    Call when you can, I had to call today.

    Hang in there, k. I'm hanging in there with you, it's sooo hard sometimes.

    I know that you're in debt right now, are you unable to live else where? Or do you just want to avoid more debt?

    Moveout, if at all possible (although sometimes it isn't). Take care of yourself, no one else well.

    So many people in America are in debt, you do what you can to survive.

    You can always pay off a debt, but I don't know that you can always regain sanity.

    I know how it is to feel terrible EVERY day. Soon you feel terrible less frequently.

    But speak up for yourself. That's the only way you'll start to feel better you know.

    When you lay it all on the line, whether you feel ashamed or not.

    Your mother and brother...tell them when you aren't living with them. I'm afraid that they may try to make you feel ashamed. They may try to convince you that it was your fault.

    You can't trust them.

    If you can, move elsewhere and call and tell them.

    Then don't pick up your phone or listen to any messages from them until you're ready to handle whatever negativity they may bring your way.

    I wouldn't be too concerned about telling your mother and endangering her health.

    It sounds like she doesn't take rape seriously anyways. I bet she'll just blame you.

    And if that's the case she certainly won't get stressed enough to become more ill.

    And if she wants to ask questions...you don't have to answer them. You don't owe anyone anything, you are the one that has to wake up each and every day in this nightmare, no one else.

    Scream if you have to. Sometimes you just have to scream. Just get it out.

    Tell someone what happened to you, whether they want to hear it or not.

    Sometimes you have to do that, just to get a little piece.

    It'll be okay, the words won't hurt you.

    You were raped, and it sucks, but you won't die from telling people.

    You deserve to speak, not suffer in silence.

    It's not fair to suffer in silence, it make things that much more intolerable (spelling?)

  9. I'm so exhausted.

    My therapist totally backed me up on calling Ariel.

    If I could detail each and every single thing she has done....it's unbelieveble that someone could be so cold-hearted and cruel.

    I don't have any regards for her feelings what-so-ever.

    She wasn't the one that was raped.

    She deserves what's coming to her.

    In regards to calling his school, that's no biggy.

    I had called months ago to speak to security, that's what I did again. Only this time I had intentions of making a report with them as well.

    I'm just so tired.

    But I'm proud of myself. I won't be a silent victim any longer.

    Don't get me wrong though, I'm human.

    I still hurt, I still feel vunerable..still sad.

    But I'm doing what I can.

    He's going to do it again.

    I don't want anyone else to suffer like this.

    My therapist is more than certain he will eventually being killing his victims.

    I mean, that's so horrible.

    I want everybody to know who he is.

    I mean, not somebody else...that's how I feel...not somebody else. I don't want anyone else to have to feel this way.

    I couldn't protect myself, and that really hurts.

    But maybe I could help somebody else.

  10. I called.

    I called Ariel. The girl that's an accessory to my rape.

    I told her exactly what I thought of her, before hanging up on her face.

    Then I called the school that my rapist attends/attended.

    I told them he raped me and gave them his name.

    And now...I'm emotionally exhausted.

    I was emotionally exhausted yesterday as well.

    I feel like crying.

    I feel like crying. Another low.

    I hate the lows, there is absolutely nothing that makes them go away, nothing that make them better, you just have to deal with them.

    And my head hurts.

    I feel awful.

    I don't know what to do!

    Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Why is rape so horrible?! Why does it have to be so bad?!

    Isn't it enough that you went through the rape? Why do you have to go through so much crap afterwards????

  11. Personally I couldn't see begging someone to love me.

    I would feel like I was being bossy, or that I was presuring (spelling?) someone into loving me.

    If one thing is for sure, it's that you can't make someone love you.

    I guess I've never attempted that before because it seemed pointless.

  12. I'm shaking...I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and I think I'm sexually frustrated.

     

    Okay, maybe it has nothing to do with sexual frustration, I just want to get off, I think it would help.

     

    But the problem is that I don't like to think about sex.

     

    I just want it to happen.

     

    I want my boyfriend and I to decide to have sex, make-out, and gradually get to it.

     

    Maybe I need to go out and get a vibrator.

     

    Or maybe I've just had to much caffiene.

     

    I've only had one red bull today.

     

    But do you know how is feels when you have wayyyyyyy to many red bulls or too much caffiene?

     

    I don't know.

     

    Maybe I'm just.... I don't even know what I am.

     

    Why can't my boyfriend just have sex with me?!

     

    I know I was raped, but I still want to feel attractive!

     

    And he says he believes I'm attractive. And I know he's dead set on waiting until marriage, and that's honorable.

     

    But I want him to at least make out with me.

    And he does, but he stops. I guess because he gets worked up.

    But that's okay I'm worked up to. Ahh!!!!!

     

    What's wrong with me.

     

    On one hand sex revolts me, on the other hand it makes me want to cry, and on another hand I really want it!

     

    See how confusing and frustrating it all is?

     

    And I love my boyfriend. He is the only man I have actually ever wanted to have sex with and I have to wait 3 years to get it!

     

    This is driving me crazy!

     

    Being raped is one thing, but then for your boyfriend not to want to have sex with you!!!! I mean, that's.....unthinkable.

     

    If anyone should be better at holding out it should be me!

     

    But he still holds out when I realllllllly want to.

     

    Why can't we just get it on once, and then ask for forgiveness?!

     

    He's not even a virgin!

     

    And this is what makes me feel like a horrible person!!!

     

    He's so good, and I'm so bad.

     

    Why do I feel so bad for wanting sex? For the first time in my life I want it.

     

    My boyfriend and I have had sex before, it was in the first month and we did it soooo many times, and after that...no more.

     

    I understand, it hurt him to violate a principle of our religion.

     

    After reading this, can anyone pinpoint my problem? I've having difficulty identifying it myself.

  13. Thanks guys!

     

    I like the proactive idea, I think it's great!!!

     

    I want to feel like I'm helping other women.

     

    I know he'll get more violent as he goes along rapes other women, he was borderline violent with me.

     

    Why do I still feel so ashamed?

     

    N-Eways, I do want to help. I'd hate for another person to have to go through this.

     

    Thanks for all of your help, without it I would have never been able to file that report.

     

    What about asking the dean questions?

     

    Do you think that will interfer with the investigator's investigation?

     

    Umm, I wonder.

     

    It's a wonderful idea, talking to the dean. And I definitely have nothing to lose.

     

    I would love to do it.

     

    That boy from my hometown that the rapist talked to....

    Maybe I can find out information from him.

     

    Ummm, I wonder.

     

    Doing my own little investigation might help me to feel better.

     

    You know what?

    I can't lie. I still feel soooo much shame from the rape. But the more I do to confront it, the better I feel.

     

    I can't turn back, you know.

     

    What should I do? Should I inform the dean that one of his students is responsible for rape?

    He might consider me a trouble maker or someone who just wants to ruin the school's name.

     

    I don't know.

     

    I do want to help others.

     

    It's not fair for him to get away with it.

     

    My therapist believes that he'll eventually kill one of his victims, and that is how he'll be caught.

     

    I don't know, talking is the only way I feel alive sometimes.

    I'll definitely talk, I'll tell whoever needs to know, what J. did.

  14. Hey There Everybody!!!

    Thank you so much! Um, I know, things are hard for me right now.

    Thanks for all of your advice.

    You're right, rape is out of my control.

    I've always wanted to be able to control things around me.

    When I was younger I used to think of all these uncontrollable things that could happen.

    And I would think of exactly how I would react to them.

    It made me feel good because if there was one thing I could control, it would be my reaction.

    But I was wrong.

    I've matured now.

    I don't know.

    Washing my hair is my way of making me look at myself for who and what I am.

    I want to force myself to like myself again.

    It's so hard to face rape head on ya know.

    Sometimes I feel so sick.

    I...sometimes I just talk, you know. I talk and talk, and then I get lost in my words, and I feel safe there.

    Because I'm scared, if I stop talking.....what if I lose my voice, and I can't talk again.

    Once my ex forced himself on me, I didn't have a voice.

    Do you know how awful that is, to be violated and not have a voice?

    That was a turning point for me.

    And I had a meltdown soon after.

    And that meltdown lasted for a few months.

    And you know, to be honest, I wasn't quite over it. I wasn't over it.

    Then here comes the rape.

    I didn't have a chance to get over that other thing I wanted to get over.

    And here comes something new. Something UNCONTROLLABLE.

    With my ex, I used to think of how I would fight him off he if tried to attack me.

    I would plan out how I would escape my apartment if he broke in.

    I would jump out of my bedroom window, I was only on the second floor.

    I was telling myself that I could make it.

    And those were the "good old days", ya know.

    I was getting over abuse, falling out of love with the person I knew could kill me during one of his rages.

    I felt independent, happy.

    I finally had my own apartment, I had a cat.

    Then his stalking continued and my parents got scared, they told other people who were afraid for me, and I lost my independence and my apartment and my cat.

    Then I get raped.

    And you know what?

    I'm starting to get angry.

    It's always one thing after another.

    I start to get up and then something comes right along to knock me down.

    Now there is this rape thing and to be quite honest, it is totally and completely over my head.

    I'm trying to understand, and sometimes I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

    But no matter what happens I just can't seem to grasp it.

    When I try, really hard, I'm an emotional wreck.

    I feel helpless, which is really strange because I have all of these emotions inside of me.

    The other night, I was at my boyfriend's house.

    And I was having a rough night.

    And I was freaking out, because I kept thinking of how the rapist was inside of me.

    And I wanted him to get out, that's all I could think of.

    And I'm having a fit! I feel like there is something there, but I know there is nothing.

    And I want someone to help me, I want someone to get it out. And no one can do anything for me because it's in my head...but it's there.

    And I just wanted to do something to myself, but I couldn't think of what.

    I thought about cutting myself, but I knew that would help. And I just couldn't think of anything I could do to "snap out of it".

    I wanted my boyfriend to have sex me. But I know he wants to wait until we're married.

    And there is no way I would want to compromise him because I wouldn't want to feel like I was raping him by trying to get him to do something he didn't want to.

    I can't masterbate, I haven't done that since I was raped. I don't know what to do to distract myself from that weird thought pattern when I get that way.

    I feel so depressed right now.

    I feel awful, I don't know what to do!

    Sometimes I just get so tired of trying!!!!!

    I can't stop the feelings! I want to end them all!

    I don't know, I hurt so bad sometimes.

    And you know what, I do want my boyfriend to have sex with me. I don't know I think that will help.

    Maybe I won't think of the rapist being there.

    I don't know.

    I just want it to go away.

    I want to be okay again, I'm a complete mess. What will I do?!

  15. Girl, I can totally relate!!!!

     

    I was raped about 6 months ago.

     

    You're ex is awful, and he sounds crazy.

    If he's scaring your mother that's horrible.

     

    I don't know much about law, but could you report the rape?

     

    I'm assuming you don't feel safe in the area you now live in.

     

    I wonder if the police could help in anyway.

     

    Why does your brother hang out with them?!

     

    If I were you, I'd tell my brother what he and his friends did to you!

     

    I feel so sad hearing how you feel. It reminds me of how I felt when no one knew I was raped.

     

    It's the most awful feeling ever.

     

    Tell somebody, tell as many people as you can, it will definitely help you feel better.

     

    I had to vent a lot, here on E not alone before I had the strength to tell others.

     

    I really really feel for you. Do you think your strong enough to tell somebody right now???

     

    I can tell you that things do get better.

    They are hard though, awfully hard. I'm still not in great condition, but I'm better off than I was before I told.

     

    That's so horrible!

     

    I know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you trust.

     

    I've forgotten a lot of the horrible emotions I used to feel right after the rape.

     

    If you tell maybe you can start to forget too.

    I don't know if "forget" is the best term.

    But you go from living in agony everyday, to just existing.

     

    Just existing is MUCH better than living in agony, I promise.

     

    It'll be okay, I'm here for you.

     

    I can't study either, and I know how much it sucks.

     

    Sometimes I just have fits you know.

     

    I lie in bed, I can't stay still, I have this horrible feeling.

    I think of the fact that my rapist was inside of me.

     

    And I feel like I just have to get him out.

    I need to get him out. But I don't know how, because he's not there anymore anyways.

    And I just feel like he's inside of me and I can't get rid of him.

    And I want someone to make him go away, get him out of me ya know.

     

    It's crazy, but that's life.

     

    It's better than it used to be.

    I only get like that every couple of weeks.

     

    I know how unbelivably hard it is to do something.

    Sometimes you don't even know what to do.

     

    Does your mother have any sort of insurance?

     

    I think you need counseling, you may even need medicine.

     

    I'm on medicine now.

     

    It sucks at first but it does help.

     

    Anyways, girl, I'm here for you.

     

    Are you able to hold a job?

    If not, I completely understand.

     

    Do you have family that lives elsewhere?

    I know how hard it can be to ask someone else if you can live with them.

     

    Do you feel safe at all?

    I know safety is a huge issue after rape.

     

    Where did you attend school previously?

     

    Why don't you get your Master's there as well?

     

    Hang in there.

    PM me if you want to talk.

     

    I don't always feel like I have much to offer, or much to say, but I'll definitely be here to listen.

     

    And I'll try my hardest to respond in a timely fashion.

     

    ~Grace

  16. I am.

     

    I admit it.

     

    I took off that ring my boyfriend bought for me, the one he doesn't take seriously, the one he constantly reminds me cost $0.99.

     

    I took off his cross that he gave me, that I've worn everyday since I asked for it and he gave it to me.

     

    I'm asking him to give me these things right.

    Because I want to wear something everyday that belong to him.

    I love him.

     

    But what does that have to do with anything.

     

    Maybe without those things I'll feel alone in the world.

     

    I washed my hair, it was pressed, straighted then curled, and I washed it.

     

    I have really thick, soft, curly hair...why don't I wear it that way?

     

    What's wrong with me.

     

    All this time I was trying to think of a way for my boyfriend to get me a new ring.

    (I promised him/myself that the only ring I would wear on my left hand would be a ring that he'd give me).

     

    I couldn't just ask for it because I didn't want him to spend more than $30 on it.

     

    The ring I want is $395, but I feel guilty asking him to get it for me, why???

     

    Because he already does so much for me....poor messed up Grace. The one that has issues, the one that jerks in her sleep at night.

     

    Silly huh.

     

    Well, why should I be dependent on him getting me a ring?

    Are the rings I buy for myself no longer of any vaule?

     

    And they are my hands, I mean he hasn't proposed to me yet.

    Why can't I buy the ring I want and wear it on whatever finger I want?

     

    It's my hand on my body, it doesn't belong to him right?

     

    And then, the wedding ring, who cares if it costs a lot, I mean his wedding ring cost a lot.

     

    What's wrong with me.

     

    It's good the wedding hasn't been post-poned.

     

    Would I want to marry me? No.

     

    I'm not a full person. I don't know who I am anymore.

    How can I get married if I'm not a full person.

     

    I don't know myself, and it's an awful place to be.

     

    I can't even do things anymore.

     

    I work more slowly, things are much harder for me to do, and I feel slow.

     

    I'm not a happy person.

    I smile, I talk to people, I'm kind to others, but I'm not happy, not at all.

     

    I'm trying my hardest to face the facts instead of run from them.

     

    My hair not straight, it's curly.

     

    I want a diamond cross one day.

     

    I want to wear a tanzanite ring I my left hand on the left finger even though I don't know if I'll ever get married.

     

    Why don't I feel like I'm good enough.

     

    I'm starting from the bottom and no one around me understands that.

     

    I'm starting from the bottom, re-learning and struggling to do everything that was once so easy for me.

     

    And I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not to please others.

     

    They get upset and frustrated with my stuggling. They believe I'm being lazy, that I'm not doing things just because.

     

    But I'm trying, I'm making progress, but it's not good enough for anyone else, and I've cared.

    I'm tired of caring.

     

    You either like me or you don't.

     

    I can't really turn to my parents, not even my boyfriend completely. I have no friends that complete relate.

     

    I try to talk to others to cheer me up, but I'm met with sarcasim (spelling?) and impatience.

     

    [with E not alone being the exception]

     

    I think I'm just going to be me now.

     

    I want to be silent you know.

    I used to always be silent.

     

    I used to keep everything inside. I used to take it all.

     

    Part of me wants to be silent again.

    But when I was silent I got stepped all over.

     

    But there's comfort in being that quiet person.

    Hiding behind a smile.

    I felt safe there.

    Really safe.

     

    I've been focusing on everything else but me.

    I stopped looking at myself as a person that matters

     

    I view myself as a burden to everyone and everything, a person that doesn't measure up, a person that never measures up.

     

    And that's me.

     

    Sometimes I feel that if I were in a world of my own, I could set my own standards and I could actually measure up.

  17. I got up this morning to go to the gym for my personal training session.

    Since reporting my rape I've decided to focus on moving on in my life.

    I'm forcing myself to get over the whole fear of losing weight thing (I was a small size, when raped).

    So I get in my car and head for the gym, and guess what?

    The radio is on.

    It turns out that there was this doctor in Atlanta (the city where I was raped).

    Several of his patients gave complaints of him raping, sodomizing and doing something else ( I don't quite remember) to his patients.

    So do you know what the doctor gets? He gets probation.

    I mean can you imagine how all of those people felt?!

    No justice right?

    Well....he and his daughter were driving in a car, and they ran into the back of a semi-truck.

    They were both ejected from the car and are now dead.

    .................

    It made me feel better, ya know. Of course I felt really sorry for the daughter.

    But there he was, probably driving around just as happy as a lark.

    All of those people came out to expose him for what he was, and he was probably feeling invincible, because after all of that he got a slap on the wrist.

    Can you imagine.

    He couldn't escape, in the end, he didn't just get a slap on the wrist.

    That brought me comfort.

    When I was drugged and raped I felt side-swiped. I didn't see it coming and I was helpless to stop it.

    That's probably the way that rapist felt while slamming into the back of a semi huh?

    Now I know it isn't right for me to be thrilled about someone's passing.

    But it does make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know, that we may not always see the punishment, but God definitely deals it out.

    Whew!

    And you know, I had these thoughts going through my head.

    Like, what if my case goes to trial, what if they ask me embarrasing personal questions.

    What if?

    What if people thought I was a horrible person?

    What if they didn't care that I was raped?

    What if I had to see the rapist again, look him in the face, go through the trama of a trial, just to see him go free?

    I guess I feel good in knowing, that even if he walks away....he's not free, he'll never be free. He'll never know when his day is coming, when he'll have to pay for his crime and how.

    He'll never know......

  18. My boyfriend left me.

     

    He's out with his cousin right now.

     

    I'm home alone withour two kittens.

     

    And, I don't have enough happiness within.

     

    I obsess (spelling?) about jewelry now.

    Why?

     

    Every piece of jewelry I own has a special significance, a story behind it.

     

    I want a new ring now.

     

    A ring that symbolizes this stage in my life...but why?

     

    I know I like jewelry, they serve as memoirs to me.

    They are everlasting.

    I will die one day, but the jewelry will still be in existence.

     

    Is that silly of me?

     

    I don't know why I think that way.

    But I'm feeling a little desperate for a new piece.

     

    Why do I get this way?

     

    I try to tell myself that jewelry doesn't estimate my worth.

     

    But I want something new, something fresh.

     

    I want a change.

     

    I don't want to be old.

    I don't want to be the rape victim anymore.

     

    And maybe I can't really change that, but a new piece of jewelry, a new perfume, it sounds like a start to me.

     

    when I get these thing though, will I really be happy?

     

    I mean, will I feel better? Will I feel new? Will they help?

     

    Why does my life seem so dull? It's like things are happening around me, but I'm not able to fully enjoy them.

     

    I used to enjoy jewelry, ya know, they are beautiful pieces of art that you can wear.

     

    If I had a credit card and a job I'd go get a piece of jewelry, LOL.

     

    But then on the other hand, I don't like bills.

     

    I try to only purchase things with the money I have in my pocket, which isn't much these days.

     

    I feel so silly.

     

    Why don't I feel pretty?

    I feel like I have a beautiful heart.

     

    Other people say that I'm pretty, but I don't see it.

     

    I mean I see me. Whether it's the before or after me, it's me.

    It's not that I dislike myself or anything, because I'm the person that's always there, LOL.

     

    N-Ewho....

     

    I want to feel pretty again, I want to feel happy inside, I want to enjoy things in life.

     

    I don't want to "just be here".

     

    I want to be pretty. I want to be okay.

    I want to feel like I deserve good things, because right now I don't feel like I do.

     

    What am I going to do?

     

    I feel alone.

     

    I want to be better.

     

    How do I tell people what I need?

     

    How can I get them to help me.

     

    And yet I should be so grateful.

     

    So grateful that I have a bed to sleep in at night, and covers to wrap around myself, and every other luxury people don't have.

     

    But I need something to have a better life.

     

    Right now I just drink Red Bulls left and right.

    Starbucks coffee when I can afford it.

     

    How much do I have to drink before I feel better.

     

    Nothing I buy is helping me.

     

    I just spend until my money is gone and then I have nothing left, and I still feel the same way.

     

    This is, needless to say, less than pleasant.

     

    Does anyone have any ideas or remedies?

  19. Thank you guys for your support! You're all so sweet, I love you very much.

     

    Fallout

    Well, unfortunately for me, I was conscious during the actually rape. It was so painful and rough that it brought me into consciousness.

     

    I did go in and out of consciousness. When I was out of it, I guess he didn't like it and would be really _____ to bring me back.

     

    Um, I honestly don't know if date rape is easier to deal with.

     

    I know that I appreciate the memories I have.

    They are horrible, but I'm glad I have them.

     

    If I had no memory, and just woke up naked and in pain....

    I wouldn't have filed a report.

     

    I have had a few issues with denial.

    You know, brush off the unpleasantries and go on acting as if what happened was no big deal.

     

    For me, without the memories it would be worse I know.

     

    Because I would want to know what happened.

    It would nag at me.

    It would drive me nuts.

     

    But that's because I've always relied on my memory for everything.

     

    It was very frustrating for me, at first, to not know everything little thing that happened and the sequence in which everything happened.

     

    I mean, like what he was doing!

    I mean, I want to know why I couldn't have been awake, or awaken before he raped me, to stop it, ya know.

     

    But that would have been impossible. I was drugged. I guess extreme pain was the only thing that could momentarily bring me back to consciousness.

     

    I was present, every time he raped me.

    And unfortunately, he raped me multiple times.

     

    I don't know, the whole thing is just a horrible nightmare.

     

    I just think rape is horrible either way.

     

    With or without the memories, you know you've been violated in the most horrible way.

     

    Snowgirl

     

    You are sooooo sweet! Thanks for sticking up for me girl!

     

    Itsallgrand

    Thanks for you support!

    You're always leaving me encouraging posts!

     

    It went great.

    The detective who'll hopefully be assigned my case is so nice!

     

    My boyfriend went with me.

     

    You're so right. I know a let down is coming.

    It always comes.

    Ahh!!!

     

    I don't know, I'm just waiting for it right now.

     

    I haven't had much sleep and I've had a lot of caffiene, so maybe afte I get sleep it'll hit me.

     

    I don't know if I'm scared of the let down now or not.

     

    Nottoogreen

    You're always there for me, I hope you know how much I appreicate you.

    Ta_ree_saw

    It's so nice to hear from you!!!

    Thank you. I try to stay as light-hearted as possible these days.

    I'm glad you like "Fat Baby leg"

    He is sooooooo funny!!!!

    I think I watch that clip about once a day, LOL.

    Everything went well.

    If the rapist is still in the area he'll be brought in for questioning.

    So we'll see.

    I haven't really thought of everything yet.

    I'm so happy to have done the report.

    I feel really good about it.

    But I don't feel super-syked, ya know.

    I guess because I haven't really had much sleep yet.

    But I would suggest others to do it, but only when you can.

    And if you can never file a report, then so be it.

    You've just got to take care of yourself and heal.

    I must say, if it weren't for the love, support, and information that I've been given here....I don't think I ever would have reported the rape.

    So thank you all!!!!

  20. Hey There Kita!

     

    How are you doing today?

    I hope all is well with you.

     

    I'm so very sorry to hear your story.

    I know you're a survivor.

     

    I must admit that I've thought about what I would do if I were raped again.

    It's horrible possibilty, a nightmare.

     

    I really, really sympathize with you.

    To be violated again.......

     

    Not eating, sleeping, talking, and suicide attempts sounds about right to me.

     

    I would be in the same state.

     

    I've started to feel the way you do lately, in the sense that I'm not going to let them ruin my life.

    I'm going to fight like hell to be successful.

     

    So if they ever see me again, they'll know that they couldn't destroy my life.

    And that they should be ashamed.

     

    This may sound a little bad, but I feel like those who rape, should be raped.

    Just so they'll know how it feels.

     

    I think that, that should be their just punishment.

    And then, after they're raped, they should be locked up in solitary confinement for 30days.

     

    I think that would be perfect, but not practical of course.

    They'd probably come out extremely disturbed (as if they aren't already).

     

    I too am on medicine.

     

    The only thing I don't like about it is that I have to drive so far just to get it.

     

    The medicine has really helped me.

     

    I'm fortunate to have it.

     

    Well, it's nice to hear from you again.

     

    I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm going to get a bit of rest.

     

    Have a great day!!!

     

    ~Grace

  21. Oh my gosh!

     

    I'm speechless.

     

    I can't believe what you wrote! It's soooooooo beautiful and amazing!

    I feel so much better.

     

    You are blessed romantic_sweetheart. You have such insight....

     

    What you have written has given me hope.

    Thank you!

     

    Thank you for reaching out to me. Even though you haven't been raped you have offered me a lot.

     

    I've been in an abusive relationship as well, so I know that you've had some of the same feelings that I have.

     

    I just don't know what to say.

    Your reply was long, and sincere, and heartfelt.

     

    I woke up this morning, tired. I didn't get any sleep last night really.

    And I have to make a long drive to see the doctor that prescribes me medicine.

    Medicine that I'm taking as a result of the rape of course.

     

    And your post is so encouraging.

     

    I mean there's really nothing I can say.....

     

    But Thank you!!!

     

    Hey There Kita!

     

    How are you doing? I hope all is well.

    Thanks for your reply as well!

     

    It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

    I am open to PM's.

     

    This is so amazing.

     

    You guys are sooooo sweet!!!!!

    Thanks so much for your replies, they mean more to me than I can express.

     

    Have a beautiful day!!!

     

    With love always,

     

    Grace

  22. It has been a long day. Whew!

     

    I reported the rape. I was pretty simple, ya know.

    The detective I'm working with is sooo nice.

     

    I wrote my report last night.

    It's 67 pages long!!!!

    Can you believe it?!

     

    I wrote down each and every single thing I could remember.

     

    For the first time ever, I went through the whole entire night...as if I were living it.

     

    I felt so proud and relieved after finishing the report.

     

    When it came to describing the actual rape I wrote it out.

    I wrote it matter-of-factly.

     

    I don't know what will happen as far as recovery goes.

     

    I hope that one day, I'll be able to read over the report and grieve.

     

    I didn't "feel" while writing the report.

    I just wrote down what I knew and what I could remember.

     

    I know the anger with eventually come, that's apart of the healing.

     

    How will I handle it when it gets here?

    The true anger.

     

    Isn't it weird that I was able to write it without feeling?

    I don't know, is that a good thing?

    Is that normal?

     

    To be honest I don't know how much I want to feel.

     

    Last week when I allowed myself to feel; I ended up in excruciating pain.

     

    Right now, I think I'm satisfied.

     

    I'm a little worried though.

    I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow.

     

    I know I won't regret reporting the rape, but how will I feel?

     

    I actually visualized everything that happened to me during the rape.

     

    I guess I'm concerned because after writing that report I realized how detached I became during the rape, and thinking about that does upset me.

     

    In the report I can see the difference, before and after.

     

    Me before the rape, and me after.

     

    How come no one reached out to help me?

     

    I know it was obvious. I know they could see the difference.

    Ariel........

    She didn't even care enough to help me.

     

    She interrogated me at a time where I was detached, and scared, and in shock.

    Who would be so mean as to treat someone that way when they are in such a delicate state.

     

    I'm not as mad at the rapist as I am at her.

     

    Him I didn't know. It's okay for him to be a monster, but not her.

     

    I trusted her!

    She betrayed me!!!!

     

    I showed her nothing but kindness and she betrayed me.

     

    I was numb.

    Numb.

    I was raped, and I was numb.

     

    In my own world.

    Gone.

     

    I was gone.....

     

    Why did I have to leave?

     

    I guess it's the way the mind has to protect itself.

     

    For me to be so overwhelmed with reality that I check out.

    To be empty, hollow, void, it's something I never wanted to be.

     

    And maybe I am angry.

    Because there's a part of my that I can't get back.

     

    That part is gone now, dead...and I miss it.

     

    I miss the me that I used to be, and she's dead, and I miss her, and I want to her back.

    He killed her!!!!!

    That bastard killed her!

     

    How am I going to ever find what I lost?

    I know it's gone, but I can't even put a finger on what it is.

     

    I'm tired of trying to always be strong now.

     

    I used to be able to be vunerable, to be me.

    To curl up on the couch at the end of an eventful day and be happy.

     

    That person is gone guys.

     

    It hurts so much.

     

    People say, "you'll be stronger now".

    But it's not a fair trade.

     

    I would give back my new found strength to be the person I used to be.

     

    Any innocence I had left, vanished.

     

    I can't be carefree any more.

     

    I just want to be happy again.

    Completely and utterly happy.

     

    I make it through my days, and things are better they are.

    But I still feel empty on the inside.

     

    I just wish I could........

     

    Nothing is helping me right now.

    Not words, not writing nothing.

     

    Can someone please tell me if there is a possibility of coming back.

     

    People who have been raped, people who have checked out for a little while, due to rape.

     

    Do you feel again?

     

    Do you get the old you back? How do you get her back if she's dead?

    You can't get her back can you?

     

    So what happens, do you go around being strong all of the time.

     

    I've always been in touch with who I am and I can't touch anymore.

     

    I know this sounds crazy, and maybe it's because of the lack of sleep.

     

    But to you ever feel like you're screaming into nothing, into no where?

    Like your scream gets lost?

     

    I'm making progress and everything.

     

    But if I were to be honest with myself, I feel hopeless.

     

    I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and see who I really am.

     

    You know, after the rape, when I went to the bathroom, and I finally made myself look in the mirror....do you know who I saw?

     

    I saw someone I didn't know.

     

    And do you know what I see everytime I look in the mirror now?

    I see someone I don't know.

     

    I see someone I don't know staring back at me.

     

    That's what I see, in the mirror, each and every single day.

     

    And no matter how much counseling I have, or how much progress I make.....

     

    I still have to look in the mirror, and I still have to see that person that I don't know.

     

    And to be quite honest, I don't think I want to get to know that person.

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