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Gracelove

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Posts posted by Gracelove

  1. I've never heard of a hidious vagina before. I never knew such a thing was possible.

    [Granted the only vagina I've seen is my own].

    What do you mean it's all hanging out?

    I really want to understand your post, but what's "hanging out"?

    I'm sure that whatever is discouraging you about your vagina isn't as bad as you believe it to be.

    Would it be embarrassing to explain futher???

  2. I'm not feeling so well.

    I've been feeling depressed and sad lately.

    It's has gotten really bad.

    Yesterday I sat in front of the mirror watching uptown girls and crying.

    (the mirror was next to the T.V., I was originally doing my hair).

    I've been feeling so down, I don't even like the state I'm living in too much right now.

    But then I don't even know if I'd really like my hometown that much more.

    I don't know if I'd be happy anywhere.

    Why aren't I happy anymore? I used to be the happiest girl around.

    The flowers in my apartment are dying, and all I want to do is hide myself away from the world.

    ***Just a note: "uptown girls" is a really good movie...it's comforting, it's meaningful, and my new favorite movie.****

  3. Why? Why am I so angry now?

    I find myself worrying. I trust that God will punish the person who raped me and his accomplice...but apparently I'm not trusting enough.

    I don't know...what will be their punishment?

    I don't even know if it's about that really, I'm just angry. I'm so angry and I want them to pay.

    I don't want to be an angry person. That's never been in my nature.

    I don't want to turn, change.

    What am I supposed to do?

    I just feel like there is no justice.

    I know there is, but for some reason I feel like there isn't.

    I'm...I don't want to say "scared" I am so tired of that word...I'm worried.

    I'm worried for myself.

    I mean, I can't even study. How am I supposed to finish school if I can't study?

    Why is all of this pressure on me? Because my world is different now, because someone raped me.

    I...I need medicine that interferes with my leading a normal life at times.

    I need medicine to sleep so that I don't get sick, but when taking that medicine I sleep for more than 12 hours at times.

    What am I to do? What if I can't cope or handle all of the responsibilities for me right now.

    I'm tired of saying it's the rape and medicine, even though it is!!!

    All of the crying in the world isn't going to help me.

    I'm drowning. I don't have a therapist anymore.

    I don't have any money.

    I have a lot of work to do and I can't seem to get started.

    And sometimes I even feel like my brain isn't working.

    I used to be so smart.

    Now???

    Now, I'm angry! I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of hurting I'm tired of pulling all of this extra weight!!!

    I'm just angry now!!!! I'm so angry! And who cares if the world isn't fair! This isn't fair.

    My parents can't take care of me anymore.

    I'm almost 23.

    I'm supposed to be able to support myself, it's something I've always wanted to do.

    And I have been able to support myself in the past. But now?

    I feel like a child. A Child!!!! And I want justice!!!!! I want it, and I want it now!!!!

    Why are bad people rewarded? Why do they get to move on with life freely? Why? Why?

    Why am I this way?

    I've tried to reason, I've tried everything.

    I've reminded myself multiple times of my situation, just hoping to find comfort in it.

    But there is no comfort! None. No comfort.

    Anger has never been my friend, but right now I feel it is living in me.

    I don't know where else to go.

    I've tried everything else.

    It's not helping me.

    Now I'm angry at the people who I should be angry at.

    And now what?

    Let go?

    I've tried.

    And you know where it leaves me? In a hole that I can't get out of.

    That's where it leaves me.

    In a hole.

    I'm in a hole, I'm in a small, 12ft. hole, with a shovel.

    And everyone thinks that's great, that I can make everything work now....But I can't use a shovel to get out of that, shoveling any dirt will cause an avalanche.

    I don't know.

    I hate my life!!!!!! My life was decent! It was workable! I have a chance. I had a chance at life!!!!

    Then what?

    Now what?

    I have no chances!!!!

    I'm so tired to people doing crap to me and leaving the whole thing in my lap!

    What am I? A dumping ground?

    Everytime I pull myself back up something comes and knocks me down.

    Do you know how frustrating that is?!!!!!!!!!!

    And all I've tried to be is a good person, that's it?!

    Well, that has gotten me nowhere!

    I don't regret being who I am, but is there any protection? Is there an protection for me?

    When any random person can come up to me and do what they will.....?

    What kind of crazy world is this?

    And yes I was sheltered. I was so sheltered as a child and teenager.

    But I don't resent it.

    I don't.

    At least I was able to have a little bit of happiness in this crazy world.

    The only problem is that now I don't know how I'll make it.

    How will I make it in this world? How? How will I make it?

    Why is school so critical right now? How am I suppose to concentrate?

    How? I don't know.

    Any suggestions for how to rid oneself of anger?

  4. I'm so mad at that girl Ariel!!!

    I don't even know how to forgive her because I don't even know who she is.

    I knew this girl for almost 3 yrs.

    We weren't best friends, but now......

    I just can't believe what she did, I'm still in shock!

    How to I forgive her, I don't even know what to forgive.

    It's not like she's this girl I know that just made a huge mistake.

    She's someone else, I don't even know that person. She's someone who calculates, and schemes, and is evil.

     

    I mean, how do I start to forgive if I can't understand?

     

    I just can't grasp it yet, it's not clicking.

  5. Hey There Guys!!!

    I'm sorry I haven't answered some of your questions.

    Um, I don't really think about the rape anymore, occasionally yes. But not really.

    I mostly just experience emotions, sadness, etc.

    Sometimes I think about the toll that rape has taken on me and my family.

    Even financially.

    It's a lot to bare sometimes.

    I wish things were different.

    I do have negative feelings associated with the word rape. When I hear it, it has new meaning.

    It's an ugly word and at times I'm ashamed to be associated with it.

    I'm not really expecting a conviction out of this. I just need to turn in the report for my own emotional healing.

    I'm glad I did it.

    As far as getting someone to hurt him. I've thought about it, but not seriously. Because then that would make me wrong.

    I mean, I just couldn't live with myself knowing that I was responsible for something like that.

    And I would be more concerned about the people that I asked to do such a thing. I wouldn't want them to get in trouble over it.

    I don't know. I wish he could be raped, that, now that I would like.

    Just so he knows how it feels and will never do it again.

    On the other hand that could give him a reason devote more time to raping victims.

    It's just horrible, ya know.

    I can't believe he did such a horrible thing.

    I don't talk about him often, and if I think about the situation I often think of his accomplice.

    She infuriates me!

    I don't know how she could do this to another woman.

    How could she do this to people?!

    It's crazy!

    N-Ewho, I mostlt think of her, and her betrayal.

    As far as the rapist, I want nothing more to do with him.

    He's a bastard and I prefer not to think about him most of the time.

    I don't think of him.

    I know what you mean, it does help to talk about it, but then again sometimes I don't know what to say.

    It's just a hard thing to process.

    Thanks for your support guys!!!

    Sincerely,

    Grace

  6. I'm watching this older 48 hours show.

    And there is this woman that was raped by a police chief!

    I mean, talk about hard. You have to have guts to report a rape when the person that raped you is a police cheif.

    I don't know, but it's starting to seem like rape is much more common than I originally noticed it to be.

    Ummmm, why are their so many rapists?

    I mean, is rape fairly normal and I just didn't know about it?

    Is it like cancer, chicken pox, or a horrible accident? It just affects some people, if it happens to you....it's just an unfortunate part of life?

     

    I don't know...if that were the case, maybe I'd feel more like a survivor.

     

    I mean, rape has a tendecy to make me feel so dirty. But if I look at it as some sort of ____ I've survived, maybe that will help.

     

    Ya, I don't want to feel dirty. I want to feel cleansed, new.

     

    Anywho, I'm going on a special diet, I started today and it's great.

     

    I've decided to give myself a new body for my new birthday.

     

    I'm all about NEW right now.

     

    But ya, I think that maybe I won't feel bad about myself because I was raped.

     

    It's just that, I used to feel like "OH NO!" "Like I'm a big and huge trouble maker because I've been raped". Like, "now I'm going to inconvience someone else's life because they committed a crime against me".

    I was so embarrassed, like something was wrong with me, or that I was abnormal because I'd been raped.

    Most of all I felt weak.

    I felt like I should be ashamed for not being able to protect myself.

     

    And I must admit, sometimes it still hurts.....

     

    ..but at least now I feel like I can be normal again. Like the rape wasn't a sentence to a horrible life.

     

    I'd rather think that it's some bad memory that I can get over...like times when I was sick and in pain...just a memory.

     

    I mean, is that too much to ask? I don't want my name being associated with rape for the rest of my life.

     

    Yes I'm a rape victim/survivor, but does that have to define who I am???

     

    Anywho, I'll have to call the rape center again.

     

    They promised to return my call last week. But I haven't heard from them.

     

    Well, I don't know.

    I guess that's my life right now.

    I just think that I need to be around more people who've been raped.

    I need to feel like I'm not alone, not estranged, not the odd one out.

    I mean hearing about how that woman was raped and received no justice, made me feel like, maybe things weren't that bad for me.

    The rapist later shot his wife and himself (both of them eventually died).

    Why are so many women raped? Are we easy targets?

  7. For some reason popular television shows from the 80's and early 90's really depress me (Golden girls excluded).

     

    I don't know why.

     

    I'll flip by the Cosby show, and although it may only be on for only second it really, really depresses me.

     

    And I don't understand it. I had a really good childhood.

    I just don't understand it.

     

    Actually, it does make me think of a few things.

     

    My parents and I would sit down and watch T.V. together when certain shows were on (the ones that now depress me).

     

    I don't know, I do have a few issues with feeling neglected as a child.

     

    My parents were around but often really busy.

     

    It makes me a little sad to think of it.

     

    And they are such excellent parents.

     

    Even now I get a little sad when my boyfriend gets really into his work.

     

    I used to get really good grades, but I would study during the times my boyfriend couldn't hang out with me (with past boyfriends that is).

    I put them first and my work last, and it always worked out for me.

    Because I was happy with them, and I always did my best work when I was happy.

     

    I don't know, I know it sounds silly to be depressed by T.V. shows of a different era, but has anyone felt this way? Or is it just me?

     

    You know what? I can think of quite a few times when I was unhappy as a child.

     

    But no one ever knew because I was always smiling, people have often sad that I'm the happiest person they've ever met.

     

    I mean, there are so many different experiences that I've had, and different struggles along the way.

     

    Why have I been so sad? I've often ignored the sad moments of the past, but I really want to know now.

     

    I don't understand why I was so sad.

     

    I mean, I could have fun with people. Laugh. Really enjoy myself. But not always, sometimes I had real lows.

     

    I think I'm a little disappointed in my parents a little bit.

     

    During my highschool years there were times where I had constant suicidal thoughts, they didn't know I was troubled.

     

    And then there was the whole eating disorder thing. They didn't catch on to that until they saw some special on dateline or 20/20.

     

    I just wish I could be thoroughly(spelling?) happy.

     

    And most of the time I go around thinking that I'm happy, and acting like I'm happy. But then, looking back...I wasn't as happy as I chose to remember.

     

    Most of all I want to figure out the whole depressing- T.V.-shows thing.

     

    I don't think that glimpsing a T.V. should bring my whole world down. It just doesn't make sense.

     

    And it's not like it's a 5 second thing. The feeling can last for 10 to 15 minutes.

     

    I just wish I could get myself together.

     

    Stop being afraid of the world.

     

    I know how to function in the world, and get alone with others, but I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever really feel safe in it.

     

    I just want to feel comfortable in life, completely happy.

     

    I hate to think that I wasn't a happy person all of the time.

    I mean, people always tell me how happy I am.

     

    It used to make me feel invisible because they would say it on days when I felt my world was just falling apart.

    It was like no one could tell that I was hurting. It scared me.

     

    And I guess that's why I got scared the night of the rape.

     

    I told Ariel that I was drunk, because that's what I believed at the time (F.Y.I. I was drugged).

    And she said to me, "No you aren't".

    Instantly I felt scared, unsafe, and little panicked (spelling?), and hurt.

     

    After the rape I had to convince myself to speak what I was feeling and experiencing. It was really hard for me, but it was the only way I could keep others from judging me.

    They didn't know what I was going through, and were coming down kind of hard on me because I couldn't perform like I used to.

    It hurt...

    ..to feel like I was disappointing people on top of everything else.

     

    So I learned to say that I was having a hard time, and was afraid to stop informing people, because I was sure they would mis-understand me again.

     

    Now..........

     

    I'm trying to be like I used to be, somewhat normal.

     

    I just feel like a burden sometimes. And I try sooo hard to be mature.

     

    But sometimes I feel like things are out of my reach. I'm doing the best with what I have but sometimes it just doesn't seem to be good enough for others.

     

    And sometimes I want to scream.

     

    I mean I feel better, but there are issues ya know.

     

    I'm on medicine, but now I have to worry about insurance coverage and it's one big mess.

    I wouldn't care so much if I wasn't on medication that I have to have.

     

    I can't even sleep without sleep medicine, isn't that crazy!

     

    And we all know how well the brain functions without sleep.

     

    And sometimes I can't help but think, none of this would be an issue if I wasn't raped.

     

    I mean, I would be done with school, I would have my own job, I wouldn't be emotionally screwed, I wouldn't be dependent on meds, I would have a beautiful future!

     

    I would be thin, I would be beautiful, flawless, with cute clothes and confidence.

     

    But then again, I don't know, would I have a cat, LOL! Sorry I just needed to humor myself a little bit.

     

    Anywho.......

    Ahhhh!!!!!!

     

    Sorry I just had to let that out.

     

    I can't believe things sometimes.

     

    It's sad to say, but sometimes I've thought things might have been better if I passed away during the rape, due to the drugs he gave me.

     

    I mean even now it sounds ridiculous, I mean what kind of moron would go around drugging people?

    I mean is it just me, or is that crazy?

     

    I mean these people are really sick in the mind.

     

    Oh, I saw this movie today right...and in it these people abducted children, rape them (child porn) and then murder them!!!

    Of course they didn't show anything inappropriate. It was suggested, they gave more than enough hints to let you know what was going on.

     

    I mean, can you believe it!!! They were sick! And worst of all is that they tried to come accross as a wonderful husband and wife, just soooo perfect.

     

    I mean they had the whole "Cleaver" thing down pat.

     

    I mean the whole time they were acting hella nice and normal, which was realllllly scary.

    Well actually, I guess they weren't acting normal, they were a little bit over board.

     

    And that scared me a little. I mean I don't understand it.

    They were evil, and you wouldn't have been able to tell by looking at them.

    I mean they were pure evil, and they continued to act like friendly, kind people even after their acts had been exposed.

     

    Is that not crazy?!!!

     

    I just can't get my mind around that.

     

    Just like I can't understand why someone would rape me.

     

    I mean what kind of nut would just wake up one morning and choose to rape a complete stranger?! I mean there have got to be a few screws missing there.

     

    And I don't want to even be related to a person like that.

    I want to forget that a crazy, evil person, violated me in the most intimate way!!!

     

    I mean....how can the happen.

     

    I mean that area is supposed to be sacred, and for a person I love, a person that I'm close to, and that evil psycho! just decided to go there.

     

    I mean that is so not normal.

     

    And yes I would like to ignore it, who wouldn't?!

     

    Nobody wants to be raped by a crazy person, and all rapist are crazy.

     

    I don't understand it guys, and maybe I never should.

     

    In the movie the lady shot those two dispicable * * *-holes.

     

    And the part that's so scary is that they continued to act like nice people, no, I think the part that scared me the most is that they wanted to act like victims simply because they'd been caught, WHAT?????!!!!

     

    Where do people get off?!!

     

    You're not a victim because you've been caught and exposed as an * * * * * * *.

     

    I mean these crazy people actually expect someone to feel sorry for them!!!

     

    Rapist J. (the psycho that raped me) will probably act the same way, "oooooh, feel sorry for me because someone exposed me as the rapist I am, boo hoo hoo".

    Crazy bastard!

     

    I'm sorry, I guess I got off on another tangent, but some people scare me.

    Some people really scare me because their thinking is far from normal...

     

    ...case and point...Rapists and murderers

  8. Oh my gosh! I just found out about Steve Irwin's death about 25 minutes ago!

    I was really shocked to hear about it, I found out while watching the Animal Planet.

    It's so sad, I certainly didn't expect him to die, despite all of the risky things he was doing.

    Thanks for the advice.

    I'm glad to hear that the remedy is slightly simple.

    However getting started is always the hardest part.

  9. I'm so tired.

    I feel unwell.

    I feel calm, but there's something else that I can't put my finger on.

    I'm trying my best to hold everything together.

    Now-a-days, it seems as if, being sad makes me physically sick.

    It's not sickness like before, not sickness due to rape.

    Although I don't deny that some emotions I have are probably a result of that.

    I really don't like the word "rape", needless to say I guess.

    N-Eways, I'm on medication, so that may have an influence.

    Is there anyone else that has had similar experiences?

    Do you know how to control such things?

    I'm sure part of the problem is due to the medicine. Are there any techniques I can practice?

    I can't believe that stress can make a person so ill, who would have thought?

    Help please, I'm really feeling pretty badly.

    Thanks!

    ~Grace

  10. I know you said you've seen a few doctors, have they prescribed medicine?

     

    I know that anti-depressants can help.

     

    Personally I think that you just need to take the time to get to know yourself, really.

     

    Get a journal, and right down everything.

     

    Write the bad thoughts you're experiencing and write how they make you feel, not about what you think others feel about your behavior/antics.

     

    Write how you feel when you have those thoughts.

    Do you feel somewhat pleased?

    Scared?

    Secure?

    Don't be afraid of your feelings, k.

    If those thoughts make you feel something pleasant, don't dismiss them.

    You have to get to know yourself better.

    If you explore and examine yourself regardless of any fear you're feeling, then you'll eventually discover the source of your thoughts and feelings.

     

    You don't want to get to the point where you feel that you can't trust yourself, or the things you'll do...that means you are a stranger to yourself.

    And I think that has to be one of the worst things.

     

    Start researching your thoughts and feelings, I'm sure that will help you with your current situation.

  11. Hey There MI shell

     

    Thanks for the compliment, you're so sweet!

     

    I do know of a beautiful place, it's a park near my home.

    I haven't been there in a while, but it has always relaxed me.

     

    Thanks for the reminder, I think I should go there sometime soon.

     

    Have a great holiday weekend!

     

    ~Grace

  12. Hey There!!!

    It sounds like there is a chance you guys will get back together.

    Maybe you should consider dating as well. I know you love her and that dating is probably the last thing that's on your mind, but it may not be a bad idea.

    At least that way she'll see that she can't "put you on hold".

    If she is free to date others, then you should do the same.

    Even though you may not be interested in finding another girlfriend. You don't have to kiss anyone if you don't want to. Just hang out.

    If she thinks that she can do anything she wants, and come back to you simply because you'll be there, you are putting yourself in an awful situation.

    I guess I would just suggest that you date as well. It may force her to get serious about your relationship.

  13. Hey There ____X:

     

    I feel your pain.

    Not being able to fight back is a really difficult thing to cope with.

     

    Being helpless........

    you know?

     

    How long ago were you raped?

    Where are you in your recovery process?

     

    Things do get better.

    I know sometimes it seems as if they never will.

     

    Have you sought counseling?

     

    I had a counselor, but today I just found out that I won't be able to see her any longer (money issues).

     

    If it's at all possible, maybe you could be evaluated by a professional.

     

    I was diagnosed with Major depression and anxiety disorder due to the rape.

    Anti-depressants and sleep medicine have really helped me.

     

    It's really hard to adjust to the medicine, but I believe it's worth it.

     

    It'll be okay. I hope you'll be able to take comfort in the fact that you aren't alone.

     

    It's a rough road, rape recovery.

     

    I'm sorry that you were tied up. That's horrible.

    It's really difficult to put feelings and emotions into words, regarding rape.

     

    I've felt so many different emotions that I didn't have words for...even today.

     

    Hang in there okay.

     

    If you ever need to talk, PM me.

     

    Sincerely

    ~Grace

  14. Today has been a rough day. I cried a lot. Slept a lot. I even got angry.

     

    I've been so defensive.

    I've felt like I have to defend myself from the rapist and his accomplice.

     

    But I really don't have to anymore.

     

    I know who they are and what they've done.

     

    I think I'm okay to grieve now.

     

    I'm been fighting an invisible force, I've been afraid of being beaten down.

     

    Maybe they can hurt me again...who knows.

     

    I'm tired of trying to fight.

     

    I want to be at peace again, I want to be peaceful again, and I can't be that way when I'm constantly on guard.

     

    I do have a lot of trauma to work through because of the rape, and that's okay.

     

    Nothing's wrong with being sad.

     

    I know people have been expressing that to me, but I just couldn't accept it.

     

    And when it comes to the investigation.

    That's okay too.

    They will lie, because they are liars.

    And I can honestly say now, that I'm okay with it, because I don't expect them to be anything more than what they are.

     

    And that's that.

    Not to say that I won't vent from time to time, or be sad.

     

    But I think I'm beginning to accept that the rape WAS out of my control.

     

    They meant to do me harm, and they did, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I'm half of a person.

     

    They were just mean, and they would have done it to anyone.

     

    I am blessed to be alive.

    If they overdosed me I could have died.

     

    And that does make me sad.

    It makes me sad to think that they could have killed me when I had shown nothing but kindness to either of them.

     

    But that's life.

     

    And I'll grieve. I'll grieve for me.

    Because I've been hurt really badly, and now I have to heal.

     

    I'm better now.

    And I think that despite all of this, I can still be me.

    I think that's what has been scaring me.

    That I now have to be a different person.

     

    But I can be the same person I used to be. I'll be wiser now.

    More cautious, but overall, I'm going to try to be me.

     

    And I'll try to remind myself that I'm not responsible for their actions.

     

    I think the rape made me feel tied to them, tied to them and their evilness, and that made me feel like a bad person.

     

    But I won't be tied to them any longer. They are on their own now.

     

    I'll prohibit them from having any part in my life.

    Even in my thoughts (to the best of my ability of course).

     

    I think I'll do my best to forget them, not what they've done...but them.

     

    So, that's how I feel.

     

    Thanks for everything guys!

    Espicially listening.

     

    ~Grace

  15. Hey There snowgirl!

     

    How are you doing? I hope all is well with you.

     

    Thank you for your support as always.

    I have no intention of contacting Ariel again, but she deserved to hear how I felt.

     

    She needs to know that she can't keep doing this to girls, and that her actions have not gone unnoticed.

     

    It was a little exhausting but I needed to be heard.

     

    I guess the exhausting part was realizing who she really was. I needed to let her know that I know who she is, and that I am so disappointed.

    That if she continues to get girls for that rapist, all of those girls' lives will be on her hands.

     

    I just wanted to inform her that she won't get away with it.

     

    And I'm angry. I'm angry that someone could be so good at hurting others. I can't believe it!

    She's like the plague.

    How could she do that to people? How?

     

    Simply because she might be jealous, or because she wants attention from the rapist, or she wants him to set her up on dates with other men!

     

    I mean what could possibly justify her behavior, ya know.

     

    I can't believe it! And I want answers.

    But I guess I already have them.

     

    My therapist believes she's not together, mentally.

     

    How could Ariel be so cold? I just want to shake her! Wake up! You can't keep feeding girls to a rapist because you have a few insecurity issues!!!

     

    And she's a liar!!! She had to lie to get me in a position where he could rape me. She lied to me on several different occasions!

     

    And then when I told her how I felt after being drugged, she purposely dismissed me!!!

     

    All of the times we've had alcohol together. She knows how I act. She knew what was going on, and she didn't care.

     

    She knew what he was going to do and she didn't care!!!

    Then she........

     

    I can't even get it out...all of the stuff that she did.

     

    She went above and beyond to break me, to protect him. From the very beginning.

     

    After I sat in her car with my world having just fallen apart.

     

    She did everything she could to keep me silent. Keep me quiet.

    She even offered to buy me things! Can you believe it?!

    Like she could buy me off!

     

    She's such a !!!!!

     

    And then she kept tabs on me, she was monitoring me the whole time!!!

     

    I feel so betrayed!

    How could someone do that?! Knowing that I was a good friend to her, knowing that I trusted her!

    How could she be so evil.

     

    And the to do it again! To another girl!!!! I mean, what does she do?! Make friends with girls she really doesn't like and then send them his way?

     

    She's so manipulative and twisted!!!!

     

    You know how you just have moments of clarity all of a sudden? And all of the puzzle pieces finally come together.

    All of those things that you really knew all along.

    All of those things.....

     

    They just all came together!

    All at once.

     

    Every single move she made I can now see.

    They were there all along but for some reason I couldn't put it together.

     

    The whole time she was monitoring me for him!!!

     

    Asking me questions about how I would take action, trying to make me think it was all a misunderstanding, just everything!!!

     

    I could sit down right now, and write out all of her steps!

     

    And why, why didn't I SEE it then.

     

    I knew she was insensere about, "checking up on me" as she called it.

    The whole time she was keeping tabs on me and trying to shut me up!!!

     

    And I couldn't understand why it alway seemed that she was attacking me.

     

    I couldn't understand all of the things she was doing. They made me realllllly uncomfortable. That's why I stopped wanting to talk to her.

     

    But I see it now, thank you Jesus.

     

    I must see, although it hurts, I feel slightly relieved. I understand it all now.

    I grateful for moments of clarity.

     

    And it was in my mind, you know.

    I kept tabs and notes of all of the things she was doing, and I just couldn't put it together, LOL.

     

    Now I've got it.

     

    I can actually say with confidence that she's evil.

  16. I see nothing wrong with being friends with someone, it's not B.S.

    It's true, if you want to "be" with a girl/woman, then you should make your intentions known from the beginning.

    Women don't have to make men their friends simply because they don't want to date them, they can simply walk away.

    If someone wants you in their life as a friend, I think it's a wonderful thing, definitely NOT B.S.

  17. Awwwwww! How cute!!

     

    You remind me of me.

     

    When I was 19 years old, I had a boyfriend who was 4 years my senior.

    And although I was 19, I was extremely nieve (I had lived a very sheltered life).

     

    So my boyfriend at the time kept begging me to let him perform oral sex on me.

     

    I thought that oral sex had to be the most disgusting thing I had ever heard of in my entire life.

     

    My boyfriend wasn't as considerate as your boyfriend, he never asked me if I was "sure".

     

    Any-hoo, I told him, "no" probably one hundred times.

     

    Then one day, we woke up together and he asked me, with that loving/pleding look in his eyes...and I said yes.

     

    Well, I felt like I was going to throw-up allllll day long.

    I felt horrible!

    Dirty! Awful!

     

    Well, I couldn't wait to talk things over with him. I loved him so very much (even though he was a cheater and I was oblivious to it).

     

    I stopped going to his apartment almost immediately thereafter.

     

    We eventually broke up (it was an oppressive relationship). But prior to breaking up I didn't do anything else sexual with him (nothing after that whole oral sex incident, I simply wasn't ready for something like that and he knew it).

     

    It'll be okay. If you don't think you like him any more then maybe you don't.

     

    Give yourself time and space if you need it. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

    P.S. In the future, when you find the man of you dreams...you'll be able to receive oral sex without feeling guilty or horrible about it.

  18. Thanks Rose2Summer!!!

    It's so amazing that you were able to out him like that!

    I'm glad you've been there.

    It's nice to feel like I'm not the only one with those feelings.

    I'm scared to find information about him on my own. I don't even know where to start.

    I don't want to see his face again.

    It's horrible that the rapist tracked you down like that!

    Did it feel good to find his other victims?

    Was it theraputic (spelling?) to talk to them? Or was it saddening?

    That's amazing. How did you find them? How did you find those victims?

     

    I know my rapist has other victims but I wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to find them.

    I don't know, at this point I'm exhausted.

    I think that maybe I should just try to let go.

    I made the report, and although I hate for him to do it again, he will.

    He has probably already raped who knows how many girls since he has raped me.

    It's sad, very sad, tragic actually...but I have to fix myself.

    Thanks for the continued support.

    ~Grace

  19. Thanks for your response robowarrior!

     

    I really appreciate it.

     

    I guess I'm having a really difficult time making myself believe that I couldn't control the rape situation.

     

    I used to always think that if someone tried to rape me I would fight to the death before they were successful.

     

    And then I was drugged.......

     

    I couldn't fight!

     

    I think that just eats me up inside. I'm still trying to digest everything.

     

    You're right, I do need to focus on being normal, on putting the whole thing behind as best as I can.

     

    And I really like that you stressed the whole support from others thing. I think that's what I really need.

    Because when people are supportive of me I feel better.

     

    I feel like someone is there to care for me.

    That someone is there to listen, and if anything bad happens to me. They'll be there.

     

    I don't want to be raped again.

     

    I don't see how it will happen if I'm not drugged.

     

    But then what if someone over powers me?!

    What if they rape me anyways?

     

    What will I do? How will I survive.

     

    What if someone comes along and ruins my life and every thing. What if they rape me and ruin my whole world and run away?

     

    What will I do?!!!! I can't take that again!!!

    I can't!

    I can't go through that again!

  20. If you're friends, then you would be more concerned and sensitive in regards to their feelings.

    I'm sure, from communicating with them, you could discern whether or not sleeping with them would be a good idea.

    I mean you're their friend, which mean you're supposed to have their best interests at heart.

    Was sleeping with them in their best interest, or in your best interest?

    How does sleeping with them contribute to the friendship???

    If you know them as people, how could you not know they'd be hurt?

    You're a man, I'm sure you've heard men discuss similar issues on several different occasions.

    In all honesty it's really hard to believe that you didn't see this coming.

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