Depressed in Abuse and Violence Posted October 4, 2006 2blessed2Bestressed Oh my gosh!!!! You've read all of my threads from beginning to end!!! I'm so flattered. I've thought about the fact that he might try to sue me for defamation, but at this point I don't really care. I've basically fallen apart, I can hold myself together on the outside, but on the inside I have so much crap to deal with I don't even see how I can being to work through it. I appreciate your advice and support. However, I do believe that he would have more to lose from attempting to sue me for defamtion. I am a kind and loving person, but I've just about had it. And if he were to ever do such a thing like that, after raping me, I think he'd have more to fear than I ever will. I'm through, I'm holding my life together as best as I can. But everyone has a limit. A human can only take so much. And if he tried to push that limit, even just a little bit, he'd wish he was never born. I do believe in Jesus, he is the only one who is keeping me together at this point. And I'm doing my hardest to keep it together. So if my rapist wanted to do something stupid like attacking me again (via the legal system) because I've told the truth, he'll have hell to pay. And I'm dead serious. Anywho, that's just a little message for him, in case one say he decides to read my post. And can figure out which of the many women he's raped, that I am. I really do appreciate the support of everyone in this community. I wish I could participate more at times. Sometimes I'm unable to reply like I want to. I actually have a new therapist now that I'm at home. I went to see her for the first time yesterday. I guess my mother filled her in on the things I was dealing with before the rape. My therapist said i have a lot to deal with, and it's true. I've been...I don't know...I guess trying to ignore things. Trying to ignore what I truly feel inside, minimizing the situations so that I can function in this life. It's getting harder though. Much harder. I've half numbed myself. And now I'm in therapy, and I'm afraid. Afraid of the rage that may be inside. Afraid that this healing process may take years. Upset that someone else's actions could pretty much ruin my life. Disappointed that I was drugged, because I really would have liked to beat my rapists' * * *. I promise you I would have sent him to the emergency room if I had a chance. And he probably would have arrived without a penis. I'm angry with that for sure. I finally realized when they first drugged me. It was at dinner. And I know why they were all just looking at me the way they did when I made mention of the alcohol and how I felt. And why I could hear Ariel asking questions about my drink when I was a mess, while we were at the club. I'm trying to channel the hurt, vunerability, and extreme pain I feel into losing weight. I'm trying not to get bent on revenge. Because when I set my mind to something I'm a force to be reckoned with. I want to be the Grace I once was. I want to be happy. I just want to be me. the me I used to be was such a beautiful person. I don't want to lose her. There is so much at stake, ya know. My life. My life is at stake. But I am stronger. I have a new strength. A silent strength. I know I can depend on myself. I know that no one will hurt me that way again. Because I'll be prepared. I'm definitely working on turning myself/my body into....for lack of a better word, a killing machine. So that if any man ever attacks me again, it'll be the last time he ever attacks anyone. I'm to that phase now. I will defend myself at all costs. My life is a work in progress. I don't think I can have many more breakdowns, I pretty much have a different way of dealing with things. Crying gets me no where, so i don't really cry much anymore. So the tears become something else, I haven't quite discovered what they become, but I know it's something that I can use to my advantage. I guess I pretty much have to bank on God punishing them better than I can. i know I have favor, I guess I should use it. Maybe if I focus on God destroying their lives, I'll feel a little more secure about mine, and my future. I guess you can see the reason I haven't been responding to many posts lately. I'm trying to work through my feelings. Trying to figure out how to make my life now, survivable. Thanks for your support and advice, it's greatly appreciated.