Gracelove

It sounds like you guys are on different pages. She seems more ambitious. Is sounds like she was interested in having a future with you which is why she was doing so much planning.

However, at the time you were interested in partying.

It only seems natural that she would move on.

She's buying a home and saving, but you haven't saved.

It's not that one is right and the other is wrong it's just THAT YOU GUYS SEEM INCOMPATIBLE. That's it. Sorry, it took a little while to get it out.

If you want to plan a future together then you both have to sacrifice. It doesn't make sense for her to move to your neighborhood, and leave her good paying job and home. Espicially to work as a secretary?! I've been a secretary, but if I get a job that pays MUCH better I'm not going to want to give that up for less.

And why should she move to where you are. You haven't proved to her that you're dependable. She couldn't depend on you to support her, you want to hang out, party, you don't own a place of your own, and you don't seem serious about work.

And it also seems selfish that you wouldn't want to move to where she is. Espicially sense you mentioned (twice I think) that there were plenty of opportunities in her town, and no opportunities for her in your town.

It seems like you're really demanding and maybe resentful of her in some form or fashion.

It sounds like you didn't want to grow with her, you wanted to pull her back, you wanted her to digress.

If you read over your post, I think it's clear that she was better off moving on, as are you.

If you want to party and have fun, live your life to the fullest.

But don't expect her to give up all of her hopes and dreams.

She may be pregnant right now, but at least she'll be able to provide for her child.

If she had quit her job, moved in with you and gotten pregnant, would she have been as well off???

It doesn't sound like it.

I Don't Know How My Post Got Copied Twice.

A girlfriend, sure. A first date? Absolutely not. An empty place will probably make her feel uncomfortable. If you're nervous and you're on a date familiar things can relax you.

I'm sure there is nothing warm or inviting about an empty place. She wouldn't want to sit on your bed because that would be awkward.

I'm sure she would be thinking, "I hope he's not expecting sex".

And things would be odd because as soon as she sees your apartment she wouldn't turn right around and walk out, even if she felt uncomfortable (that is if she doesn't want to see room).

No T.V., that would be akward. I think there would be a lot of akward silence. She'd probably be thinking, why is this place empty? Why is there no couch or T.V.? Is he planning on moving after disposing of my body??? Traveling light?

After you know the girl realllllly well, and ya'll are friends, then sure, invite her over to your empty apartment....during the day.

Do you wear cologne? Wearing a nice cologne could help you attract girls. And I would also suggest a different hairstyle than the one in the picture. Maybe get rid of the bang-look. Maybe cut your hair a little shorter, have you considered color?

I feel different.

I feel okay to move on. I feel tearful. But I realize, that my life it truly great.

I don't know if it's that I'm finishing school or not, but I think that has something to do with it.

I didn't think I'd be emotional about graduating.

It's been tough. I've had the worst times of my life during my college experience, and now I'm wishing it all goodbye.

I wish there was a way to truly convey how I feel.

I feel glorious.

It's not a threat to me anymore.

It holds no grounds.

I mean, Ariel and Jonathan don't even bother me anymore, LOL.

Isn't that so great.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted all of my shoulders, and it feels so good!

I've been wanting to close this chapter of my life for the longest time, although I would never admit it.

And now that it's here......I feel so blessed.

It's all okay now. I feel okay to be me. I don't have to be on the defensive anymore. I'm away from that space, that scene, and nothing will ever bring me back.

I'm free!!!!

I mean, even with the whole rape situation, I feel great!

I'm finally able to see beyond that place, ya know.

There's a whole, big wonderful world out there, and I'm okay.

All this time I've been so afraid. So afraid that people would side with the rapist and his accomplice over me.

Ever since he had told me he went around telling people about me, and his accomplice telling me that he was saying I wanted it.

I tell you, it all seems slightly trivial now.

I should have never been afraid, because.......the truth was on my side.

I don't know why I couldn't see it before. But now I see it's okay. I've taken my power back, they can't harm me anymore.

It feels so good to say that. All of this time I've felt endangered, but no longer.

It's amazing how heavy shame is. How you can be raped and feel guilty for someone else's actions. How you can feel so small, and feel that for such a horrible thing to happen to you, you must have done something wrong.

Whew!

That's such a heavy burden to bare, and the thing is........the victims shouldn't have to bear it.

I feel great!

Yes I'll have things I'll have things to work through. But it's okay, I have people who love me standing by me to see me through.

It's my life, good or bad, it's mine

I finally have my life back. And it's going to be a beautiful life.

Yes, I'll cry. That's apart of the grieving. And yes, I'll think back on things that have happened and will feel the pain within. But, I'll survive. And that's what counts.

And hopefully one day I'll have a daughter, and I'll be able to look after her, and pray that she won't have some of the experiences that I've had.

Maybe by then I'll be able to teach her how to be innocent without being naive (I'm sure there's a way).

I'm just so grateful, so grateful to be alive, and I haven't felt that way in a really long time.

Stay strong.

I recently passed the one year anniversay of my sexual assult. I had so many of the feelings that you expressed.

I wish you the best of luck, hang in there.

P.S. That day may not be as bad as you imagine.

Thanks Pink Sheep!!! I will.

@ -)---(- Live, Laugh, Love -)---(- @

~Grace

Wow! I am so sorry!

You've been through soooooooo much! I'm not even quite sure what to say.

Naturally you're exhausted.

Are you in therapy?

I can relate to bad things happen, one after the other.......however my experiences are no where near yours.

I can relate to gaining weight, becoming over-weight in a short period of time.

And I can also relate to going from feeling pretty, to less than.

On the other hand, I was devastated when I had to give my kitten away about 2 yrs. ago, so I can't even imagine what it's like to lose your children.

Life can be cruel and un-nerving at times.

I guess all I can really do is say I'm sorry.

I feel I'm pretty much at a complete loss for words.

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but I do believe God loves you.

Sometimes I forget to remember that. I'll see all the sad and crazy things happening in my life and I forget.

I don't have answers. I couldn't tell you why some things happen and others don't.

Or why sometimes it seems that you receive punishment for doing good, while others who obviously carry evil in their hearts seem to reap benefits.

I will say that, those people will pay for the wrong that they do.

I don't believe your husband and ex-mother-in-law will get away with what they've done.

I was recently wronged by two people, so I can understand how it feels to feel "ganged up on". It's hard.

I just want to send lots of love your way, because you deserve it.

Is there a way you can take time to yourself? Time off from work? Do you receive disability? Something?

You need time, time to heal.

Stress will kill you and it definitely affects your health in a major way.

I was able to get a couple of months to myself, just to rest and get myself together a little bit.

I'm working through my own issues and they aren't nearly as bad as yours. So you really need some time off.

As far as your daughter goes, I'm sure she's really hurting inside.

She's taking her anger out on you because children except their parents to make their world "okay".

I know this has to be really hard to deal with considering what you're going through yourself.

Hang in there!

Life will get better. There will always be good times to balance out the bad ones.

*Many Hugs*

~Grace

I'm feeling so happy today!!!

I went to the gym this morning (my new, regular routine), ahh, it felt sooo good! LOL!

It relaxes me a lot. I finally have something to do aside from work, and now I see why it's so important.

I can feel my muscles again. I'm also changing my eating habits so that I can shed this weight.

I would say that overall I feel really good.

I'm feeling really optimistic about my future and I'm really glad I'm experiencing happiness again.

Thanks for all of your help.

~Grace

Rape drastically changed my life. I realized that hell is a place that can be found on earth.

When I was raped I died inside.

There was emptiness. I was hollow.

My brain was on automatic. I would hear myself talking....trying to convince myself and others that everything was okay......normal, dandy.

I could hear myself talking, and I felt that as long as I kept talking, things wouldn't fall apart.

One day I was going to die physically, things were overwhelming...until then I didn't know that suicide could be a dark, evil, powerfully-strong pressense. I wanted so badly to live.

Isn't that funny?! If I was dead inside how could I want to live? I guess there was still a little life inside worth saving.

Anyway, I crossed that bridge; I survived.

Then hell came, and with that came a conscious desire to die. To escape the pain; a new and scary world.

I didn't know that so many things were involuntary.

I wanted to forget. I wanted to "make nice" and pretend that things were perfect.

And then, one day...I lost the little bit of control I thought I had left.

Then, I controlled nothing. My brain, my emotions, and my body controlled me. It's like they were each doing their own crazy thing and there was no communication between them.

Anyway, everything else is too long and drawn out to go through.

Oh, and one more thing, maybe a good thing, rape taught me how to be angry.

Before I was raped I wasn't in touch with my anger. Anger, true anger was foreign to me. Being angry was uncomfortable at first, I didn't know what to do with all of it, but now I appreciate it and know how to control it.

Thank you RedQueen!

Much love your way!

~Grace

Another one of those days......

I feel spilt between happiness and sadness.

Part of me feels pretty good, I've been exercising regularly and it's amazing how it affects my mood. My whole day is so nice compared to before.

Then I feel a little sad as well.

I've tried to be strong, but sometimes I don't hold it together as well as I like.

I'm in a waiting period. The things I really desire will only come with time.

I'm learning patience.

If you would have asked me before I would have said I was a very patient person, but I realize that I've so much more to learn in that department.

I've been thinking about my ex off and on. He was a very abusive person. I knew for a fact that he would kill me on a couple of occasions, luckly I was always provided with an out (a way to escape).

Why do I think of him?

I think maybe it's because I'm ready to face that part of my life that seemed so surreal and distant.

I was raped right after I closed the case with my ex (a month after).

Rape came with depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorder along with many other things...so I didn't have an opportunity to really think about the relationship.

I feel sad because I've been abused. I feel sad that it happened to me.

I don't know if words can describe how I feel, I feel like it's not my life. Like, despite everything I still don't believe it happened to me.

And I think about the rape and the whole situation, just so that I won't forget it happened.

Because I don't want to go along one day, happy after putting the situation out of my mind, just for someone to bring it up and shatter my new existence.

I'm afraid that if I forget..........it'll happen again.

I don't understand how this happened. Logically, yes, it's clear. But it's like it just doesn't register with my heart, my being.

I just don't want to think of it. I'm afraid to think of it. I'm afraid to accept that this happened to me.

I can think about it, and talk about it, but part of me.......part of me won't accept it.

Part of me doesn't want it to be me.

I don't want it to be me!

I don't. I don't want to accept it, the responsibility.

I feel like there is so much responsibility that comes with rape ya know.

I have to be extra careful about everything. Everything, just to make sure it doesn't happen again.

And it's hard, hard knowing that it's their word against mine. Ariel and Jonathan, their word against mine.

How horrible it makes me feel.

It hurts so bad.

Does it mean that I think they're better than me???

I don't think so because I believe them to carry evil in them.

But..........how do I keep from being attacked again.

And it's so embarrasing to admit that I thought she was my friend.

I so embarrased, and stupid. I mean.........

To love someone who hates you so much.

It'll always hurt.

I just can't believe...........I can't believe.

If I were to really take it all in, I.......I don't know how much it would damage me.

I've already been damaged enough.

I just wanted a normal life. A happy life.

And I don't want to be attacked again, not physically, not verbally........and it almost seems impossible to keep that from happening.

I have a responsibility to protect myself, and I've done a horrible job.

I'm worried ya know. It was like the last three years of my life vanished from time, my memory, almost non-existent. Like I was a zombie, or an outsider witnessing what was happening in my life.

And now.....I'm worried it'll all come rushing back to me.

That it'll become so real.

Why does life sometimes seem like an uphill battle?

I'll be strong. I will. I'll take it a little at a time. And if I can't keep myself safe, then I just have to accept that I tried my best and that's all I can ever do.

Wow, I can really relate.

I haven't had all of your experiences but I can understand what you're going through.

I'm so sorry, so very sorry.

I know what it's like to feel behind all of your peers, it's hard, painful.

Relationships can do that.

Before I had similar experiences, I never knew a relationship could do so much harm.

People are dangerous, some people are. It'll get better, I honestly believe that.

I've had some extremely hard times, but I'm better now than before.

Congratulatoins on escaping the relationship. Believe it or not, a lot of people don't make it out alive.

Best Wishes

Please don't trivialize what you did by saying you did it only three times. I'm sure once was more than enough.

It's amazing that you and your brother are close.

I would strongly suggest you apologize to him for what you've done.

I exercised today!!!

I'm so happy about that.

The extra weight I'm carrying puts me in pain. I look forward to getting rid of it now.

I'm still sad however, and it's hard to let go.

It's hard to let go of the eating.

For some reason I'm afraid to let go.

What do I think will happen?

I feel I need a place where I can be safe. A place where I can cry and not be bothered. Only then will I feel comfortable losing weight.....only when I feel safe.

At home, with my parents, I have no peace, I have no true alone time.......and without peace I'll never heal.

Safety is a really big thing with me these days.

I can only take one thing at a time.

Losing weight comes with it's own set of issues...people complimenting you, men staring and getting too close, in order to confront those fears I need some sense of security.

I'll do it for me. I'll work things out I know I well.

I'll keep exercising though, because that is helping the depression.

Whew!

As soon as I get my new job I'll move out.

I have the credit to do so.

I'll pay off my credit now, which will be fairly easy because I'm living with my parents.

Don't you just wish someone would hand you a job sometimes? It would be so nice.

I think I'll be able to mentally handle a second job, as long as I exercise.

The thing I miss most about school is the schedule. There are breaks inbetween classes.

Anywho......

So many things, I should take my time to work through them but sometimes I become so impatient.

But I'm so much more patient now than I was after I was raped. It took a lot of work, tears, and pain before I learned how to be patient with myself....that was so hard.

I'm watching T.V. and there is a woman on who is 900lbs.

It just makes me want to cry. I mean, how much pain do you have to be in to do that to yourself? How much?

And then you get in a place where you can't change, or it's hard to do so.

I just feel so sorry for her.

Nobody wants to be like that.

To not be able to walk........that's heart-breaking.

What is it about eating?

Do you think there is more pressure on people when they stop eating?

When I wasn't eating (so long ago), my parents were extremely strict because they believed I was becoming anorexic (which was true). But when I over-eat, they don't really say much.

Do you think society is that way also???

Anywho. Weight it the last thing I have to worry about.

It's everything else.

Oh well, step by step.

Thanks for listening,

Grace

Hey Guys!!!

Thanks for the responses.

I was raised as an only child. My brother left for college when I was 4 years old I think.

I am my parents only biological child.

I understand that they may be struggling, but I'm struggling much more because I'm the one who has had these experiences, they're just bystanders.

That's why I think that communication is important. And I've tried to communicate with them in so many ways and it doesn't seem to get me anywhere, so...I give up.

My mind is set on moving out.

I'll move out at soon as I have the finances to do so. Which will hopefully be in the next two or three months.

I'm 23 years old.

Unfortunately I live at home due to being raped, developing two disorders and depression as a result of rape, and oh, because a tornado destroyed my apartment in the state where I used to live.

Needless to say I'm really frustrated and upset

What is wrong with my parents?!!!

It's like it took me being abused to open my eyes and see what manics they are.

No wonder I was with crazy abusive psycho, and so nieve about everything.

I was taught that their way was the right way and they're kooks!!! (sp?)

My parents got home a little while ago (as if my day couldn't get any worse). All relaxation completely went out of the window.

My mom's in her regular crapy mood. And my dad won't leave me alone.

I tell him I don't feel like being bothered right now, but that's not acceptable.

He keeps following me all over the house.

I mean, that makes me totally uncomfortable.

Why can't he take no for an answer?! He wants to get all upset because I want time to myself.

He keeps saying he wants to talk but..................

...I can't take this anymore. I really can't.

I skipped work today because I felt like I was going to crack.

And then this crap. Why is he so aggressive? And controlling, both of my parents are controlling.

My boyfriend won't even talk to them anymore.

Everytime they want me to do something, they call him and try to get him to talk me into doing it.

He has caught on, they call pretending to check up on him, then give him instructions on things he can do.

My mom even talked to him about the fact that I've gained a lot of weight, Behind my back!!!

What's the point, ya know?!

Why are they doing these things? They're crazy!!!

I can't deal with this, I mean, they constantly reduce me to tears, and it isn't until I've broken down in front of them that they're satisfied.

I'm on the verge of hating them.

That's it!!!

I'm moving back to Alabama. There is no way in hell I will make any kind of recovery living with my parents.

They're too disruptive too toxic

I don't feel safe or comfortable living here

Thanks guys!!!

I did stay home from work today, and I did go to the gym.

I'll try my hardest to avoid anything stressful. Maybe I will taking a bubble bath here.

It's raining outside.

My parents will be coming home today and unfortunately that's a stressor in itself. So I'll take advantage of what time I have.

Whew!!!

I didn't want to be here again. Ya know. I wanted to get better and stay better, I didn't want to digress (sp?).

But I'm here again. I'm in a place where I can't trust my mind. It's like a car that has been sitting in cold temperature and is taking forever to warm up. Actually I don't know when it'll warm up.

I'm cold. I so scared of having sex, and feeling like I'm being raped again.

IT's like I thought everything was going to be okay and now it's not going my way again.

Everything is so overwhelming.

Work: They're adding to my duties but I'm not paid nearly enough. And that's my fault.

I want a second job but I don't know if I'll be able to handle the extra stress, espicially without medicine.

There is stress everywhere. I really need my own place, ya know. But I'll have to work two jobs for a while to get there, but I feel I'll be able to do it, I just don't know when.

Oh well.

Thanks for your support guys, it really means a lot.

~with love always, Grace

I took off work today!!!

I'm so proud of myself. I was really, really depressed and I needed the rest.

And I went swimming!!!! I'm so proud of myself! I woke up late.

There were quite a few people in the pool area. I said to myself, okay I'm fat, this is embarrasing, but who cares; and I did it!!!

It felt soooooooooooooo great!!!! Exercise really does help with depression. I feel much better than I did before.

More optimistic about my future.

I'll make myself go swimming everyday.

Okay, now there is something I'm not proud of.

I'm thinking of giving my kitten away. I'm tired of cleaning feces off of the floor everyday.

She's always under me and I'm constantly tripping over her, and if I fall I always get hurt because I'm trying not to hurt her.

She's always in crawling under me.

I don't know why I feel this way, but I do.

Here she comes right now. I know she'll walk on my computer as always.

I used to love cats, espicially kittens. They always put a smile on my face, but I don't feel that way right now.

My boyfriend's cat is adorable!!!! I love him so much!!!

And then there's the cat hair. It never bothered me before.

But now.....I'm so tired of the cat hair.

It's not that bad with my kitten, but with my boyfriend's cat it is.

Maybe I should take my medicine again.

I really want to give my cat away, cat's are suppose to be easy to train.

I think I might feel guilty about giving her away after I recover from this mood I'm in.

I so angry because I really feel like going back to my school triggered this relapse.

I just want to lay in bed all day and cry.

I didn't want to get here again.

I feel like I sound so stupid when I'm talking. Like, things aren't flowing, like I can't say things correctly anymore.

I don't want to go on medicine again.

You can't drink on anti-depressants, there are side-effects, it's just too much.

But my brain, it's not cooperating again. It's like it's moving really slow and it's not putting things together. And I feel like crying because I'm so aware of this.

I'm tired, but I can't rest.

I don't want medicine again. It makes my mind work better, but it supresses my emotions and feelings. I don't feel human anymore. And the people around me don't like the way I am on medicine.

I exercised today and my body feeling much better.

Are there any natural herbs or supplements I can take to help with the depression and CPTSD???

I do need counseling, I just need the right counselor.

I didn't consider myself as a person who stuggles with substance abuse, but maybe that's something I should think of.

The alcohol just helps me when it comes to sex.

I think I'll ween (sp?) myself off of it gradually.

Maybe sex would be easier if I didn't feel like I was under so much stress.

Maybe it's everything else. Compounded. Maybe stress amplifies the memories of rape.

I think that's got to be it.

I'm tired of all the problems this rape is causing me.

Being raped should be bad enough, ya know.

Why do all of these horrible symptoms and feelings have to be apart of it??? And your body! I'm so upset with my body. My mind. the way my body is responding to stress, to the rape.

Why does it have to affect my memory?

Why to I have to have chronic post traumatic stress disorder, and depression.

I mean, really, why does your body have to change like that?

Why? I can't even think right now. I'm so distraught. I don't want to break down, but I'm doing exactly that. I can feel it. It's like watching a train-wreck in slow motion. You know what's going to happen next but you don't feel you can stop it.

I'm confused, what are these panties supposed to do???

..... Depressed.

Today I went to the gym to get a membership. I told the trainer that I had put on about 69lbs. in the past year.

She asked me why, if I was under a lot of stress; i told her I was sexually assulted (breathe).........

....And after that, I realized I wasn't...I wasn't breathing.

I didn't realize that's what happens when I mention my assult to someone else.

The only people I've mentioned my assult to (in person) have been my therapists, parents, and boyfriend.

With everyone else it's been over the phone or via internet, so I guess I never realized it before.

Anywho.

She offered her condolences and I focused on breathing again.

I told myself to pretend that those words never left my mouth, and I was able to pretend that I hadn't mentioned the assult. And I eventually started breathing again.

Anyways, I'm tired and I'm scared.

I don't want to have another breakdown.

It's hard for me to think again. My memory is suffering again.

I'm starting to feel uneasy and light-headed when around a lot of people.

I'm scared.

I have to go to work tomorrow, but I don't want to go. I really need the day off.

But how will I explain it to my boss. I just got off of vacation.

But I need the time for me. I really need it. I'm afraid of overloading.

I feel it. I feel it in my body. And I feel sick.

I feel sick when I eat and when I don't eat. I feel like breaking down into tears. I can't make it.

And how do I explain it to my boss?

He doesn't know about my assult or my depression, or that I stopped taking medicine a couple of months ago.

I mean, when do I take care of me? Should I take off tomorrow, or suffer through another day and barely keep it together???

This long-distance relationship is killing me. Killing me inside.

I want him here with me.

I don't want to go to Alabama. I don't want to say there.

I'll be depressed alone, in an apartment, with ugly surroundings, no job, alone.

Alone, with me.

What am I suppose to do with that?

I feel trapped.

Trapped living with my parents. Trapped living away from my boyfriend. Trapped if I move back to Alabama.

I need help.

Serious help.

I miss my old therapist so badly.

I don't like my new therapist, I don't really trust her, she communicates with my parents and I don't know what she's telling them.

I can't afford my own therapy.

I can't afford anything really, which really sucks.

I'm waiting for May to roll around so that I can walk and have an official degree and maybe earn enough money to live on my own.

I went to that place, that place I hate. My school, university, whatever.

I went to that place where I experienced so many traumatic things, and I hated it as usual.

But my boyfriend was there with me and I really needed him.

As time went on while I was there I was spacey, unfocused, feeling light-headed.....

I don't know, and all I can think about is how I don't want to go back there and be fat.

Gosh, I'm so tired!!! I feel like everything is over my head, like it's too much.

I can't take this.

And my family is having their own issues, not like they can support or help me too much.

I don't know, maybe I should just take a break and go back to Alabama, but I don't want to be stuck.

I don't want to get stuck there. And if I don't have a job here (in California) then I'll probably be stuck there, because there will be no way to get back.

It's not fair for someone to be so tortured.

I'm hoping that swimming will help to relieve my stress.

Life is much better than it was after I was raped but it's still really painful and unhappy.

Maybe I should rest. I mean, my mental health is more important than a missed day of work right? That's what I tell myself, but I can't make myself believe it.

Any advice?

Sex is suppose to be between you and the person you love.

How am I suppose to feel.

I.....it's like I just can't feel comfortable with it any more. I really didn't want something like this to happen.

It's like I have to have alcohol first.

I wasn't this way before, but now, alcohol is what helps me to feel that I'm not being raped again.

Sex is suppose to be beautiful, not scary and uncomfortable.

I want it to be okay.

And eventually I want to feel like I'm able to have it (sex), feel sexual, without the alcohol.

But I am confronting my fear head on.

I'm forcing myself to participate anyway.

I mean, I'm in a relationship.

He loves me, and I want him to feel loved in return. I don't want him to feel like he's hurting me or like he's doing something wrong.

I love him, I want us to have happy and have enjoyable sex like everybody else.

All of the time.

One time I was able to have sex (without alcohol). Well twice actually. The first time it was horrible, not my boyfriend, but my thoughts.

I felt like I was being raped. In my head I kept thinking, "I hate this! I hate this! I never want to have sex again!"

And what's worst of all is that I thought, "You're such a pig". I had that thought about my boyfriend!!! Can you believe that I would think something so hurtful and something so untrue. How could I think something so horrible.

He was just making love to me, and.......I'm upset with myself for thinking that way. He's done nothing wrong towards me, he's only loved me.

And nothing is his fault.

Why do I feel this way? I should know the difference.

Well, the second time I felt bad in the beginning, but then I looked into his eyes and I was actually able to enjoy it during that second half!

I was so happy because in the beginning I was feeling like I was a failure, ya know.

That no matter how many times I had sex I would feel the same way.

But that wasn't the case. In the beginning it was hard but afterwards it felt great.

I just really hope that this part of my journey is short lived. I hope that I'll be able to have wonderful sex and enjoy it every time.

Well, thanks for listening.

I've got to get back to my boyfriend, LOL, I know he's curious about what I'm typing.

~Grace

Gosh, sometimes I just don't know about me.

And then we've been together for a year which is great! I've never been in a relationship for so long.

And I have so much pressure on me.

Where are we going to live? When will we be able to leave this long distance relationship behind and just be together???

Today, well yesterday, I seriously thought about just focusing on myself. Learning to make myself happy again.

Learning to be me again. Without the fears, or the pain.

I think that maybe I can be that way again.

Anywho, sex is complicated now-a-days.

I used to want it, or at least that's what I thought. But I really just didn't want to fear it anymore. I think that maybe if I just keep trying with my boyfriend, eventually it'll all be okay.

Although I may need alcohol to assist me in the beginning phases.

@-)-- --(-- @

I go to the police station tomorrow. I have to pick up some report for my mother.

Sometimes it seems like I just can't escape the whole rape thing.

When I'm at home their are my parents.

Sometimes you don't need to be reminded that you're going through a rough time, espicially not everyday.

@ -)-- --(-- @

I went to my school today, to take care of some things. Whew! I'm proud of myself though.

I hate that place, I have so many bad memories. It used to terrify me going to that place, but today it was decent.

Espicially with my boyfriend.

@ -)-- --(-- @

For anyone who's been in a long-term relationship (well, to a lot of people a year isn't long term).........do you ever look at the person you're with and see them in a different light?

Like, they are a wonderful person, they've been with you through thick and thin.....you love them.....but you're finding them to be incredibly immature at times, and you wonder, how did I not notice that before?

You can tell if a person is decent by the way they treat animals and kids, if they are cruel to either........run for you life.

If that dog is your baby then your boyfriend needs to respect your feelings and your pet.

If he's going to hurt something that's so close to you then you need to let him go because I'm sure there are more horrible things to come.