Gracelove

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what? You should figure out why this "relationship" seems to be working so well for you. Maybe you like the fact that he is unavailable, maybe it takes pressure off of you. Or maybe it makes you feel like you're siting on a pedestal. I'm sure he is always complimenting you. He probably plays up your fantasies. He probably takes you out places, buys you gifts. And when you're walking down the street you probably feel better about yourself because you know you are "with somebody". If you weren't getting something out of this arrangement you wouldn't stay in it. You say you just don't want to be with anyone else. Maybe you're afraid of REAL relationships, because they aren't just fun and games. In a real relationships, or in marriages, you aren't going to go the course of the relationship without fighting or disagreeing. There are going to be problems, struggles, etc, that's life. And affair requires little or no effort. You don't have to be accountable for anything, as you do in real relationships. And if something better comes along for you, you can leave the man you're having an affair with. And it's not like he can object because he's married with kids. So maybe, for you, he's just a filler. Having him calms some of your insecurities. But what you are doing is soooo wrong. I'm assuming you guys sleep together. How do you know he's not sleeping with a lot of other people? Not safe, health wise. I mean, this is just all bad. And do you want to ruin whatever reputation you have? What about his kids? What if they find out about you, the "homewrecker". How will you feel about that? Knowing you've made little children cry. That would realllly suck. Anywho, he's not telling his wife about you, obviously, so guess what? He's a liar. And if he has no problem lying to the woman who's given birth to his children, then trust me when I say he'll have noooooooo problem lying to you. Besides, I'm sure he's feeling really confident about now. So if you leave, he'll just find the "next" girl.

Nope, not me. Although I stayed with a partner I knew was cheating once.

Awww, I'm so sorry for your pain. Have you considered attending a college that has majority African American students? It might help. I can't imagine how hard it must be living with a family that looks nothing like you. I think that maybe you just need to get in touch with your ethnic roots. I completely empathize with you, I really do. I was raised in a diverse environment (well, it's not completely diverse, there aren't many people of my ethnicity around). However my parents made sure I was always surrounded by my own ethnic group. And taught me the beauty of my culture. As a result I've always loved who I am, in regards to my ethnic background. I feel very comfortable being me. Also, my parents always discussed issues such as racism against our culture. So, I grew up expecting certain groups of people to be racist. It's so normal to me. Understanding the ways of the world has made me a better person. It has helped me to love people, you know? So if someone makes a racist comment, it doesn't bother me much at all. And I'm able to still be friends with them, and have relationships with them, because to a certain degree most people are unaware that what they are saying is racist. Okay, for example. I have a friend, who is drop dead gorgeous right. She's fair skined, tall and just out right beautiful. She works in corporate america, and secretly hates being there because of all of the racists comments and behaviors she has to endure. We both grew up in the same city however, I was more sheltered. I was home-schooled, and every child at the school was African-American just like me. We were taught about our own beautiful history. And every month we learned about other cultures (in addition to our own), ate their ethnic foods, etc. So, I have no problem being around people of different ethnicities. And the misunderstandings some people may have bother me at all. And because of that. I'm able to have wonderful relationships with people of all different ethnicities, because I don't really hold it against them you know? And they appreciate it in the long run. And then you come to see beautiful people really are at heart. And when you don't focus on such things, I really think that you won't encounter much of it. You know? Because a lot of people I know seem to have lots of problems when it comes to racism. Like my friend, she is a lighter complexion than I am, and she seems to encounter more issues in regards to racism. I barely have problems with race. I just don't have to deal with it much. I think that when you are an open person, you tend to attract more open people. Like if you appreciate different ethnicities, you tend to attract people who appreciate your ethnicity. And because I've been taught about the ways of the world, my few encounters with racists people don't phase me. Since you were the only "brown" person in your home, I'm guessing your parents didn't feel the need to educate you on the fact that there is racism in the world. I think because they are unaffected by it for the most part, they didn't see it as being necessary for the development of your self-esteem. Anywho, I think that maybe you just need a little encouragement and R&R. Anywho, I think that you should go somewhere, where you are embraced for who you are. Somewhere, where race isn't at all an issue, because everyone looks like you. Some place where you can talk about your feelings and be understood, without fear of judgement. I thinkt that what you really need. Good luck, I hope you feel better. Just remember that you are valuble, and have something beautiful to offer the world. And that your uniqueness will be a blessing to someone else.

I have no clue, lack of insight I suppose. The man is the one who made the commitment to her, not the "other woman". The "other woman" has no idea who in the hell she is. In my past relationships, I always let my exes know, that if they cheated, it would be them who would suffer the consequences. I've been cheated on before, and I could care less, about the "other woman". She wasn't apart of "our relationship", so in my mind she didn't matter. People are people, you can't hold anyone who doesn't want to be held, I've always known that. If they want to leave, they are free to go. Sneaking around is unnecessary. Actually it's a huge waste of time if you ask me. I prefer they just tell the truth you know? Don't go around lying to me, just say you want out. It's that simple. I kind of think that women who surpass the man and go straight for the woman they don't know, are naturally catty. That's the only thing I can think of, because it doesn't make sense. Unless of course it's one of those situations where the woman is a close friend. Then that has to do with betrayal. So I can understand that, but I'd think in that case you'd go after both. Better yet, why even go after them? That's too much energy. I don't know, I prefer to just cut the people off. It's much easier.

Really? I'm glad to hear that!

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! And I don't usually read poetry.

What a freakin' psycho!!! Please report him to the police, he is obviously crazy/dangerous. AND, he is an absolute liar! And an extreme jerk! Of course someone will want you. There are so many nice, sweet guys out there who will support you regardless of your being raped (I met my current boyfriend after I was raped). Please report him. If the law isn't involved, then they can't intimidate him. If they don't intimidate him then he won't stop. I'm so, so very sorry. Rapists have a desire to control and hurt women, don't let him hurt you anymore (verbal attacks included). I just read what you said about the police officer! Ask to speak to his superior. I can't believe he told you that you were over-reacting! That's what makes rape recovery so hard, people don't always take it seriously. What about writing a letter, or e-mail......actually, why don't you have your lawyer go with you. I think that would be best. It's best not to report these things alone. You may need a witness. But I'm sure your lawyer could straighten everything out. I mean, who in the world cares about a rapists' recovery? What in the world do they have to recover from?

Oh my gosh! I can totally relate! I remember when my friends were suggesting that I do it. One of them is sooo sweet, and one of my favorite friends, I really admire her. I went to the book store and got the concordence (sp?) And I looked up every scripture on masturbation. I didn't find anything saying that it was wrong. And I only saw it in reference to men. So it's weird. Because if it's healthy and normal I want to be doing it like everyone else. But if it's bad (like I've heard a preacher say once), then I don't want to commit another sin if I can avoid it. It's conflicting I know. Espicially since, in my home, it was never discussed. Even now, I throw away vibrators I've purchased when I think my parents might discover them.

I'm just curious, why have you deleted so many of your threads?

Aww!!! Thanks so much teardrops. You're post means a lot to me. And to hear how you just throw on your sweats and go, that's encouraging. It's good that you try so hard as opposed to giving up. I'm really proud of you. Today I searched the internet for the most part. I guess that's life sometimes. I'm on my way to bed right now, I'm hoping things will be better tomorrow. Sweet dreams!!! Thanks for the support. ~Grace

This depression is getting to be really hard to manage. I feel so down right now. I'm up and down a lot, mood wise. I'm still trying to understand how rape can change your brain. I'm not a psychologist but does anyone know??? I mean, how does rape give you depression? How does that make you need to be on medicine to make it through days. Or, the post traumatic stress disorder....how does rape give you that. If one thing is good, it's that I don't really have any bad thoughts towards the rapist and my ex-friend (his accomplice). But I'm aware that I still have anger and pain living within me. I don't see it being directed towards anyone anymore, so does that mean I'm directing it towards myself. Oh, wait, a thought....my therapist said depression is anger turned inward. But how can medicine help you manage anger??? The worst part is feeling slow. I hate that feeling. It's like everything is slowed down and my mind isn't as sharp as normal. What's that I wonder.......... Anyways, I'm at work and am having such a hard time focusing. But this is the "real world", so I can't say I feel ill and just go home. I feel trapped, any suggestions???

I'm feeling happy right now!!! I'm really glad to say so myself. I have ups and downs but I guess that's a result of attempting to manage my depression without the medicine. Anywho I'm feeling good today, and that's what counts. I've decided to stay out here in California until my boyfriend finishes school. Although I can become quite impatient, it's best for our future if I stay out here. I have a nice job, and am working on the place to stay. And guess what................WEB CAM!!!! Why did I never think of that before??? We'll get web cams, that way we can see each other every day! That will be great! I'm really excited! Well, I'm off to lunch! Be Back Later.

I feel like everyone is on my back. My boyfriend and my parents don't seem to think I'm recovering fast enough. I'm just plain tired. And I'm through with trying to please them. I don't know. I'm doing the best I can under the current conditions. I'd wish they'd just give me my space. I'm tired of hearing, "I just want to help you". I tell them what they can do to help and they don't listen. I give up.

Hey There Annie!!! I'm 23 year old. My moving home was suppose to be temporary. I moved home to receive therapy and finish up my last few college courses. I was raped and diagnosed as having depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorder. I was pretty much a complete wreck and my parents could/would no longer pay for the therapist I had in Alabama where I was living at the time. I was only suppose to be living here for 2-3 months, until I was able to complete my classes. During that 2-3 month period I started working as a temp. so that I could make money and get used to working and being around people (which was a really hard thing for me to do, because after being raped I didn't feel safe around other people). Anywho, I was preparing to return to Alabama when my apartment was destroyed by a tornado. At first my parents told me everything would be okay and that they would get me another apartment down there. But once I was offered a full-time position where I was working in California, they changed their mind, and decided to completely drop me financially. I have a couple choices though. ~Save up money for the next few months, and move to Alabama ~Get a second job in California, save money, and get my own place ~Get a second job in California, save money, and live with parents until boyfriend moves out this way Hey There Beyond the Sea!!! I would love to move out, but would need a second job (I don't get paid enough where I work now to find a place to stay). I am in the process of looking for a second job, and have been for a while

So I'm sleeping in my bed. And I hear all of this knocking on my door. It gets louder and louder. I already know it's my mom, I make the mistake of getting up and opening the door. She says something like, "we have an hour, we can make it to the 9:00". I realize that she's talking about going to chruch. I was pretty sure I told her the night before that I wasn't going but I could be mistaken. Anyways I tell her I'm not going, she tells me I am. I go to get back in the bed, she takes all of the covers off of the bed. And then she starts following all over the house pulls on my night gown. I told her that she's acting really immature, not respecting my boundaries, and that she wouldn't be treating anyone else this way but she didn't care. And it's just so frustrating because it's like everytime I get happy about life, and make improvements I have to deal with crap like this. I mean, no means no. She's so used to being controlling though. Following me all over the house and pulling on my clothes is just ridiculous. Now I'm crying. Isn't that great. My eyes are filled with tears. I had so sit and listen to my parents talking about crap for about 30min. They just don't respect my space at all. It's extremely frustrating. It's amazing I'm not an alcoholic living in this house. Now I'm stressed. So stressed . It's like they're so insensitive. Just because I stopped taking my medicine, it doesn't mean that I miraculously (sp?) no longer have depression or post traumatic stress disorder. I still have to manage the whole stress thing because if I get too stressed I start having all of the symptoms again. And the symtoms are horrible. And whenever we have talks they strongly imply that things were good before I came to live with them. What am I suppose to say to that? I don't know what to say. It's not like I'm dying to live with them. I would have left so long ago if I had the money. I live in on of the most expensive places in California, and unfortunately I can't afford to live anywhere else right now. I don't know, maybe I should just move back to Alabama for a while. But the last time I was there I felt kind of depressed. What do you guys think I should do?????

Wow!!! Reading all these different posts under this topic has me wanting to participate, LOL. Okay, well. I feel uncomfortable with masturbation. Right now I don't masturbate at all. I'm wondering if feeling comfortable with masturbation make you comfortable with sex? Is masturbation normal??? Growing up I heard that masturbation was wrong (not from my family; it was never mentioned). From what I've heard, in general, it sounds like most women masturbate. I've always heard of men masturbating, so for some reason I feel that's their right. I feel almost like it's simply apart of their nature. Friends (which are women) that I've spoken with seem to enjoy masturbation and believe all women masturbate. Is it bad that I'm not really attracted to the idea of masturbation??? How do you guys generally feel after masturbating? Do you feel great, or do you wonder why you did it because it didn't seem to accomplish much? Thanks for listening. I'll appreciate all insight.

Wow! I know that I've had a similar issue in the past. I went out and purchased a vibrator. I wanted make myself comfortable with sex again (after rape). I masturbated with a vibrator maybe, 10months afterwards (the rape). It was hard. I was suffering from depression at the time. Do you have any idea why you're masterbating when you don't really feel like it??? My parents were out of town and I only masterbated off and on for about 2 weeks. And just like you it was like I was forcing myself to do it.It was horrible. I wasn't in the mood at all. You know, I was afraid that if I couldn't make myself be comfortable with sex then I would never be comfortable with it. I would suggest you find something to replace masturbating. Maybe you're afraid of something. You don't have to masterbate or feel pressured by any circumstances to do so. I felt much happier once I convienced myself that I didn't have to do anything that i didn't want to. Maybe you feel like you deserve to be punished for something. It seems like you're using masterbation to release frustration or inflict pain. Have you sought treatment for your depression? Do you know why you might be depressed. Hang in there, k. I know it can be hard. I'm not an expert with masturbation ( I masturbated for the first time when I was 21yrs. old and have only done it was every blue moon since then). I really wish I could help you though. It'll be okay. I mean there must be some reason why you feel you must masturbate even when you're not feeling like it. Do you feel you're overcoming a fear you have by forcing yourself to do it? I know it's hard, I suggest just relaxing. Lying down and having a good cry if you need to. Anything but masturbating. I would suggest you try to go without masturbating for at least a week. Lots of hugs for you* ~Grace

Awww!!! Thank You!!!

Awww!!! Guys! Thanks so much!!! It does feel good to be happy again and to let go. I'm not really sure what I'll be posting for my 100th thread. I'm hoping to read a lot of other threads in the future. I was able to read a lot of others last night and it was fun. Before I was so consumed with what I was going through that I didn't think I could help or give advice to others. Well, thanks for all of you're support guys. You make me smile. ~Grace

I can't believe I never thanked you guys for helping me in my time of need! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!! I've come such a long way. And of course, I'm still here. Life was so completely horrible for me then. I was on medicine back then too. Anyways, I appreciate your understanding and encouragement. With love always, Grace

Good job girl!!! Keep up the good work. There are evil and dangerous people out there. Someone once told me that you're not supposed to understand people like that because you're not that way. I don't know. I think that the whole thing is less personal than we think. I was raped, and I'm beginning to understand that it wasn't personal. He was just evil and thinking about how he could make himself feel more powerful. One of my closet friends set me up to be raped, that wasn't personal, she was just a selfish sociopath. My point is, that it doesn't have to do with something being wrong with us. I believe that the people who hurt us the most, probably don't think about us much at all. It's natural to feel pain, angry, sorrow, shame, guilt, hopelessness, etc. after someone has severly harmed us. But once we are removed from those situations we don't really needed to feel threatened anymore. Because to be honest, I'm sure we are the last thing on the minds of those that hurt us.

Wow, I'm really so very sorry. I know how it feels when someone breaks up with you while you still really want to be in the relationship. The only thing I can really offer you is hope. You'll have another relationship in the future, a better one, and you'll be well over this heartbreak. As for now, grieve, take the time to do that for yourself. Go out with friends. I personally don't like being around people when I'm sad so they usually have to drag me out, but I always have fun. Don't feel pressured to rush and get over it. Take your time. Send her an e-mail telling her exactly how you feel, it'll make you feel a lot better. If you're in pain and you're not really happy about the relationship, say so, it's okay. If you love her desperately, still, let her know. And let her know that you're just saying what's on your heart and that she doesn't have to feel obligated to do anything as a result of your letter. Love is very powerful. And you can hold on to your love for her until you feel ready to let it go. It takes time to move on from certain things. You'll be okay.

Wow, it sounds like she's running from something. I think she has an obession with starting a new. I think she's terrified of being alone and getting to know herself. She probably has many things she's ashamed of. I also think that she probably doesn't want to be with a person if she feels they know her to well. Or if she believe they notice her flaws. She's afraid of being close to someone. Maybe something bad happened to her long ago. Cheating is a way for her to scope her next relationship, while still being involved with someone (without being alone). I guess she feels that without the unconditional attention of others, she's worthless. thereforeeee she's attempting to find self-worth in the eyes of others (which isn't possible). She's damaged, and obviously hasn't taken the time to know herself. So she's depending on others to show her who she is, to a certain extent. She only wants to know her positives. Which is why she thrives in the "new love" arena. Hugging, kissing, flirting, mindless happiness, floating off of pleasant emotions. She would have to have a lot of therapy before she could actually be anyone's long-term mate.

Why did you break up with her? Whether you can get back with her or not depends on how you treated her during the break up. Were you rude? Insensitive???