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brassrat

Bronze Member
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Everything posted by brassrat

  1. Over the past six months, my wife has lost a friendship, our house of worship, is estranged from one of our kids and is barely talking to the other. The two kids aren't talking to each other either. Now she's in the hospital having just had brain surgery and she tells me that she doesn't want to go on. Dizzy all the time from the surgery. Also tells me that I'm not there for her, that I just don't have it in me. Right now it's just awful being me. Thanks for listening.
  2. Just dumping here. Once again I’m not “there for her”. So goddam tired of this.
  3. HI all--Continued thanks for your support. As a note, our daughter is not living here. She moved out just after college and has been successfully living on her own since then, about 3/4 of a mile from us. As it stands at the moment, our DIL as far as I know is still at her parents' house, and our son is living at some hotel, I guess, in our city so that he can continue his current job. Totally agree that they should have only considered renting for awhile. Part of the issue is that my DIL was physically abused when she was around 12 or so and as a result and as a result lives with a huge amount of fear. It's been difficult for her to find a place that meets her needs. And, truth be told, she has resisted getting therapy for it, at least on a continuing basis. Well. I will keep you all updated as things progress. But again, I cannot even begin to say how much your thoughts have meant to me.
  4. Thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts. There are really two issues, just for everyone's understanding. One is that they've gradually taken over the house and our son is the kind of person who won't take no for an answer. We've bent over backwards for them--in part because we wanted to, and in part because he's so difficult when he gets a "no". Basically they started just living in our son's bedroom and now they've taken over most of the rest of that floor. The other part is that our daughter feels like they are sponging off of us and in addition couldn't deal with the general chaos after the DIL first moved in. For awhile she was pleasant to both of them, then only to her brother, basically shunning my DIL. Our son has used the word "bullying" to describe this behavior. Things came to a head when we wanted the five of us to go on a trip. My wife asked the DIL if she would go and she said yes because at the time she didn't feel she could say no. We then approached the two of them and asked if they could deal with our daughter on the trip if she could be pleasant to them. Our son took that to mean that we were blaming them for our daughter's behavior. A horrible therapy session between our son, the DIL, my wife and myself in which my wife basically got shredded and I said some things about our daughter that I have come to regret. My wife is pissed at me for not "having more of a backbone" and getting them out earlier; she's also pissed for what I said during therapy about our daughter (she's the mother of both) and about how I didn't defend her very well. It came down to her saying "either they go or else I go stay with my brother until they do", at which point frankly our marriage would have been over. It still might be, for all I know. Anyway, thanks again for all your very, very kind comments and support. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME. If any of you want to continue the conversation here I'd be happy to do so.
  5. So tonight I'm kicking my son and daughter-in-law out of our house. It's the most painful thing I've ever done. Our son and my wife are basically furious with each other, beyond therapy. I'm between Scylla and Charybdis where in fact I lose no matter what. Our son and daughter-in-law will most likely never again speak to my wife. Our son blames my wife for not standing up for him around issues between our daughter and his wife. I've tried my best--Lord know I have. But here we are. My wife has given me an ultimatum--her or them. Our son is 32 years old, they're not making enough to buy a house on their own, and they haven't launched. But the tension has become unbearable and it would be good I think to force them out and force them to rent a place for themselves because they can't afford a house. I'm paying for a nice hotel for them through the end of the year, which should give them lots of time to find a place to rent until they get better jobs. Anyway, it's hell. Thanks for listening.
  6. I suggest asking her out to a movie. Not a romantic one--preferably a comedy, and not a romantic comedy. Afterwards, coffee. You should have a better idea of how she's feeling after that. P.S. You should pardon this suggestion from someone older--I would lay off the booze. Getting s**t-faced never really does anyone any good, and it's bad for your liver. Trust me.
  7. Maybe she was serous about the break early on, and then decided it needed to be permanent--but was too anxious/embarrassed to tell you. Either way it doesn't sound like she's ready for any sort of commitment.
  8. brassrat

    Soulmate?

    Sounds good to me. Being able to communicate well is the key to any lasting relationship. Hard to know if she's your soulmate since the relationship sounds only a couple of years old and marriage (or whatever) lasts a lot longer, but it sure sounds good so far. By the way--expect a fight at some point. Being able to fight well is also a key to a good relationship and not something to be feared--unless it happens too frequently and/or too violently. Best of luck!
  9. I agree with the "spark" concept. To add a complexity: is it really possible, then, to be "in love" with more than one person at a time? Does an affirmative answer then alter the definition of "love" and "in love"?
  10. Two things: 1) Nutrition can certainly play a part in hair growth; if you're not getting enough protein and (as I recall) vitamin C, then you don't get what your hair follicles need to make hair. 2) Maybe you noticed the hair fallout because it got sufficiently long to see in the shower???
  11. I hesitate to call anything from an outsider "advice"--after all, you know a lot more about the situation than I do. I can't tell for sure if you've decided to keep the baby or not. If you have, know that it will be a tremendous amount of work for a long time--make sure that you're really up to it before you continue the pregnancy (I'm pro-choice, but I'm also 51 and have two kids). Have you considered talking to a member of the clergy (assuming that you're a member of a church/temple/etc.)?? They can often be very helpful. Also, a good dose of therapy may help you sort out your issues and give you the freedom to tell whomever you need to about whatever decision you ultimately make. Good luck! And yes, in any event you need to see an obstetrician immediately.
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