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sysnoot

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  1. It’s more about the fact that I know so much about her past and so many details and stuff. And, yeah, also that I’m ‘behind’ and it feels weird. I do think this is perhaps symptoms of a larger problem, I.e. that I’m just not ready for a long term relationship yet and I need a few years to mature.
  2. Well, that’s what we’re both thinking now, that breaking up just seems like the most sensible thing to do. And I completely believe her about her past. I don’t think she’s lied about anything and I know that she hasn’t even done much in the grand scheme of things and that it’s likely people I meet in the future will have done more. But, I suppose, at least if I get into another relationship later in life then I’ll have had more experience myself so there won’t be such a difference. And I also know now just to not talk about stuff like body count etc when getting into a new relationship
  3. —Long read— I (20m) met my girlfriend (20f) in February 2022 whilst at university (I was in my second year and she was in her first). We went on a few dates and got along really well so, after about 3 months of seeing each other we decided to make it official. At first the relationship was going really well, we loved spending time together and we just effortlessly got along. It is also worth noting that before we met, I had not ever been in a relationship before and had never had sex, only a couple of very, very minor sexual experiences since turning 19. Whereas she had had two boyfriends before (one when she was 15/16 for a few months and one when she was 17 for about a year). She’d also slept with another guy whilst at uni and had “done stuff” with other guys whilst in school and college. At first, I wasn’t really aware of this, I just knew that she’d slept with 3 other guys, her two boyfriends and this other guy at uni but, because we spoke about this so early and we weren’t so close it didn’t bother me at the time. The real problems came after about a month of us dating. We were just chilling at hers one day when we started talking about whether you should kiss someone after a blowjob (strange thing to talk about I know) when she said “I gave a guy a blowjob once and he wouldn’t kiss me afterwards.” Hearing this felt like getting the wind knocked off me. I had a horrible pit in my stomach and I felt sick. She quickly realised that something was wrong and I told her how what she said had made me feel and she profusely apologised. Although, hearing it was enough. I was now hyper-focused on her sexual history and it began to consume my thoughts. I spoke to friends about it but no one really had anything to say except “damn that sucks but at least it’s all just in the past” but this really didn’t help me. Another friend told me he’d had a similar thing with an ex and that he felt that once he knew one little detail he had to know it all otherwise his imagination would run wild. I sort of felt the same, I thought that everything I was imagining was surely so much worse than the reality. I decided to speak to my gf about this and we thought it would be best for her to say what she’d done before so that I at least wouldn’t be imaging the ‘worst’. This was definitely a mistake. She told me about her past sexual experiences, mainly what happened and how many people. Finding this out just hurt so much and I felt awful. I find it hard to even express how I felt. It was such a horrible feeling thinking about all of this and how, comparatively, I’d done basically nothing. I know it was really stupid to talk about it but I just didn’t consider that however “tame” the reality is, it’s still worse hearing what actually happened as opposed to imagining stuff. Anyway, in the summer after my second year of uni this just led to months of me obsessing over her past, having mental images of stuff that might’ve happened and replaying certain scenarios over and over in my head. I tried my hardest to not speak to her about it as I didn’t want to make it her problem too but she could obviously see that I was having a hard time. It was torture, I really struggled with my mental health throughout this but, aside from this (and I know this is a big thing), our relationship was great. When I was able to put it to the back of my mind we had an amazing time together. After the summer, she was beginning her second year at uni and I was about to begin a placement year in London which was about 4 hours away from uni. I was living alone in London working in a 9-5 data analytics job whilst all of my friends were still together at uni. This is when I hit my lowest point and started becoming more and more anxious (I’ve suffered from anxiety in the past and I was sensing it coming back during this period). The thoughts of my gf’s past were consuming my everyday thinking and I was just always accidentally learning more stuff which made me feel worse. The worst instance of this was when some guy popped up on my Instagram and she pointed him out as her flatmates friend, I then knew this guy to be the person she’d slept with at uni as she’d previously said this flatmate had introduced them. Me and my gf spoke about possibly going on a short break so I could try and sort myself out but that didn’t really work (it just made us both miserable) and we were considering breaking up. Around this time, in November, I visited my friends/gf at uni and we were all about to go out to a club when someone (for some unknown reason) started talking about STDs. This made my girlfriend uncomfortable and I took her outside and asked her what was wrong. She said that she was anxious that she might have an STD (she’s got health anxiety) and I tried to reassure her by saying that she’d be fine because the only people she’d slept with unprotected was me and her ex and that we’d both be fine because we’d never slept with anyone else before her. She sort of looked away and was acting coy so I asked her if we were the only people she’d slept with without a condom and she just mumbled. It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that she’d slept with this guy at uni without a condom so I asked her and she said she had once. She said she regretted it almost instantly and made him get one but this information just felt like a knife in the heart. I couldn’t deal with this anymore so I walked her back to her house and then left her so I could see my best friend. I was in a state, I was so upset. It just felt like I was always discovering some new information and I just couldn’t take it anymore and I was now worried about STDs as she hadn’t had a test since sleeping with him and I was under the impression that she was clean yet now I wasn’t sure anymore. I got back to hers at around 3am and she was still wide awake in bed. She said her housemates thought I was a bad person for walking her home then leaving to go back to my friends but I didn’t care, I just couldn’t be with her at that time. She tried to talk to me but I didn’t want to. I was tired and upset and I just wanted to listen to music and drift off to sleep. Neither of us ended up sleeping and the next morning we spoke and I told her that I couldn’t do this anymore and we broke up. My grandfather passed away the next day and I briefly went home to see my family then I had to be back in London on my own as I still had 7 months of placement left. This, as you can imagine, was a pretty awful time for me. I hated being in London on my own and now I had lost my grandfather and my girlfriend. I don’t really see this as a proper break up though. Me and my girlfriend were both pretty torn up over it and neither of us actually wanted to break up, it just felt like the only thing to do. So we stayed in contact quite a bit. We didn’t message as frequently as we used to and not in the same way but we kept talking as friends. Throughout this two month period we never really got over each other and just spent the whole time wishing we were together. We even ended up seeing each other in December; I was visiting my friends at uni when she called me saying she had been locked out of her house at about 10pm so had to walk an hour round trip to her housemate’s girlfriend’s house in her pyjamas and a dressing gown as he was her only housemate who hadn’t already gone home for the holidays. She finally got back but she was freezing cold and was having a panic attack so she called me as she didn’t have anyone else to call and asked me to come round. I went round and helped calm her down then we just chatted for hours. It felt really nice to be seeing her again and I ended up staying the night and we slept together. Which, in hindsight, was definitely a mistake as this just made me miss her more. Anyway, I’m January I thought that being without her was miserable and I hated it and that I was willing to do anything to be happy with her. I’d already been seeing a therapist for a few months and I felt like I was in a better state of mind and was able to continue in our relationship (given that she felt the same way of course). I asked her if we could see each other to speak and I told her how I was feeling and that I’d understand if she didn’t want to be with me and that I couldn’t promise that it wouldn’t affect me but I would try my hardest to better myself for her. Long story short, we got back together and for a while it was great. I wasn’t so hung up on her past and I was thinking about it less and we were having an amazing time together. It’s now been six months since we got back together and I feel like it was the wrong decision. I hate it but I just don’t think I’m ready for a long term relationship. I feel awful for my girlfriend, she is amazing and doesn’t deserve to be in a situation like this and I feel terrible. I’ve just gone right back to being upset about the past and anxious about the future. We’ve spoken about it and, as horrible as it is (and was the first time), we think breaking up is the only sensible thing to do. It’s just so difficult for both of us as, when you take this out of the picture, we do have a great relationship. We can spend weeks together without arguing and we still have so much fun together but I just don’t think I’m in the right place to be in a relationship right now and, as fun as the last 6 months have (mostly) been, I already feel bad enough about getting back together with her and for not allowing her to move on. I’m just finding this so stressful. Every time I think about breaking up with her I just remember all the good parts of her relationship and I just think about how much I’m going to miss her. Although, I feel like breaking up is the most sensible option to do but it’s just so difficult. And it’s really hard to talk about this with her without us either getting into an argument or us both getting really upset. So, I suppose my question is. Is breaking up the right thing to do or is this something that I can get over and I’m just throwing away a great relationship because of my own personal issues? And then, if breaking up is the best option. How can I manage it and work to best get over it? I just find the thought of us breaking up really upsetting at this point. Apologies if this is too long to read, I’m more just writing/posting this because I wanted to get it all off my chest and any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading. TL;DR: Dated my girlfriend for 6 months, suffered very badly with retroactive jealousy and ended up breaking up. We got back together after 2 months and dated for another 6 months, however, I’m now suffering with retroactive jealousy badly again and we think breaking up in the most sensible option but, obviously, it’s very difficult. Should we do break up?
  4. We’ve spoken about this in the past. After she was frequently mentioning him in conversation I told her it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. And same with the photos etc. So she definitely knows that I don’t particularly like thinking about him or talking about it. So it’s strange she purposefully omitted that information knowing how I feel about it.
  5. She said at the time she wanted to tell me because she was upset and she felt like she was keeping secrets from me or that she was being dishonest because she had (presumably?) intentionally not mentioned him when she was telling me about the festival or that he was going to be there before. And she didn’t blurt it out. Just before she told me she seemed very upset about something and then said she had to tell me something, then told me about it. Again, she is very aware of how I feel about all this though. I have told her before that her talking about him makes me very uncomfortable. But at the same time I can kind of see that she was in a bit of a difficult situation here.
  6. I do want to stress that it wasn’t a camping trip per se. She had booked this festival months ago, before we had even met. And she had planned to go with her friendship group (the group her ex is also a part of). Also, the festival was expensive and she was really looking forward to going to see some of her favourite artists perform so it wouldn’t have been easy to cancel. But, it is strange and it did upset me how she didn’t tell me he was there until after the festival had ended, even knowing how I feel about it.
  7. I was very surprised she didn’t tell me beforehand to be honest. At the time, when she told me afterwards, I didn’t say anything because she was clearly upset so I just stayed quiet. But, it did bother me and make me upset. I mean she knows how it affects me so it is very strange she didn’t tell me. Honestly, this is all seems so strange. She often tells me how amazing our relationship is and how she is really happy with me and has never felt this way for anyone else and I am really happy with her too. But it is difficult to ignore these red flags. I sometimes think that maybe she doesn’t even realise it herself and she’s jumped into this too quickly 😕 Thank you for the reply though, it is good to get this off my chest.
  8. Thank you for the reply. I think I will talk to her about it and say everything that is on my mind regarding it and hopefully it can give me some insight and either reassuring or brutal honesty. I do hope I am overanalysing all of this, but it is sometimes hard to ignore the signs (hence the post).
  9. Firstly, thank you for the reply. I’m not annoyed about her going on the trip. It was a weekend festival that she had had planned longer than we had even known each other and it was very expensive. I am a bit upset that she knew he was going and didn’t tell me until afterwards, despite knowing that I am uncomfortable with it all. And that she was upset after seeing him with another girl. As for the pictures it was more just the quantity and type of picture they were. I mean, if they were photos of them with friends or the odd picture of them doing something nice or memorable that would be fine. It was just that she had screenshots of their FaceTimes and just random pictures of them round each other’s house or whatever. I think I will talk to her about it and fully explain how I am feeling.
  10. Thank you for the reply. It’s difficult for me to fully convey everything in my post. It does come across as very negative and I left out everything that is good about our relationship. However, it is difficult to rationalise her behaviour and to believe her when she says she is fully over her ex as a result. I think I will talk to her about it and tell her my thoughts/grievances.
  11. Thank you for the reply. Do you really think that would be the reason she told me? I’m not doubting you, I suppose I just want to think of any other possibilities.
  12. For context. I (20m) met a girl (19f) in January. We instantly hit it off and spoke every day and saw each other loads. We got on extremely well right off the bat and we were both clearly very attracted to each other and in April we started dating. Now, she is my first girlfriend and I am her third boyfriend, she had one short term boyfriend a while ago and another longer term one (they were together for about a year and a half). Her ex broke up with her when she moved to uni, which was about 4 months before we met. So far our relationship has been great. We have practically never argued, we can happily spend days together without getting sick of the other. We are really happy together. Now, I completely trust my girlfriend and I feel as if we have a very good relationship. I don’t typically worry about her ex or anything, she has said how she doesn’t have any feelings for him or anything and how our relationship is better in every way. But, sometimes I just feel a bit bugged by it. Her and her ex are in the same friendship group of home friends so they occasionally see each other during the holidays away from uni when they all hang out or go to parties together. Towards the start of our relationship she actually used to bring him up in conversation quite a bit. I told her that this bothered me and she apologised and said she wouldn’t bring him up. Which, for the most part, she hasn’t. She also has pictures of them in her camera roll, e.g. pictures of when they went on holiday together or screenshots of FaceTimes etc. This does bug me a bit but I haven’t said anything to her as I don’t want to be controlling over her or anything so I just try to ignore it. Also, I know this may be superficial, but one time she opened her Instagram and it opened on her ex’s profile (meaning she was looking at his profile whilst I was round hers) but she didn’t realise I saw. She also told me how they had quite a long breakup. They were still messaging and FaceTiming for a while afterwards and she was still trying to get the relationship working again until about December. Again, she’s told me that she was completely over him when we met. Recently, she went to a festival and camped with a group of friends from home, I was on holiday with my family at the time so didn’t go. I didn’t know her ex was camping in the same group until, a few days after the festival ended, she seemed upset and said she had to tell me something. She explained how she was camping with her ex (I’m not really sure why she didn’t tell me until a few days afterwards but anyway) and he was getting with this girl who he had been best friends with during their relationship. She said this made her upset and sort of ruined the rest of the festival for her. Now I can obviously see why she would care, her ex and this girl were best friends and would hang out together a lot when they were dating. At the time I didn’t really think anything of it. But I’ve spoken to a couple of friends and they think it’s a bit strange that she would seem to care so much and that she didn’t mention it to me until a few days afterwards but I’m not sure what to think. So I suppose I just want another opinion because I’ve talked to a few of my friends about everything and most seem to think it’s all a bit strange and she shouldn’t still have random pictures of them, have been so upset about her ex getting with another girl and being strangely secretive about it etc. but I’m just not sure what to think of it all to be honest.
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