Messedup22

I said he was violent and smashes our house up. Hr has only physically harmed me once when i was in the way of an object he threw

My family all live over 2 hours away, they are not an option to go live with or for financial support. I have one close friend nearby, who just got married and lives in a one bed flat with husband and 2 dogs so can not offer me a place to stay. Yes all my other social interactions are through work. I pay for 75% of all our outgoings i can not stop paying them as then i would default and it doesnt leave me enough money to rent somewhere so can move out. I could try and divorce him and stay in the home but i know what he would do.

I take complete responsibility for my actions, if it came across any other way then that was incorrect. I dont expect anyone to clear up my mess the reason for asking for advice is because ive made such terrible choices i dont trust myself to now deal with the situation correctly. It cant be undone but has to be dealt with in some way. Hes not my partner, hes emtionally abusing and violent, he smashes our house up on a weekly basis, once throwing something at me and harming me. And yes i know that doesnt absolve me of responsibilty for what i have done. That would always be the last resort, ive built my career for 17 years and yes ive made a complete hash of the last 10 months but i wont walk away unless i really have too. My notice period is 3 months so i would still have to deal with this in the short term. I cant leave currently. To do so safely i have to be able to be financially dependant, that needs time. I dont have the money to walk away, no support network around me and earn to much to qualify for help. I was asking for advice on the immediate short term issues. Long term yes i need to resolve my marriage issues. And yes im fully aware that my actions have made everything a million times worse. Not that it matters, as everything else i have done is so bad but i havent slept with anyone. D stayed in my hotel room but we didnt sleep together.

10 months ago on a work away night, a colleague (J) and I ended up kissing. We are both married him happily, me not very but I can't leave the marriage. Since then we have talked every week day, gone for drinks every week when I visit London for work, sent hundreds of messages getting know one another. We have never slept together as whilst we know this is wrong we don't want to cross that line. I've told him I love him and he says he has feelings for me but again says love is a line he doesn't want to cross. Over the last few months, its become hard for me, we had two weeks due to holidays where I missed him as we couldn't talk. When he came back it was obvious he hadn't missed me. He can compartmentalise us from his home life. I've tried to say we should end it, that my feelings are too strong but he's says we can't as the feelings aren't just going to go away. Last week due to various reason we didn't talk much and it made me really sad. When I was in London I went out with two other colleagues, J couldn't come due to home commitments. We all got very drunk. And at the end of the night one of them D) kissed me and I didn't stop them, he ended up spending the night in my hotel. What makes it even worse is I think the other colleague A knows and he works for me and I'm so ashamed. And worried it will effect my credibility as his line manager. Now I have no idea what to do. D said the next day said we should go out together next time I'm in London, I didn't know what to say and honestly I think he was just being polite, I can't believe for one minute he would be interested in me. He's completely out of my league. I don't know whats worse if he used me because he was drunk or if he does actually like me. I can't tell J what happened, they work together and it would all be too awkward. If I end things now straight away with J he may suspect something? I can't just stop going to London as its my job. Do I end things with J? but how do we just stop when we still have to work together and talk daily? What do I do if D does ask me out? What do I do about A just carry on and hope he doesn't know? I never meant to have an affair, my home life is very difficult and the romance with J made me feel worth something again. I know all affairs are wrong and I know I shouldn't be doing this to my husband but I've done it now and I need advice on how I move forward. Without ruining all my working relationships and my career. Please help.