Girlonfire

Yes. After reading about traumabonding i feel like it all makes sense, I have never heard of it before. We are not friends on any social media but are in groupchats together with our friends. Its sad and frustrating that I feel like I have to leave these chats with my friends just because of him, but I understand why.

Well i dont contact him or respond to him and im loyal to my fiancé who is fully aware of the history with this ex. The frustration is why my mind plays tricks with me when my ex is in the same room, after 5 years apart and that I feel the same need for validation as i did during our breakup. This is not something i want.

Well, often at parties and get togethers in our hometown. We both live in different cities. Now its been a year since we saw eachother, but we will be at the same place next weekend and maybe thats why im nervous and on this site... We are connected in groupchats where he sometimes send "secret messages" about things that only i can recall, for exemple about stuff we did together or things i like. I never respond to these.

I have tried writing this down multiple times but it always becomes a long story, which it is. But here comes a super-short version. My ex cheated on me - we broke up and got back together again and then he cheated once again. During the time between and after I was so heartbroken and did everything i could to get him back and to get his validation. He gave it to me. I was very depressed during this time because of this, my only focus was him and the thought of us in the future. He said many ***ed up things, now i feel like he manipulated me. Then i started dating my current fiancé, then my ex wanted me back so badly and I loved the feeling. We got together many times but then i chose to end it with him so i could continue to date this new guy. Even though we have been apart for 5 years, i still seek validation from him. Everytime i see him i feel like i am ready to risk it all just for one night with him. And he is the same with me, so much craving and "love" for eachother. Like we cant stop looking at eachother and there are sparks. Just like a movie. But then in reality, i know he is a bad guy who has treated me bady, who is not the kind of guy i wanna be with at all. But I cant stop, i feel like i will spend a lifetime thinking about us. I dont know if it is the trauma of our long breakup and seek for validation from him that is still haunting me? I just want to feel like im over it but I cant. Sometimes i feel like a dog just waiting for him to tell me that im a good girl, if that makes sense. And if I feel like im over him, it just takes one eyecontact to be back on square one even though i know he is a scumbag. And he always finds a way to get to me. We have the same friends in our hometown so its hard to avoid eachother when we both are home. Just to be clear, i love my fiancé, he is the best thing that has happened to me and has made me so happy these 5 years. He knows everything about my ex and our breakup and know i still struggle.