A bit of history. We work together. still do. I see her once a week during our shift. We have been friends for many many years. And stupidly decided to date each other right before the pandemic. i have dated or have had sexual relations with few of her friends. And she has had the same with a few people i know. However, things like that does not effect her. It does with me, because my jealous self would always hate the fact that she has had relations with people i know, although they are not around anymore. im constantly thinking to myself, how these dudes have treated her before i came along. It kills my mood every time, although i never show it. I just suck it up and deal with it. She also has a kid (will talk about this below)
So we started dating before the pandemic. During the pandemic we had a lot of time off and got to spend our first year together quite a lot and everything was fantastic. At one point, we even said how come we didnt do this sooner. PArt of the reason is because i didnt want to. I knew in hte back of my head that dating her would be a disaster because im the jealous type but i NEVER show it. But i know her past relationships with people i know will always bother me. I went against my desire and did it anyway because she was attractive and i was always attracted to her. She fell in love with me within a couple months and everything went great the first year with a few bad fights along hte way but we always managed to get back together because deep down, we LOVE each other. We really do love each other. She wanted to have my child but i was just too afraid to do it. We talked about future plans, marriage, house etc etc.
So here we are over 2 years later, we had many more fights just to get back together until the next fight. Some serious, some not so serious but they were fights nonetheless that just kept deteriorating our relationship. I guess you could say it was toxic. But this last fight couple months ago was probably the nail in the coffin. We fought while on vacation in Europe. And when we got home things kept deteriorating day by day. texting less and less, no more late night phone calls etc. I hung out with her and her kid a couple of times past couple months.
im a very stubborn person and i have too much ego to tell her that i still want to get back together even when i know its not the best idea but despite alllll these negative thoughts that i have, I am stupidly in love with this person.
In the past, after fights, one of us would always send the first text to reconcile. This time, i think, she's really moving on and its absolutely devastating for me. i cant stop thinking about her.
id also like to apologize for the grammatical errors. I am just too heartbroken to fix anything. I desperately need some words of wisdom from you guys to help me.