Millenial Male 1420

I appreciate your advice. I have thought of going to a therapist and probably will when I have more money. That violent outburst happened 4 years ago. I'm not really a violent person. I've never been in a fight. If anything my friends tell me to be more assertive. I'm more awkward than anything else. I only ever drank & smoked weed. I do have a job and live on my own with 2 roommates. I'm planning on going back to college. I'll take your advice on joining some club. Just don't what yet. Honestly I have improved but obviously I have a lot to go. Its just that sometimes I feel lonely.

I'm a 24 year old male and I've only had sex with escorts. Let me start at the beggining. I first started to do this when I was 20. The reason being that I was a virgin and never had done anything with a girl. I never kissed one, went on a date, or even danced with one. I was in college and thought at first I would meet someone but as time went by I grew anxious and couldn't stop thinking about sex & girls. But I still was focused on finding someone. The breaking point was when I got rejected by a girl in my "friend group". I thought at first she liked me back because she knew I liked her since other people told her and she was still friendly with me. But because I've never really experience this before I started to come off too strong and this pushed her away. Eventually she told me we should just be friends. I was disappointed because I thought for once my luck was changing. But it wasn't just that. I was far away from my family and grew homesick. My grades were starting to get really bad. I didn't have any friends. The "friend group" I had was basically a group of friends that I met only because one of them was my roomate. They all knew each before coming to college and I always felt the odd one out. If anything I think they most likely didn't even view me as a friend. Just the roomate of one of their friends. But I really wanted to be part of the friend group. Eventually one friday night I got into a fight with the roomate because he and the friend group were going to some party and it was never brought up to me. I felt left out. What was worse was that they didn't even try to invite me when they came to our dorm. And to add insult to injury the girl I liked was going and my roomate made a joke that a guy she liked was going to be there. It was like he was trying to piss me off. Of course I felt angry and I'm ashamed to admit it but after they left I basically trashed our dorm and broke a lot of his stuff. I don't want to explain any further but I was moved to another dorm. And of course being a *** I sent mean texts to the girl I liked. Needless to say they weren't even acquaintances with me after that. I'm telling you all this to explain why I choose to have sex with an escort. I was in a really bad place and felt extremely depressed. I had nothing going for me. I felt isolated and didn't have anyone that could at least listen to me. Honestly since then I've mostly visited hookers because I've felt lonely and had nothing better to do. I don't have many friends. My mom passed away 2 years ago. I dropped out of college. The few chances I had with girls didn't go anywhere. I've always felt awkward and honestly its probably because I had a terrible childhood growing up. I guess I'm just venting. But what I want to know is how can I ever develope a healthy relationship with a woman if all I know is this?