ABrick

I am coming back to update. I consistently read this forum and take comfort in the support that is given to those sharing. However, I realized that I left this story unattended and never updated, and that may be because of the simple fact that nothing has changed. Our relationship is still the same. I feel like I am constantly hanging on to the hope if I could change or be better, or need less, the situation could improve, and I could have a healthy and fulfilling though beautifully imperfect relationship with the person I love. I suspect dishonesty often and my mind is distressed. I beat myself up for having these negative patterns or even caring as much as I do. If you don’t trust some one, you let go, right? but, more often that anything, I sit in the feeling of being misinterpreted, alienated, breadcrumbed with affectation, and then put back in the status of one who is hated and avoided. There are no real conversations. There is no friendship. Any time we spend together that is intentional ( we live together so we are around each other alot, but intentional time is occasional) feels strained and over-planned on his part. All gestures are out of obligation, and even if they seem like an act of kindness in the moment or goodwill, they will inevitably be referred to in an argument where I am asking for love, friendship and connection as a tool to say “look what I’ve done for you.” i overanalyze everything, and though sometimes we are at odds because of me expressing distaste for some thing he has said or done that has felt offputting and strange or avoidant/disconnected, he yells at me and I recoil into this person who is begging for some reassurance that he wants I want: friendship, love, safety, fun and connection-and most importantly a future. I over explain myself and am mocked and ridiculed, then Punished with silence. I have to go to him and apologize to maintain our relationship. In arguments, he laments that our relationship is horrible. But in any attempt to make suggestions about repairing it or resolving issues, I am told that our relationship is fine, “we just need to be better to each other.” Weirdly, I’m surprised that he never apologizes for yelling or being aggressive or insulting me. He has demonstrated and told me many times that I could avoid these behaviors by not angering him, shows no humility or understanding, and yet I feel surprised and sad every time I am met with anger and rejection. so I cycle back into thinking I approached the situation the wrong way, if I could just be more of this and less of that, maybe we would be better. I feel utterly disempowered and heartbroken and have for some time. I don’t want to sound pathetic or stupid, but I am at a loss. I have begun therapy, and I have had three sessions so far. I feel seen and heard for the first time. But, the irony is that I am paying some one to do just that. In between I feel the unraveling and mix up of emotions. I’m feeling a lot and unsure of what steps to take to ensure my emotional safety. I know I am the only one who can take my power back and gain confidence, I am just unsure of how. I no longer feel any hope for this relationship and simultaneously don’t feel the strength or energy to end it. I am afraid if I did at the reaction to his anger and that I would repeat old patterns of crying out and begging him back. No person should hold this weight in my mind, yet I recognize how much of an impact our relationship has on me, and I am unable to heal from the wounds I have gotten here while I am still in it. But I do not separate from the situation. I know that life is short and that in my 30s I could be holding on to baggage and disappointment and the fear of being alone, as I always thought I would have children-a “family”- at this point, and then I get in this pathetic rut of “well it’s a good thing you don’t with the state you’re in.” A lot of the time I have the conscious thought that I don’t want anything anymore but to feel at peace-safe and loved. I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in this place. And how I can lift myself out of it. I have been trying to exercise and reconnect with things I used to enjoy, but it is difficult. I have buckled down and am more productive and dedicated to my job than ever. As I said before, I’m in therapy. I am taking vitamins to improve my health, hair and skin that has declined from stress and to feel better about myself. I strive to be supportive and a positive outlet to all of my friendships and my siblings who are my prioritized immediate family. Yet I am empty and see no hope in my own situation so often. There are small moments where I feel a glimmer of hope and trust in myself to make the right decisions, but those are so easily shattered and short lived. if anyone has any resources to offer in the way of personal experience, books, or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. I am hurting and feel very alone.

I meant the conversation where I end the relationship. as to asking him to leave, I meant leave without notice. This was more a moral dilemma over feeling bad about asking him to leave without notice.

Hello all, He has been acting tense and angry after returning. He texted me the day after the last time I posted saying I can’t wait to see you I miss you so much and then did not even hug me when he got in the car when I was picking him up from the airport. To top things off, he did not tell me the gate he would be arriving at after I had asked him for his flight information, and there was a whole debacle where I was trying to pick him up from the correct place hit had to converse with him over the phone and he was upset with the “stress in my voice”. “It was as if I was blaming him.” That was his reason for being standoffish to me. I haven’t even broached the subject of what he did while on his trip, staying out drinking late every night. Things are not good. I want the relationship on the basis that things get better, but I no longer think they will. I have been pushed to my limits. My issue with breaking up at this point is that I do not feel comfortable letting him stay after “the conversation.” It will be hard enough to get through telling him I need to end our relationship without feeding too much into “why.” I know he will find a way to scream at me and walk out with the upper hand. I’m not comfortable with him being here because I know he will act out and be passive aggressive if I let him. Is it wrong of me to ask him to leave? Money is really no object for him.

I would probably recognize that her relationship is much like an addiction.

This is an interesting question that really puts things in perspective. No, I do not necessarily live in a high crime area, nor do I see him as a source of protection in any way. your responses are causing me to think outside the box in a way that I wouldn’t otherwise. today, after work (he had a very busy day and I barely heard from him) they had their scheduled business dinner, where according to him they were all getting drunk quite a bit. This lasted almost four hours. He kept reiterating how much fun he had. I want him to have fun, trying to be cool, just asking him about his night and how things went. He told me after that he rode back to the hotel alone with the girl he made the thrupple joke about which I first posted. Keep in mind he doesn’t know that I know about that. He told me he went to the hotel bar, talked a lot about the night’s “shenanigans,” but mentioned nothing about this coworker. I asked him if they went to the hotel bar together and whether he had asked her to join. He told me no on both counts and got angry and said I was being exacting, and that it didn’t matter. He went on to be rude to me and I told him I did not mean to make him angry but was curious. He said it didn’t matter and that was the point. I told him that I was curious about whether he did it would do that. He kept saying “well you got your answer” and I said , yeah, but you’re angry and being rude and I don’t get that if it’s information that’s available to me. He kept getting mad and interrupting me any time I said a few words, and I told him I felt like he was trying to bully and intimidate me into never asking him again. He said I should trust him and it wouldn’t matter. I mentioned that we are both building trust and open communication is a part of that. He told me no matter what he did I would always bother him about it, and then admitted that he hadn’t gone with her but if he had asked a colleague after dinner to get a drink with him unless there was a power imbalance there’s nothing wrong with it. I said that’s good to know and tried to let it go because I could tell we would fight if we continued because I disagree, but am not interested in convincing him to try to make me comfortable anymore. He glared at me through the camera for some time and I just stared back. When I didn’t continue he started telling me I had no right to be angry at him. I said I wasn’t, and told him I can just tell we aren’t on the same page about this. He started telling me I could have my way and I’m going to give him sh** either way, so he might as well get on my page. I told him that’s not productive or sustainable and he said again you’ll get your way so stop getting in the weeds. And there’s no need to ask him again because I’ll get my way. I tried to keep from getting upset but ultimately felt at the end of the conversation I had no value or power as an equal trying to hold back tears. the thing is, I don’t want to give him a hard time. I don’t want to give him sh**, but I don’t feel like I was. We hadn’t made clear boundaries on where we stood as far as this traveling company drink dinner thing goes (last time the subject was broached he got mad at me) and he’s not that forthcoming so me asking and his reaction gives me insight. I’m just baffled that he can be so intelligent, so eager to please and flatter others, and then act like I’m some shrew who is here to ruin his good time, when I am constantly trying to find solid footing. Meanwhile he wants to argue about a hypothetical and ascertain “autonomy” in terms of absolute trust and no questions asked. While I feel I have learned through our experience that people don’t just sit up out of bed and decide to cheat, run outside and mount the first person they see. These things usually happen in compromises in boundaries and sticky situations people slip into because one thing leads to the other and they never thought about where they should draw the line, along with some character issues. At any rate, that’s what he had explained to me before. That’s what I’ve witnessed between people I know. Isn’t the whole point of repairing trust recognizing why and how betrayal happened and preventing situations where it can be seen as a possibility? If he did tell me he didn’t find it necessary and wouldn’t ask her to drinks when drunk, I probably would not ask again because I would have some clarity and where he stood on the matter. It seems as though on one hand he was mad that I would think he would do that, and on the other also mad that I would have a problem with it. You all in successful relationships without trust issues, where do you stand on this idea? Would you see going for a one on one drink with the single person your age on your team after a four hour dinner drink party as fair game? Would you be offended if your partner asked you if you did? Do you think there’s a professional purpose for even doing such a thing when you’re in a committed relationship? Would you be angry if your partner was uneasy about it? thank you for your patience and your time. I appreciate the responses. I am digesting a lot. I think I’ve held a lot in for a long time and it’s nice to process it in a semi-public place and hear other points of view from people who have no attachment.

A little update for this evening. To answer an unanswered question, he is not financially dependent on me. For most of the relationship, my boyfriend has made less than me. I live alone in a house that my sister lived with me in before she got married two years ago. He has lived with a roommate, his long time best friend, and we split things up pretty evenly when it came to paying for food and dates, home or out. he started making the transition to staying with me more long term in December. He would go home occasionally for a day or two, and in January we had the conversation that he would like to “split up” with his room mate and move in with me and eventually buy a house together when his lease ends if I have wanted him to. I agreed because a year prior I had been feeling like it was time for us to start taking the next step in our relationship. It made sense that we do it now since we had both agreed then to give it another year and keep working on our relationship. So before now, toward the end of March, his roommate had moved out and most of his things were over here already and he was working from my home. Within this time, he had also been scouted from his job where he was unhappy and his new job pays six figures. This new job started at the beginning of January. That’s when he took his first trip to Tampa. We were both moving on the momentum of big changes and saw this as the time to move forward if we were going to. I admittedly was disappointed in the conversation we had about moving in together, as it sounded as if it was an act of convenience for him, and not something he was excited about. Later, before mentioned room mate told me congrats and it was revealed that they had talked about the lease ending and room mate had brought up the topic of us moving in together, not my boyfriend, all before he talked to me. For some reason this bothered me, but I am used to being told I’m being over sensitive and overthinking things. So I thought maybe that’s what was going on with me. In our conversation about moving in, before I responded, my boyfriend also mentioned that if I wasn’t ready, he could get a place in my city (he has always lived 40 minutes away) because it just made sense so he didn’t have to commute. Also his band that he and his room mate are in play shows in my city frequently. Based on the fact that it seems counterproductive to not move in together if we’re staying together, and that I want to be in a relationship that is going somewhere and have the companionship and connection of us waking up together and sharing a life, I agreed. I decided it was probably a good idea to see if we could do life together beyond just weekends and date nights. some one also asked if we were intending on getting married. well, he did say on New Years that’s what he wants ultimately but thought it would be weird if we talked about it too much “when he’s not proposing.” I stated that I understood but it was good for a couple our age to be on the same page with what we wanted long term so talking about it and knowing that is good. the conversation did not continue. not much talking goes in. Arguments happen, I’m crying a lot, and I know it’s because of the dynamic between us but also some unresolved emotional issues I have. maybe some betrayal trauma because of the things that have gone on between us. I am admittedly intimidated by his anger during arguments quite often, and even when he’s not angry he has a way of staring coldly at me or disconnecting from the moment completely. I often feel at a loss as to what is going on, but chalk it up to that being his personality and me seeing more of it now that we are around each other more. I do feel uneasy when I see the only times he lights up and seems energetic or excited is when some one is complimenting him or stroking his ego in some way about work or his band. I try to talk to him about these things since they are important to him and I see it excites him, or interact with him in a way I am able to with people I am close to, and there’s not much reciprocation. I am wondering if it has always been like this and I just never paid much attention to it, or if it has gotten worse. Agonizing over such a thing is far from a productive use of time, so again I ask myself why am I doing it? How do I stop? It’s like there is a chemical dependency that I have attached my anxiety to. I have tried meditating, affirmations, and pouring myself into my work and reaching out to friends and family to talk to them about how their lives are going, but I keep finding myself back in this hole of self doubt and worry that is debilitating. I can’t unknow what I do, and knowing it happened makes me wonder if it’s happening again, and so I look for signs that our relationship is solid or there is something deeper now. why do we continue? Well, as some one I’ve invested time and effort and so much work in trying to understand, as well as some one I love, it’s hard to end it. Every time there’s good, I tell myself it could really work. And yes, I will admit I’m afraid of the fallout, of being alone, of letting him go, of picking up pieces. As far as financials go, I have continued to pay the bills here. My name is on the lease through august .He had said he felt the need to pay the apartment’s bills the last month so his room mate could have a leg up on moving out, since he felt bad about the expenses his room mate was incurring trying to get his own place and become financially independent. They have a long history of helping each other out, though my boyfriend has been doing more of the helping the last few years. He told me in January that he would officially move in in April, and he would pay 2/3 of April’s bills and that much monthly moving forward. In the meantime, he has picked up the check for every meal we’ve had going out, which has actually helped my bank account quite a bit in its own way. He has made comments about how much he is paying for us going out, and I tell him to let me know when he wants help. He doesn’t, and I assume that is his way of helping with expenses. When the comments were made, I was surprised because I thought he was being generous. One of the times this came up is when he asked me to cut him a key. I told him that I’d get him a key when he started helping with the bills in a playful way, but I meant it. He didn’t like that. he made a comment about trying to “get in the black” with his finances and I could tell he was angry I didn’t jump to copy a key for him. I didn’t want to have to get firm and harsh about this, and I don’t think I should have to, so I didn’t. Copying him a key is just something I haven’t gotten around to because in my mind we are not “officially” living together until he is helping me with bills like he mentioned. as far as him moving in completely, when I initially started posting here I may have already been in too deep. He did bring the rest of his stuff over, the apartment is gone as of April 1, and at this point he is on his business trip. I have ruminated on the issue I initially posted about, and I do see that it’s not an isolated issue. I do know that there is a chance that what I was (am) upset about could be chopped up to bonding banter. I know that telling some one what I don’t want happening can set up a parent child dynamic, but then I see relationship gurus talking about how you have to set boundaries as a couple and define them for these grey areas. That’s what I was trying to do, but I don’t think I approached it correctly? Or he didn’t keep his word or defines things by his own terms, I’m not sure which. I do try to be flexible to a fault. I always thought that it was important to see your partner as a complex being and try to communicate and compromise. As it stands, he is on his business trip. I was relieved to get some peace and quiet and relax and clear my head. I decided that whether he steps out or not no amount of worrying will change that (I have told myself this many times) And if I did decide to move on, I would have to move on from clenching down on that pain anyway. No matter what, I have to let go of it. The pain and the fear. It’s just hard to DO. He told me that they would be in the office all week and aside from a group dinner and drinks they have planned on Wednesday, he would be holed up in his hotel room playing his games and watching basket ball. Tonight, Tuesday, our phone conversation got cut really short after work because he was meeting two coworkers for dinner at 6:30. He also was sour, didn’t ask me about my day, and said he was sorry but he was exhausted. He wanted to go have dinner and he’ll let me know when he’s done . 3 hours later, he’s calling me to “check in” before going back downstairs to the hotel bar because a bunch of managers showed up and they were all socializing. All which probably goes on normally with these types of companies and trips. I don’t like how I’m feeling. I don’t like that I am partially resenting him for being so sour all of the time, telling me he is quiet because he has nothing to talk about, starting arguments and retreating into nothingness, and then hearing that he has the energy to drink and socialize for hours on end after reprimanding me on the phone about how tired he was. I don’t like how Drained I feel, and how focused on our relationship I am. I feel like I have slowly let my life begin to revolve around him, fulfilling his needs, following him around, waiting for breadcrumbs of love and passion, and I dont really know how to take back control because of how exhausted I am from my job and our arguing. I’ve been forced to sit through trainings about trauma repeatedly the past couple of years, and each time I feel triggered. I know all of these things about how the brain works, majored in psychology and neurobiology in college, it’s not new to me. I know that since I found out about the cheating and we were supposed to start over, I went into a state of constant arousal and hyperactivity and I could never relax. This year I have come out of that into a state of constant exhaustion. At work, things are as good for me as they could be due to the state of affairs (teacher here) and I hold my own and give my students stability. My admin compliments me in my instruction and relationships with students. But I am drained every day and feel completely empty after the last bell rings. There is constant chaos on campus and whatever “good” I am doing in my profession is lost in the very heavy work load. I know a lot of people feel this way about their jobs, but the poison in my personal life amplifies the poison at work and vise verse. this relationship is toxic and I know that. I also know that couples can reverse the toxicity. I came here to vent but also glean advice. I hear people saying there’s no hope, but is there? How would I know if there was? Has anyone here ever turned the tides in a toxic relationship when one partner resents the other for a lack of trust and the mistrusting feels unheard and unseen? Thank you for reading.

Thank you all for your responses. It helps to hear other peoples perspectives. I am in a very dark place right now and often feel lonely.

Maybe because I have self-esteem issues, or because I feel like some one else might take these as appropriate jokes, and I don’t because of the past and not being able to let go of it, and it makes feel weak. I wonder if another version of myself before all this happening would have disapproved but not been so bothered and taken it with a grain of salt. He always says he’s trustworthy and I can trust him any time. That he hasn’t done anything in two years, and it’s all in the past, and I’m the one keeping us stuck there. If that’s true, then I’m wrong? he is supposed to move his stuff in at the end of March.

I’m also frustrated and angry that this is a sign that we may not be able to move forward, because up to this point I was very proud and happy and supportive of him getting this new job. After I unwittingly made the self fulfilled prophecy of seeing he was starting work relationships out with flirtation, I am choking back sadness and mistrust about the prospect of him going out of town with them. I wish I could see it a different way. I guess I was hoping that my sign that he was carrying himself differently and acting in a trustworthy manner was going to be in his communications. I can’t unsee it, and it’s feeding my mistrust; I’m angry at myself. And I’m disappointed that I’m not able to look at his work trip and communications as professional, necessary, beneficial dealings. I feel like if I can’t trust him in this small way not to flirt at work and push boundaries and just be a friendly guy instead, then I can’t trust him with anything and I will always be wondering. I also feel like if I try to walk away I will cave in and panic and we will be back together, only worse than before and me even more disempowered. I am aware of havoc this relationship has made in my life, yet I’m terrified over being alone and losing him and the relationship.

I do have trust issues. I do want to make sure before I throw the towel in after three years that I have done what I can to overcome it because I do love him very much and have a not giving up mentality. I don’t want to wonder what might have been. I also recognize that playing detective is not ideal and that trust is needed. In those moments, it feels like I’m trying to sooth my fears and reinforce that even when he thinks I’m not looking he is loyal. I want to laugh off this behavior as “normal work playfulness,” but now he is being called into Tampa out of town for a week to work closely in person with the women he referred to as thrupple. I am almost ashamed to say my heart sank, and it feels terrifying to me. I am torn up about this. I know it is no way to live, and seeking counsel on the internet kind of makes that an obvious fact. I don't know how people rebuild trust after cheating, I thought I was strong enough and here I am all this time later realizing I’m just not. With life’s struggles, a best friend and grandfather passing away, the most stressful year of work all happening during this relationship, it’s hard not to hold onto what good feeling I have with him. But I don’t want to spend 3/4 life looking over my shoulder and feeling paranoid, drowning in sad feelings and memories and the rest of it being his support and his audience. I want to know if I can fix the way I feel about this, and it’s really hard.

He is 35, I am 32. I have been with my significant other for 3 years, and In that time I found out he was cheating on me in a variety of ways with many different people. When I first found out all these dots snapped together. So many strange feelings I had about him and his behaviors and people he was “friends ” with added up. I knew in my heart I wanted to stay with him but would need time to forgive him and feel safe with him and that could take a while. He began therapy immediately and unloaded a whole bunch more info soon after… the woman he has flirted with asked for nudes from was some one he was “friends “ with, so it happened over social media or texting, after she has met me in real life. She turned him down, but the conversation came up because she was sending selfies of her make up to him showing cleavage. I guess that’s why he thought he could go further ( not excusing him at all, just giving clarity.) after finding out, I felt like there was suddenly an entire universe that was a threat to our relationship, when before he had told me that he lost interest in other pursuits because he was with me. I questioned everything about myself, him and our relationship. Sadly, I have not come to terms with the answers, and many questions are still unanswered for me. When I try to talk about my insecurity, he is very put out and will show annoyance immediately, and if I press the issue further to try to seek comfort, he escalates to anger and rage over the fact that “we have talked about this so many different times.” Which brings me back to the unanswered questions. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that we may have a different view of what flirting with coworkers is, I wanted to let him know where my boundaries were and let him voice whether he agreed or not. I had been feeling uneasy about something he had told me. He works online with about 18:1 ratio female to male. He often private messages with people throughout the day, and some more than others. Naturally he becomes closer to some than others. I have a hard time having the trust that it’s all work, jokes are jokes and don’t go any further, because I have the anxiety over how they might actually go further. So I’m trying to understand that things are different now, while also having a mutual understanding of what we’re comfortable with. I told him that due to what I experienced in our relationship, I would be uncomfortable if he was were private messaging a female coworker on a regular basis about things unrelated to work, if he was friends with some one I didn’t know about, if his coworkers(almost all female at the time )didn’t know about me and have a clear view that he was attached and unavailable, and that if there were any one he ever referred to as or had the work dynamic of “work wife-work husband” it would upset me. I also told him I didn’t want the dynamic of “you do as I say;mother son” between us, or my girlfriend won’t let me , you’re cute let’s flirt until the edge is reached and then it’s too bad I have a gf mentality. Recently, he obtained a new position where he is making about 3x as much money, he got a new car, he is feeling more confident and I have been pouring a lot of energy into supporting him and listening to him. He mentioned he had been emailing back and forth with one of the women he is on a team to work closely with (there are 2, this is the younger one) and he had sent her photo of his car. At first I was surprised he would tell me that he was bragging and showing off his car. He had never spoken about her before, though he’d talked about the other woman on his team. I asked him about her, where she was from, what she was like, because he had told me these things about his other new coworkers in an excited way. He said he didn’t know much about her at all just that she said she’s never heard of his car. i felt odd about the conversation, beat myself up for being suspicious, talked myself down, and then the feeling came back the next day as I saw him typing and smiling to himself. When he was not home, I opened his work phone screen. I was surprised I could get in, and even more surprised that there were his teams chats all there and opened,. I scrolled to the woman he had sent the picture to, and saw a very long chat log from a previous day (before the car photo) of them exchanging personal info, him asking her where she was from, saying brb chat soon. Then telling her about his lunch and what he had. Now I’m thinking that he’s been talking about how packed and busy his days have been, and that he has barely communicated with me and responded to messages hours later. Then I’m telling myself, that’s different, he’s got a new person on his team, he’s got to forge some kind of connection. I get to a part in the convo where she says she had a work husband at her last job that doesn’t want her to cheat. He then says “my real life gf has forbidden me from taking a work wife, but I have lots of work best friends.”I cringed. “Forbidden.” That’s exactly how I didn’t want it to be. Then she comes back with another lol, and he says “although , you and me and +*++ will be bouncing back and forth between meetings together so we’ll practically be a work thrupple.” She says “lol I’ve never been in a thrupple before.” Now I’m thinking, oh no I shouldn’t have looked then the convo moves on and he comes back to it and says “I’m confident we can be a thriving thrupple.” They continued to laugh and send emojis. I looked at the “thrupple “ chat that they had as well, to see that he had told them “we should get jerseys” long story short, that’s an intimate line that we say to each other, comes from a song “we should get jerseys because we make a good team.” I know he needs to be a team with them, but why take a phrase that was ours from our personal romantic life? It made me feel like the phrase was meaningless or that he gives the same affection at work that he does to me. So, I’m wondering if this constitutes as flirting to the average person ? If I’m wrong for being so hurt over it I want to know, just be nice please:) my main issue is that we had talked about this topic specifically, he didnt respect my boundaries, and there’s no way for me to talk to him about it without him getting angry at me for looking at his messages (he has a temper.) also, I know if our relationship was good I wouldnt be looking, and that I shouldn’t. I was trying to prove myself wrong and it backfired. I don’t know what to do to be taken seriously. I tried to think about how I can be ok with him flirting like this, even thought maybe it’s just his personality and he can’t be expected to change. But I feel like it’s so specific that it’s like a micro betrayal, like he’s cheating all over again by crossing clearly defined boundary. he didn’t have to make those comments and he did knowing that specific thing bothered me, and I feel like he set a tone for their entire work relationship and the joke will come back up. And how am I going to feel sending him off on business trips with her knowing the company likes to go the bar after? Is the thrupple thing gonna come up then and be taken further? It’s a mess in my mind. I know I set myself up by looking, but I can’t help feeling angry at what I saw. I felt like a jerk when I began to look, but I really wish that there has been nothing, so I wouldn’t feel the way I do now and be more confident in trusting. I don’t want to sound pathetic and I want to look at this in a level-headed way. I don’t want to confront him about it, I don’t think that would do any good. I want to know if it’s worth accepting.

Responding below.

Excuse me, I should have more clear He was the one who cheated, not me. I was saying you in the perspective that “you” are him. He has a history of cheating on me, in this relationship. I’ll follow up with a post in more detail.

This question is for guys and gals in relationships-others welcome too For those of you in agreed upon exclusive monogamous relationships, headed toward long term if everything goes well.. If you are work chatting (online) with a woman you are on a team with (one other lady, but notice, she’s not present) and this conversation happens: “I used to have a work husband and he doesn’t want me to cheat on him at my new job here lol” Him: “my real life gf has forbidden me from having a work wife, but I have lots of work best friends “ (I cringed at this) Him:”but you and me and *** will practically be a work thrupple since we’ll be bouncing between meetings so much together lol.” Her : “I’ve never been in a thrupple before lol” Him:” I’m confident we can be a thriving work thrupple lol” The question is…Is this flirting? I can provide a lot more context. To keep it short for now, let’s say you have been unfaithful in the past, even stepped out in the relationship specifically by asking former coworkers for nudes (and gone much further with people you don’t work with) while with your current lady. You have had a conversation recently with your current who took you back and has admitted to you she struggles to trust now, where she stated work flirting as a clear boundary she wasn’t comfy with due to your past. You even addressed the idea of a work wife/ husband dynamic as one of those things. She also stated that she doesn’t want a mother son dynamic between the two of you where you’re telling other women “my gf won’t let me and wouldn’t like that or this” and was open to hear your thoughts. You agreed that those conversations arent appropriate or respectful and told her she didn’t need to waste energy thinking about it, all of this prior to thrupple conversation. Thoughts? I’m open-minded and want to hear different perspectives, but please be nice 🙂