Armoredcore4

She reached out Friday evening, so two days ago. Not for any reason that I have uncovered, she just said she made a big mistake, that she desires me in her life, that she sees things clearly now. We're still talking about how to move forward because I'm skeptical and I want to take things at a turtles pace. She said she has been to a therapist that deals in psychological trauma. The further I'm away from her the more I see things clearly. Suppose things go south unexpectedly, she's just going to say "sorry, I want to be single, bye." And where does that leave me again? In the dirt... It's frustrating because she broke my trust. When someone breaks my trust I can never ever forget it. Maybe I'm too lenient and forgiving. But I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. This is all fresh news that I'm in the middle of. So I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm very wide-eyed right now.

I was in a meaningful, wonderful relationship with someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. She was perfect in many ways. But due to attachment issues (fearful-avoidant) or possible borderline personality disorder, I was blindsided by a breakup. We tried to be friends for two weeks, but it just could work for me. So I went into NC to heal myself as well as for the possibility to get her back. She understood perfectly well and even seemed happy. Of course, she was in the relief stage of a breakup. She said she would contact me during the holidays. There were no bad feelings in the end. I spent my time healing, reflecting, reading books, learning a new language, painting, cooking interesting foods and much much more. I was happy and moving forward. Two weeks into NC I noticed she started to watch my video on youtube only she had the link to. She kept this up till she text me 1 month after NC. I didn't get a chance to reply because she deleted it. She asked how I was. One week after that she asked the same thing, I answered. So I was in NC for 5 weeks. We had talked about what we did during the past month to catch up. I was honestly happy and had a saturated time, while she had nothing to talk about, and was depressed. I asked why she reached out, she replied "I don't know why I wrote to you. I was worried about you. Too much even. I didn't know how you were." I asked her if she was interested in reconciliation. She said she still didn't want a relationship with anyone. She doesn’t even talk to any guys and even wears a wedding ring to deter attention. I believe it. She said I did nothing wrong, that she is a coward and is afraid of commitment. I said I couldn't be friends and was about to go into NC again. Minutes later she told me her mother was being rushed to the hospital because of a sickness related to COVID. I couldn't just leave her, even if there was no chance of a relationship. She was very scared. It appears that when she first reached out and deleted the text, is when her mother went into isolation. And the second time, when her mother got sick. So I was her source of comfort. During that month when I kept in contact, I supported and cared for her through some very dark moments. She was very warm to me and told me how important I was and much more. I made her laugh, smile, cry and showed her patience, understanding, and acceptance. She said I make her feel alive and calm. She told me how I'm the only person in her life that asks about her emotions and that she's the only person she talks to about how she's feeling. I can look back and say I did the best I could. Overall she never acted like I was a friend, but a something a little more. It's strange. I just had a gut feeling like she was comfortable with how things were and it wasn't going to progress even though I had been told to “give her time to open up to you, it could take a while, but be patient.” But recently I decided to go to NC again. It’s not so much for myself healing because I’m already happy and moving forward through life and she even sees and acknowledges it. I didn’t ask her about a relationship or what her feelings are. I felt like I already knew and said “our emotions are on two different levels because I love you.” She said, “That bothers you?” I explained I was taking time away from myself because I wasn’t getting rid of my emotions that weren’t useful here anymore. She was really upset. I had never seen her that mad. She even quoted her post when she first reached out to me during NC and said “this was the last time I do this (ask how you are) I will never text you again.” She thanked me every day for caring and supporting her, everything I’ve done every day previously. But this time she said good night and left without thanking me or acknowledging everything I’ve done for her. So trust me, she was furious and hurt that I was leaving again. I told her it wasn’t her fault, (neither of us can make her feel things she doesn’t feel) as she tends to be depressed and thinks everything is her fault. And I wrote her a nice short letter goodbye. I’m not hurt, but she is. Now I feel like the dumper and she the dumpee. But I did leave the door open for her as one of the last things I said was “if you have a change of heart, the door is open to discussing it.” I know NC is for me to heal, I get that but I’m already stable and secure, moving through life, happy, and pursuing new things all the time. She knows I'm doing very well too. I’m too close to the situation that I can be blind. My question is will NC a second time have the same impact on her returning? I'm scared she might have felt too much rejection. What are the chances she will reach out and if she does, how do I prepare myself? Because I don’t want to be in the same position as her wanting comfort again. I could be blind to her false advances and breadcrumbing. **This is the condensed version of the story**