Lost-and-Confused

I agree. The point I've been trying to make this whole time (on this board and in my conversations with her) is just to let her and other people know that they have had a positive impact in my life. In her case, actually helping me develop friends and that I was happy she was involved in that. Never did I give her the The conversation I had with her turned from from how she made me happy, to how she was feeling like she was being drained by a lot of back to back big events that we've been scheduling. When I threw out how we can starting scheduling small things with only an extremely small amount of people (such as watching a movie or just getting something to eat) and how I'd like to start moving away from the main meet site that she and I have been collaborating on and just start hanging out like real friends (and stop trying to force it), she seemed very open to that. And yes you are right, she is not giving any indication of wanting to date me, nor am I giving her any likewise. The only thing we both have been indicating to each other is how she and I would like to have a small group of people to do simple things with as friends. My point is, should I really be having these feelings for this person, and is it really worth possibly throwing away a friendship that I have made? I only say that because it has happened in the past more that I wish it did. I've been working hard to make friends because, well, I ended up losing most of mine over the years. Do I care about this person and her happiness? I absolutely do. I guess I've just been wrong in these situations so many times that I'm....really kind of done losing people because I chose to put myself out there only to have them decide I wasn't worth their time because of it. In my mind, it'll hurt less if I were able to see her and not have her than it would not seeing her at all, and that's why I'm procrastinating.

Ok, so a slight update. I sent a message to her yesterday, letting her know that while I was going back and forth on if I should message her or tell her when I saw her in person next time I saw her that I was going to just say it. I explained that I am in a point of my life where I have been the happiest I have been in years, not since a family member passed, and that it's in large part of the group and her being there to help me. I also stated that I knew how she was naturally introverted, and I knew some of this couldn't be easy, and that I just wanted to make sure that I was doing right by her on what I was doing, and that I just wanted to just go ahead and say something because I sorta regretted having a bit a of vagueness (and added how, like Rose Mosse stated, I didn't want to have any foreboding). She responded pretty positively. Extremely positively in fact. She stated how she didn't feel any sense of foreboding in the slightest, rather that she was just interested in what I had to say. She also stated how she was glad that I felt like I could tell her that, and it made her really happy to know she was involved in that that process for me. She had even stated she really appreciated me as well and that I am giving her something to work on too. So yup, nothing wrong with actually telling someone that you care and that they mean a lot to you, because that might actually help them feel good. Of course, I didn't ask her for one on one, but time will eventually lead to whether that will happen or not. It might, it might not, all I know that for now, things are exactly where they need to be for me. What happens down the line will happen when I get there.

I guess it comes down to, for me at least, do I want to risk everything I have been trying to build the last 3 months on something that more than likely not pan out, or do I accept it as is and not take the risk? I've always been a person who talked myself out actually asking people out, or let other people talk me out of it. I'm either not good enough, they're "just my friend" or something along those lines. Do I feel good being around her? Of course! But is it worth losing her over it? Not so sure about that.

Essentially, my mental health over the past three months has been the best it's been in almost ten years. The closure comes from initially thinking I was the cause of a family members suicide, to then moving on accepting it wasn't my fault but still knowing that person was gone regardless, to finally accepting it and finally moving on. I wasn't going into detail with that to this person, but I was going to let her know she was a part of helping my be happy again My happiness isn't 100% isn't strictly based off "these people I barely know" as you put but only partially. I mean, one of the people I sent a DM to was someone who practically IS family to me, despite not being blood related. Also, keep in mind, I only sent this woman 1 DM regarding this matter everything else was strictly social or group administrative conversation. I mean, there's so much negativity out there in the world, as far as I am concerned, to NOT show appreciation is a lot worse then anything else in our current times where everyone seems so stuck on creating a divide and showing hate. Like I had stated, I wasn't not necessarily going to tell her I wanted to date her ot anything like that. Rather say "hey, remember all those times I said i hadn't done this, that, and the other thing in years despite daying how much I loved it, yeah i wasn't feeling it for years. But thanks fo finally hanging out with people, I am finally doing it again and I am actually happier because of it, and you helped me with that!" And it's the truth. I just rather say that in person because I feel it means more than just the written words on a screen. I just realized I also started to develop feelings for this person as well, and was struggling with whether I should throw that in there. Now, I know I shouldn't. So thank you all for helping me realize that. I'll still be telling her that she helped me in a big way (albeit not 100% of the way), but I won't be asking her out. And would you look at that, I put here what I couldn't open up about before. I guess I an making progress, lol

Yeah, you're right. I'll just drop it

Unfortunately, my brain is hardwired to not be the socialite, even before I fully became closed off. I always enjoyed the company of a few people who I got really close to, so the idea of making more friends feels unnatural to me. Saying that however, I actually have been trying to make friends, and I've been trying to gain more since before the start of COVID. It's not from a lack of trying. She was one of many people I sent DM's expressing my appreciation for, and that was mostly due to recently seeing a major rift happen within my family and I made it a point to try to put out some positivity out there. The point behind my saying that I wanted to talk to her in person was due to constantly having people within our group bring up things I loved doing but me mentioning how I haven't done them for many years, and she kept looking funny every time I said it. I just told her that I wanted to talk about something in person, it wasn't anything bad, and it's just that it's something I trusted her enough to explain to her about, only in person. I don't think I added any foreboding or that I was going to ask her. We DO DM each other back and forth frequently though. Like I said, it's usually me initiating, Other than say 30 minutes here, 45 minutes there, we haven't really hung out just the two of us. I mentioned a one on one twice, she declined and they were actually understandable declines. The first time was for our first official meetup and she was wanting it to be a meet & greet meetup. The second time was after she, two other people, and I went to a movie (which got out at 9:30 PM), and she mentioned to me how she was starving and hadn't ate. I suggested maybe we go get something, but she just told me she'd rather just drive through somewhere close to her house (again, this was almost 10PM on a weeknight, and she already had mentioned how she was weirded out by getting out so late). This is actually where my wanting to talk to her comes in. I'm not telling anything to fish for dating, really. It's mostly to let go of something and tell her something I usually don't tell people, I mostly wanted it to be her since I've known her the longest and find her the most trust worthy out of the non-family members I know, and I kinda see as one step to closure for something (and what that closure is, is a whole another story)

Yeah, that's actually very true. This very sentence is actually why some relationships have not worked for me in the past. The last girl I dated actually told me more or less the same thing, she stopped seeing me because she said I wasn't being open enough with her. I wasn't being open because, honestly I was scared of letting someone getting close, them getting to know me and not liking what they found, and eventually getting hurt, which happened anyways. This time, I am afraid my openness would cause her to think I was...trying to poach her or something, which is not the case. And as I write this out, I'm seeing how I am also look for excuses to not let anyone close, which is the very thing I am trying to work on. So yes, you are absolutely right, I am the one who is too shy about these things.

We're pretty close distance wise. She lives maybe a 20 minute drive from where I live and she's pretty close in age as I am. No boyfriend, there was someone who she was with when we were all hanging out who I thought was her boyfriend, but that turned out to be a weird situation all around and they ended up not being together. I thought about asking her one-on-one. I never felt right asking her though because she is so shy and introverted and never wanted to put her in an uncomfortable situation. The first time we hung out again in November, she was actually shaking from being nervous and we already knew each other at that point. She's gotten way past that though, and she and I are at least cool enough that she agreed to be a personal social reference for a job I am soon to be getting without even a second thought (and ended up feeling bad when she realized I told her how I didn't even have her phone number to put down). Knowing how she is, she wouldn't have even agreed to that if she wasn't cool with me. Not blurting things out is kinda why I mentioned how I wanted to talk to her next time I saw her though. We have a meet scheduled on the 29th and wanted to talk to her after the fact, and already had a few (true) things I had planned to tell her to kind of gauge the situation but I wasn't sure if I should actually follow through or not. I will admit though, part of my fear of wanting to ask is because I have a bad habit of keeping people at arms length and not wanting to get hurt. It was a safety thing I fell into a number of years ago that started through mourning the passing of a family member, but became habit. Just wanted to add an edit: She's also has a total go with the flow type of personality, at least with me anyways. Whenever I throw out something for us all to do, she always agrees and never really argues or changes it. She'll just roll with it, and there's a lot of times where we were talking and I'd mention something, then she'd come back a long while after and tell me something along the lines of "hey, with what you said about [XXXX], I 100% agree with you on that" and it would be usually on things that are more than just us talking about interests. Some of the things were kinda....life direction things I guess you can say (nothing major like kids or anything like that, but where we both want to be in life in a few months. For example, I mentioned how I wanted to ditch this whole meetup group thing eventually, just have a core group of friends, and would like us to just be hanging out like we weren't forcing it and I mentioned it in the middle of a conversation. She came back a few hours later, after the conversation was said and done telling me simply how she was "on the same page on the meetup." Little things like that) I know I over think things. I'll admit to that, but I guess that comes from having a lot of one sided friendships and not realizing they were one sided until long after they were done and gone.

Ok, so I don't know how to properly put this into written words, but I'll try to be as concise as I can but also calls for some background explanation too. So I am a male in my early 30's (which, come to think of it, makes me feel really old now), consider myself as a gray ace (I don't enjoy sex unless I am extremely close and comfortable emotionally with the person) and I just recently started rebuilding my social life back up again after Pandemic and family woes. Just before the start of the pandemic, I was part of an anime meetup group that was gaining traction and, at the time, was off to a good start. Personally, I had joined it because my social life didn't really exist due to various reasons, and the group was doing wonders for me. We were all vibing pretty well with each other and were all looking forward to seeing the meets continue. Then after three months, Covid hit in March of 2020. Our group dissolved, and we all more or less lost contact with each other despite having a discord server going. Then last October (a little more than a year and a half after we all last seen each other), I made a comment within the discord how I would like us all to get back together sometime because I felt myself really missing a lot of them. One of the members mentioned how she would really like doing that, if we could get some of the original core regulars to show up (despite being an extreme introvert herself). Some mentioned moved out of state, others disappeared and didn't bother even checking in. So in November, the person who said she'd be down and I started our own meetup group and have been planning regular meets ever since. November 2021 was the first time we had seen each other since March 2020. We've gone and done things consistently ever since and while we all don't talk every single day, we're slowly building a new group again. Looking back at the last 3 months, I'm realizing that I am the happiest I have been since early 2014.......and that I am also feeling a certain way towards the person who I started this meetup with. She is just about everything I really like in a person whom I'd consider dating, but feel wrong for actually developing these feelings. I didn't go into this looking for a date, I went in looking for friends. I honestly feel like I am at the point where I can't imagine going another year and a half not seeing her, and she is a huge part of why I am happy now. If it wasn't for her agreeing to helping me with this new meetup as well as showing up to each and every single one,I wouldn't have done any of the things I got to do. I would have continued my life as if I were drifting along, but I'm not. I finally feel like I am living my life for the first time in 8 years. This person......became very important to me and I am afraid of losing that. I have no idea of how to express that to her in a way that won't cause her discomfort or make her feel like she's being overwhelmed. I want to tell her exactly what I had just written, that I can't imagine going for a long period of time without seeing her. Now, like I had said, she's extremely introverted, so socializing and opening up isn't easy for her. I'm the one who has to initialize conversations with her, but I knew that going in. She's been like that since the day I met her, and she's even stated how she was using our current meetup as a way for get more comfortable with being around people. She usually just hangs out with the group without saying much. Saying that, by the conversations she and I have had, I can tell she's an extremely smart person who is caring and thoughtful. Every time I am around her I feel extremely relaxed and calm, which doesn't happen often for me around people. I DID recently send her a DM telling her that I how much I appreciated her, and that I would like to talk to her a little bit about a few things the next time I saw her in person, and I hoped she didn't find it weird. She responded how it didn't make her feel weird, I shouldn't worry about it, and she appreciated my telling her. I sent similar DM's to a few other people telling them something similar that day because I had an issue recently cause a divide within my family recently, and I realized I needed to tell a a lot of people in my lifehow I really cared about them and they actually mattered to me How do I handle this? Do I risk throwing everything I have tried to build (such as my current social life that I haven't had in many years) by telling this person just how much they mean to me and that I want to be with her? Or do I keep my mouth shut and continue as is and just let it go, and look for someone else? I have tried dating other people, but my mind keeps going off to my friend and how I feel she's who I would rather be around over these other women (which isn't fair in itself). I apologize for the lengthy incoherent ramblings. I really do feel like I am finally in a good place in my life, but I feel like I really want to be with this person and have no idea how to handle it, and would like some serious insight