A little backstory:
I used to be really close to my mom but over the years we have clashed a lot more. My mom is unhappy and has been for a long time, but she feels trapped. I honestly feel like I have been her voice of reason for a long time and she has never really listened to me. She has said for years she wants to leave my dad but never has and this stems back as far as 15 years ago. She will complain to me about my dad constantly, but when I suggest she should leave him if that is what is going to make her truly happy, I can tell that she doesn't like the answer and it feels as though she never will. I am not sure if she just wants validation, but it is difficult after all these years when she tells me she feels so alone and feels like she doesn't have anybody, when I have listened to all these complaints. We also had a disagreement a few months ago about something and she accidentally sent me a text that was supposed to go to a friend complaining about me. She obviously sent it to me instead, but when I called her out on it she said she was going to tell me how she felt regardless and just brushed it off. In fact, whenever we have disagreed or clashed on something I have tried to talk to her about it but she sees me expressing how I feel about something as argumentative and everything gets turned into how she is going through a lot and can't deal with whatever we are talking about and it gets brushed under the rug and not spoken about again.
Then we have my dad. We have honestly never had a proper father daughter relationship. He has never shown any real interest in wanting to maintain a healthy, emotional connection with me whatsoever and spend any time with me. When I try and make conversation I can tell he isn't very interested and acts like me talking is an annoyance to him if the conversation goes on for too long for his liking. He also reacts quite strangely to things. When I am chatting to my mom he will interrupt and talk to her only and change the subject or my mom asks me something and he will answer the question for me. I have really struggled with him over the years because when I was a kid he would be out all evening drinking and would come home at 3am drunk and would wake me and my mom up by bashing things around downstairs, acting really aggressive, and bringing friends back to our house and playing loud music right below my room when I had school the next day. I remember one Father's Day when I wanted to take him to lunch with just the two of us and I could tell he just didn't want to go which really ruined the sentiment behind it for me, and he invited my mom without asking me. My mom even said to him it was rude that he would ask her to go when I had specifically asked to take him to lunch. Just to be clear, his rude aggression is not just towards me. He also speaks to my mom in a really bossy mean way at times and he is the same way with my aunt (his sister). It is like the simplest of conversations people start with him are greeted with an extreme hostile attitude when they may be asking him a simple question about something and there is absolutely no reason for it.
Unfortunately, due to the pandemic I had to give up my rental home and move back in with my parents. It was honestly the lowest point of my life. I am thankful I have a roof over my head, but having to give my independence up due to unforeseen circumstances was so heartbreaking to me as I am an extremely independent person and I like my own space. I also knew when I moved back I would be treated like I am 15 again because my parents don't treat me like an adult when I live with them. Whenever I am in their house it is a real challenge because I don't really feel close to either of them and I feel like we clash a lot. I think not only am I holding onto resentment from the past, but I don't feel as though they really care about my well being when it comes to my health. I have been dealing with chronic health issues for 8 years and not once have either of them asked how I am doing and what the latest is with my condition. Sometimes when I have brought it up they get irritated and say they don't want to talk about it or change the subject so I don't bring it up anymore and just internalize it which is hard, and I have so much going on in my life that I feel it is so much added stress and pressure to not only try and help and take on my mom's emotional support in regards to her relationship with my dad, but to also feel as though they don't make any effort with me and I am not greeted with the same kindness. It is hard to be the bigger person and brush so much under the rug when you feel like you are constantly being provoked but have to be the bigger person.
I have also tried to make life a lot easier for them by working my whole eating schedule around them. I asked them when they would eat lunch and dinner to ensure that I wasn't in their way when they cook and we came up with a plan that I would make my lunch at 12 and my dinner at 6 so I didn't get in their way. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world but it just sucks having to stick to such a structured schedule when I am so used to just eating whenever. I was also told I can't open any doors after 10pm as that is when they put their alarm on and no cooking after 8pm. Again, I know this is their house, but I am in my 30's and I just find it really challenging to abide by these rules that make me feel like I am 15. Also, regardless of me trying to make life easier and work around them my dad has consistently been cooking at 6pm even after the discussion. He has also moved things he knows are mine multiple times without telling me so come dinner time I am looking for them and cannot find them. I know a lot of this stuff sounds really trivial which it is, but I just feel no matter what I try and do to have a quiet life and make the best of the situation, it is always met by my dad trying to be purposely awkward and create an issue out of nothing. There are other little things also like the only real time my dad will message me is if he wants something or to complain about something. I might get a message saying it was rude that I came upstairs after I cooked without letting them know I was coming up here. I am in my 30's and I just find it bizarre that these sorts of things are even brought up and it feels like they try and create arguments from nothing.
I feel guilt as I have always thought family is the most important thing, but I think I have just come to terms with the fact that isn't my reality and even when I have tried I have just felt like nothing will change. My dad has also mentioned that in the summer my extended family will be visiting and everyone will be together. As harsh as this sounds, with how rude, controlling and absent my dad has been from making any real effort to form a relationship with me over the years, I don't want to come here in summer and be around him anymore if I don't have to be. My plan has been to move out this spring when I can afford to and as much as I hate to say it, I don't really want to spend a lot of time around my family anymore, but as they have let me stay here and they are my parents I feel so incredibly bad about it. I don't want it to be this way, but I just feel like they are set in their ways and it will never change.
So I guess my question is, has anyone dealt with a similar situation and felt like you're not close with your family and you are holding onto a lot of resentment but also feel the guilt of not feeling close to them? Maybe I will be in a better place with it once I move out and I am not feeling stressed living with it every day, but I feel so much guilt.
