Urlacher

Wow. Thanks for confirming yet again why I do not understand women. You said he adored YOU and YOU took him for granted. Then you are the one saying he is unstable, etc? Now you are getting joy out of the fact that you know he probably still loves you and wants to contact you. To me it sounds like you are angry at him and the only way to make yourself feel better is to possibly frustrate him or make him mad. I believe this is similar to what my ex is doing to me, but she is the one who broke up with me. I think she tries to frustrate me and think of every little fault in me (half of which are flat out lies) to make herself angry at me and justify her dumping me. Ugh! WOMEN!!!!!

Well I have decided I need to say goodbye face-to-face, whether she likes it or not. She is basically ignoring me now. She was suppose to call Monday, and now it is Friday and she has not called. I left her a message asking if I could just talk to her and I was not asking for much of her time. She is purposely ignoring me and is doing it just to piss me off. She keeps playing these games with me. She tells me she still loves me and cares about me and worries about me and that I should call her if I ever need someone to talk to, then she totally ignores me. Look, I know we are broken up so she has no obligation to make me one of her top priorities, but if you plan on ignoring me just tell me that you don't plan on talking to me in the first place. Like Jerry Seinfeld said, "Why do people say they're too busy? Too busy? Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?" Tonight after work I plan on putting everything that reminds me of her in a box and taking it to her. Every picture, every letter, every card, every teddy bear, every little piece of her life that she gave to me, she can have it all back. I am not going over there to scream or to argue. I am going over there to simply tell her that if she wants me out of her life for good that all she has to do is tell me and I will meet her request. I have stepped back and stopped bugging her about "us". When we met for food after work we just sat and laughed as friends. To be honest I do not think she can handle it. I don't think she is 100% sure she is doing the right thing. Maybe seeing me and talking to me only makes her think she is making a mistake and she is too proud to admit it. Maybe she woke up one day and realized she hates me for no apparent reason, I honestly don't know. All I know is after 5 years I am not going to let her end it this easy (I don't mean in a stalker or psycho way). But I am going to make her say goodbye face to face. Fine, you want me out of your life. Have the courage and the heart to look into my eyes and say it. Don't ignore my calls and take the cowardly way out after you intially told me we should still be friends and be there for each other.

So why would she tell me at times she prays for my well being because she knows I am dealing with this on my own yet if I try to reach out to her, just as a friend, she takes it as me being a bother. I know we aren't together, but she just has this anger towards me that I've never seen (and if you've read my posts - I didn't do anything like cheat or abuse or things along those lines). Is her display of anger a way of making it easier on her? I mean that is the only thing I can think of. Just blows my mind how people change at the drop of a hat, or IMO, the influence of outsiders. Then it's like, she is always trying to find new reasons to validate or justify the breakup, and they are weak and just flat out lies - and she knows it. For example, she was like, I never did anything with her family. I spent EVERY holiday at her family's house, bought her family gifts, would sit down and just watch a ball game with her dad, took trips with the family, visited relatives in other states, etc. TOTAL BS, something she praised me for while we were together and now she makes a lame attempt to find a fault in me. Just amazes me.....

Whats up Sad, I cannot believe how similar your story is to mine. Even down to the little details like how long you waited before the two of you had sex. So much of reading your thread reminds me of my situation. To be honest, I don't have much advice to offer because I am still in the same boat. I know many friends and people here will say just don't talk to her, make her miss you, etc. You just have to trust your instincts. I know there are the desperate times where you are crying alone and just feel like reaching out to her because you don't know what the next 15 minutes of being alone will bring. I don't know, playing the NC and trying to make her jealous routine just seems "high-school" to me. We both know the person we were with. You sound like me, you think if you continue to show her the good things in you, being a friend like asking her how things are going, hows work, even the package you sent, that will show her and remind her of the person you are. Some might say you are being a doormat or what not, who knows. I don't buy the whole notion that you or I are weak because we talk to them or still show we care. Next time you talk to her, ask her what she would be doing if she had to walk the shoes you are in now. Ask her if she would give up fighting for what she believed in.

Sorry sadgirl_april, that was not our relationship, just sex and no arguments. The thing was we planned on taking "the next step". When we talked about her brother getting engaged, I said that I do plan on marrying her, but I wanted to take the proper path. Both of us get decent paying full time jobs, live together, then get married. She agreed that it was stupid for her brother and his gf to get engaged because they were both still in school, weren't working, and will be living back at home. All I ever said was I wanted to do things right, and I understood that it wasn't exactly happening "right on schedule". I was not standing still. She was the one who encouraged me to go back to school and to better myself to find a better job, which I did. There was no reason for her to doubt my intentions at all. Like I said in the original post, after I started my new job at the beginning of this year we talked about looking at a place to move in, I just asked for a little patience with taking care of personal bills and my vehicle situation. Again, I still let me intentions be known. I think some girls simply want the "engagement" title rather than the actual commitement that comes along with it. I never could imagine her being one of those girls, but I never expected this to happen, either. Asking my ex if she still wants an engagement with me would only look like an act of desperation. Again, I didn't just stand still and say "yea yea yea it will happen", I tried to explain to her where I wanted us to eventually end up and that I know the path might be a little longer than we both thought. We both graduated from college and didn't find the perfect career that was in our field either, so was going to college just "standing still"? Everything doesn't always go according to plan but that is no reason to bail if you have faith in the other person.

She was suppose to call last night but I really didn't expect her to with her working alot of overtime. I shot her a txt message this morning just to ask if she was ok and if something was wrong that she didn't call. She said sorry she was tired and fell asleep early. I said I understood and I know what it's like to work alot and she didn't have to be sorry. A part of me wants to reach out to her so bad. I am not sure of her parents situation. As I said earlier, things were bad between them months ago and I was the only person she talked to about it. As stupid and pathetic as it sounds I want to tell her I am here for her if she needs anything or just someone to talk to, although I know she will go to friends instead of me, "the ex". I want to ask her if she is depressed with things besides us breaking up. She really doesn't talk to me about how she is dealing with it, I mostly get "I haven't had time to think about it." I know she has a wall up. Being with someone everyday for years and maturing in front of each other, you tend to know the other person better than you know yourself. I wouldn't say she was dependant on me, but she knew I was always there if anything happened or she needed someone to talk to and now she completely flipped that switch off. If i show her I can be there as a friend without the pleading or crying over "us" and just show her I am still there just as a friend, then I guess I do have some hope that she will realize what she is giving up. If she continues to put the wall up there is nothing I can do but go NC, but I am still asking her to sit down and talk face to face and just go get ice cream or something. I am not predicting she will be running back to me the next day, but I definitely think just seeing me will make her put things in perspective and knock down her wall, and then maybe I can get more answers/reasoning out of her. I know it did for me when I was on the other side. You can say "it doesn't bother me" all you want when you are on the phone or txt messaging, but not when the two of you are sitting face to face with tears in your eyes and are just dying to reach out to one another.

Thanks for the replies guys. Like I said, I know she is definitely ahead of me when it comes to moving on. I honestly don't know if she is ready to move on with someone else (I seriously would hope not), but she definitely does a better job of showing me it doesn't bother her. Again, that is just not her. She use to talk to me about every little thing. She use to reach out to me for everything. I know it sounds stupid, but part of me tries to be there for her through all of this. I know that I can't be and if she talks about it, it will probably be to her friends, who I know will give her bad advice. 1) they know nothing about the relationship 2) why would single girls tell another girl to go back to an ex? Part of me does know NC might be the best option, but the other half of me wants to go no contact after a last visit (not sexual). In all honesty I don't think she would be able to do it if we sat down and talked - and if she did it would probably be a huge wake-up call to me. I knew when I broke up with her I was fine hanging out with friends or even just if we chatted on the phone or via email, but that time we decided to meet up and talk, it just brings out your true emotions. I really feel like she is afraid to face them. This isn't me being in denial (went through that, and feel like I am past it), I just saw how it effected her last time we met. Again, if we did sit down and talk and she still didn't show me anything, I think it would wake me up and make me do NC.

First time poster, just trying to get some thoughts out of my head while getting some feedback from some of you who have gone through this before, would really appreciate the opinion from the ladies as well. OK, brief history. 5 year relationship, I am 25 and she is 24, she broke it off with me. Nobody cheated, no physical abuse, AMAZING sex life that we both could not get enough of (even talked about how we got more into each other as the years went by as opposed to getting tired of the same ol same ol that most couples do). Physical attraction was not a problem. We were somewhat of opposites when it comes to movies, music, etc, but we were still the best of friends and never had a problem having fun with each other. We've broken up before, over 3 years ago, because we were fighting over little things, both were immature then (I know, most of you will say 25 is still immature), and I was at the point where I couldnt deal with it. Got back together 3 months later and things have been pretty well for the most part up until about 5 months ago - when she dumped me. I know there were alot of variables that came into play here. For one, she thought we should have been atleast engaged by now. I'll admit, we both aren't as far in life as I think we both envisioned. She still lives at home and I live rent-free in my mother's house (she lives with fiance). Obviously this was a strain on the relationship - but we also made plans to start looking for a place of our own. Yes we probably could have in the past, but neither of us had the greatest of jobs and we would have been working just to live together. At the beginning of this year, I landed a job that gave me a pretty big increase of income, and that is when we talked about moving in. She was very happy about it. Then a few months later is when the bomb dropped. All of a sudden she is not happy. All of a sudden she is questioning everything. All of a sudden she can't be with me. All of a sudden new friends from work are her #1 priority. While we were together she rarely did things with friends, spent most of her time with me or her mother. I use to encourage her to find friends. Not that I didn't love her, but I also needed time with friends to watch football, go to a ballgame or play video games etc. That's human nature. She said she was content not having any. So right before the breakup she starts hanging around with a girl or two from work - both single. I heard from her mother that one of the girls at work actually made a remark one day when I sent flowers to her on Sweetest Day - something along the lines of "well he sent you flowers, but he will never propose to you". Keep in mind, this b***h has never met me and knows nothing about me or the relationship. (sorry for the B word, but I have no respect for people who talk behind others backs - especially without knowing them). Also, my ex's brother recently got engaged, so I think she was jealous of that. She didn't agree with them getting engaged (said they were both too immature) but yet she was jealous? Also, she was having family problems, her parents were on the verge of divorce. She was also working lots of overtime at her job and was stressed about it. Like I said, I know there were alot of variables, but I was still blindsided by her decision. Her reasoning at the time was she just wasn't happy. Said we had become too comfortable with each other, althought like I said, the sexual chemistry was at an all-time high. With both of us working more, we did spend a little more time just relaxing by ourselves. Ill admit, the little surprises and gifts stopped - from both sides. Part of me feels like I will never get the truth. I don't feel like she cheated on me, I just don't feel like I got an honest explanation. This just isn't the girl I was with for 5 years. This wasn't the girl who thought the world of me, who always praised me for being there when she had family problems, when I was by her bed when she was in the hospital, when she lost her grandmother. She use to say she didn't know how she would have gotten through times without me. To me I never thought much of it. Why wouldn't I be there for her, she was the girl I loved. Another thing that bothered her was I never had situations where she felt like I really NEEDED her. I didn't have family issues, I didn't have medical problems. I told her, just because I didn't have tough times doesn't mean I don't need you just as a friend and a girlfriend. After we broke up I told her how ironic it was that she always wanted to be there for me when I was dealing I needed help with and now that I am she is the person putting me through it. Despite people telling me not to contact her, we still talk here and there. I am not taking it very well. Five months later and I am still a wreck. I break down to her while we are on the phone. I know it only makes me look weak, but she is the only person I feel comfortable crying to (irony at it's finest, yet again). I see alot of changes in her. She seems angry towards me, yet I didn't do anything to warrant such a turnaround (cheating or abuse). Each time we talk I tell her I know I am in her space and I apologize for only wanting to talk to her. At times I know she lies to get off the phone with me. Again, it baffles me how you can flat out lie to someone you've known for so long while they are at their lowest. I'm at the point where I just need to have some closure. I've tried to talk to her about it (not begging, just talking) and I can tell it irritates her and pushes her away. This is from the girl who told me to never be afraid to say whats on my mind - say your feelings and everything will be OK. So when we do actually talk it is usually me getting out my deepest thoughts and letting her know I am still there as a friend and have no desire to go anywhere else (go ahead, call me weak). I usually do all the talking and get very little response. If anything she says "I can't see it right now". Again, totally different person. At first I thought that she was just saying that to let me down easy, but now I somewhat feel like she doesn't want to close the door completely. So we met about a month and a half ago after work just for some appetizers. I didn't beg or plead for anything, just acted as a friend. Hows the family, hows the dog, hows work, etc. Made her laugh, gave her a hug and we went our ways. The next day I get a txt message saying she cant wait to talk and how nice it was to laugh and smile with each other and she misses me. I was completely shocked. After a week or so of talking she said sorry for saying some of that and she didn't mean to confuse me. I said it was fine, I understood. I also said if thats how you feel then I would like to hear it. So now when we talk I can tell she puts up a wall and shows no emotion towards me. So that brings us up to today. I'm still depressed and she puts on an act like she is fine. I think I could tell her I have 24 hours to live and her response would be "OK". I always say I understand we are not together, but how she treats me is wrong. She treats me like a total stranger now. I think the only reason she does keep in touch is to check up on me. She said she knows what I am going through and I really dont have anyone else to talk to about it. She kinda forces herself to just let me vent and cry to her and then she goes. I asked her if we could meet again for lunch or after work to sit down and talk. She said she didn't know if it was a good idea. So I say, OK but it's a good idea to still talk. Of course she then turns it around on me, "well if you dont want to talk to me then don't", like this is what I want. Ugh!!! In all honesty, I think she is afraid to see me. No No No, I am not saying she will see me and won't be able to resisit me. I just know how seeing her brings up alot of emotions and I don't think she wants to miss me or go through the effects that seeing me would have on her. I know when I was the one who broke up with her, the first time we saw each other it hit me like a ton of bricks "wow, this is the girl I want and I can't believe I let the little things come between us". I think that kinda hit her when we met last and she just doesn't want it to come back by meeting again. Talking on the phone is much different than looking into the eyes and seeing the pain their pain and hurt. I remember what it did to me. So again, this is where I am at and feel like I am completely lost. I have no desire to look for someone else. I know I will be comparing any new girl to her and it wouldn't be fair to the girl or myself. I am willing to improve myself to make it work but I do not want to push her away. At the same time I honestly feel like going NC = goodbye forever. Sorry for writing the novel.