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Confused and Distraught

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  1. I'm currently not doing anything - yes, my ex and I talk every other day - very general conversation and my husband knows that we do. In fact, he's spoken to him a few times as well.
  2. They have online schooling due to covid. Secondly, there is no concept of a part-time job where I live. My kids actually don't interrupt me during a session because they understand that I'm working. As for my previous profession, I was a Banker.
  3. My kids are 10 and 5 respectively. Why am I in a loveless marriage? I can come up with a thousand excuses, but that's exactly what they'll be. The reality is that I do love my husband but I'm not in love with him - and that's probably because of the rejection I've faced from over the past decade. It's a safe relationship where we both do what we want, even though I do bear the brunt of most responsibilities except financial. Since I let go of my career, a decision we made together to raise our children, I don't have a steady income coming in. Walking out of this marriage would mean that I'll have to move in with my parents which means a life in hell. They're extremely conservative and controlling. In my country, I won't be getting child support or a part-time job option - I can't work because I can't leave my children alone (unsupervised). That's why I took on the option to study and become a certified counselor so I could set up an office at home. I feel I've reached a point where I crave attention - people around me call me needy, but they haven't experienced what I have in this marriage. I want to be loved, I want to feel love, I want to feel the touch of a man, I want to be appreciated, I want to be accepted. These are basic human desires that regardless of man or woman, should be met.
  4. Break the cycle by leaving this marriage? Or trying to work on the intimacy in my marriage?
  5. That's exactly what I have started to work on. I had to let go of my career to raise my children - I have no regrets. I started studying again and I'm on my way to becoming a mental health counselor. I recently started working out as well. I am trying to focus on myself for ME - not to become hotter for him. I want to be feel good and I want to heighten my low self image - but sometimes it gets hard and I fall off the wagon. And you're right - I shouldn't involve the kids - but they just come running to me if they see me cry or upset. I'll work harder on that. Thank you 😊
  6. I think it's multiple fears - co-dependency, money (yes, because I had to let go of my career to raise our children), moving back with my parents, fear of never being accepted again, fear of further rejection. And mainly, habit - I'm used to having him around and the way things are in general.
  7. I want to thank each and every one of you for taking out the time to read and respond back to me. You're all right. There's no denying that, and although I talk a big game of wanting to explore, the reality is, I wouldn't do anything more than talk because it's not who I am. I've been deprived of attention for most of my life and that's probably why I'm confused with the attention I'm getting. It's true, and I accept that I'm scared of leaving my husband. I don't have intimacy but I have a partner who is my friend. Him and I have had many conversations about sex - but as I mentioned above, he says the following statements each time: 1. It's all in your head 2. You're too heavy/You've gained weight 3. I'm just stressed 4. Oh - we can't the kids are around. 5. Is this all you have to talk about? I've tried different positions, tried to spice things up - this one time I wore something that he spoke about and when I came out - he looked at me disgustingly and said - oh please I'm not in the mood. But see this is one side of the relationship - the side the kids see is where we laugh about things, we watch shows together, we share the same hobbies, we travel together. We don't fight cause it's come to a point where I've given up and he's complacent. I spoke to my children about leaving a couple of times and they were devastated at the thought of it. They don't see a toxic household. They see a happy one. I suffer from rejection and neglect wounding since my childhood - so lack of intimacy and being rejected hits me very hard. I've been in counseling for years and each time I suggest couples counseling to him, he laughs at me. He finds it ridiculous and calls me crazy for giving money to someone to hear me out. My husband knows I speak to my ex regularly - heck he speaks to him too but yes he doesn't know the parts where my ex told me that he needs me or dreams about me. I do have codependency issues and that's also linked to my wounding - so it isn't easy for me to just leave and walk out. Trust me when I say this, I'm fully aware of my internal problems and what's going on here, but sometimes I have a lapse of judgement and I crave attention. I act upon it to the point of words but never more. The society I live in, isn't very open. BUT I feel so blessed that I found a community online where I can be truly honest and recieve unconditional honest feedback from all of you. Thank you for that ❤️❤️❤️
  8. I have tried talking to him multiple times over the years - using all my emotions - I've been calm, angry, frustrated, horny, loving, sad - but he just won't give me a proper answer. At one point he said it was all in my head, till I pointed out that we had sex 6 months ago. The second time around he said that I had gained weight and I become heavy for him to hold on to. Third time around he said he's just busy or since we have kids in the house, he doesn't want to. The excuses are endless. I don't believe he's cheating on me - and no I'm not in denial and he's definitely not gay. I've faced rejection from him so many times that I've lost count. Having said that, if we look at us together - we're like the best of friends, we have the same hobbies, we love traveling with each other. We don't have arguments in our marriage at all. It's a platonic relationship
  9. I dated my ex for a few months back when I was 15 years old. Due to a traumatic experience, I had to leave town without saying goodbye and our relationship ended without any closure. Years later, we started talking again as friends on and off. I eventually moved abroad for my higher education and we lost contact again. Upon returning, I met a man and we got married. We've been married for 14 years and have two children together but our relationship is far from perfect. For the past ten years, we haven't been intimate on a regular basis - he's rejected me 9/10 times when I'd approach him for sex or just to make out, but otherwise we get along well - you could call us roommates who have children together. Now, for the past 3 years, that same ex has been a part of my life. We'd talk and then go our separate ways and reconnect again. We'd laugh and reminisce of the times we spent together. Recently he told me that he blamed himself for me leaving town even though that's far from the truth. We started talking again regularly and he said he has a crush on me. Our conversations have been flirtatious, until the past few days when he said he loves me and at times desperately needs me BUT he can't be selfish and can't hurt my family because he has principles BUT I'm his dream. I told him I wasn't asking him for anything, but I had love in my heart for him too as a person. Now all of a sudden, he's talking to me about his sex life and how he's calling chicks over to have sex with them. He knows it hurts me because I do have feelings for him. I just don't understand what's going on! And I don't understand how to gauge what he truly feels or why he's trying to hurt me by telling me that hot girls are coming to his place. Is this his way of shooing me away? Or does he want to see my reaction? Or is this is his way of protecting himself from pain? I don't know what to do - I do want to explore things with him to see where we go, but I don't know how to get him back to how things were. As for my relationship with my husband, I've told him multiple times that we'll stay together till our children are old enough to understand why their parents are separating. Thanks a bunch!
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