TheSuit

Ok mate. Good advice. I’m gonna take myself out the game for the foreseeable. Thank you

I think I only realised the severity of what I was dealing with once I was attached (to her and her daughter).

Only thing I’ll disagree with, I do know she’s abusive. My mates have been telling me for months. I just made excuses for it in my head and thought if I just find a way to get through to her she’d change. She didn’t, there is no way through. I can see that now, I just need to get it into my skull. Re her being abused, her last boyfriend certainly used to physically assault her. I’ve seen the pictures, and he was convicted of it at court. In a weird turn of events I also know his (the ex’s) previous ex gf who he hit too. I can’t comment on the other ex partners though, including the one she is with now.

You’ve hit the nail on the head there. I actually went to therapy for my commitment issues last year. I thought I had worked through them, as it was always to do with running away. I guess I was that committed to showing I could stick it out this time, even though I knew it was wrong (my friends and family were forever telling me I was too ‘picky’). I know I need more work as my behaviour and tolerance for this relationship is actually 10000 x worse than anything I’ve done prior. I’m not usually a doormat, and have had 2 LTR’s which were without issue (7 years and 6). One ended because she met someone else, the other decided she didn’t want children (which was actually the harder break up to get over as we both still loved one another). The therapist said I’m a perfectionist and feared commitment. He told me to accept that no ones perfect, so give people a chance before giving up. I think I took that advice a bit far in this instance. I subconsciously did want to save my most recent ex. When she told me of her childhood, it broke my heart and I wanted to show her a new life. Trauma bonded, ego, infatuation, manipulation, I probably fell foul of it all. I am definitely taking some time out. Thanks for the harsh words, it’s what I signed up to hear to stop my delusion.

Yes when reading up on BPD I realised I have codependent qualities. It’s mad because I also have an avoidant attachment style. I was single for 7 years after my first girlfriend for fear of getting too close. I actually spoke to a professional about it. In a stroke of pretty bad luck, my early natural reactions to run from this relationship I wilfully fought against for the first 6 months. I made myself stay in it, despite the red flags, as I felt I needed to prove to myself I could get over my attachment style. I picked the wrong girl to fight this with. Because I invested so much into this, and put up with so much crap, I think I’m clinging on just so it wasn’t all in vein. My friend can’t get his head around how I’ve been in the relationship. Usually I’m pretty ruthless if I see a red flag. I think I’ve overvalued her because I work with her every day and on paper it was the perfect fit. I think I’m in love, but maybe it is the idea of her I have the feelings for. Jesus this girl has mucked me up 😅

Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll certainly pick up a copy

I’m in a similar position to you, although I will not insult you by comparing your situation to mine (mine is a car crash and can’t compare to your 14 year respectful relationship). That being said I have had a relationship in the past which is similar to what you’ve explained. You need to do what is right for you. Personally I would like to politely wish her well but explain you can’t remain in contact. I gave an overly emotional response to my most recent ex and want the ground to swallow me whole today. Realistically you going no contact (especially if she is already used to not speaking to you/seeing you often) is unlikely to get her back (if that is what you want). But it will give you yourself back. Eventually. My first partner took me 3 years to get over, but I didn’t have another partner for 7. Don’t make my mistake. I wasted my mid-20’s comparing everyone to her and missed out on several potentially beautiful romances. Every relationship is different, but it is only the last 5 years I’ve learned that different doesn’t mean worse. Don’t chase what you had, as you’ll never find it. You could (and likely will), find better. Allow yourself to feel this pain, but don’t let it swallow you. Today I’ve written a list of things I like about myself/can offer a partner, things I want from life, and 20 targets for the next month. This month is about me, so whilst I’m deciding to go no contact from my last mrs (except for pleasantries I can’t avoid at work), that isn’t my focus. My focus is me. Examples being get my 6 pac back, meditate daily (something new for me), cook clean and eat properly, get back down to yoga and swimming, walk more mountains, treat my dog, I applied today for a promotion which I was always tentative I was ready for (the advert was great timing), go out more with friends, 10k charity run this weekend (again great timing), and don’t obsess over things I can’t control. Make the next few weeks about you. You only have one life, don’t waste it wondering. Treat this as a new start, as for now at least, your old life isn’t yours anymore. Sorry if that sounds harsh. She may come back in the future, but you can’t force that. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself so if she does, you are a better you. Don’t do it for that reason though. the other option is to wait in the wings for a break in her new relationship. I’ve never tried that myself for more than a few weeks as even knowing her actions on any given night would ruin my evening. Ignorance is bliss. I have heard people win them back by staying close, and working on re-building the attraction, that’s just not something I want to do. Good luck brother, the anxiety sucks. I’m terrible for it, but other than my best mate, no one knows how bad I suffer. I’m such an over-thinker!

Rightly or wrongly, I mentioned BPD and asked if it came up by her councillor. She said no, he had said she was fine and fixed, and it had been a pleasure to watch her grow. She believes she is fixed now, and has control over her destructive behaviour. I don’t believe it, but wanted to. That’s why I approached her for another try. The councillor she went to can’t give diagnosis’ due to not being qualified, and I worry that my ex maybe didn’t mention her behaviour to him which raised my suspicions of BPD (she always denied or ‘forgot’ any wrongdoing in ‘fights’. Everything was my fault and I constantly ‘overreacted’. One thing I know I’m not is confrontational, I just want an easy life). Of the 9 symptoms she genuinely displayed all of them. She was abused and neglected by her parents in childhood, regularly ‘split’ me as being ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’, and lived by the idealisation-devaluation-discard-hoover relationship pattern. I’m almost certain she has it, which is why I spent 8 weeks learning about it and asking myself if I could live with it. But I need to forget about this now, it’s not my problem anymore. My ex believes she is fixed now, as she’s learned ‘self love’ through her councillor. Who am I to say she is wrong, I no longer know the girl she is now as I withdrew. For me, self love doesn’t require a new partner to heal her breaking heart to take away the pain, but maybe I do their relationship a disservice and she has these feelings. Again, not my problem anymore. I know I have issues. I’m co dependant, I hold onto people way longer than I should. Perhaps I’m looking for something that isn’t there because I’m desperate to be happy. I’m mid-30’s, have no kids, and am watching all of my friends building families. It just feels like it’s never gonna happen. My most recent ex seemed to tick all the boxes, I just can’t accept that she was wrong for me. I likely blamed myself. I was desperate for it to work this time. It makes it all the harder because the girl at work is incredible, that’s the girl I fell in love with and is the girl the whole world thinks is perfect. But behind closed doors she turned into someone else. I think I wanted to ‘rescue’ her from her bad life. Now I couldn’t do it, and I’m just another ex who ‘let her down’ and was ‘not enough’, I’m struggling to accept it. I know that sounds awful and is based on ego. My feelings were real though and I was desperate to give her what she wanted. I am undoubtedly worse off after this relationship mentally.

Reading what you say is hard to argue with. It’s brutal, but I agree with 99% of it. I think I know deep down the way I acted should have been more than enough for her. I may not have bombarded her with adulation, but I most certainly looked after her and made effort. I think that may be why I feel the way I do, even though I did so much good, I can’t accept (or believe) she can still paint me as ‘not enough’. Maybe my ego is bruised and I’m desperate for her to see I AM the guy/catch she thought. It feels pretty pathetic to say it out loud. But when speaking to my mate the other day he said I care too much what other people think. For what it’s worth, I did love her. I know I haven’t painted her brilliantly, but she had the ability to make you feel wonderful. Maybe that is why I’ve found it so hard to move on from, even though deep down I know it’s wrong. It feels a bit like a trauma bond. In my line of work I’m often exposed to abusive relationships. I never understood why people found it so hard to leave. This experience has certainly opened my eyes. Re her loving me, I believe she thought she did, she said it constantly, and 50% of the time was unbelievably loving. It just made it all the harder when she ‘split’ and hated me. 6 weeks after break up she was dying in a hole, describing her pain as making her unable to breathe. These last 2 weeks (unbeknown to me) she said she couldn’t take the pain anymore, so accepted the invite from her ex (he’d been asking her constantly since week 3). She said she wanted the pain to go away, and his adulation eased that. Whether I’m being blind or not, I don’t think she really likes him. I think she is using him, which makes me question her for obvious reasons. She said she has been up front with him and said she isn’t over me, but his response was he ‘didn’t care’ and would risk the pain to get her back. This ‘fight’ is what she said she always wanted from me (because I treated her well, I never felt I should have had to ‘fight’ for her, as the BU’s were generally for bullsh*t reasons).

Thank you. She could be so, so sweet, and incredibly vulnerable. She would then turn in an instant. I think I’m just terrified that this therapy has turned her now into the perfect partner, and I’m upset with myself for not giving her that chance now she’s having it. As I say, I’ll likely never know now, all I know is at the time I couldn’t handle any more. I suppose this tells me it was meant to be this way, as the only way to have avoided it was to put myself in a position I didn’t feel comfortable with back in June/July.

Yea I see your point mate, but there is no chance I’ll start harassing her. I barely spoke to her for 2 months whilst she tried her best with me. Her issue with me was I didn’t care enough (I went no contact to heal and work out my thoughts. She, understandably, took this as me being completely done. I didn’t know what I wanted. Head = blender). Me actively reaching out to her only lasted 2 days last week. She knocked it back and maybe I wasn’t expecting it. I have no intentions of contacting her about it again, as I said my piece (albeit in a terrible way). I’ve since apologised for taking it badly and wished her luck. It just hurts I guess that people move on so quickly. I think I just needed to get some perspective from others, so thanks for the advice 🙂

Thank you for taking the time to get back to me. I agree with a lot of what you said, it’s just hard to move on from. Unfortunately I did sometimes end up snapping and shouting back at her, I found it hard to process and accept so much criticism. ‘Fairness’ is one of my main core principles so abuse for stuff I hadn’t done really got my back up! The sad thing is, I know this relationship is bad for me. I carried a led weight around in my stomach for much of it, but when she was happy she was intoxicating. It is like a drug. Her daughter truly stole my heart. Seeing my ex at work everyday (she sits 15 ft from me…) is torture. I’m ashamed of myself that I’m watching ‘how to get your ex back videos’ for something which has been (at times) so toxic. I just keep kidding myself that with her therapy she will be better. I’m chasing the dragon but it seems as though I’ll never know.

Just to add, I sent her a way OTT apology after my rant. She picked out the one line from it she didn’t like and accused me of blaming her. I really wasn’t, at all, I was explaining my actions. Either way it went down like a led balloon… I really have shot myself in the foot in every way possible this week 😅

Hi, it’s quite embarrassing to actually be writing on a forum with my car crash of a relationship, but I think I just need some strangers to slap some sense into me. I apologise in advance for the long post! I started dating a co-worker the second half of last year. I’m in my 30’s, she is late 20’s. We hit it off at work and the attraction was undeniable. She told me about how all her ex’s were abusive in some way, shape or form, and described quite a horrific past. I’ve always been stable in relationships (I can count the number of fights on one hand for 13 years worth of relationships), and at the risk of sounding big headed, am a decent catch (sorry, I know that sounds awful). I didn’t anticipate any drama. We started casual dating in September and she was very keen, very quickly. I am someone who is quite cautious in actually committing so wasn’t quite ready (looking back I still wasn’t fully over my 6-year relationship which ended mutually 12 months earlier). My new partner was perfect on paper; intelligent, charismatic, adorable, sexy, beautiful. My male colleagues were all besotted with her. However I noticed a lot of red flags really early. She was a NIGHTMARE when drunk, she was argumentative, should would gaslight me, and would react to situations in ways I can only describe as ‘odd’. Most of our ‘arguments’ would start over things I hadn’t even done. I was looking at her funny, I was being ‘off’ or moody with her (I wasn’t at all), I wasn’t showing her enough affection. The following day she would worship me, telling me I’m the best guy she’s ever been with, she loves me (she said very early, I took 6 months), and was terrified of me leaving her. I understand that by not asking her to be my girlfriend earlier may explain some of the negativity or her insecurity. This won’t have helped. I did make it official in Feb time, but it made no difference to her stability or behaviour. This led to a behaviour pattern where she would break up with me every 4-5 weeks for inconsequential things. The first was November, then the end of December, then March (we separated throughout January). It happened 6 times that I can remember (embarrassingly I’ve lost count). Each time she would leave for me ‘not loving her enough’, then reappear, chastise me for not chasing her, then beg for me back. I always kept my cool and told her I wasn’t letting someone use breaking up with me as a way to seek validation. She had tried counselling in the past but both times the professional cancelled on her after one session. She had felt let down. I talked her into going back and she started a new program in May. The pattern continued until she split up with me again at the end of June. This time I didn’t take her back. My head felt like it was in a blender. She had spent months breaking up with me, telling me I didn’t love her enough, she wanted to be worshipped, and I didn’t chase her when she left. This was interspersed with absolute idolisation and adoration. I didn’t know who I was getting when I went to see her. I treated her really well, but I accept I’m not the most ‘simpy’ partner. I do a lot of nice things and gestures, but I’m consistent rather than explosive. I have always been described as ‘thoughtful’ and ‘caring’ by previous partners, whereas I think think she wanted more ‘wow’. I’ve never been complained at as a partner in the past, so this relationship obliterated my confidence. She begged and pleaded, but I stood my ground. She laid it on quite thick that I was abandoning her now she was finally getting help. I felt truly awful, as I could see her point entirely. Over the next 2 months I tried not to lead her on and committed myself to learning about what the hell had happened in our relationship. It felt like a car crash, but an exceptionally fun one. She was anything but boring, and made me feel euphoric highs and dark lows. As shallow as it sounds, it was easily the best sex of my life. I was addicted to her and the dysfunction. As I started researching, I came across something called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It fit like a glove. Absolutely all of my relationship summed up on a page. There is a spectrum of it apparently, and my ex (if she has it, I can’t diagnose obviously) was certainly a high functioning one (appears normal to others but has significant issues regulating her emotions). I started to read up on it and started feeling guilty. Her reactions and responses were born from fear rather than true feelings or hatred. All the content I read suggested BPD could me managed through psychotherapy, but not ‘cured’. I started hoping that her counselling sessions may help calm her behaviour. She was telling me she was learning to deal with her emotions, but everything I read said the strong reactions and feelings that they always want ‘more’ will never truly go away. I was terrified of forever feeling my partner could just ‘switch’ and no longer care. I never gave up on the relationship, and couldn’t let her go. I didn’t tell her this as I didn’t want to be cruel if I fell the other way. 2 weeks ago she discovered I was going for a mini holiday for a week (not partying, just relaxing). She text me saying she still loves me, was dying in a ditch, and was getting better. She did however say I ‘wasn’t her friend’ and ‘not to talk to her in work’. She was clearly struggling and I just wanted to go back to her but had doubts. I was still unsure at this point but was leaning towards giving it one last go. My friends and family were against it, but I love her and everyday apart from her when she was getting help was killing me. Love was never the issue in our relationship, I just didn’t trust her. I didn’t trust she wouldn’t just break up with me again for no reason, nor did I feel secure in light of the fact she was forever telling me my affections weren’t enough. Stupidly however, I did believe she loved me. She was so passionate and sincere. My friends told me to go on the holiday and come back with a decision. Fast forward to last week and I decided to approach her for another try. My rationale was her therapy course had finished, and my intention was to allow that so she had a clearer understanding of herself and the situation. It had also given me time to reflect on my own behaviour (not being as ‘obvious’ in the way I told her I loved her). When we spoke she still looked at me with adoration and I thought I had a chance. Things had changed somewhat though as now the break up (in her mind) was instigated by me (it wasn’t), the time apart had been my fault (it was to an extent), and I had lost her trust in not being there to support her through her therapy (I see her point). She didn’t seem to grasp that I was hurting too, and needed that time to reassess why the relationship was failing. Completely out of nowhere she tells me that her ex (father of her child) had contacted 2 weeks ago her hoping for another shot. This is a lad she spent over 12 months complaining about and describing as a waste of space. She was always emphatic that there was nothing there. Without wanting to sound obnoxious I’ve met him and seen him let down her and her child so many times. She can do so much better. Anyway she basically said she reluctantly agreed to go out with him, initially to mask the pain I had caused her, and because he was ‘giving her things I didn’t’ (I’m taking that as he worships her). She said she is not attracted to him per say, she sees him more of a brother/friend, but she feels she owes it to her daughter to try to make it work. She was hoping the feelings would ‘grow’. She feels chemistry with me, not with him, but I abandoned her when she needed me. She can never get over that. All of this knocked me for 6, and honestly, I handled it like an idiot. I lost my cool, told her she wasn’t being fair on him, she couldn’t have loved me if she’s ‘moved on’ (her words) in 6-8 weeks, and I was fuming that it was ‘him’ (someone who has been a constant in our relationship for 12 months). Obviously my reaction has pushed her closer to him. When she first told me I took it well. She then messaged me saying she was confused and still thought of me on the dates she had been on. Once I stewed on it for a few hours I gave her a piece of my mind and ruined it. She’s sent me loads of abuse back and is 100% right. I have no right to judge her decisions, I chose not to be with her, and she can do what she wants if I abandon her for 2 months. I’m so disappointed in myself for my reaction. After months of being dignified, I completely did my own legs in one evening. Sorry for the long message, I think I’m struggling more dealing with my pathetic reaction this last week than my initial decision for space. Ultimately it was the space which ‘lost’ her, and is the reason she moved on, but I can forgive myself for that as I needed it to heal/process/improve. The reaction though just wasn’t me, and I hate myself for it. I do still want to try to sort this, but I know the whole thing was a sideshow. I’ve idealised the notion that we have both improved. My feelings for her and her daughter are real, but I accept that the 2 months absence completely undermines that in her mind (she said she can no longer trust me). I still can’t get away from the fact that if she ‘loved me’, she would be back dating her ex 6 weeks later. It feels like a rebound, but I know I have no right to say that (and it’s pretty irrelevant anyway). I’ve decided to take the back seat now. I foolishly made her a book last week detailing who she was and why I loved her. In her last message she said it was lovely, but I know it was a mistake. I gave it to her before I found out about her going on dates with her ex, and my rationale was to show the ‘fight’ she always accused me of not having. I also felt as a ‘dumper’ (even though I wasn’t), I needed a decent gesture to show her how sorry I was. She always complained she didn’t know who she really was, so it wasn’t a huge declaration of love as such, it was more of a book about her and why I missed her (I’ve completely sold her up the river in this post with only bad qualities, she was gorgeous in many ways when she felt secure). As ridiculous and pathetic as that sounds, the book was quite cool and I’m not massively ashamed of it. I think I did overplay my ‘wrongdoing’ at the end, which will have amplified my mistake in her mind. I think I am also struggling as being honest, I don’t think I did TOO much wrong. I didn’t cheat, I treated her well, I didn’t break up with her (or even intend to). I just didn’t get back together with her when she asked. Maybe I could have shown more doting or ‘fight’, but I certainly showed her love when we were together. I may have spent too long processing, but there was a lot to think about. She says I couldn’t of loved her as I would have stood by her from the start of I did. I see her point, but I was hurting. Although I will still have to see her in work, I know I’ve said my piece and need to step back. I think I just need some critical feedback for my own behaviour so I don’t make similar mistakes again. If anyone thinks I do have hope, I’d be keen to hear it. Likewise if you think I need a slap, feel free to give me that too 🙂 Any insight would help me as I’m not functioning well. Thanks for reading, I appreciate your time. P.S. I think I’m a mix of avoidant attachment and codependent. It’s a bloody nightmare!