b4naft

Thanks Venus777 We've sort of taken this week off. Except living situation makes no contact difficult. We are supposed to talk tomorrow, hence me writing to this site today, but a no contact period is something I can present to him if we reach the same dead end. I think he will say one of the same things that he says to counseling...that if we need to take that step we are too far gone...but we'll see.

I don't want my boyfriend and I to break up, but he refuses counseling, tells me I'm being selfish for suggesting it, since I know the thought of it upsets him. (had to do it with his family when he was younger...didn't go well) We've been together for eight years. The arguments have increased and for the last few months I have felt like his anger has controlled the arguments, and left me defeated and powerless. We have hit a dead end in our arguments. He says I don't do the right things, and that his reactions are legitimate. I say that his angry reactions are what is making things worse. He says he believes in actions, not words, and will not admit that the hurtful things he has said are as injurious to the relationship as my actions (the causes of the fights, like not washing dishes, or breaking plans, or doing something that he says he asked me not to). He is generally a controlling person. He has recently been verbally abusive. I let him know, because I knew that he crossed a line immediately when he called me names, and while he has stopped being verbally abusive, in a technical sense (no-name calling) he is still driven by anger. He is upset because I have labelled him as abusive, although I tried to explain I told him I felt emotionally abused in the situations, that I was not generalizing him as such. Ever since there has been a bigger rift between us. We argue more, and he brings up that I have framed him in such a negative way...destroying our perceptions of each other...our future. I don't think we can get through this without counseling. He always wants to move on in a positive direction, but I think we are both so hurt by past problems that we cannot move forward without closure of our baggage. I need us to communicate better in order to move forward. I'm afraid to argue because it will make things worse, but I know holding back feelings will be damaging as well. I know most people will say ditch him if he won't do it, but is it fair for me to pose ultimatums? Are there any other ways to repair besides counseling?