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dave_1966

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  1. Great post, really interesting. I would like to point out that if she says she’s going, she’ll be dumped on the spot.
  2. I'm fascinated by your reply. My mother was a very empathetic and caring person in a caring profession who taught me to be non-judgemental and accept people for who they are. The problem with empathy is that it can attract the wrong sort of people, like bees to a honeypot. I've always looked for the best in people, possibly giving time to people and relationships I shouldn't have. The saying 'treat other people how you would like to be treated yourself' is quite dangerous though, encouraging you to be nice to people that don't warrant it. A few years ago I was exposed to somebody whom I now believe to have been a malignant narcissist, and it has changed my perception of humanity. For years I walked around believing that everyone was like me, and they are not. I realised quite quickly for every good person there was also a bad one. And then there's people who are truly bad, who would destroy you if they could. In recent years I have shrunk my friend base down, and removed toxic people. I have developed an acute sense of spotting this type of behaviour, it's like a radar system. I believe that the ex of the woman I'm seeing to be toxic, and using triangulation techniques on me. People who haven't been exposed to this behaviour can not understand the damage that they can inflict, luckily I do. I will back away from it, it's not worth it. In terms of therapy, over here you don't really do it to the extent the Americans do. The thought of it is interesting, but I do have some interesting friends I discuss things with. I don't think I'm co-dependant, but perhaps we all have issues of one sort or another. I'm sure I have insecurities, but I'm fairly confident in myself and my abilities. I am a work in progress in terms of my perception of humanity, and I have learned to protect myself practically and emotionally as best I can. I like this site because the cross-section of viewpoints is interesting, you can post here when you're thinking 'is this what's really happening here, or am I imagining things?'. You get a useful back-up to your intuition. In terms of my present situation, I will follow my intuition. Actions speak louder than words, and I will see what pans out with this woman. The problem with dating at my age is that people come with baggage (including myself), and it takes a while to figure out what exactly the baggage is. In this case, a long standing ex whom I didn't fully comprehend the significance of until a short while ago. I will not engage in his games, or hers for that matter. I'm flattered that you think I'm a philosopher by the way, but I'm of the impression that you're more versed in the subject than I could ever be.
  3. Please read again, when I suggested this she mentioned taking two trips.
  4. I’ve been dating a lovely woman for three months, and I’m falling in love with her and vice-versa. I’ve gone through a maelstrom of emotions the last six months with family deaths, and she’s been an absolute rock. She has an ex from many years ago whom she stays friends with, she finished with him because he’s exceptionally good looking who can’t be trusted but has given her work over the years (we are both freelancers). We are in Belfast but don’t live together yet, and he’s based in North Vietnam. She often chats with him, and does work for him free of charge. There is a picture of him on the wall in her house. I’m a firm believer in not being possessive or needy, and letting your partner do what the hell she likes. I do trust her entirely. However, he spoke to her a week ago and told her he had to sell his beach house and move to the Vietnamese capital in order to get more work. He told her that perhaps she would like to stay at his beach house whilst it was on the market, and perhaps work from there. When she communicated his proposal via text to me she described the call ‘profound’ ‘head spinning’ and opening a ‘Pandora’s box’. The following day she said she wouldn’t be going as she had everything she wanted here. The subject then popped up again (I’ve never met the dude, but I know he’s forceful and doesn’t take no for an answer) and she said it would be fine for me to go too. I called her bluff by saying cool, I could do with a holiday. I thought he may back off at this. The other night she mentioned this again, and I said it sounds interesting and I couldn’t wait. She then said yes, we could go out and then perhaps she could go out again afterwards before the property is sold. She said he wouldn’t be there, she’d be on her own as her ex would be a flight away in the capital. Last night I called her and said that I was completely uneasy with this Vietnam thing, couldn’t fathom why she would possibly need two trips to this beach house in a very short period of time. She said it just sounds cool, and he wouldn’t be around. She said it might be lonely, but her ex is a good friend and she likes to explore new places. I then told her I was very uneasy about this, and that the whole thing was very disrespectful and implausible of this guy. For a week I’ve had no idea whether her trip would be days, weeks, or months. She says she doesn’t know herself. I frankly don’t believe she’d be alone there if she went, he’s a short cheap flight away. My girlfriend is a very empathetic decent person, but I’ve never met him but know he’s a womaniser. This is why she dropped him decades ago. I love her to bits, but after my chat with her last night things seem strained. I’ve treated all my girlfriends in the past in a non-clingy fashion, and they’ve all done holidays alone with girlfriends without any issue. This, however, is inappropriate and I’ve communicated it as such. Staying at an exes beach house on the other side of the planet has crashed in to my personal boundaries and created a red flag, and I think he knows what he’s doing. It feels like triangulation. She has stressed to me there’s nothing to worry about, she’ll be alone, but I think he’ll jump on a flight and be there with her even if she doesn’t know this yet. I trust her implicitly, but not the ex. I am also struggling with why she’s suggested I join her on a friends holiday elsewhere which she booked before we got together, but the Vietnam trip is a whole different kettle of fish. I’m upset by this, and having said how I feel about it am now waiting for her response. I think I’m being played by the ex at the very least, but if she goes there alone I’m not sure I’ll be here for her when she gets back. Am I being correct with my thoughts on this? This is make or break in my opinion.
  5. I would leave the relationship and find someone who can reciprocate your emotions. The long term impact of carrying the entire emotional weight of the relationship alone can result in PTSD, or Cassandra syndrome/Affective deprivation disorder.
  6. 'just a reminder that I never want to hear off you again, ever'
  7. Looks like you've got competition for your boyfriend from someone who hasn't stepped out of the closet yet.
  8. Just send him a final message saying that he's about to be blocked, and that if he ever turns up where you work alone or with a girlfriend you will view this as harassment and call the police. Then block him everywhere, it really is that simple.
  9. Why do you think you may have Aspergers syndrome? If this is the case, you should absolutely leave this woman alone whilst you come to terms with your diagnosis. Aspergers will have serious implications for your relationship abilities. What traits or symptoms have materialised for you to feel you have ASD?
  10. Are you familiar with dealing with narcisstic personality disorder and abuse? Sam Vaknin has plenty of material on the subject, and this guys behaviour stinks of it. I worked with someone like this years ago, but sadly I didn't know what the condition was back then. Sadly, I've had experience of this again in recent years. There are people who function like this, feeding off the effect they have with their bullying. It's call 'narcisstic supply'. Psychological and emotional abuse became a crime in the UK in December 2015, so it's a shame you haven't any recordings of the abuse taking place. Any interaction with this person should be filmed or recorded as potential evidence, certainly stuff like being followed for miles. Good luck.
  11. Well, after not seeing her since Saturday I heard off her today. In her usual completely logical way she fired me an email saying she was done and wanted her stuff back from mine just as I was about to go in to a morning meeting for a brief I'd picked up with a new company. I'm freelance, and this was an important new client. I struggled through the meeting as best I could, and sat down with them to do some work. I was surprisingly ok until lunch, and then I sent her a text to say I'd got the message with a sarcastic thanks, and that her stuff would be safe until she could collect it. Then as I went back to work I felt a huge panic attack coming on, and received a thank you text off her that totally failed to get the sarcasm in my text. This sent me over the edge. Making my excuses, I told the people I was working for that I had to go to another meeting elsewhere and that I would finish off the job from home. I struggled home hyperventilating, but managed to finish the work off ok. It amazes me that she could send a 'Dear John' email after almost a year and a half midweek at the start of the working day, and not be aware of the potential consequences. No phone call in the evening, or face to face on a Saturday morning over coffee, an email. I now know what mind-blindedness is, and I guess I can at least feel sorry for her. Something which she will never be able to feel for anyone else, quite clearly. At home I removed the 'I love you' post-it note off my computer screen from a few weeks ago, as well as the postcard pointing out how amazing I was from a couple of months ago. All her stuff will be boxed up, including her Christmas presents to me, and left in the shed. I've been wishing that I had walked away from her over a year ago when she started telling me about her past, a past where her ex-husband was treated really callously. They tell you everything about their past, the sort of stuff most people would keep quiet about. I also said to myself that if she treated me like that, I'd walk out on the spot. I have a certain amount of pride that I did last weekend. I now realise thinking I could deal with probable aspergers was ludicrous, I've had experience with a lot of women and this one was exceptionally callous. I've been trying to work out just how much empathy she has, and it's little to nothing. She is clearly making up the deficit with logic from another part of her brain, she clearly has little understanding of compassion. I've never been treated so clinically in my life. I've started blocking her on social media, the usual stuff. I'm feeling like I want to cry, that I've been duped by someone mimicking emotions, and I probably won't sleep tonight. It's another failed relationship, and I only have myself to blame.
  12. You know, the problem with having empathy is that you feel bad about things. Because I believe she most likely has Aspergers, I feel the urge to break silence and point out in a text to her that insulting someone with highly abusive comments is not nice and that she should at least apologise. I'm only considering this because I don't actually think she's capable of thinking in this way. The insults were just words to her, most likely. Alternatively, should I just sit back and wait for her to get in touch? I'm not sure she will if she's not taking advice off someone who's NT. I would particularly welcome feedback from people with direct experience of this condition.
  13. Lisa, I think a lot of people skim through posts here without reading them properly. Please read again, she told me that she had traits. I have not diagnosed this woman, it's apparent through her visible actions that there is something present.
  14. What bit of 'I will not say what they were' do you not understand? It was offensive enough to not want to put on the internet, so use your imagination.
  15. Absolutely not true, in any way. I had to ask a very long standing friend what they thought of it, completely absurd.
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