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bsim627

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  1. That's how the conversation started. There was a lot of conversation after that. She asked "what would it mean to you if I moved in?" I answered and said "but I also don't want you to move in if you're not ready just because of this conversation." She said she was going to go think about some things. She was clear and frank about her concerns, I agree, but the relationship was never explicitly ended and I was expecting to hear from her.
  2. Just wanted to thank everybody for their contributions. I decided not to reach out to her. I won't minimize the contributions that I know I made to this situation, but at the end of the day I'm happy with the effort that I made towards saving and advancing our relationship during "round 2" for these past few months. However, there is something deeply disturbing about ghosting out of a 1.5 year relationship and the time I've had to reflect on things has inserted a few big question marks and red flags. At this point I suspect that she packed up her apartment and left the state, something she's been doing her whole life and very similar to the way she came into mine. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like I am going to get any closure out of this so I'll be going one day at a time. Thanks again!
  3. This is ultimately what I’m trying to get out of this post… I certainly felt like I put the ball in her court and was just respecting her space. I assumed I would hear from her the next day or two. But after 4 or 5 days it didn’t seem right any more. After 2-3 months or less of dating somebody or if it was explicitly stated that we were ending the relationship I could easily have the “either I hear from her or I don’t” attitude… but after 1.5 years it doesn’t seem like the BEST approach to just wait indefinitely… and from my perspective the relationship hasn’t ended.
  4. @abitbroken thanks. I appreciate both of your responses. Her and I talked about the touching in front of parents thing… moving forward that would never be an issue again (I’ve never actually met her dad her parents are divorced and live in different states, neither of which are this state). What she said to me actually sounds a lot like what you said about your ex. My house is not really sellable or rentable as is. Not without losing 10s of thousands of dollars. She knows that. But she will flip between saying things like making the house a certain way that she likes it so that she is comfortable living here then “just get it to a point to sell it”… or wanting to buy a home together here… to buying a home in a different state… to never wanting to own a home… to maybe renting in a different state for a few months before coming back here… to wanting to get rid of everything and travel to a bunch of different countries for several months at a time. I do love her and want a family with her and I’m ready to marry her (well I was… now I feel like we’ve moved back several spaces again.)… but she also needs to settle some of those thoughts because they are all very different lifestyles. I don’t know if mom is pressuring her on kids… but I do know that her mom told one of her exes “*** or get off the pot” which promptly ended the relationship… so I wouldn’t be surprised if something similar is happening between them and she’s just keeping it from getting all the way to me. Anyway, thank you again I appreciate the real life examples and I will talk to her about all of these things… in this case I don’t think any of it requires difficult adjustments from me. Just simply misunderstood expectations.
  5. She stayed with me for some time during quarantine and has stayed with me for a few weeks at a time here and there. her most recent lease she negotiated to be only 5 months with the intention of moving in permanently after that.
  6. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds similar. I’ve never told her that “I’m willing to do whatever it takes” simply because it’s easy to say and is easy to take as just saying what she wants to hear regardless of the truth behind it.
  7. Yes. I actually mentioned this while we were talking. That we keep heading in a certain direction and talking about things on the same page but then she’ll start talking about plans that don’t explicitly exclude me, but can’t possibly include me and this time around what i noticed was that she started saying “mine” and “yours” again instead of “ours.” And I said that it feels like I’ve been written out of our plans and every time that happens I feel like I’m back at square one… and honestly square one isn’t a great place for either of us to be if we want kids.
  8. You’re correct… I’ve been in that position before. This one feels different… but it could definitely be the case and I would like to think she would do the right thing and address it.
  9. Yes it did actually feel like projection in the moment. Specifically the “because I make it so you’re not lonely” claim. I’m not trying to completely suppress that though, but I’m trying to suppress it enough that I don’t blurt it out as an accusation in the middle of a serious conversation.
  10. Probably mostly for the progression of the relationship. To feel an indication that we are headed into a serious life commitment. She told me when it first came up that if she moved back in she wanted to know that it was for the long haul and while we were discussing it last weekend she asked “if I move in what does it mean for you?” And that’s when I said “that we are preparing to start a life and a family together.” And also said “but I don’t want you to move in just because of this conversation. I’m not trying to convince you to do something you don’t want to.” Moving in or not isn’t the problem though. She could have told me she was having second thoughts about it and that she just wasn’t ready… that’s just the circumstance that exposed the bigger problem our relationship could continue after this… maybe she moves in, maybe she doesn’t… but the why will still be there and would need to be addressed.
  11. It did improve after the first breakup and she has made many comments to that effect as well. It actually seems like every time she has gone to visit her mom she comes back with a different mindset about our relationship. Her mom has meddled issues into past relationships regarding her own opinions of how committed the guys are… I do agree that she probably just twists a knife that is already there though. we do cuddle (I have two dogs which get in the way here a bit and it has been an issue, but I have been working to keep them off the couch). And we have date nights although I think our standing date nights have become routine and it’s something I was looking at changing up. I responded by telling her because I’m in love with her and we want the same things in life and we compliment each other well land we go on all these adventures together. You’re right though. She hasn’t felt special to me. I’m not trying to dismiss my own contributions to this… Being put on the spot with claims that I don’t really love her is really difficult for me… it feels like an innocent person on trial trying to rationalize why they are innocent.
  12. Actually to linger on that for a minute… she is a vegetarian and actually built a raised bed garden and planted a food supply for herself in June. So it’s definitely where her head was at a month ago.
  13. She is divorced and has had some other bad relationships in the past. I’m sure that it plays into the cold feet. I know she doesn’t think I’m anything like the past guys… but maybe thinks I have some warning signs that I could end up that way. Or leave her feeling the same.
  14. I actually think she was the first to bring it up… she was the one that told my family about it.
  15. The first time I wasn’t super surprised by this. We were both getting a little stale and routine. That one had the honeymoon phase ended kind of feeling. This time her mom was just here and I guess her mom made a comment about the fact that when we were all together I never touched her… I was raised to keep my hands off of women in front of their parents (although my dads relationship skills might not be the best to go by)… so she said “well how do you think your family would feel if I didn’t show affection in front of them?” So that SEEMS to be where it came from this time around. She wants kids and at 37 I think she wants to fast track that. Which is fine. She also doesn’t want to live in this state forever which is also fine, but I own a home that needs to be fixed up and sold and it’s going to take a few years. So I laid out everything that I wanted with her. Marriage, family, etc… but also explained the house situation and told her that she would have to be ok with starting a family here and relocating later… maybe she’s worried that I am going to get her stuck here with a family and never plan to leave. That is also one of the moments where she said “but why do you want a family and a life with ME?” But I also feel like I put it in a place where she either agrees and accepts the future I laid out and we can work on the other thing (this would only be the beginning of the conversation cuz it can’t happen a third time)… or she disagrees and we can both move on. I would like to think she would do the right thing in that case and let me know. She actually is in a position where she could quite literally disappear from my life since her lease is up in 10 days and her job is in a different state, which she was talking about moving to before deciding that she wanted to stay here and be with me. I do little things. Cute notes. Little thoughtful/sentimental gifts. Cook for her or with her. We have little “us” things like waking up in the morning and drawing pictures on the bathroom mirror for the other to find. I agree with you on the checking out. I feel like I caught it in time to nip it this time, but that relies on her being willing to finish this conversation and then moving on to the next step.
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